I'm giving the hilarious TTM a break this week and doing the recap for Bachelor In Paradise. I only hope to be half as amazing as she is! Last week Evan, being rejected by Carly, was about to interrupt Amanda and Josh's tonsil hockey. Let's take it from there.
Even Evan knows he has no chance in hell when he gets a date card and tells us he's going to take a chance on Amanda. He rolls his eyes like, yeah, sure, producers, how embarrassing. Thanks, guys. Amanda sweetly accepts and they sit and awkwardly drink wine while he tells her he came to paradise for her.
Meanwhile, Josh, having no F's to give on his and Amanda's make out blanket, makes out with a cheese pizza instead. He waxes poetic about pizza in Mexico being the best pizza ever and, is that an actual thing? Hey, remember that time you were in Mexico on vacation and the best thing about it was the pizza? Yeah, me either. (shout out TTM!)
Amanda also friend zones Evan, so she cries about it. Uh, these people that cry for being the ones to do the rejecting. Alrighty. Evan misconstrues everything and thinks her tears are a, "sparkle in her eye" for him. These people.
Amanda goes back to Josh with his mouth full of World Famous Mexican Pizza and he is greasy AF. She tearfully tells him about Evan while he eats that pizza. She tells us how much he gets her while he CHOMP CHOMP CHOMPS. Then she gets to try the World Famous Mexican Pizza when he macks on her. Gross.
While the women get ready, there's manscaping going on. Electric razor on back, manscaping.
All the thirsty bunch gather and our host Chris, joins them to point out how sweaty Josh is. Josh says it's Amanda's fault for being hot, and Carly wonders how Amanda can stand it. I'm with Carly. The ladies, (I use that term loosely) have to decide who they will give their rose to, and with that, Chris leaves.
Sarah sits with Christian on the beach bed and tells him what a fantastic date she had with him. He puts his heart and soul into their kiss (no tongue, poor Sarah never gets tongue) until Daniel interrupts. Maple syrup won't melt in his mouth, he's so desperate for that rose. Sarah is also desperate; desperate for Daniel to kiss her. Kissus interuptus! A bee stings Daniel on the chin, but no worries, he pecks her on the lips a couple of times. FRIEND ZONE.
Whosit from Desiree's season, thinks he's bonded with Haley and her sister tells her he may not be the one for her because of The Switch. She's super confused, you guys!
Evan knows he's a goner, so he's going all in. He interrupts the mack out zone AGAIN and takes Amanda away from Greasy Josh. He's going to tell her about Andi's book, where she wrote how Josh was emotionally abusive.
Evan breaks the news to Amanda and she asks questions, but you can see in her eyes she totally zones out in her head. She says all the right words, but her mind is made up about her man. Blah, blah, blah, I'll be cautious...I'll be careful...yeah, sure, Jan.
Lace starts to talk about the book and how Evan told Amanda, but Josh is right there. "Oops, my bad." Josh finds Amanda and she says she's fine. Evan walks up and they go off to talk while everyone watches and says "Oh no, oh shit!"
Josh tells Evan to not judge him. He's already spouting God stuff. Oh, and then he says God knows him. Evan tries to say a few words, like telling him he's too polished and he says the right things too much, but Josh keeps talking with polished words and saying the right things too much. So, Evan hasn't actually read said book, but Josh says it's totally fictional. Evan stops him in his Godly tracks when he asks Josh why he hasn't sued her for libel. Nicely played, sir. After Josh's brain stops derping, he says he won't even acknowledge such trash. And then, I'm spiritual, God, bless, God, plan, blah...
Nick gets into this mess and tells Amanda that he wasn't in Andi's book and he bonked her, so put that in her pipe and smoke it. Amanda is still in firm denial. Her eyes are literally glazed over with the thoughts of greasy World Famous Mexican Pizza tongue in her mouth.
It is time for the Rose Ceremony and Chris comes out to get it started. He tells them there are seven roses and nine guys; two will go home. Grant gets his rose from Lace. Vinny gets his from Izzy. Emily gives Jared her rose. Meanwhile, Evan voices over how he wants to stay and protect all the girls like a brother; maybe he messed up telling Amanda; maybe he's screwed. Amanda gives her rose to...and the editing makes it a big deal like, OMGZZZZ, who will she pick? Josh. SHOCKERS!
Sarah gives her rose to Daniel, while Christian's smile melts. Carly isn't sure who she'll give her rose to earlier: Nick or Evan? Evan thinks he'll probably go home, but she picks Evan, who is delighted. Carly says that the rose is kind of sort of platonic. Evan is already planning having Carly meet his children though, so, good luck with that, Carls!
Nick and Whosit from Desiree's season, wait for Haley to make her decision and she chooses Nick. Well, she obviously had to; nobody knows his damn name! I mean, it's not like she can say "Whosit, from Desiree's season" and he comes and takes her rose, right?
Both men seem completely non-devastated and drive off in their S.U.V.'S of Doom. Haley tells Nick she kept him so that they can stay to meet someone else; they are good friends. Josh is still greasing all over Amanda spouting things about Evan and this night is finally over.
A new day begins and Josh and Amanda are getting made fun of for acting like Junior High kids wrapped around each other 24/7. Emily is totally in love with Jared, but WAIT. Someone is coming to Paradise. Who is it? Why, it's Caila from Ben's season.
The men swoon and all vie for her date card. The women, especially the blonde women, are suspicious of her. The Boobsie Twins think she's too cute, so of course that means she's fake as fake can be. Also, "She's condescending." "What does condescending mean?" *facepalm*
Jared is completely taken by Snow White and Emily, the wannabe Cinderella, knows what's about to go down. They all watch as Snow White of the Perfect Hair asks Jared on her date and he stutters out that he has to talk to "her" first. Carly and Evan can't look because, "Emily is the sweetest," while Jared asks her "permission" to go out with Snow White of the Perfect Hair. Emily grants her consent and he skips off happily to go horseback riding. Because, of course.
Emily pouts back at the beach and she tells us that she's the heart breaker, not the one to be heart broken. She also tells us that Caila is too perfect, like a pageant queen and that is fake! Pot kettling. Interesting. Nick tells her that he was dumped on national television. Twice. Top that, princess.
Jared and Caila bask on the beach with their horses looking like, well, Snow White of the Perfect Hair and Prince Charming's twin brother who's handsome, but just a teensy bit not as. They hit it off and Jared is a goner. They smooch while the sun hits them perfectly for our pleasure. Or not.
Back at the beach, Daniel drinks water out of Nick's belly button for reasons we will never know and we are better off not knowing. Sarah and Carly sulkily sit while Amanda and Josh make out in the pool. They need dates, y'all!
Izzy and Lace get a double date card and I can already smell the sleaze that will happen on this night. Emily is still pissed about Jared and Caila and she would totally pick herself if it was up to her. They return and tell the group how AMAZING their date was to *crickets*.
Jared comes back alone to talk to Emily and she tells him how much she likes him. It looks good for her at first and he tells her that he likes her and he's been holding back, but...he's going to not hold back those feelings for...Caila.
Emily cries and "I don't wanna cry because I wanna look cute right now." She says she never gets anything she wants. She's second best and everybody else gets what they want. Ugly guys reject her, so what's wrong with her? Well, let's see. Em, you are cute, blonde, great bod. Hmmm, let's see. Perhaps you could work on your vapidness? A personality check?
On the double date "Glace" and "Vizzy" have dinner which nobody touches as per, and say sweet nothings about each other. "Strong connections" and "Beautiful" are keywords. Izzy is "Totally in it to Vin it." I think they drank their dinner. No, I"m sure of it.
Carly decides to make her own party and gets Sarah, Daniel and Evan to drink some wine together. Evan is excited that maybe, just maybe, Carly might be flirting with him. They drink and do push ups while the gals sit on their backs and giggle. Carly tells us that she might could like Evan if he would be normal instead of weird. Daniel takes forever to eat a plate full of greens and encourages Evan and Carly to kiss. Carly gags just thinking about that kiss, but then tells us that she sometimes thinks she might like the big weirdo. Mixed signal Carly asks for a hug when Evan leaves and says he's weird when he tries to kiss her. That is NOT weird, Carly. Not weird at all. That's a normal guy thing. FOR ONCE EVAN IS BEING A NORMAL GUY.
Back in Evan's bunk, a couple producers go to him and try to wake him up for some reason we don't know of. They go tell Carly and *aside* I LOVE how they edited the initial promos for this show as this scene happening from Chad hurting Evan! Another nicely played! *end of aside* So, Carly is still feeling confused about her feelings when Evan tells her he's just felt off all day from meds (What meds? We'll never know) and Carly stays with Evan and cuddles with him. She likes weird all of the sudden, okay?
The funky foursome go to Senor Frogs, because who wouldn't, and it's a foam party! They get foamed, they get drunk and then Lace gets a drink thrown on her by some random chick. She tosses her hair, her eyes go all evil and then Grant manages to lead her out without police intervention.
Nick is bored, y'all. He likes Amanda and she's all Josh's. He took her, you see. Because humans can do that. For the third and final nicely played, while poor Nick talks about his loneliness, Amanda and Josh go to bed while the editors show a flower blooming, a train entering a tunnel, and then a splash of waves. Never change, BiP.
Josh drops his food on his crotch and laughs and laughs like it's the funniest thing ever. Look! A food penis! Meanwhile, while Lace pulls on Grants nipples in the pool, Jared feels like he's falling for Caila, while Emily has no one. Jared is ecstatic about Caila so what could possibly go wrong with that?
Oh HI Ashley the Virgin!!!!!!!!!!!!