Dear lawd, episode 17? Feels like I have been recapping this shiz for YEARS!!!! Ok, let's hit the deep end running on Vanderpump Rules with these vacuous mofos...
We open with Katie and her cronies Ariana-Daria and Princess Scheana trying on lingerie, hang on is this not the SECOND time the girls have gone lingerie shopping this season?? Ariana-Daria tries on a hideous flesh-colored thing that she hates and P.S takes this as her opportunity to lunge for the jugular behind her back, "Why does she have to bitch about everything we do?" she whispers to Katie. Because everything you do is self-serving and ridiculous Princess S! Waity Katie admits that she and Schwartz have STILL NOT HAD SEX since getting engaged, wut? It's been at least two months, right? Her bagina might be grown over by now...Schwartz won't want you dressed up in lacy shit, girl, he's gonna be chomping at the bit for nekkidness.
Wow, who knew that Max the Adopted One had musical chops? Ok, he's holding a guitar, doesn't mean he knows how to play
DJ TFB and Max are in da studio laying down some trax for a "PUMP" CD which TFB declares is "the greatest thing he's achieved in his life so far. I am the white fucking Kanye West," needs more CAPS LOCK SON! Bwahahahaaa, the jokes just write themselves around here. Lisa rocks up and declares that DJ TFB "produces music that embodies the sound of PUMP" hmmmm, sounds like the cries of a hundred twinks as they slip over and spill their Cosmos into an olive tree then Lisa?
Across town, The Toms are together at the laser tattoo removal place, Schwartz is mourning the loss of Sandoval's 'Bacon A' tatt as it's 'their story' of some stupid shit they did together. He wants to be "Ass Tattoo Brothers", nawwww, so sweet! In the waiting room, Ariana-Daria calls her man and tells her that devil incarnate, Jax the Nose, has been telling everyone that Sandoval is butt-hurt because no one wants to talk about his band. Let's blame it on the Bacon-A!
Now it's time for the laser, Sandoval is given some 'blue balls' to play with whilst the treatment is happening. I have heard not so great things about the removal of tatts, I once got laser treatment on my moustache and chin hairs and that wasn't too pleasant and also did...not...work!
It's pretty funny watching it getting burned off whilst he clenches his butt cheeks, but the end result is pretty fucked up, I reckon he will be buying a few more rounds before the Bacon A is gone, leaves a bad, crusty scab, man.
The Boozy Twins, KKK and Stassi are hanging out writing some sketch comedy, as you do. Stassi is still obsessing over talking to Katie and seems that Krazy Kristen thinks a vacay in Palm Springs all together is a good idea. All Stassi wants is for Katie to 'listen to her' which is going to go as well as the maiden voyage of the Titanic I expect. KKK thinks that things can all 'be cool again', oh Kristen, you really are krazier than I thought.
Speaking of treatments, resident douche, Jax and his lovely lady Kentucky are picking out her new bewbs. Jax immediately fondles some implants like the very extremely mature guy that he is.
Soberish Shay and Princess Scheana are having a tete a tete about his drinking. Shay doesn't want her to mother him anymore which is a fair call but I doubt the Princess sees it that way, "because I don't like a drunk husband who can't take care of me." But things run a little deeper with Shay who appears to be having a bit of a mid-life crisis at 30, he's trying to prove himself to his wife and worries that he doesn't make much money. "Oh honey, I didn't marry you for your money, clearly." Princess Scheana cleanly cuts off his manhood with that one comment.
Ok, locked away with all the 'Things I Never Needed to See": Ariana-Daria kissing Sandoval's actual butt. EWWWW! Jax has turned up at their apartment to help move out a sofa but really it's to call out Jax on his drunken Alpha-male fight with Sandoval the other night. When Ariana-Daria and Sandoval call him on it, Jax turns into an irrepressible rage monster that can't handle The Truth, storms off and tells them they're wrong.
It's New Bewb Day! Or 'Throw some D's on that bitch' day as Jax is calling it. Ugh, I can't handle the amount of almost surgery they show on TV, it's gross and unnecessary. Looks like Kentucky is getting the 'D's that her boyfriend really wanted which he justifies by saying "No one every regretted getting the bigger TV, no one ever said 'Oh I wanted the 20 inch TV and now I regret getting the 40-inch one'". Hmmm, comparing body parts to home appliances? Not cool, douche.
Over at Special Unique Restaurant, Lalalaaa and Peter Hair No More are catching up, Lalaaa cannot wait to declare to him that she has taken up reading! Someone gave her an Ayn Rand book which is 'about architects, maybe architecture?' she reckons.
Peter cannot wait to tell her about a fight that one of the waiters got into with DJ TFB at PUMP after Kristen came in and he told her that he still loved her. Of course, KKK rejected him and TFB went off on a spoiled trust fund baby rant at the server, Richardson. Lisa walks in and hears about it which is going to lead to some Very Bad News for DJ TFB.
Across town, Jax the Nose is quite possibly the worst nurse ever to poor Kentucky who is strapped up to the nine's after her bewb job, he's cracking jokes about pulling legs to get her sit up and she's freaking the fuck out whilst on some decent meds, I hope anyway. Lawd, he has to help her to the toilet and he's cool with this, thinks it will bring them closer. Katie and Schwartz turn up and Jax declares that he cannot wait to 'run his face in those bewbs right now'!
Oh dear, Katie and Schwartz have gathered the gang together to do 'Engagement Photos'. Schwartz is morally opposed to this phenomenon and I am def Team Tom on this one, nothing that they can do can erase the cheesiness out of this past-time.
Lisa is conducting a meeting with DJ TFB and Richardson, the S.U.R server he petulantly abused. Richardson is HAWT! Whee have they been hiding him? Geez, Faith No More and the Sassy Gay One have been shoveled into the basement again and they bring out this hotty? Dayum...
Big baby, DJ TFB is embarrassed and contrite about his behaviour but I think that this might be the last straw. TFB says that he couldn't handle Kristen coming in with her new man. Then, bizarrely, Lisa and Richardson start talking FRENCH to each other when they were only speaking in English moments earlier, wut? Seems a bit rude but, eh, just makes Richardson 100% hotter. Lisa cuts the cord and tells him that PUMP is taking a permanent break from DJ TFB and he loses his shiz, his voice pathetically breaking into babyish, it's sad and pathetic, just like him. "What do you want me to do during the week now? What am I going to do?" get....a....life....
Back at the beach, Faith No More has been let out of the basement, yay! I hope the Sassy Gay One is ok, though, vitamin D deficiency is a bitch. Scheana tells everyone that Kristen is dipping her foot into the well of sketch comedy which riles Ariana-Daria no end. "I mean, is she taking sketch classes?" she asks. "I take my sketch comedy very seriously," which she does, her podcast, The Bev's, is pretty funny and she also has the very good point that "Kristen IS a joke, she doesn't make them," zinga!
Katie calls Ariana-Daria out for being a little black cloud all the time but A.D retorts with "Well, I have been pretending that I have been having a good time around you guys for a while now," and good on her for calling out her toxic friends. Why is it that when a woman has an opinion she is 'opinionated' but if a man said the same thing he has 'strong opinions'?
DJ TFB rocks up with his new squeeze Lauren and smugly confirms what they all suspected, that he got fired from PUMP. Well, Lisa is giving him 2 x busboy shifts per week but that's a mega-demotion. He's heartbroken because his PUMP CD might not come out but he still blames Kristen for showing up and making him ragey on the night in question. Right on cue, KKK turns up but it's sans her new pash-partner, Carter. Jax takes the opportunity to tell her that Ariana-Daria was dissing KKK's involvement in stand up. Of course, Rachael, who is KKK's partner in stand up happens to be there and, when confronted, Ariana-Daria tells them that she didn't think their jokes were original or funny. Shitstorm unleashed! Sandoval gets involved and says something along the lines of 'she didn't say what you think she said' or something and when KKK tells him 'Jax told me..." he laughs in her face as we all know how reliable Jax is when it comes to gossip.
Well, these sunset drinks are descending into hell....
Satan himself, Jax, confides in Peter that he might be 'going through something' as he stole some ugly sunglasses and moved in with his girlfriend after only knowing her 3 months. "At my age, I really shouldn't be getting arrested and I shouldn't be getting in trouble," he says. "You know, just outta control," He keeps arguing with so many people and he's not sure why but he is sure that 'something is wrong upstairs,' Peter thinks that it's 'not bad to not be talked about' but Jax cannot fathom this....at...all.
Pete really looks a bit like my brain feels like doing this recap, "I cannot believe I am hearing this shit or seeing this shit, who are these goddamn oxygen thieves??"
Ok, there's yet more next week readers, if you can bear it!! xoxo BM