We’re trying something new here on Ginges tonight for Game of Thrones; Veronica and I are going to tagteam the recap in a Call and Answer style. Since it’s evening here and not first bloody thing like it is in Australia, I’ll be doing the Calling and she’ll be doing the Answering. If you read our last two recaps, you’ll know exactly why I’ll be the one asking and that Veronica knows everything. It’s part of her charm. Right, we roll! All the spoilers ahead!

Good LORD, it looks as though absolutely everything not addressed from last season is coming up NOW!

Okay, so we’re back at an alive Jon to start with, oooh and nekkid! He looks confused and FIONE. Melisandre reassures him, just before getting kicked out, that the Lord of Light needs him for something, it must not have been Stannis she saw in the flames and two things: A) she’s kiiiinda grasping at straws there and B) can you believe she and Guy Pearce are having a bebeh?? Whut?? Okay, sorry, sorry, Jon remembers who (Olly that wee murderous bastage), when and blames it on his failing. Ser Davos doesn’t know from now’t, but Jon’s back and let’s off to fail again. Whee!! Q1: why is Jon so confused? We all knew he was coming back. Q2: is Melisandre just flailing about looking for a purpose?

As fine as Jon looks all pale and nude, it only brings it home how wee he is! And no, I don’t mean his pecker, although I did pause it there for a moment to see what I could see. It was cold in there, retorts Jon! Melisandre was quite subdued for bringing someone back from the dead I thought, if it were me I’d be parading him around on a leash, LOOKIT WHAT I DID! She’s just a typical religious zealot, adapting to the conditions and twisting them to fit into her narrative. Although, I do believe there is something special about Jon, and not just his luxurious locks. And fiiiiine ass. I think he’s still in shock more than anything, a knife or seven in the body will do that to a fella. I have to admit that when Ser Davos starting talking, I was so hoping that an ARROOOO would come out his mouth, as in Ghost had taken over his body. Jon as Scooby and Davos as Shaggy, ruh roh!

The Night’s Watch is allll freaked out by this (small-peckered?) god walking amongst them, even Dolorous Edd has to ask more than once if it’s REALLY Jon in there, but I think they settle it: they won’t burn his body just yet. None of that was a question.

Oh Tormund, my skinny little Obelix, Jon’s going to need you and your wildings more than ever now. Edd just warms my heart, the only one of Jon’s original crew left. I was shocked when Jon made a joke too, and seeing that rare smile made the 9 month wait to find out his fate totally worth it. I think that makes it three times he’s smiled in his life, and two of those were at Ygritte in that cave.

Woot! We finally see Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) and Gilly (Hannah Murray) again! They’re on a boat and it turns out Sam has no sea legs whatsoever. Barf City. They’re on their way to The Citadel by Oldtown: the most beautiful city in Westeros (so says the captain). But they really aren’t, no women and certainly no children are allowed in The Citadel, so he’s dropping her and wee Sam off at Horn Hill with his family. She argues, but finally agrees, awww, calling him the father of her gorgeous wee baby! We all know it was kinda sorta her dad, er-oohh, but biology doesn’t make the father. Q1: has Sam lost weight? Q2: do you think the Tarlys will be anything but right bastages to her?

Dear Bob, can you imagine the smell down there? Sure Samwell, just leave your barrel of sick there for someone else to find! I can’t imagine that Samwell will get a warm welcome from his father Randyll. The Tarly’s being a family of soldiers, and Samwell the farthest thing from it. His mother and sister love him, but a wilding girlfriend and illegitimate child may be pushing the limits. Gilly is very charming though, and those chubby wubby cheeks on Little Sam may get them over the line. Hopefully Sam’s brother Dickon is not too much like his name, even though he’s everything that Sam is not. Also, the Tarly’s have Heartsbane, another sword made of Valyrian steel. You’d better get your meaty paws on that sword Samwell the Walker Slayer.

Bran and the Three Eyed Raven are flashing back to Eddard and Howland Reed (Meera’s father) meeting with Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning and another knight; the Mad King Rhaegar Targaryen (little help V?) has been murdered by Jamie, where’s Lyanna asks Ned? Ser Arthur Dayne wished him well in the wars to come. And then it begins, or does it end? So.much.neckstabbing!!! Then an epic swordfight that Eddard TOTALLY lied about, winning but not fairly. A lady screams in a tower, Bran chases after his father but is stopped by the Raven. Q1: was the lady screaming Lyanna? Q2: why would Eddard Stark lie about winning that fight? Bran had heard it a thousand times, and Ned was a terrific omitter (now WHO were Jon’s parents again?), but not much of an outright liar. Q3: the Raven drags Bran’s consciousness back into the weirwood tree, saying that he can’t stay too long watching, but Ned seemed to hear his future son: could Bran possibly live in the past while coming from the future? Is that the problem?

How spot on is young Ned Stark? That’s crazy! Um, Howland Reed you hottie, where you been all my life? Oh, in a flashback. But I think he is still alive in the present, Robb Stark sent him a raven while King of the North. And holy shite, I just read the greatest theory ever! I apologise if this turns out to be true and I’ve spoilerised it, but think on this for a moment. Howland Reed is . . . the High Sparrow! Getting revenge for his BFF Ned Stark! AWESOME! As much as I dislike the High Sparrow, knowing that there was a method to his madness is just BRILLIANT!

I’m not sure why Ned claimed that fight as his own, fairly sure he credits Howland with saving his life in the books, but don’t quote me on that. Arthur Dayne and Rhaegar Targaryen were best buds, and there are rumours that Arthur is Jon’s father, but I think he is just guarding her after Rhaegar’s death. The Mad King was Aerys, Rhaegar, Viserys and Daenerys’s father. And at a guess I would say the screaming was Lyanna giving birth to our Lord Jon Snow.

I guess with Bran, he has enormous power, and if he tried hard enough he could make himself known in the past and possibly mess stuff up. But then again, I could just have been watching too much of The Flash.

Bran is PISSED, he doesn’t wanna end up like the Raven, stuck being an Old Man in a Tree, but the Raven assures him that he won’t be there forever, he just has to learn stuff first: everything. CHILLS!! Are we gonna find out everything through flashbacks? I LOVE THAT!! Show us what really happened! Prequel the shite outta that!

Such a clever way of catching up those who haven’t read the books. The way this story ends is going to have a lot to do with what happened in the past. I’m not sure exactly what Bran’s visions are leading to, but I guess he’s learning everything he needs to know before his big final act. He’s gonna be warging into something bigger than the weirwood tree, mebbe he and Drogon will meet somewhere along the lines. Melt those White Walkers, baby!

Daenerys is marching to her new home with all the cheerful ex-Khaleesi widows, they waste no time stripping her of her clothes and jewelry and informing her that she might not even get to join their gruesome grudging coffee klatch. The khalasars will decide; since she went wandering around alone instead of coming to mourn proper-like right after Khal Drogo’s death. Q1: where’s Drogon? Any of the dragons? As much fun as it is seeing her constantly threatened (not fun), shouldn’t one of her winged kiddos be looking for her? It’s Mother’s Day!

Drogon is still sulking that his mommy won’t let him char grill small families for breakfast and told him to tidy his room. He’s off lighting ciggies for the cool kids, and is not coming home until she relents. Parents just don’t understand.

Lord Varys is talking to the traitorous Vala, she killed an Unsullied and helped the Sons of the Harpy kill everyone else. He indirectly threatens her son, Dom, but she’s in an untenable position as she sees it: she tells Varys anything and they’ll kill her, or Varys will have her killed himself. What to do? He offers her safe passage on a boat to Pentos for her and her son; she has until morning to decide. Q1: no questions! Seemed pretty straightforward, what I wouldn’t GIVE to know who all of Varys’ little birds were.

I miss Varys and Littlefinger’s sparring, WHERE IS MY LORD BAELISH?

Tyrion is bored and trying to pass time by making conversation with Grey Worm, who let’s just say…prefers to let his sword do the talking. Great line: “the true history of the world is great conversations in elegant rooms” and Tyrion just loooooves the sound of his own voice almost as much as I do! He tries to play “fun. Innocent games” with Grey Worm and Missendei (I once thought it was Miss Sunday. Veronica is too kind, I probably still spelled it wrong) but they are saved by Varys bringing in his information from Vala. The Good Masters of Astaphor, the Wise Masters of Yunkai and the Benevolent enslavers of Volantis have all teamed up to attack Dany and I *think* they plan to hit back with power. Q1: I’d forgotten how bored Tyrion gets without booze, how long until he has another paid companion? Him murdering Shay was AWFUL. Q2: Are they really proposing to take on three countries at once with no army and no dragons?

I think Tyrion may have sworn off prostitutes for life after his daddy took his two favourites away. I would not want to be reminded of my dead father Tywin on the pot, every time I looked upon the face of my beloved whore. There’s gotta be someone real out there for our Tyrion, he’s too lovely and hilarious to be alone forever! Only one condition, must love drinking games.

Tyrion the secret Targaryen (seriously believe this to be true) will take over the training of Viserion and Rhaegal and rain down fire upon them all. This would pay off on so many levels, my kingdom for Varys riding a dragon LOL!

Creepy doctor Qyburn is showing us how he gets his body parts for his Frankensteining and OMIGOD. I JUST said I would love to meet Varys little birds and here they are! These kiddos! Qyburn is feeding them candy in return for whispers and that all makes so much sense. They’re freaked out by The Reanimated Mountain walking around though, like you would be. He’s got Cersei and Jamie with him, and she has direction for the new Master of Whispers. She wants little birds everywhere, in Dorne, in Highgarden, everyone who has mocked them or plans to make the Lannister losses their gains and if there is a god, there will be a gif for that, because THAT is how Lena Headey makes this show. She’s magnificent.

I guess we address Ser Strong as Ser Gregor now? Well alrighty then, no great shocker there. Love the head snap towards Jamie when he questions his intelligence. Cersei is going to rain down hell upon everyone in Westeros shortly, seriously, who will be left? 

Q1: who did she mean when she said The Mountain would only have to kill one man in the sept? Q2: what was that part about the Faith Militant leveling official charges? Against who? Didn’t she already atone?

She still has to stand trial for regicide and incest with Lancel. I’m not sure who they will challenge for Cersei’s trial by combat, but I love the rumour that The Hound is still alive at a monastery for the Seven. Would make him a certain starter against his brother! But most likely it will be Lancel, atoning for his own sins. 

The small council is meeting, and Grand Maester Pycelle (Julian Glover) is holding forth about Qyburn and The Mountain; he just gets to the point where he talks about having Ser Gregor put down and notices everyone staring over his shoulder. Yay, Lady Oleanna Tyrell is there, I love her! Even more when she tells Cersei they won’t be talking about whatever Cersei endured, because she is no longer the queen, Margaery is. She understands how that can get a little…murky in their family HAHAHAHA. Cersei and Jamie take seats at the table, refusing to leave, and then everyone else gets up. Q1: who is that Head again? He’s the cousin’s dad, what’s his name again? The cousin that Cersei was banging but then who arranged for her and Loras and the queen to be arrested? That guy. Q2: how can we get more Oleanna Tyrell??

The Hand of the King is Kevan Lannister, quite possibly the funniest name in all of Westeros. Good old Kev. And he is indeed the father of the formerly bumbling, but now stone faced Lancel. Pycelle letting out a squeaky fart of fear was golden! Oleanna is not going anywhere, her son is as useless as a chocolate teapot, and not nearly as delicious! She and her ridiculously good looking grandchildren will smize their way out of there one day, gloriously hair flipping all the way.

Poor Tommen. His meeting demanding that his mother not be charged further or allowed to see Myrcella’s resting place doesn’t go very well. He’s got some anger and uses it somewhat well, but the High Sparrow just winds our poor boyking around his wee filthy finger and Tommen gets nowhere. Q1: a real king would have taken the High Sparrow’s head off just then, right?

Ah Tommen, is it wrong that I am secretly hoping he gets his golden shroud sooner rather than later? If only to save us from his dire acting. If he gets swayed by the High Sparrow that easily, seriously. At least Joffrey got shit done! Where’s my crossbow?

Blind Arya’s getting her ass kicked by the Waif again, this time inside for a change, yay! The Waif is questioning her about The Hound, and awww, I’d forgotten about him. She has to tell the truth or get hit, like the most painful lie detector EVER, which we establish by discussing how many brothers she has. 3 and a half, not four. Back to The Hound, she left him to die but didn’t kill him, and I hadn’t even REALISED people thought he might come back until Veronica said so! That would be AWESOME! She said he was on her list, but she had taken him off when he was left to die by Brienne, leaving only Cersei Lannister, Ser Clegane and Walder Frey. The Waif seems angry and confused by the shortness of that list, how can Arya only want to kill three people? I can think of one more she should add…Arya finally defeats the Waif and Ja’Qen gives her back her peepers. Q1: was the Waif angry that she wasn’t important enough for Arya to want to kill? Cuz I will tell you, I wouldn’t mind a few minutes alone with a stick and that psycho. Q2: this stupid This Girl storyline makes no sense. She’s one of very few Starks left: BE A STARK, DAMMIT!

See above re The Hound and his religious conversion at the monastery on the Quiet Isle. I miss the good old days of Arya and The Hound, eating chickens all over the country. She’s trying to learn how to be a Faceless Man assassin, but her thirst for vengeance will always get in the way. She’s picking up some kickass fighting moves while she is there though, and girl better use them on that damn Waif on her way out the door. And the only direction she’ll head after that will be Winterfell, STARKS FTMFW!

JFC. I need to calm down a second. An incredibly profane Lord Umber has arrived at Winterfell, asking the new Warden of the North for help repelling the horde of Jon Snow-led wildlings. Oh. I forgot everyone but the Night’s Watch didn’t know Jon died for a hot minute there. ANYWAY, Lord Umber’s father wouldn’t kneel for Ramsay’s c*nt father, and he’s not about to knee for Ramsay either, but he has prezzies: Osha (Natalia Tena), who we haven’t seen in AGES, hey Osha!! because she was watching oh noooo Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson), the youngest Stark of them all, but. Still a Stark, and that was all that Ramsay needed to unite the North. Umber proves Rickon’s identity with the head of Rickon’s direwolf AND I AM SO SICK OF THEM KILLING THE WOLVES ON THIS SHOW!! Q1: do you really think it’s Rickon? Q2: Why did Osha let them fall into those hands?????? Q3: WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO RIGHT FOR RAMSAY??

It’s Rickon, same little actor and everything. Poor Shaggydog *sniff* Fucking Umbers, selling out the Starks. Lord Umber is hilarious though, for a c*nt. I am scurred for Osha, even though I think she’d scratch Ramsay’s eyes out before she let him touch her. BUT, she is also smart, maybe she and Rickon have a plan? 

Back at Castle Black, a very confused and righteous group of former Night’s Watchmen are about to be hanged for killing the very much alive Jon Snow, including Olly, wow. Some jibber jabber about how Ser Alliser would do it again, but he’s not wrong that Jon will be fighting the same battles over and over for the rest of his long life. Jon cuts the rope and watches everyone die, staring at Olly’s gruesome face for quite a bit longer than necessary. Jon hands over the Lord Commander mantle to Edd, telling him to wear it, or burn it, or do whatever he wants. His watch has ended. Ooooh, that is so true, they only have to serve until they die! He found a loophole in the Night’s Watch and is it wrong that I immediately thought: he can get MAWWIED! Yes! MAWWIED! I may not have my priorities sorted.

I love this so much! Jon Snow is freeeee! My immediate thought was WINTERFELL, and Ramsay’s head on a spike. There will never be another Ygritte, what are you saying??

Q1: were you surprised he killed Olly with the rest of them? We know WHY Olly hates the Wildlings, and he’s not wrong, what with the whole raping and murdering everyone in his village, but I feel like Olly being hanged was always going to happen. Q2: what’s Jon going to do now??? Q3: Ygritte totally died, right? She’s not waiting in a cave or anything? Q4: Do you think Jon will take over Winterfell as the last Stark and rule the WORLD?

I think he was remorseful about Olly, but also you could feel his sense of betrayal when he told Davos that Olly stabbed him in the heart. There were others, but Olly landed the most brutal strike of all. AND HE KILLED YGRITTE! CAVE TIMES GONE FOREVER! I’m shouting again, aren’t I? 

Jon Snow is going to take Winterfell, get all that shit in order. Reunite with Sansa, Arya, and Rickon (fingers crossed). Sansa and Theon will fall in love and run Winterfell. Jon and Arya will head North, meet up with Bran and take on those damn White Walkers. Bran will warg into Drogon, and Jon and Ghost will ride him holding aloft his flaming sword and strike down the Night’s King. Maybe with Arya and Needle riding Nymeria behind him. Then he will join with his cousins Daenerys and Tyrion and rule the world. Fin.

And I’m oot!

I think I need to stop thinking about Game of Thrones so much. I’m overthinking all this, aren’t I?

NEXT WEEK LITTLEFINGER!