Hi guys! Welcome back to Peter Kay's Car Share, which is hilarious in approximately 14,567 ways. From the writing to the music to the ads, it's layered like a sweet tart on bad acid. Let's roll!
We're not off to a good start, John (Peter Kay) isn't very understanding when Kayleigh (Sian Gifford - why isn't it called Sian Gifford's Car Share then?) confuses They Might Be Giants with the Muppets
They sing along and I think I see handsies! Not handies, TOTALLY different. During an ad for putting celebrities in toasters, they discuss John's awful trip to the airport and Kayleigh getting her weeks mixed up and going "dogging" with the neighbour. I don't know what that means, and I don't think Kayleigh does either, because it's shocked the arse off John.
Ohhhhhh! Dogging to John is having sex in front of a bunch of people, which means maybe I'll get some interesting internet searches on here! Come for the dogging, stay for the 'caps! Of course dogging means dog-walking, Kayleigh has a bumper sticker that says "Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas!" People are always honking
Dogging is having sex in a car outside with people watching? I don't want to look it up because: internet search history and I don't want to end up having to explain or re-enact anything.
Ted the Trolley Wrangler has passed over beyond the veil, so they've got a morning off for his funeral. They spend a bit of time discussing Ted's Nigerian trampolining background before going back to dogging: ask anyone! John would like his snow shovel back, fanks: what's the etiquette on asking a widow for long-lent yard tools?
What song will poor bouncy Ted have at the Crematorium? "Jump Around"? Stahp!! What song would John like? (I want "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers, fanks, someone write that down. In a bar, with everyone crying, awesome, great!) Maybe Enya or Kenny G? He's gotta think about it
Kayeigh doesn't! She knows exactly what she wants! For her entrance song: an instrumental version of "My Heart Will Go On", seguing into some poems, maybe "Reach For the Stars." And then she turns into a rainbow so everyone will think of her. But that's not all! Her aunt will play "WhiteFlag" on the coronet (which made me seriously laugh out loud) followed by the finale: "Never Forgot" by Take That.
John's got her measure now
His dad had something fancy for his funeral; it was just before Christmas, he was off for a month and you SIGNED THE SYMPATHY CARD, Kayleigh. Gaww. He talks about the platitudes thrown around at times such as these, no, it's not okay and yeah, he was ill but it was still shit.
Tangent! My grandmother died just before Mother's Day last year, so I flew down for her funeral by myself and pretty much stayed pickled in wine the entire time. I bawled whenever a stranger came anywhere near me and did absolutely no celebrating at the Celebration of Life party held at her nursing home. It wasn't okay because she was ill and had been for some time, it wasn't okay because she was 93 and had lived an incredible life: she was gone and I was most definitely NOT OKAY. I get it, John
John struggled with the organizing end of things, Kayleigh just did her grandmother's funeral through work! Her mum got a new sun lounger with the reward points!
John's dad's funeral was a bit messed up, he'd wanted "Three Steps to Heaven" and got "Dizzy" because the funeral home got it wrong and they had to shuffle back out with the coffin again. I should not have laughed
The service was at the supermarket, what? Oh that is just not right.
John's not heading to the Crematorium either, he's got to go in and re-work the Trolley Safety program, after well, you know.
New trolley wrangler! This is Ted 2
Kayleigh's not even capable of speech, she's just making little chirping noises. After work, she's got her trolley filled with exactly one bottle of bleach and she's peering around the lot looking for Magic MikeTrolley. She'll be the cougar, yeah!
They had to remove the flower display for Ted's accident, people kept trying to buy them! Joyce on Checkout even called for a price check!
Commercial break: "give your mouth a treat, try some of Ken's meat!"
Kayeigh's in Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" music video in her head now; who will be the shirtless man dancing with her?? That's all I remember of the vid. TY MuchMusic! Oh, Ted's there! Playing John's snow shovel, natch. A woman pouring tea while riding a small elephant...
Does John think Ted was happy with his life at the end? She's been thinking about her life and she'd really like to chuck it all in, meet someone and have babies. It's not always all it's cracked up to be, sweetheart.
Doesn't John want that? John expects happiness here and there, not life as a constant party. He sings a bit of Dreams and she thinks it's by The Corrs!! It's FLEETWOOD MAC, Kayeigh. She's never even heard of Rumours!!
She has a favourite album already! Now 48! with Steps, S7, Shaggy and I think John and I are going to be physically ill.
Full disclosure: I know who most of those people are, have owned Now! albums and still: HOW CAN SOMEONE NOT HAVE HEARD OF RUMOURS??
Ohhh shhhh about pets now, Gloria is playing!! I love Gloria by Laura Brannigan! The arm calisthenics video!
Something about his dog, I dunno, Gloria's still playing! Kayleigh's elderly neighbour lets her puppy Misty out during the day; John is horrified by her lax security. He mutters something about dogging and that's it, Kayleigh's had enough: they're pulling over to ask a stranger walking a dog. Oh. Oh. Oh it goes how you would think, I think I almost hurt myself laughing.
It ends with: if John isn't into dogging, "he's clearly never f*cked in front of a crowd, has he Flower?" DRIVE ON, JOHN
John tries to distract her with news about the new Trolley Education program, or rather T-Ed for short! Awww. Some chitchat at her place; does his mum want to come to Shabam (I had to look it up), it's the newest Zumba! Neighbour Ken walks over (looks like Stan Lee pre-haircut), does Kayleigh fancy some dogging tonight?