It's here, it is FINALLY here! The final fecking episode of VPR!! WOOHOO! there's been ups and downs, ins and outs, rings and turtle racing. Phew, I am so happy to be done with these misanthropes! Time for another bulletpoint recap!!
The montage of the highlights of the whole season is great, in fact, all you needed to do was watch these 3 minutes and you are UP....TO...DATE with all the VPR shenanigans, dammit why did I waste so many hours of my life watching ALL these episodes?
- Jax gets mad if washing up doesn't get done which seems strange, as he doesn't seem like the most hygienic of fellows.
- The gracious courts of Hawaii gave him a wrist slap after a 20-minute hearing, godamnit I was hoping for a new series "Vanderpump is the New Black"!
- Stassi has a new apartment with a tiny, weenie closet which has given her back her mojo.
- Kentucky and Jax fight about the teeny-tinyness of their apartment and the fact that he 'can't escape her' and he says that he had some peace and quiet when he was in jail and he liked it? Ohhh, here go hell come!
- DJ TFB is sober 2 weeks and confesses he still loves Kristin which goes to show that his bad life decisions cannot be blamed solely on tequila.
- Lalalaaaa and Princess Scheana hang in a bathroom and she reminisces about how many people hate her ratchet ass.
- Jax pisses off LVP because Jax is THE WORST RAGE MONSTER ON THE PLANET.
- Ariana-Daria is tired of Scheana's 'pageant queen persona', this is not the person she became friends with in the first place, however, I have a very hard time believing that Scheana was anything BUT a pageant queen, chica came out of the womb with a flipper on her gums.
- KKK and the Witch Queen of New Orleans prepare to ambush the engagement party, both with separate but equally egregious agendas: Stassi to get back together with Waity Katie and KKK to get back together with.....
- Schwartz has triplet brothers!! Adorbz...
- Scheana and Lalalaaa turn up at the engagement party with the same ratchet hair-do but, at least, Lalaaa admits she 'had at least 14 Mimosas' before arriving.
- The engagement party looks hot...(temperature hot, not the 'other' kind)
- YES, GAWD! Stassi and KKK rock up in virginal white, riding a wave of AWKS through the party. They pay respects to LVP who tells them 'don't fuck it up'. Is this RuPaul's Drag Race or what?
- DJ TFB's 'album' of PUMP inspired choons is an actual, real thing that exists.
- Why is everyone wearing 1970's plunge-style gowns? So...many...BEWBS!
- Why does Schwartz have a lolly necklace around his neck?
- Kristen makes the longest speech ever and Lalaaaa tells her to 'wrap it up'. This shall mean WAR! Battle of the Skank Bewbs has begun!
- Princess Scheana ugly cries and she and Ariana-Daria kiss and make up, ok they awkwardly hug and makeup, no kissing.
- Lalaaa tries to bite off DJ TFB's tongue which seems like a Very Good Idea.
- The War of the Skank Bewbs begins! Lalaaa throws down the first girly shove!
- KKK concedes the crown of Queen TFB to Lalaaaaa, "They are a match in heaven."
- Just the t.I.P are in the HOUSE! LVP wants to know if they are a comedy act ;). Yes, LVP, it's like Macklemore and Dumbass had a baby with Redfoo and Max Headroom...
- DJ TFB falls off the wagon, down a ditch, across a canyon into a gulf of drunk.
- The next war begins, Battle of the Douchebags: Jax and TFB throw down but Jax cannot do a thing because he is on probation but TFB flounces off, out the back taking Lalaaa and her bewbs back to her place for some blackout sex.
- In a desperate ploy to set up next season's storyline, Stassi and Jax have a heartfelt chat and he tells her 'I will always be there for you'. Then they talk about the 'group' like it's the mentally challenged baby they birthed together. "We made this, we did this," yes, yes you did, you degenerates.
- Stassi angles for an invite to the wedding but Katie is like 'back it up, biatch, this shiz is going to take a while'.
- FIANCEE SEX!!!! Maybe.....could just be pizza and Netflix, no chill.
And that's a wrap! Soz, I don't do reunion shows, they work my last nerve. However, I would just like to leave you with this gem of a gif....The Dad-Bods of VPR! Thanks for reading everyone! xoxo BM