American Horror Story: Hotel S5:E9 She Wants Revenge Recap

This whole cool, calm, Mama Ice Queen Countess that controls everyone and everything has all been a façade, she voice-overs.  She’s not been in control, but now she's going to take it, and she's going to kick ass and take names.

It's hitchin' time. so she gets Drake to design her gown and she'll do everything else. damnit! NO PAPZ PLEAZE, I know how you roll, Drake!  Asking Liz's for help with the flowers. Liz is all,

"BITCH PLEAZE!"  I ain’t helping you after you kilt mah boo!  The Countess say says he didn’t love her anyway, but Liz insists it was twue wuv and flounces off.  The Countess is just bewildered that everyone is so ungrateful to her kindnesses.  She says she’s about to lose her shit, God, these people!  Finally, some good news!  She’s found her man and they are gonna bounce!  Hey Ex Boy Toy, heeeeey!  You purty.  They promise to start over, and she tells him she’ll be married Wednesday. Say what????   “Relax; I’ll be a widow by Thursday.  A rich widow.”

A smarmy couple with an even smarmier guy walk in, leaving Iris to drop this gem: “Sorry, douche bag convention's over at the Hilton.” "Stormcock" is the reservation, he insists.  It’s a porn shoot and off they go. Iris starts waxing philosophical about porn, saying there’s nothing wrong with it as long as it’s done in the right way like during the 70s.  But this right here?  No.  Bad stuff.  Iris doesn’t approve of it going on in her hotel anymore.  It’s not right to women and she’ll have it no more.  So, of course she goes and kills the director and the woman, draining their blood while her son walks in and laughs.  She tells him to get out, that Bart is out and The Countess knows!  Iris has told her about Ramona and she might know everything.  Not to worry mom, I’m playing her too!

Drake's boy still can’t buy his dad is marrying a lady, but he explains that he's only bi and that's not a bad thing.  “She’s the one,” he says about the Countess.  Miss Evers interrupts and tells him to NOT DO IT.  She’s a vile creature that will be the ruin of him.  He kicks her out, and she warns him of his awful fate and she’ll laugh at the demise of him.  She did warn him...

Ex-Now-On Boy visits Ramona with a gift, the remaining porn actor.  He tells her what’s been going on with the plan, saying he wants to carry out the revenge, but he needs her to do the actual deed, he can’t off the Countess himself.  Can he trust her?

We flash to LA, 1992:  Ramona has come home to her daddy.  He soothed her soul and made her feel right again.  He starts to break down when her mother dies, he ends up getting killed by intruders.  She gives him the blood virus, but all it does it set him right back to where he was, with Alzheimer's disease.  Taking care of him, she waited twenty years, hoping the virus would cure him.  It didn’t happen, she found him one day, feeding on an innocent man.  In an emotional scene, she gently drowned him in the tub.  Man, Angela Bassett is so good, you can feel her pain radiating off the screen.  She tells Ex Boy Toy that within minutes of him being gone, she was right back where she started.  Except things were different, the internet and all, "Goddamn Hulu.  My old movies streaming for free." she was recognized and she needed revenge on that woman more and more.  She is going to ruin her LIFE!

Alex enters her home where she finds the Measles Boy she turned, his turned classmates feeding on a pizza delivery guy.  His girly explains she’s ill, so they tell her to feed to get rid of the measles bumps.  She doesn’t want to kill anymore.  Alex tells them to come to the Cortez with her, she can help.  They won’t go with her, and they leave.

Meanwhile, Ramona and Ex-Now-On Boy are ready to roll.  No way is this gonna happen.  Puleasse.  Right?!  Gaga hisses and stuns Ramona with a stun gun!  Ex-Now-On smiles and carries her off with mamma Iris.  What is going on???  wonders a confounded mamma.  Well, the Countess and I are lovey dovey again and I’m doing her bidding.  ARE YOU STOOPID; seems to be a theme here.  Mamma Iris slaps him, “Listen to your mamma,” says Ramona in her cage.

The Countess is with her true love Rudolph Valentino.  She tells him to stick to the plan.  He says Natacha isn’t the same, he’s not seen her since she gave her the black plastic card, “she speaks of nothing but shopping and Uber.”  Gaga loves having all of his attention.  She tells him about the money she’s coming into, that they can create a love nest at the Cortez; make Natacha have an "accident".

“Anyone object to this marriage?” Liz:  “Ahhh, yeah.  Because she’s a bitch.  With no conscious, no mercy, no soul.” The Countess:  “Ignore her, she drinks.”  Mawwied?  Yes, mawwied!  She does give Liz her bouquet, telling her that true love may appear for her some day when she lest expects it.

March congratulates Drake while the new bride changes gowns, taking him to see Bart! He’s horrified.  In walks The Countess, pissed at how he reacted to her adorable baby.  He awakens in the trap area with Ramona, but not yet in the cage next to her.  He helps her out and what is going ON?  Is SHE in cahoots too?  Or is she just using him to get away?  BAI FELICIA.  She slices his throat and feeds on him, Miss Evers smiling, as she watches the grisly scene, waiting for more bloody things to launder I'm sure.

And the Countess is a rich widow by Thursday, watching it all go down.