Welcome back to Divorce! Er. We’ve made it past the first day and we’re DONE with counseling, let’s see how they make Mediation a laff riot. Who’s ready?

Robert (Thomas Hayden Church) has been sleeping at one of his construction jobs, peeing in the same Folger’s tin he swore he pooped in the first time we met him. Full circle, we’ve come full bathroom circle on Divorce.

The Mediator is super positive, yay! Peg (Audrie Neenan) congratulates them on their maturity and agreeing to agree on things. I wonder if this is like when I shout “I KNOW YOU’RE NOT FIGHTING UP THERE, I KNOW YOU AREN’T BECAUSE YOU JUST PINKY-PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T FIGHT WITH YOUR BROTHERS, I KNOW THAT!!” up the stairs?

Robert wants to make sure, does Peg want to know how things went down with Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker) and him?

She’s good. Starter kits! And financial disclosure forms and already I’m starting to itch. They need to sort it out so they can “share it all!” They still haven’t told the kids. Robert explained his moving into the construction job as a way to deter vandals from pooping on site.

Frances and I would really like Robert to stop speaking now, but I still feel sorry for him.

Frances is team-leading the recruitment office; she asks Brian (Andrew Law) to track down details of her pay. She doesn’t want to let on that it’s for a divorce, but payroll’s gonna want to know… FINE, she’s getting a divorce.

She spills to poor Brian, he’s getting it ALL. The adultery, the passionless marriage, the constantly damp musty, smelly mustache. She cries, but this scene is all about the tyranny of the recently shaken.

I mean this in the best way, but we all know that person in extremis who monologues and ignores even the basic social graces (Frances makes a birthday party wait in the hall so she can spill her whole story to Brian) before abruptly ending post-processing conversations that veer into not-them territory (his name is Ryan, not Brian). Hell, we’ve all BEEN that person, right? I know I have.

As I suspected, Robert has no money. In fact, all he has to his name is debt. So Frances will probably have to pay him alimony and stay in that job she hates while he continues to overspend and expand his stupid construction business. Lookit, I’m already getting mad on her behalf and we don’t even know if that’s gonna happen!

Robert’s accountant advises him to stop spending money like he has money. Because he doesn’t.

This is all rioting around Robert’s melon as they drive home to tell the kids; he suggest suicide as an alternate to going through all this and I THINK he was joking, but I can’t really tell. That damp mustache hides a lot.

They take the kids to a fancy restaurant to break the news; but Robert is consumed with money worries now and his head isn’t in the game. They don’t tell the kids. There’s puking and carrying on and slapstick, but the upshot it: they didn’t tell the kids and that’s starting to smell for me.

Julian’s calling, but Frances isn’t answering, screw that. He tries her house phone next (as Barnaby, which was hilarious) so we all getta hear the happy voicemail message the whole family has recorded. Yaaayy

Robert… is not adjusting well to his lack of moola. He’s trying to return exercise equipment, but store credit won’t buy many $12 sundaes, will it? He will take ALL the PowerBars

Frances caved and has gone to see Julian (Jermaine Clement); she does a long drawn-out speech that she needs him to let her go…he’d just like her to ask Robert to stop calling, yeah? And texting and sending pictures of baguettes sliced menacingly. Just in case you weren’t aware: Julian is from New Zealand, not France, but Robert had a hard time placing his accent. Julian’s worried because there was a tall Asian man watching him and no, wrong cuckolded husband.

Frances is done; she’s had it up to here with Julian and his fake concern and organic granola.

Robert sees a sign while he’s enjoying his PowerBar; hey, there’s a building for lease! Thank goodness he saved money on those sundaes so he can lease out enough space for 226 cars! But. He doesn’t have any money.

Nick (TracyLetts) has made it home, yay! Diane (Molly Shannon) is hovering while Robert visits, but a new nurse Grace (Keisha Zollar) seems to have everything under control. Robert has come bearing gifts: PowerBars, last year’s swimsuit issue and an investment opportunity.

He wants to turn that old boat launch into a FunSpace, with rock climbing, laser tag – oooh, he should throw in trampolines, once you get past the liability issues, they’re a license to print money. Nick isn’t in an investing space right now, he’s focused on staying alive.

Diane comes in: imagine the liability issues and it’s like she HEARD me!? Robert takes Diane aside, he thought they were on the same side! He’s sorry he didn’t bring her in on the presentation but he’s got all this leftover stress…from Diane trying to shoot him. Cars backfiring, etc. I don’t think Diane believes him.

Robert screams at his accountant to make the deal, oh please do not make the deal. Is Frances still responsible for him financially?

Family talk time! Frances has been dragging this out for four episodes now, overthinking it just a tiny bit. Thank you for jumping right to it, Robert. Tom (Charlie Kilgore) isn’t exactly surprised: “it’s the most obvious f*cking thing I’ve ever seen” which is so true. Lila (Sterling Jerins) wasn’t sure but Tom filled her in. Can they go upstairs now? This is awkward.

Robert comforts Frances and she thanks him; he really did a great job of that talk.

Robert’s meeting the realtor for drinks (sure?) who fills him in on how things COULD work in the divorce. Robert’s been fixated on what he will lose in the divorce, but George (Michael D. Joseph) explains thusly: the old Male Breadwinner scenario losing half doesn’t apply when the spouse also works. He should ask his lawyer. Now Robert’s thinking his and Frances’s plan to use mediation instead of lawyers is not the best path forward for him and his FunSpace.

Guess who’s not coming to Mediation and is instead meeting with a lawyer? No, GUESS????!! And we’re out.

I dunno you guys, I’m trying to see the fun here but doubt is starting to creep in. SJP is doing her usual overacting slapstick schtick and I love it! Honestly! But it doesn’t necessarily fit the rest of the show. THC is similarly all over the place, and some of the comedy contractions are a bit of a reach, but I will hang in there, no way a show about Divorce can’t be a hoot. Until next time!