Bachelor In Paradise S3:E5 Hurricane Ashley Recap

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She's back...Ashley I, of the continuous tears, is back to mess with Jared's game on Bachelor In Paradise. Will she succeed in running Caila with the good hair off, or will she herself cry wee, wee, wee, all the way home? Let's find out!

While Jared is enthralled with Caila, our host Chris greets the mess that is Ashley. She tells him that Jared is her bestie, but she'll never get past loving him as more. They have made out some, but not in the last 5 months. She promises Chris she will only cry 3 times total (Sure, Jan) and that it's okay if he's met a girl in there. (Sure, sure it is!)

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She walks in to meet the group and Jared and Caila's faces look like someone took the world's biggest dump after they ate a huge meal of collards, cabbage and refried beans. Ashley takes Jared aside and he tells her the sitch: He saw Emily for a hot second, but now he's hanging with Caila. Ashley's eyes blaze with anger at this news.

Ash calls the Boobsie twins to her for intel and they start her tear engines up by telling her how Jared's face lit up around Caila. They really rub it in too: "I've never seen him so excited and assertive to go after something." Ashley starts crying, natch, and she tells the twins that she had asked Caila not to come to Paradise, what a backstabber! I mean. What a hateful, hateful person to be a part of the Bachelor franchise, and asked to come on a TV show, accept, and reap the benefits. God. Only Ashley can dictate who can go on.

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"Do you think I should go?" she asks a parrot. Even the parrot shakes his head at her while she touches up her makeup. Caila looks super unhappy when Ashley calls her aside and asks her what's the deets. Their whole conversation is filled with the word "kinda". In a nutshell: Caila kinda came the night before; she kinda got a date card; she kinda is talking to Jared, and she is kinda sorry for hurting Ash. Ash is kinda mad that she came. The end.

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Jared feeds the cry engine by coming to Ashley and talking to her some more. JUST FUCKING TELL HER YOU WILL NEVER LOVE HER AND TO MOVE ON. JFC. I know Jared is trying to be a nice guy, but he needs to do Ashley a favor and crush all of her hopes. He never ever should have messed with her at all.

Jared manages to cool her down enough to get her to stay (like she was ever going to really leave) and to give Daniel her date card. She asks him and he accepts of course. Ashley talks to our guru, Jorge, and he advises her that everything will be just fine with Daniel. Jorge, what you drinking back there, man?

Daniel tells Sarah about the date and she's not a happy camper. She worries they'll "hit it off romantically." Kind of like you two, Sarah? Uh huh.

There's a rain storm when the two go on their date and he asks her about her virginity straight away. He then shocks her by asking if she wants to have sex soon. He drills her about sex and tells her that he swings both ways only on Friday. He's got his eye on Nick, see. She laughs, Oh, you're so funny, you got me! Uh huh. He doesn't even crack a smile. Ashley falls for all of his creepiness and calls it "bonding".

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Jared is afraid that Caila is holding her feelings back because of Hurricane Ashley, while Ashley and Daniel "bond" over how she's beautiful, and that crying is not a bad thing. He then he tells us that he's turned on that she's a virgin. He says, Canadian sausage, syrup, bacon, poutine; he wants to hit that. Not creepy AT ALL, Daniel.

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He then watches as a bunch of tribal dancers come to sacrifice a virgin. They take her off in her chair and he decides to finish his meal. Daniel did not save the virgin.

Ashley tells the Boobsie twins she can't keep her shit together. She CRIES that she loves Jared soooo much that she just can't even with him and Caila.

Nick is still lonely. He also can't with Josh and Amanda macking All. The. Time. He just wants to meet someone too. So what a perfect time for someone new to arrive!

Meet Jen, from Ben's season! Everyone ooohs and ahhhhs over Jen. She's a pretty brunette that seems like a low-key nice lady. She has a date card and she talks to the Boobsie Twins first. I guess these two are the Cruise Ship Directors, welcoming all on board with the latest news. They fill her in on the couplings, but poor Jen is still confused when she leaves to scope out the dudes.

Daniel tells her he'll pay her to take him on her date, he'll even massage her. She's NOT impressed. Next up is Nick, and he smiles like Jared supposedly does around Caila. Jen IS impressed and asks him on her date. I love Nick after not loving him on Andi's season, he's a trooper, so I hope it works out for the poor bastage.

Meanwhile, Carly thinks that maybe Evan faked his illness so that she would come to him and kiss him. We actually do sort of find out what's going on with Evan's meds; he's been taking something for his swollen ankles and it's made him feel woozy. He goes to tell Carly he's got to go to the hospital and she'll go with him, which is a BONUS for him.

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Nick and Jen canoodle on a boat and talk about dolphins being the only mammals that have sex for pleasure besides humans. If I was a betting person, I'd say this date is going very, very well.

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Evan is smiling and laughing at the hospital, basically acting normal, while Carly is amazed to realize she's starting to fall for him. She tells us that he's one of the best people ever and what was she thinking before? She's "On the Evan Train." I mean, I can dig it. I've met guys before that I was not attracted to and ended up the total and complete opposite, so more power to ya, Carls!

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Nick and Jen continue to bond on the beach after a swim while a crab comes for Nick. They keep talking while the crab keeps coming for him. This is why I love this show: As the camera shows the happy couple lying down on the beach kissing, it then pans to all of those crabs over and over. Hahahaha. Whatever do they mean?!

Ashley is cry-snorting, basically wailing, in her bed, while Caila tells us that she understands Ashley's love, but she has just met Jared and it's too much storm. Or something.

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The ladies get ready for the rose ceremony and Sarah thinks that Ashley is going to try to get Jared's rose and she'll be fine with Daniel's. I have a bad feeling about that, Sarah. I do not see this scenario happening and I do not see Ashley leaving the show this soon, so...

Caila tells Jared that she's very protective or herself and doesn't want to end up "like Ashley" no offense. He tells her no worries, just trust us. Blah, blah, kissy face.

Nick tries to talk sense into Ashley. He tells her major truths that it is NOT LOVE, IT IS INFATUATION/OBSESSION. SHE WILL NEVER BE WITH HIM. I mean. THANK YOU, BOB. Of course she won't listen.

She goes to Jared and tells him that she's still not over him and he raises his voice just a smidge at her, which is a teensy start, I guess. He tells her that she came there to meet other guys, so stop making it about him. She wails, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND ANOTHER YOU?" He just says "This sucks, man. This sucks." She cries and cries and cries. One thing she says that's true is that he never should have given her hope in the first place. He asks her why she came then and she says "TO GET OVER YOU." He tells her he's going to take his toys and go home then!

 

  • Wait. Jared has toys? Woot!

    Great job, lady!

    So.over.Ashley