Below Deck S4:E5 The Freak Comes Out at Night Recap

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Hi guys, sorry I'm late! It's Thankgiving-ish and I am busier than a one-armed pooper scooper. Rolling Below Deck S4:E5 after the break, the first WITHOUT Unfortunate Trevor! Yay!

Oh right, we left Whatserjuices crying to Nico about Ben being so meeeaaannn and his negative ennnnnnerrgy and she just can't take it and she might leeeeavvvveee and I bet you could get a seat in coach next to Trevor if you hurried, hippie!

Nico gossips with the crew about it while Sierra blearily wakes up and Ben greets everyone cheerily in the kitchen. See? Just another service to him, nothing personal at all. Kate asks him to give Sierra a talk and some high fives, he's totally down now that he's had sleep. Sleep is like gold: extremely rare, I dig it the most and have almost none.

Sierra's getting some high fives from her mom already; get in there and don't give up on yourself! Done. Ben gives her a five second chat in the laundry room and you call that a pep talk?? You didn't even pass out stickers after! NO GLITTER???

Ohhh nooo it's as I suspected, Lauren TOTALLY has a crush on Nico, who is absolutely only thinking of her an an (older?) friend.

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It is not mutual.

She's super smart, gorgeous, got her shite together: Nico is just not that into it.

The guests are being taken to local dive bar, Foxy's, guess who grimaces and wiggles her nose like it's crass and beneath her? NO, GUESS?? I don't know who this Carolina Millan thinks she is, but it's gotta be SUPER important, that's some grade A assholery on this charter.

Kate sends the stews for a dip while the guests are gone: good move Kate! She just has this whole boat on lock, doesn't she? #TeamKate

Nico goes swimming with the girls, and he is ALL up in teen tiny bikini Emily's grill. Lauren is watching and awwww, she's starting to realise that he Just Doesn't Like Her That Way. Nico invites her in after all the shenanigans; Lauren declines the afterthought - SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR PITY, NICO while her Melbs heart breaks.

The guest are back and feeling feisty, Jeremy Schoemaker challenging Gene the Russian to a pushup contest. At stake in this totally not scripted challenge is a bikini wax and if you show some gross bushwhacking Below Deck: I will never forgive you. Ah okay, it's bellies. I feel bad for Gene the Russian, you do not want slack skin where you wax.

Kate has them covered, let's get this party started! Musclebound Kelley and Nico laugh from above "it's like watching walruses mating!"

Jeremy loses, of course, and we get the waxing scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin, but not as funny and slightly more vomit-y. When the waxer tries to pull off the second strip, it gets caught and we all go OHHHHH. That ain't right. I decided not to gif that, in case anyone was eating. You're welcome!

Kate felt really bad for him... after she stopped laughing. Gene the Russian's turn! I didn't watch after the first strip got caught in his pelt, that was ALL wrong. You need to stop. They both have bleeding white hairless patches in the shape of Vs on their bodies: yachting looks FUN.

One of the creepier, older guests asks if they can see Emily's V? Ewwwwww, dude, you're old enough to be her grandad and if that doesn't put you off, how about the fact that you're on TV making a moron of yourself by harassing the help?

I will say that Primary John Chow is a class act and the only one who seems to have any sense. I think he MIGHT have been the money-baiter last episode, though, will have to check before I declare him Non-D.

That same guest who wanted to see Emily's V is hitting on Kate now, he must think he's on that Hooker Charter that Gene the Russian was going to set up. That's next time, Gene! Plenty of time for your back to heal, scabs cost extry on those boats!

Kate tells everyone in the galley; Sierra comes up with a code on the spot. If Nico hears "zucchinis are burning" she needs help! Kate knows what's up:

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Ben loves this easy early night! No 12 course tasting, no late nights and he looks hella puffy in that interview, anyone else notice that?

Kate laminated the strips of hair.

KATE LAMINATED THE STRIPS OF HAIR FROM THOSE STRANGERS

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Cuppa break

Blah blah tough docking montage. I don't care, SHOW US THE ENVELOPE!!

Guest leaving time! Kate made a poster and gave the hair BACK to the guests, oh. Okay. Nope! Still not okay! Jeremy and John give a little speech, I kind of dig John Chow's laidback vibe and I like his MASSIVE tip envelope even more! Woot!!

SHOW ME THE TIP!!

Kelley takes Nico aside to discipline him for jumping off the boat during docking, I don't know, I wasn't watching it was borrrrrriiiiinnngggggg.

The tip is $20,000, $2,000 each, yay!! That's a great tip! It's in a weird assortment of currencies, you could make it rain anywhere in the world with those stacks.

Nico and Lauren joke around while he interviews about how much he likes her like a sister, she's such a great friend... she's Big Bobby from Below Deck Med!

Wow, they're flipping this boat right over and we have a pre-charter meeting the same day! The next group coming is a Brady Bunch, primaries are Marc Empey and Heidi Homme. They look nice, Skinny Kenny Rogers says there are no weirdos on this trip but I'm not holding my breath

Captain Lee lets the crew know they have a new deckhand coming in the morning, he's Kyle Adam Lee with a hilarious photo on his resume. You know the one: tortured profile staring out to sea with an apple in his hand. He doesn't have much experience, so good luck! He is former British Army, so I'm guessing in shape, anyway.

They should bring back Dave from season 1 and 3! He was so good and he needs to pay for his wedding and everything.

Kate's all excited; Ro said "I love you" when she was hanging up on voicemail! Then she had to call back and freak out and it's so CUTE seeing Kate all happy like this! Seriously, she's so chill and mellow, it's like I don't even KNOW her.

Crew party time! They take a tender to shore and you can see lovely Lauren's heart break a little more when Nico waits to see where Emily's sitting instead of sitting next to her and I wouldn't be in my twenties and dating in a herd again for all the tea in Thailand.

Lauren's watching the flirting and flounces around so she can't see while Emily explains to Nico that she can't date him anyway. It gets worse in the restaurant, when Nico gets up to move closer to Emily instead of sitting across from Lauren, so she moves too.

I've totally been there. I have some smokin' hot friends and I learned this early; drink lots and don't cry until you get home.

Speaking of drinking! Nico's getting schwasted and has finally noticed that Lauren's not talking to him, Ben spills it to him straight. That's a hard sitch, dude. Like Big Bobby liking Julia, you gotta let'em down easy.

HOWEVER, Bobby didn't sit outside and pout on the beach so Julia would give him attention and bring him in to the party and that's what Lauren's doing.

She's in pain,though, and nobody will take her back to the boat, so I'm not gonna give too much of a hard time.

Kelley totally breaks BroCode while Nico's away; talking to Lauren and tells Emily that Nico's got a girl. I didn't think Emily would be into Muscles there anyway, but apparently she was, since she jumps right up and grab Sierra to discuss. She does not approve.

Nico drags Sierra into her room for kisses, he's just loaded. While she's over telling Kate, Nico's wandered into Emily's room to tell her how attractive she is. She calls him on his girlfriend (her name is Melissa!) and kicks him out.

Next day is charter day! Provisioning! Everybody gossip!! Kelley and Nico discuss What To Do About Lauren while Kelley mansplains it to us: no matter how cool or bro a girl may be, she's still at risk for catching feelings. Wait, in the Mediterranean with that reasoning, is Bobby Giancola the girl?

Sometimes I love the captain! This face!

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New deck hand Kyle has a beard and a SUPER fast way of talking. I've been recapping British shows for almost a year now without subtitles and I got nary a word. Thanks for the subbies, Bravo!

HEY!! He interviews and he sounds exactly like Terence Stamp!! I fcking LOVE Terence Stamp!! And now I love Kyle; I'm trying to sort out whether calling him The Limey (the Terence Stamp movie!) is offensive or not.

The Limey has a hipster beard and reallllly pretty eyes!

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Ben can't make out a word he's saying HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Apparently in the south on England they have time to pronounce all the words and speak really slowly. Not so for The Limey!

Nico finds Emily and apologizes for trying to make out with everyone, they've all lost a bit of respect for him. Except Ben; high fives, mate! Nico's just young and not really attached, get out there and explore! Just not with women you work with. They have dubbed him Freako-Nico

The Limey is from Manchester, but his daughter and ex-missus are in London. There was a pub crawl and an unexpected pregnancy and now he keeps in very, very good contact with his daughter. He watched her eat raisins for 10 minutes this morning and I believe it, it's hypnotising!

Nico corners Lauren in the bottom of the boat, she finally gets that she is totally friendzoned and they'll be fine. Eventually.

Kyle irons his own pants, which confuses Kate. Hey, carry on, if he does a good job, he can iron the captain's pants next! Remember when Rocky wrote a musical called Ironing the Captain's Shorts?

Guest arrival time! Mark and Heidi seem really nice and chill and we get the boat tour again while the deck hands try to figure how to de-dock. Blah blah stern blah somefing.

The younger women on the boat are getting loaded. Primary Mark is the sole dude and sober as well, but he seems to have accepted his fate. Kate's a little surprised that the parents are encouraging their daughters to drink so much, but I think it's AWESOME! Way better than "should you really drink that much?" or "YOU RUINED MY WEDDING" or stuff like that.

Kyle likes Sierra but I legit laughed for a full minute at his "compliments." "Alaskan face" "cold weather face"? She looks Norwegian?? LOL I MEAN. You're not a Viking, you're The Limey, Kyle!

Kate thinks there's just too much sexual tension aship, Emily should just pick one dude, hell, ALL the dudes, just do it. *meaningful Tupperware slapping*

They're setting up the inflatable critter-free pool when oops, The Limey has hurt himself! We'll have to wait until next week to see how badly. Cheers you lot, pip pip all that rot!