Here we go...the last installment of American Horror Story:Hotel. Well we certainly start with a bang! Our Liz Taylor tells us in voice-over that as new owners of the Hotel Cortez, they wanted to make a success of it; change things around. As the camera pans in on her, a BLADE SLITS HER THROAT, WHAT?! NO! Do. Not. Like.
Flashback to Liz and Iris welcoming guests to the hotel. They impress the couple with a "refreshed" room. It's lovely, with Egyptian cotton sheets and a "Japanese self cleaning wonder toilet". Unfortunately, Hypodermic Sally ruins it when she kills the man, while Drake in turn kills the woman. The ghosts apparently won't quit killing the guests, which irks the crap out of Liz and Iris. It's ruining their chance at five stars on the internet.
Meeting adjourned! All ghosts accounted for. Realtor Marci likes her erotica. The Swedes have hooked up with Asian guy. And they all laugh when Liz asks them to stop killing the guests. Drake points out that Iris is a great big murderer herself, but she says she's changed and she only drinks donated blood nowadays. Drake and Sally only get relief from their dead selves by killing, no, they will NOT stop! March appears and tells them he agrees with Iris and Liz. Sally says, "You telling people to stop killing is like Colonel Sanders telling us to stop eating chicken." March replies, "I'm not familiar with you military friend and his fondness for poultry, but my killing days are over." He's passed the killer torch to Sad Cop. He tells them they all have no where else to go, so buck up and do what we have to do to stay here! August 23, 2026 marks the day the hotel becomes a landmark, so March tells the ghosts no more or else. Sally is super pissed.
Iris brings Sally champagne to try and cheer her up. She apologizes for killing her in the first place and talks to her about Sad Cop. She knows she's under the weather since he left because of how she loved him. Iris suggests that instead of channeling her pain towards killing people, she move into the modern times...Twitter! Instagram! Youtube! There's a whole awesome montage of her surfing the web and becoming an internet sensation. She retires her hypodermic needle.
Drake is in his own funk. Liz goes to him and they chat. Liz talks him up about his fashion house. Drake says his house has been crap for a decade. Liz encourages him, telling him it's a choice to be happy instead of dead. "Sketch," she tells him. They'll do this together; after all, Liz used to be a salesman. Liz appears at Drake's board meeting as his proxy. Drake designs the clothes at the hotel, with the ghosts and creatures as the runway models. It's a huge success in the end, and Liz should be happy, but she's missing Tristan.
Iris surprises Liz with the psychic Billie Dean Howard from AHS: Murder House!!! Squee! (a double part played by Sarah Paulson) She's got a show on Lifetime now. LOL She finds Tristan's spirit and in a heartbreaking scene is told he doesn't want to talk to Liz. Man, Dennis O'Hare just killed this season dead. He deserved that Golden Globe AND an Emmy in the fall. Liz thinks he blames her for him getting killed. Iris wants to be sure it was really Tristan Billie spoke to, so Billie says he knows about the blueberry pancakes Liz made him every Sunday. She then asks who Donovan is and that he also thinks about pancakes him mom made. He says, "I love you, mom." AWWWWW!!! I *may* have teared up during that whole scene.
Liz then tells us that she was at her granddaughter's birth. She and her daughter in law bonded and she was enjoying life so much when she finds out she has cancer, she tells Ramona. It's past treatment. Ramona offers to turn her, but she doesn't want to kill to live. She gathers everyone around and tells them all at once. She jokes she's the first girl to have prostate cancer. They're all devastated, but she says not to be, she's going to be with them forever, she brought a selection of weapons, now git ta killin'! To the refrain of "The Ballad of Lucy Jordan," they all raise their weapons as Liz lies down. The door bursts open and it's The Countess! Liz rises up and says she realizes how much she's missed her. The Countess says she's her favorite creation and she's the one that cuts her throat in an emotional scene. Liz looks down at her bleeding self and lights a ciggie. Tristan!!!!!!! says "Those things will kill ya." Liz is like, whaaa? I thought you were hating on me? But apparently Tristan just didn't want to interfere with her living self. And they are now reunited in death. The Countess was right after all. She would find love in the most unexpected time and place.
Devil's Night October 30th, 2022: Billie Dean has become an attraction at the hotel and Iris and company have come to regret it. It's bringing in the worst kind of people. Sad Cop shows up and tells Iris he agrees, Billie is bad news. By the way, does she still want to see me? Get her to my room. Room #64. Sad shows up and talks to Billie while cameras roll. She asks if he killed his wife and child. We see in flashback that he's bringing home animal for food, and Alex and Holden were not happy. Scarlett finally tells them to just go home. Scarlett always was the good one. They go back to the Cortez and he continues to serial-kill, but selectively of course; only the super bad ones. While off on a killer jaunt he's seen by police and gets shot and killed. He tries to make it back into the Cortez before he dies, but doesn't make it in time. Billie asks why she keeps feeling October 30 is so important. He says to leave alone with him and he'll tell her. Dumb ass.
Sad Cop takes her to the motley group of serial killers we saw on the episode of Devil's Night. He serves her Absinthe. Uh uh. March comes in and she says she can see all the many lights he's snuffed out. The whole while Aileen is cracking jokes and Rabe just tears the scene up she's so great! They put Billie in a chair and she's all drugged up from the Absinthe. They bring out weapons and Sad Cop tells her if she so much as drops the teeniest tiniest tweet about the hotel they will kill her so dead. But since they can't leave the hotel and she can, she can do what she wants, you idiots, she points out. But I can leave it, Ramona says as she walks in. She says she'll drink her dry if the word Cortez ever leaves her mouth again. She's convinced, and leaves tout suite!
Sad Cop is back in his room with a now-grown Scarlett that he can only see once a year on Devil's Night since he didn't die in the hotel. He gets in bed with his wife and son and goes to sleep.
And we end with The Countess stalking the man-boys in the hotel. She spots a good'n. She tells him he will not be meeting with his friends that night, and she tells him: "You have a jawline for days."