Welcome back to Game of Thrones season 6 episode 4, buckle up, it's EXCITING tonight! Spoilers ahoy! Veronica and I are doing Call and Answer again, that was SO.MUCH.FUN last week!
We open at Jon's sword being frowned at by Edd, Jon's packing and he's not coming back! He's done his bit against those White Walkers and those bastages killed him for it! You can allllllmost hear a whine in there, maybe a wee foot stamp, although I could be wrong.
Just then Brienne, Lady Sansa and Podrick are at the gate, SQUEE!!!! If there is a Bob, there will be a gif of that magically appearing tomorrow;
Q1: how long has it been since Sansa saw Jon? Gotta be AGES!
I was so worried that Sansa would arrive after Jon left, like poor little Arya arriving just after the Red Wedding. Well, probably for the best she wasn't there and all, but SO CLOSE to seeing her mama and brother again. Jon Snow is always gonna be a petulant little emo child, but I can totally see where he's coming from. SO MAD he lost Ygritte, Olly deserved what he got just for that. She brought out a different side of him, and made him laugh. He's suffered so much loss, with very little in the way of a win, and I don't blame him for wanting to get the fook out. Plus . . . THAT MAN BUN WILL GET THE LADIES!!!
Brienne locks eyes with Torvikndhfndfkf (red-head furry face), ooooh, something for Lady Brienne of Tarth?? They stop in the middle of the courtyard and Jon comes round to see them, looking like he can't BELIEVE it and they hug and
Q2: why are we all crying?? I'm not crying, you're crying!!
I am most definitely crying, but good crying, what is happening to Game of Thrones?? That was a moment of happiness!? Tormund Giantsbane just did the heart eyes emoji to Brienne, and I don't blame him. Brienne is a Queen! My only problem with this is didn't Tormund have a thing with Karsi (the other lead wilding that got turnt by a white walker)? Or just respect between leaders? I guess it is cold up there, and Brienne is hawt as.
They have soup and banter about who was more awful when they were kids (Sansa. She was very spoiled and adored. He was a close second, the pouty (literal) bastard). That settled, where will he go now, she asks? He assures her they will be going together, or the ghost of Eddard Stark would kill him dead. Again. She wants to go home to Winterfell, but he's tahred of killing! And losing! She says they must fight for the north, using the wildling armies that he protected. Winterfell is their home (well. He's not EXACTLY a Stark, but yes, sure) and he's TAHRED! He had to hang Olly, that wee murderous conniver! Q3: do you think the fact that he's faced so much adversity and lost as much as he has won is a good thing? I think maybe, because remember perfect big brother Robb (sorry about the wedding, fella 🙁 ) only won and then was completely blindsided by Dirty Pool Frey.
It is definitely a good thing, you can't be a leader of men if you haven't experienced both sides of the coin. Robb led a comparatively charmed life compared to Jon, and was blinded to the idea that not all of his allies could be trusted. Jon knows that anyone can betray you, even those that you think of as family (THEON). He also goes into whatever is coming with a realistic attitude, there is every chance he will die again, and fail again. And he has the new badass Sansa by his side.
Davos Seaworth asks Melisandre where she'll be going then and she says wherever her Lord Jon Snow commands. He's all "Um, thought that was Stannis" and she walks away, with him asking about Princess Shireen. Oooh that's right, he didn't know her dad Stannis burnt her alive at Melsandre's direction. They're met by Brienne in the courtyard. Oooooooohhhhhhh a refresher about how Brienne and Davos knew each other! Brienne was Kingsguard to Remy Baratheon back in the day, then Melisandre sucked Stannis's er, essence into her body and birthed a blood magic baby that killed Remy while looking like Stannis. So THAT means Brienne considers both of them enemies AND since she killed Stannis while he was calling himself King (which he totally rightfully was), SHE'S A KINGSLAYER JUST LIKE HER BOYFRIEND!! Squee!!!!!!! She puts Davos and Melisandre on notice that she's not big on forgiving and forgetting (although she IS big, towering over them) and Q4: do you think her and Davos can make up? I am on the fence about The Red Woman, but I LURVE Ser Onion and I am Brienne's bottom betch, whatever she says: goes.
SHE DIDN'T TELL DAVOS ABOUT SHIREEN! The poor fella needs to know and stop calling Melisandre "my lady". He needs to know what kind of madness Melisandre can bring on and not let her get her hooks into Jon. I don't care what she did for Jon, that lady gave birth to a SHADOW BABY, that ain't right! Brienne is such a bad ass, talk about intimidating! I think she and Davos will unite over their dislike of Melisandre, as protectors of Jon and Sansa. And Podrick, has he actually said anything this season? He needs to hook up with some wildling ladies, start up some new rumours about his prowess in the pants region.
Hollaback: I thought it was the, er, face region?
I thought we were setting up for Robin Hood for a moment, with the armour and archery, but no! It's Littlefinger!! Our Lord Baelish of the Vale, etc etc, I've missed him so! He looks even more handsome than I remembered! Veronica is gonna pee her pants. Ah that's the wee odd kiddo (nursing at 10) Robin looking slightly less creepy. Ah no, he's still making me need a shower. Royce, who's been serving the Lord of the Vale dares to question Littlefinger about why come Sansa ended up married to a Bolton? There is a standoff wherein Royce metaphorically tastes the underside of Petyr's blade and backs right the eff doon.
Ahhhhhh I'd forgotten it was that yerk Lyttlefynger that had betrayed Sansa so spectacularly, marrying her off to Ramsay. He's so dangerous, you can't underestimate him for a second, as Royce clearly did just then. He's not afraid to do his dirty work up close to people's faces, you see.
Just at the end, Petyr says "the time has come to join the fray" and ooooohhh!!!! Chills! Q5: do you think he really ever loved Sansa, or was his one and only true love her mother, Catelyn, slain so brutally at the Red Wedding? Or just himself?
Littlefinger just rolling up like a goddamn BOSS, throwing his cloak over his shoulders, all fine and clean and dandy. Oh, how have missed you and your dastardly ways Lord Baelish! And Robin Arryn is even creepier that usual, all long haired and pubescent. All I could think of when I saw him was the breastfeeding, and wondering if he got himself a wet nurse after mummy went through the Moon Door. Jebus, what is this show doing to me? LOVE the way Littlefinger shifts the blame so seamlessly for Sansa ending up with the Boltons, all of a sudden it's Royce with one foot through the Moon Door. I'm not certain of his motives when it comes to Sansa and Ramsay, I don't think he realised just how PSYCHO Ramsay is, and wants to rescue her. Or was it just a set up so he could come back and rescue her, making him the big hero?? I swear he's gonna be the one on the Iron Throne at the end of all this.
Tyrion has invited the head of the slavers to Mereen to begin negotiations; he knows all about how terrible slavery is from his experience. How many days was he a slave, asks Missandei? HAHAHAHA. Sorry, sorry. The slavers arrive (one that bought Tyrion for a dollar! Off to the cock merchant!) and beat their chests, saying "it's always been this way" and whenever I hear people resist change so firmly that is so completely set in their favour, I am reminded of this from the past. Tyrion offers them the diplomatic solution, as opposed to Grey Worm's military solution: the slavers have seven years to shut down slavery and find alternative means of staffing. Oh and stop funding the Sons of the Harpy. The slavers deny it, but Tyrion asks them to please stop funding them anyway. He rings a small bell and three young ladies come in to entertain the men as Tyrion et. al leave. Missandei looks very troubled. Q6: those women were just there to stab those dudes, right??
Unfortunately, I think it was the other way around with the stabbing, ifyouknowhatimean. I think this is a genuine attempt by Tyrion to make peace, but I also think Daenerys will be furious when she finds out. Tyrion only knows one way of living, and a few days as a slave hasn't been enough for him to understand it. Well earned burn from Missandei! I guess the one benefit is cutting off the Sons of the Harpy, but the freed slaves are not going to accept this as a fair trade off. I love that Grey Worm is breaking free from the Unsullied life, and starting to have his own opinions and not go along with what he is told to do. Plus he's hawt, so the more screen time the better I say! Flex that jaw Wormy!
Tyrion's got to explain all this to the former slaves now; they are veeeery skeptical about someone who is NOT the Mother of Dragons wandering aboot about making peace with PEOPLE WHO OWNED AND SOLD THEM and you can see where they're coming from, right? Tyrion throws Grey Worm at them: see? He was there! And Missandei too! She was a slave but she was at the negotiations! So it must be okay. She does try to help Tyrion, but Q7: what's he playing at? He can't mean to actually drag slavery out another 7 years?
It is a very political way of going about things by Tyrion, but like I said before I can't see Dany being overly thrilled by his ideas. BUT Tyrion and Varys have managed to survive this long in life by being political animals, they must have some idea what they are doing? This MAY be an attempt at some sort of double cross but I can't see how.
NewDaario and Ser Stoneman are climbing in the desert, Daario is the bro-iest of the bros, pick pick picking at Jorah: you couldn't take it if she rode you like a dragon, you're too old! Your heart! Aren't you mad she chose ME to ride like a dragon? Pick pick pick until Jorah says when they're done needing each other...but Daario isn't giving him that satisfaction either; he's not going to be the shit who killed an old man OR the shit killed by an old man and yeah. Ser Stoneman and I are OVER DAARIO. For the record, I would take Jorah of the Andals any day any way over Daarios new or old, all.night.long.
Daario is a cocky little shit, I would love to see him taken down a peg or two. But he is awfully charming at the same time. I find Jorah to be ridiculously attractive, for an old fella, 10/10 would bang. But gently, I would hate for him to put his back out or anything.
Hollaback: mind the arm!!
Jorah stops to remove his weapons, they are forbidden in the sacred city and while they could play it off if unarmed, they'd be executed if carrying. Daario grudgingly takes off his weapons, finally handing over a dagger with a cast handle in the shape of a naked Dany and inadvertently spies Jorah's stoneman affliction. It's growing. Q8: what happens when it's done? Will it drive him mad or kill him? All I could see were the bandits jumping on boats, but do people live after?
The Greyscale is very slow moving, and it takes a while before it turn you into a fully fledged stoneman. I think it just makes the skin very stiff and painful to begin with, and eventually works its way inside to the organs. If it makes its way to the brain, it usually results in violent insanity, but not many live this long. The very thoughtful people at HBO even made a special feature about the Stone Men of Valyria. Observe!
They sneak into the city, where a big bacchanalia is happening, random public sex and drinking and now fighting, when Daario and Jorah are discovered. Jorah is getting his ass handed to him by the young, tall Dothraki, so when he's thrown to the ground, he throws a handful of sand into his opponents face.
There's a pause while they both consider how ineffectual that was.
And then they're back to it, young guy strangling Jorah until he gets stabbed by Daario. That's a weapon, though, so Daario beats his head in with a rock to cover it up. Sure!
Dany is visiting with the women, none of them had a good row to hoe either. Being married to a Khal sucks donkey balls, what with usually being underaged, punished for birthing babies of the wrong sex, not being able to leave or marry anyone else after, it's no picnic. These women are not her enemies, but they also are not looking to help her. She needs to pee and one of the young ones follows her out to show her where. Daario and Jorah find her outside; they can't force their way out, though, she has a plan! Q9: I'm trying to think of a worse fate than being sold in that life at 12, then widowed at 16 and stuck with a bunch of stinky (their words!) old women for the rest.of.my.life. I'm not coming up with anything, little help?
Oh Jorah, for a famous fighter that was hilariously sad. The Greyscale must be starting to have an effect on his movement. Err that rock, I covered my ears but it keep on happening after I took my hands off! The overkill was almost funny after I stopped hearing the noise.
Um, how about being in anyway involved with Ramsay Bolton? Would that be worse? I guess with Ramsay you know that your days are numbered, not living to old age in a stinky old woman tent. Hmmm, I think I would rather die of old age than be eaten by a dog though. Also, being the poor little Sparrow who had to wash the High Sparrow's feet would be pretty average. HAHAHA as if he washes his feet. Or anything else.
Hollaback: HAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait: EWWW!!
The Sept is allowing Margaery out of her cell to see the High Sparrow (for the love of the Lord of Light, man, go WASH!!!) who gives the Queen a history lesson about social climbing and The Book of the Stranger. You can see Margaery twisting things about in her head, trying to figure out how to use this information to no avail but at the end, he lets her see her brother Loras. No doubt to play on her guilt and show how weak the Knight of the Flowers is. He's a complete filthy mess, laying in rags and crying in his cell. Here is my only problem with the glorious idea that the High Sparrow is actually Howland Reed come to avenge Ned Stark: his treatment of the Tyrells. Q10: What did the Tyrells do the the House of Stark? Yes, they benefited from it, but I can't remember if they did anything specific and I cannot STAND that they have Loras locked up for being a practicing homosexual. No Ned Pass from me, old dirty man.
The Howland Reed theory has many, many holes and it more than likely very untrue. But entertaining! The Tyrells pretty much support whoever is in power, and shift alliances whenever it suits them best. They are wealthy, and geographically well positioned, not to mention Highgarden is a very holy place. I think Loras and Margaery were just unfortunate to be in the same place as the Lannisters when Cersei engaged the Sparrows, and then angered the High Sparrow.
Oh Ser Loras! Would you like someone to wash and comb your glorious mane? He seems so much worse off than Margaery, what are they doing to him??
Cersei shows up in Tommen's room as Grand Maester Pycelle holds forth; nobody respects her authority any more, do they? I bet she doesn't like that. So when's he going to pull the Sept down on the High Sparrow's head, hmm? Any minute, except..while they have Maergery, he doesn't want to jeopardize that... speaking of, the High Sparrow mentioned something the other day...
Cersei and Jamie walk into the Small Council meeting, Kevan and Lady Olenna make to leave. Cersei stops them, though; she has information. Soon the Queen will have to make her own Walk of Atonement and oh no no, Olenna isn't having that. She sits down. Cersei says Ol' Dirty Bastard was planning on setting them against each other and if they work together, they can uproot this scourge that Cersei herself brought into play. They have to talk Kevan into standing down in the face of the Highgarden army, but he's been forbidden to raise a hand against the Faith Militant and the High Sparrow, so he's wrestling with it a bit. Q11: Is Lady Olenna the best, or is Lady Olenna the best? She's the best.
She is a weapon! Fancy having all those smarts and ending up with Mace Tyrell as your son. Cersei would do well to remember that her dear old Uncle Kevan stood back and watched as she took her Walk of Shame, was possibly even instrumental in it. I think his love for his son Lancel would trump any Lannister loyalties he might have ever had. I'm sure that Cersei knows that the only person she can trust is Jamie, but I worry. Since when am I a Cersei supporter? Since the dirty unwashed Sparrow zealot appeared I guess. And the way she bares her teeth when she bitches someone out is glorious.
Hollaback: the only thing is...I don't think Kevan cares that much about his son. From the one or two interactions, he was all "meh, away wit ye, ye fruit basket" to kind of THAT dad.
Theon has made it home, to be met by his ahole sister, who did once try to rescue him unsuccessfully and lost men doing so. She's still very angry, and suspicious that he's there to make an attempt at the throne, but he didn't even know his dad was dead until he docked. Between you and I, his dad was a giant c-word that didn't moo and I doubt he will be missed. Theon pledges to help her rule the island. Q12: What was her name again? I can't stand her, anyone who lets her brother mush around in her privates to make a point is too far gone.
Sigh, its Yara Greyjoy. And that sigh was for all of Pyke and the Greyjoys. It's so Grey. And lacking in Joy. Sigh. I do feel for Theon after all he has been through, even though he did burn those boys etc. Having that mole for a sister would make you do all sorts of terrible things, I guess. I miss the cheeky old Theon from the early days of Winterfell.
Ramsay is evilly peeling an apple when a washed Osha is brought to him; is she pregnant? He's trying to scare her, asking if she's seen his banners with the flayed men, but she only wants to know if he eats them after? No? She's seen worse, pfft. Ramsay gives a big, genuine smile and I got it for one second, Veronica! One second! But she can give Ramsay what he wants, yes, she can, it's the same all men want, they all want it and when they REALLY want it, they give it a bath first HAHAHAHAHAHA
Q13: Is it just me or is this show got some really unusual tinges of humour? I am not usually laughing during Game of Thrones, more like whimpering and looking through my fingers.
Osha was always funny, as was Ygritte, and Podrick. It's been awhile since we've seen it though. Even Tyrion isn't as funny as he used to be.
I must clarify that my Iwan Rheon crush is NOT a Ramsay Bolton crush. Okay?? You still haven't watched Misfits have you? Have you?? And in my dream he was most definitely not a sadistic monster with a liking for using food and knives as torture devices. Dat sausage, LOL.
Ramsay's on to her, though, Theon told him all about the woman who helped the Stark boys escape and just then Osha realises her reaching for the paring knife isn't going to mean anything and he stabs her in the throat.
Q14: CAN RAMSAY BOLTON STOP ABSOLUTELY WINNING EVERY DAMN MINUTE OF EVERY SHOW, PLEASE?? FANKS!
Osha tried her best but I have to admit I was disappointed she went out like that. It just seemed to quick for someone who had survived so much. But, Ramsay. You know all these Ramsay wins will be paid for in full in a totally grotesque way at some point. A Mountain-esque head explosion is too good for the likes of Ramsay.
Ramsay's bannermen have made it to Castle Black, where Torvund (little help?) is making eyes at Brienne, hahaha, it's so cute! Nobody at the table can believe it but he's adorable and I hope she gets at that NOW.
The bannerman drops off a letter from Ramsay, it's all very predictable, but boils down to a Come And See, which means that even though Ramsay has Rickon, that is the last thing they should do. They start strategizing.
It's Tormund Giantsbane, how could you forget the name of someone sporting such a glorious ginger beard? I don't think Brienne has ever had someone look at her with LUST in their eyes. Admiration, like from Jamie, yes. But pure, unadulterated lust is new. And HER FACE! Classic! Extra gif for Edd's reaction, lol!
The only good thing to come of that letter is the news that Rickon is alive, STARKS UNITE! Arya better get her assassin shite together. Off on a tangent, but so glad we didn't have to see Waif tonight! Arya needs to get Needle and hightail it out of The House of Boring and Woeful. And give Nymeria a whistle along the way, alright?
It's time for the Khals to decide Dany's fate; the slave masters of Yunkai have offered 10 thousand horses for her, the Khal might just take those himself, thanks. Dany asks if they want her opinion? The wave of men's heads moving backwards at the AUDACITY of this woman daring to weigh in on what happens to her is gorgeous.
Daenerys has bigger balls than any of those eyeliner-ed, beardy Khals. I think she has a touch of the Targaryen madness, woman is fearless! She has the mad Unburnt skills to back it up though.
Oh it gets so much better. Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of Mereen, Queen of the Andals, Protector of the Realm, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons, but most importantly The Unburnt has a different idea about her fate. Not the gang rape and bestiality proposed by the Khal and his small-minded ruler pals, nope, she will burn the the city down and rule everyone herself. And that's just what she does, dousing everyone with liquid fire and emerging, naked, as they burn and scream and die behind her. Even Ser Jorah and Daario must kneel at her fierceness. And we're oot!
Oooh, throwback to Season 1 finale! Looks like the Dothraki horde had better get their waterwings ready, we might be heading for Westeros! Daario's face! I guess he's never seen the Khaleesi in action. She is so out of your league, Naharis.
Yay good show, what? Veronica, what say you?
So much is happening every episode! Sansa and Jon! Brienne and Tormund! Brienne! LITTLEFINGER! Ser Loras! Awwww Osha! YAY KHALEESI!
Yo Drogon, time to come to mama!