Bachelor in Paradise S3:E7 Sabotage Recap

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BiP coverWho's ready for a double header of Lifestyles of the Young and So So Affected? Me NEITHER! Rolling Bachelor in Paradise S3:E7 after the break anyway

We're back with Vinny listening to Izzy blow dry her hair and the whole gang gossip about their sitch; Carly gets it because she was similarly blindsided by Kirk last summer. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS!!

Izzy is unsure about a lot if things with them, but she hasn't shared that with HIM, see, hence the feeling of shock and that's it, he's leaving, he's not staying here in paradise with a broken heart and don't try to stop him: he's going. And then he goes. Huh. I didn't think he would actually GO, you know?

Ish
Ish

All I will say is that she was really doing him a favour, she just didn't do it all that well. She should have brought up some of those things if she wasn't feeling it, but at least she didn't wait until the end like THAT COWARD Kirk

Don't make Carly make this face!!
Don't make Carly make this face!!

He leaves, she cries and all is as it ever was in Bachelor in Paradise. I give Vinny a 8 for that flounce, he sold it with the tears and seemed genuine throughout. Two snaps and okay, it really was sad. He doesn't strike me as a guy who legit opens up all that easily. I just remember the first episode where she was balancing on his junk in the ocean lo those 14 days ago and she looked kinda bored, scoping out the rest of the crew. So. Maybe she did see his attention as a coaster rose.

Vinny's distraught and speaking strongly in the car ride home, but I think she did him a favour. Better now then THREE weeks in, that's joint retirement planning in Bachelor Nation.

Izzy having second thoughts sure seems to be hard on HER, I sure hope she feels better soon so she can date the lamp guy. Everyone is there to support her, awww.

Soooooo haaaard!!
Soooooo haaaard!!

Evan is disappointed in Izzy, coz apparently he's her dad, and just devastated for Vinny, because relationships are a gift that must only be given from one person to another, not a two-way street, like sex!

Oh and Jade and Tanner show up. Is is wrong that I instantly think of her labia when I see her? Dose pics! Tanner is so excited to see everyone, "deep down" he wants everyone to find what they found here. He talks (NOT a Tanner fan) about the critical four week point they are at; this is when it turned from a Paradise fling to twue wuv. Jade says this is where their story began, they can't wait to tell their children. I would LOVE to see how that went!

"A long time ago, Mommy and Daddy went on TV to find fame, fortune and to compete against strangers for the love of another stranger and then, when that didn't work out, we got tested for STIs and joined another group of complete strangers in a country far away where you can get anything for five American dollars. They said they'd pay for our wedding and the money from Mommy's "photos" was just about gone, so we jumped on it! They said we could be recurring and EVERYTHING! We had you and your brother as soon as we could lock down a contract for broadcasting the first and second live childbirths on national TV! The end"

They have a date card and they're gonna give it to one lucky couple, after they interview each pair separately.

Carly and Evan are up first; Carly was also from Chris's season, so her and Jade are BEST FRIENDS, so they sit and talk with Janner about their confusing relationship path. Carly thinks being indecisive isn't fair, and I would say that, in the words of wise Caila "feelings are complicated." Baginas are not complicated, however, they'll tell you whatever you need to know about chemistry. I would say trust the wobblies right now, Carly, if I didn't think she was stringing this along for free drinks and a great tan.

Grant and Lace are up now; Lace is being raked over the coals for not saying I Love You back to Grant; Tanner thinks Grant might be slightly ahead of Lace. DUH.

Lace is not happy with how that went. She mad, and she just doesn't see her and Grant clicking how Jade and Tanner did. She snips at him by the pool and remember when you weren't ready to be in a relationship and you found a reason to break up with someone the first time they told you they loved you? I do and I bet Lace is picking up what I'm laying down. She doesn't know if she and Grant are there.

Okay, Jade and Tanner were one couple out of many, there are lots of other ways people can be successful on this show! You could always get pregnant like Lacey, Lace! That ended in a marriage too! You don't have to become a submissive mute while your paramour flexes about not "putting the p*ssy on a pedestal."

We don't even see Emily and Hot Carl talk to Janner; they're too new so instead we get Grant talking about not being on the same page as Lace. DUH

Josh and Amanda's turn and Josh wants that date card, yo! He even offers kickbacks to Tanner because he needs this one on one time with Amanda soooo bad. Dude, they've been joined at the tonsils since he got there!! Do you think it's possible that they didn't know each other before they got there? Nah. No way this is new. Tanner says "you beat Nick again" and I think Josh came in his shorts. During their chat, Amanda comes up for air for a second and Josh rushes to smother her with his tongue before she speaks out loud.

Jade and Tanner weren't impressed with Josh and his deep protestations of like combined with over-the-top PDA; Tanner speaks for both of them in saying they thought there might have been an ulterior motive. It must be such a relief to never have to use your tiny baby voices, Jade and Amanda! Thank the gods your menz are willing to do all that exhausting talking for you!

Now it's time for Nick and Jen to chat with our newest self-appointed Couples Therapists; blah blah, not much there either. Nick isn't against anything happening, but the important thing is that he's made his peace with what happened previously with Andi AND Kaitlyn. Awwww.

Jared and Caila think there's a chance they might make it out of this alive together, they even live close to each other! Can we just never hear Ashley speak again? Can we make that happen? Her immature manipulative bullshit is apparently entertaining SOMEONE. I do love how Caila is super duper sweet in the morning "Good morning Ashley *sleep well while I cuddled with YOUR DREAM LOVER?*"

For some reason, Ashley gets a solo chat with Jade and Tanner so she can poison the well against Caila and honestly. WHO would ever think Ashley would be impartial about Jared??

Omigod guess who gets the date card? NO, GUESS???? Jared and Caila and I can barely believe it!

Ashley

It's what Ashley calls a "nightmare scenario" and can you remember when you thought shite like this mattered? Nah, me either. It's so weird that Jade reads the card aloud with "XOXO Jade and Tanner" at the end.

Four days into their relationship, Jen would like Nick to tell her exactly what he's feeling right now, or she's GONE. Gone where? Vinny took the spare Yukon to town to the peelers! She at least acknowledges that it's crazy to be talking about this so early. Nick has a bit of a wall up, he doesn't want to be a joke, a Trivial Pursuit question and silly Nick. Nobody plays Trivial Pursuit any more and the few that do don't watch Bachelor in Paradise. If  I could draw you a Venn diagram to explain, you would see that those groups do not overlap at ALL.

Jared and Caila are going out on their date, to the exact same place Jade and Tanner fell in love. NO PRESSURE! They're talking about Ashley, of course; I just can't believe he's still talking to Ashley after she called Caila a "back-stabbing whore." He's just... enabling? Ashley's behaviour? Does he like the attention? If I was friends with someone and they REPEATEDLY tried to sabotage my relationships while continually not respecting my desire to NOT date them, I would be, well, I wouldn't be friends with them and all I can see is a bunch of co-dependant bullllllshit going on here. He tells Caila he doesn't want to scare her away, but he ALSO doesn't say he'll back Ashley up either, so. Jared, you suck.

They make out in the water in their underwear in the most cinematic way possible, with nobody slipping or leeches or cold or stuff in the water touching them.

Kissing

Ashley is so unhappy she's being "forced" to watch Jared have a good time with someone else and that's it, Ashley, I am done transcribing your nonsensical bullshit. Just one more thing: she's torturing herself (and us) with visions of them in the Fantasy Suite and it would "literally murder her."

Oh wait. Carly's unsure about her deal with Evan. They're developing a super strong friendship *yaaaay*. She's asking about his past, he was a serial monogamist for the most part, aside from his brief promiscuous phase. She can't believe it, but I can: college. She just wants a little bit of swag from him, she thinks he's asexual (that's Jared).

Swag

Carly, lemme give you a little help: nobody says "swag" or "ladyboner" any more, I'd say they were 2000 and late, but nobody says that any more either. What you mean is that he doesn't promote any sexual interest in your bagina.

Evan gets a date card! Yay! Ancient ceremony time! He promises he's gonna try his best to throw down, sure! They're in temzcal to release negative energy and then they're in a brick hut and I didn't even KNOW I was claustrophobic until then! They share their darkest fears. On national TV.

Evan's biggest fear is that someone won't accept all of him, but he feels as though Carly has done just that, his weird, his crazy, his everything. Er.

When he said that, Carly says she thought she didn't REALLY accept him for his crazy, but she should. Oh Carly. You can't SHOULD a relationship. If you are talking yourself into dating someone coz he's good for you like asexual oatmeal: it's just not a good fit.

She digs his appreciation, though, she's all messy and sweaty and he's looking at her as though she's EVERYTHING and why are the birds so loud?? Dude, I get the idea, but I hate being that hot. Take me to Banff if you wanna impress me. NOT THAT I NEED TO BE IMPRESSED. They make out and ehhh.

Caila thinks her and Jared had a great date, but her going to paint her nails gives Ashley just the chance she was looking for to pour some more poison in Jared's ear. In interviews she calls Caila a "disloyal b*tch" for dating someone she wasn't dating and I mean.

Ashley ain't worried, though. She knows how to get a reaction out of him. Did I mention her manipulation yet? I'm sure I did. So this, this is the "friend" he's jeopardizing relationships over. She knows how to stimulate his brain. Correctly.

She takes him aside to tell him that Caila is clearly not as interested in him as he is in her and it hurt my brain to type that. She can see it, everyone can see it and Caila's just there for some televised fairytale shite. It's like Ashley doesn't know that trash talking someone else is just projection of what you are thinking and how you feel about yourself!

Just when I think he has a brain, he says he trusts Ashley, he knows she would never sabotage anything he has, she's a friend! So.

He immediately runs off to find Caila to ask her about it. She knows it's Ashley, too, and calls him on it right away. What did Ashley say? "Beware your heart" and Caila is furious: "she is in love with you." She's going to talk to Ashley right now

I think its so weird that Ashley made Caila promise to not date Jared. Ashley isn't dating Jared, is she like that friend who calls dibs on any remotely attractive guy and then loses her shite when an actual couple forms out of one of the dozens of dudes she called? I may know someone like that. Twenties are HARD!

Caila its down with Ashley on the beach and my favourite part is when Caila says "Okay, so you're just gonna, like, sabotage everyone else? You wanna, like, entertain yourself?" HAHAHAHAHA totes called her on it.

Caila

Ashley is still lying, of course, saying she heard all this, but only out of her own mouth, dude and that's it! We're oot until next week.

**gifs borrowed from giphy; will be more specific next time!

A little Beastie Boys to take us away