Below Deck Mediterranean S1:E11 They Hate Us Cuz They Ain’t Us Recap

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Welcome back to more shenanigans on the high seas on Below Deck Mediterranean with our intrepid crew of yachties and their most obnoxious guests yet, who’ve extended their vacation and trashed Hannah’s service all in one fell swoop. Rolling E11 after the break!

Jesse Biter is apparently first among Primaries. He was the one that negotiated with the Captain and also needed to have the seeds strained out of his juice. I want to be on Julia’s side there with her temper tantrum about that, but I also do not like to eat seeds while I’m drinking juice, so… why couldn’t the LAST group of guests stay long instead? Linda P. Jones, Kathy Stover and group were AWESOME!

We’re in Ornos Bay, Mykonos in the Cyclades Islands with Captain calling Hannah on the carpet for her open disgust for the clients and suggesting that she put Tiffany and Julia in front of them more. He interviews that he views it as a “personality thing” and doesn’t think it reflects on Hannah’s level of service. ARE YOU FCUKING KIDDING ME?? The whole point of customer service is to assess the client needs and perform to that level. In this case, 24 hour Denny’s with a Hooter’s attached. You can’t just decide you don’t like someone and practically roll your eyes in front of them when they are paying you to be nice and get them stuff.  Or rather you can, but then you wouldn’t be very good at your job, Hannah.

Julia’s still taking Ben’s direction personally, here’s our Ben in a nutshell: he’s an absolute diva at work, bandana and all, don’t mess with him, don’t mess with his vision, but off hours and all the rest of the time, he’s a relaxed panda. DON’T MESS WITH THE ARTISTE!

It’s like a wake in the crew’s quarters when they find out the guests are staying on. Julia takes the opportunity to complain about Ben as well. Hmm

One of the male guests is taking pictures of two of the female guests in bikinis while Danny watches, no way that’s creepy! Watch me take pics of butts! And not do your job! I think Danny was just trying to inch his way into the scene,"heey guys, I do a great Karate Kid impersonation if you’re really drunk!". Bryan calls him down to help scrub the outside of the tender. Bryan’s still not a Danny fan

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Danny and Bobby get dropped off the boat in life jackets to...

HOLY SHITE I JUST FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM WITH DANNY! He thinks he’s Gopher!! Not a deckhand, he’s just waiting to mingle, this “work” business is just getting in the way!

Sorry sorry. Bryan has a job for turd-burger Danny and Bestie Bobby; they’re going to clean the bottom of the boat? HOW IS THIS A LEGIT JOB? Danny messes it up anyway, but I call shenanigans because his life jacket is too big and it looks staged. Surely there are Danny-sized life jackets aship, check the kiddo locker.

Tiffany’s cleaning guest rooms and finds… a bloody tampon. ON THE CARPET. Come ON!! Nobody would do that, and if they did, they’d be off my boat before they could say “strain my ’42.” That’s above and beyond customer service. There’s something wrong with these people.  Biohazards should not be part of the stew’s jobs.

The guests are on deck complaining that the crew hasn’t come to check on them, lazing around wondering what 12 people have to do on board instead of bring them drinks constantly. Well, Jesse picking up one of your guest’s bloody tampons, for one, and we get a montage of everything else the crew are doing (including Hannah carefully folding dishtowels?). These guys are c-words that don’t moo.

Tiffany’s explaining the horror of her cleaning to Jen. She thinks it probably happened when they were banging and ohhh I didn’t even think of that! Still the most disgusting thing ever. I’m guessing blackout sex and now I’m worried about alllll those white linens and duvets she was tossing around in the montage. Showers, people! That’s what they were made for!

Co-Primary Michael makes it down to the galley to ask Ben for “Greek snacks” which they would like right now; and they’d like bevies please, Julia. Come to think of it, why HASN’T Julia or anyone else been up to check on those disgusting bastages? Serving the guests is sort of the point. Ben says he’ll think on it, but really, all they want is a plastic tub of olives and some Patron, chop chop!

Danny’s decided it’s been long enough, he needs his phone back. Maybe so he can show off pics of the Tilted Kilt models to this gang, but I bet that’s where they met their wives and girlfriends, so. He asks Bryan, couched in super careful terms, but basically, he’s asking “come ON, Dad!! Lemme take the camera oot!” I can’t even believe a grown man got his phone taken away from him, so there’s that.

The guests are STILL bitching about no service, but when Julia appears, only Jesse Biter orders a drink, so what exactly was the problem? And then they talk about her WHILE SHE’S STILL THERE. I’m sorry, I am yelling a  lot this recap, I’ll try to calm down. These are some grade-A guests right here. Jesse figures the crew just “hate us cuz they ain’t us.”

Julia hates that they won’t say please and thank you. If I were her, I’d be more pissed that they keep ordering drinks one by one, making her have to run up and down the stairs a dozen times. This is why people get foreign matter in their food; I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying this is why.

Julia finds Danny in the way in the laundry room while Tiffany is steaming guest laundry. Doesn’t he ever work? Why isn’t he helping? And then she’s off to make a smoothie, which is apparently taking too long because Jesse’s back down in the galley asking after them.

I think I was wrong above, I think these guests WANT the crew to hate them, maybe it gets them off, I don’t know, but that looks a lot like provocation.

Julia’s being pushed to her limits, the guests are STILL complaining about poor service and Ben’s starting to lose his cool with everyone, warning Danny back with a knife. Starting to see the cracks…

The yacht docks at Old Harbour. Danny is done with going through Bryan, asking the Captain directly for his phone back in the evenings. Danny thinks everything is negotiable, and in this case, he’s right. He gets his phone to “build some trust.” I mean.

The guests are having a great time in Old Harbor, they want to stay forever! Let’s buy the boat, suggests Gramps! Cheers!

Aship, Tiffany’s got out her unicorn head, a former employer liked her to meet him with it and a bikini and a glass of champagne; I can’t be the only one who wondered exactly what kind of job this was, right? Right??

Hannah’s girding her loins for the guest’s return, but they just want to go to bed anyway, yay! Except Co-Primary Cameron, who’s in to see the Giant Freckle to arrange for ATVs the next day. Cameron seems like the sole sensible Primary, which is probably why we haven’t seen or heard much of him. They don’t want to actually drive the ATVs, though, they want crew members to drive so they can drink. Wow. That’s next level laziness. Captain Mark will make it happen!

Ben and Hannah are joking around. Awwww, they’re getting along again! The Freckle That Walks Like A Man tells Bryan they’re going back to Naxos, where they just came from; that’s the only place to rent ATVs. So they just drove five hours this way, now they will go back the same way five hours. These people are bored, no?

Julia’s just about had it, she’s tired and crying to her boyfriend Mattie. She doesn’t know how many more charters she’s got in her.

Next morning, get that stew face on! The Captain coordinates with Bryan while Julia tries to find a croissant for Jesse. She asks Ben and all of a sudden, I get where she’s coming from. She’s got a difficult guest asking for something specific and Ben’s ALSO difficult, so she’s stuck between an asshole and a hardass, and there is no way for her to win. There are no croissants.

Julia decides to take matters in her own hands, asking Bryan to go get croissants on a tender. Huh? Ben will have set a menu already, that will be ready WHEN it’s ready, I bet he won’t like that.

Moar bitching about Danny by the deck crew, even Jen’s washed her hands of sinking ship Danny. She doesn’t want to get pulled under.

Bryan’s back with the croissants super fast, woo hoo! But only Jesse wants one and there’s a communication problem in the kitchen, when Bryan comes in to get his pats for being a good boy and fetching so quickly, Ben cuts him off at the knees. Julia’s had enough, she got five minutes to drink a coffee and get her game face on, she’s ready to throw down. Ben mocks her

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Which has Julia back in her bunk crying on Hannah while Ben struts around talking about how right she is.

Ben’s using JARRED SALSA!! Whut???

Julia thinks it’s the English North / South divide, she’s from working-class Leeds and Ben’s from the posh South and if that has anything to do with Halifax, I’m with them, baby!

Danny gets to go on the ATV excursion. Jen doesn’t know how to drive stick but he does, his first girlfriend taught him! Jen needs a girlfriend like that, but instead she gets to stay aship and “work.” Bryan is skeptical.

Big Bobby’s in to comfort Julia, who’s crying but just trying to do her job, please, Bobbay.

Danny’s finally meeting the guests for the first time, he thinks this is his party crew! He makes it all about him, which the guests think is funny. For now

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The ATVing looks fun! They’re kind of like dune buggies, and Bryan and Bobby are taunting Danny by taking personal pics at the same time. He wants something to put on the ‘Gram!  *Pout* *rock kick*

Ben’s finally sorted that Julia’s upset with him and he decides to approach her. He does it all wrong, though, talking over top of her and negating her feelings and not letting her explain. It’s not good. My two favourites yachties are at odds: I hate it when Mom and Dad fight!!

Ben’s upset now because he can’t believe Julia’s been taking him for this posh arsehole for lo these past six weeks, so he explains his background for us. His dad is writer Patrick Robinson (you have my attention) and he grew up rubbing elbows with royalty. He left England because he wanted to make his own way, like his dad did.

Danny’s working his game on the girls, who are all taken by one of the Primary guests right? Stahp! Danny gets one of the pretty girls alone, she’s gonna show him around Hollywood! He feels like this job is sucking out his SOUL (or personality) and he likes to step outside the lines. Like handing said pretty girl his phone and telling her to put her contact info innit. After all, YOLO! How often does he have a pretty girls next to him? Fairly often, it looks like!

Tiffany comforts Julia, who looks like she’s trying to not cry again: gurl needs some sleep! De-docking again! Guests are due back in 30, time to prepare food and put on that stew face! Tiffany thinks Ben’s just joking around, not being condescending. She’s totally his cheerleader and cutman, shoulder massages in the galley, yo!

Supper time! Why so much octopus, Ben??

Danny’s bragging about getting a sneak peak at the Tilted Kilt calendar from Morgan while Bryan rolls his eyes and the guests talk loudly in Hannah’s hearing about how much better she’s gotten. Major turnaround! Talk about condescending… I will say the guests themselves have calmed down and aren’t being so obnoxious, this charter might end well after all!

Ben takes Hannah on deck to talk about the Jules sitch; he’s feeling very misunderstood.

Next morning and I am LOVING this music again! It’s so terrible it’s good! Just wanna boogie and this 43-year-old arse does not boogie. Getting ready montage!

Ben’s talking to Hannah about Julia’s allegation of classism again; he’s really hurt by her assumption that he’s just a silver spoon (Great show! Alfonso Ribeiro, whut whut!)-mouthed, spoiled arrogant brat. That’s why he left England, he didn’t want to be judged by where he came from or what his family does. He cries and aww, Benny! I lubs you, you know that! Hannah crawls into his lap to comfort him, awww poor Benny. I don't like to see him like that.

Cheers, guys! Until next week

 

  • DJ49

    I just found out that Ben is a Capricorn like me, and he lives in Florida. He has a catering business in Fort Lauderdale, and I live just west of Orlando.

    • Heeey Capricorn high five, me too! Huh. I would not have pictured him working stateside. I thought he chartered all year round, I mean, he’s been on BOTH shows.

      I meant to mention, but forgot, Kat the stew from regular Below Deck didn’t seem to have too much trouble getting along with him

      • DJ49

        Kat or Kate? Kate is the one with RBF who makes “rocket ships” with towels. I barely remember Kat except that she was a blonde.

        • Kat and Ben destroyed a seahorse throw cushion during drunken shenanigans asea

          • DJ49

            I kinda remember that. Didn’t they try to say that the stain was something else?

          • They tried…but I think they left their body microphones on

      • DJ49

        After seven years being the head chef on some of the most glamorous yachts on the high seas, including the largest sailing yacht in the world, the 300-ft Athena, he is stationed permanently in South Florida, catering events, travelling north to Palm Beach, and working as a Miami private chef. He is taking his many years of experience into the homes of Floridians, cooking private dinners, catering events, parties and any other social engagements. His dream, one day, is to have his own Michelin-star restaurant. ADVANTAGES TO USING CHEF BEN INSTEAD OF ANOTHER CATERING COMPANY: There are no hidden costs, such as marked-up food. The accounting is absolutely 100% transparent. You will deal directly with the man in charge, and who also cooks your food. The food is only handled by Ben, instead of ten other chefs preparing the meal. Ben is there for the entire event, making sure everything is perfect for you. Ben’s food has no restrictions, and as a client, you can select any cuisine in the world for your party. Chef Ben can prepare any dietary preference, such as Kosher, vegetarian, low-carb, gluten-free, or simply a gastronomic delight from anywhere on earth.

      • DJ49

        This is from an interview. MM: How did you become a chef on a yacht? BR: I got a painting scholarship to a school in England but once there, I realized I didn’t want to be poor all my life scratching around in a basement with tubes and turpentine all over my bedspread [laughs]. Everyone always told me I should do cooking. I grew up cooking with my mom, and our family summered in Cape Cod and eventually moved there. We would go to Nantucket and Newport and see these fabulous machines. It occurred to me after a year in New York restaurants ‘Why not do yachting?’ It took six months to break into the industry and get my first interview.

        • Well there you go then, he’s always been stateside. I wanna look up his Dad’s books now