Hi guys, sorry I'm late! I hear this is a harrowing episode of Girls, so I'm bracing myself. Back to What Will We Do This Time About Adam? I have my fingers crossed!
We open with Jessa (Jemima Kirke) listening to Adam (Adam Driver) discuss his future plans: he's sorry if she's mad, but he wants to tell Hannah (Lena Dunham) that he wants to honour their past history (and his higher power) that they can't erase (I SO have an Adam) by raising this baby with her.
I legit gasped
Jessa (lounging in her ginch - seriously, tell me you didn't stare at her crotch the whole time, you big fibber) doesn't gasp or let it bother her at all. She doesn't want to punch Adam or spit on him, she's not a zookeeper.
That makes him sad. I think he was expecting a fight to make him feel better. I'm concerned about how well Jessa is taking it, personally.
Look how great this fake belly is!!
And I'm not the only one who noticed the fancy underwears; Elijah (Andrew Rannells) wants to know why she waited until pregnant to get decent ginch? It's hooooooottttt there
Hannah's struggling with Paul-Louis's reaction to the news of the baby-to-be; she's wondering if she was maybe a little naive about how easy this was going to be?
Oh sister, we all were. All you parents out there, remember when you thought you were SO READY for the first baby, had your little three-pack of sleepers and 4 adorable onesies with adorable sayings and maybe even a six-pack of baby washcloths, just in case? No formula, because of course: breastfeeding is natural and the easiest thing in the WORLD! We'd sleep when the baby slept, co-sleep in splendor and have all this time to count toes and wonder at the miracle of life that we had been blessed to bring forth. I won't spoil it for those of you who are still in that stage, but email me at month 2 post-partum and we'll share stories. email@example.com
Elijah misunderstands; no, Hannah doesn't want an abortion, she's having feelings! Totally different! I don't know how I feel about Elijah agreeing to find the one of the two doctors in the country to do the procedure. I guess he's a good friend?
GO, ADAM! Whenever we have one of these Adam + Hannah possibly reconciling episodes, I get so tense, let it happen already!
As it is written, so let it be done. Hannah is getting one thousand freezies when Adam spies her in the convenience store; she won't go outside and talk, so her good friend Amir gets to hear it the same time as us
I legit sqeee'd!!! Yay!!! I don't know what it is about these two but they really are it.
She's confused; let's go talk at Chez Hannah. Meanwhile, Jessa's losing her shit talking to her cable provider: she wants an ELITE PACKAGE, what part don't you understand?? ANIMAL PLANET. Gawww. Then she throws up.
If you've ever turned on a TV, you know what a woman between the ages of 18 and 45 (below 18 if it's an After School Special) throwing up on camera means... she's pregnant.
Adam and Hannah are having awkward-looking sex around her baby bump, he feels like they have an audience! THEY DO
Ray (Alex Karpovsky) - hey I was just wondering if we'd get some Ray and Shosh action and we are! Shosh (Zosia Mamet) is listening while he tries to convince someone to digitize the tape recordings he found at Hermie's house, so that people can fully appreciate the "horror of gentrification."
I'm super shallow, but Ray looks great here! Nice to see him in a colour and I'm a big fan of plaid. Basically, I'm just glad he's not naked. He's taking this inheritance angst a little far, it's not like the worst thing to even happen, Ray. Is it?
Shosh suggests maybe he chill? He air-quotes at her, which I've not actually seen before
And there's Abigail (Aidy Bryant) yelling from across the street. Yay! Shosh warns Ray that Abigail's just slightly over the top and never turns off (I was Abigail in my twenties with crappier clothing); and then she's upon them! She's been "dominating" Shosh's inbox, and they're off to find some obscure tape from the 80s! Er
Jessa's wandered over to see Laird (Jon Glaser) and his kiddo; the murmuring before made me laugh out loud. "Mommy ran off. She walked out!" "Yeah, Mommy can't stand Daddy." Jessa does an over-loud "BOO" startling Laird and Sample. Okay, whew, she's about to talk about how upset she is that Adam is upstairs with Hannah, preparing to help her raise her baby by "a Brazilian zipliner." Soooo close. I'm just glad she talking and not using; stress and shock are a motherhumper.
And so is Adam! Almost! Now he and Hannah are done the sex and are moving on to him listening to Hannah's belly and it's sweet and wonderful and then Laird shows up. HE wants to help Hannah raise this baby!
Would it be awful to point out Hannah's two choices in picture form?
Oh. Oh and lunch goes so off the rails with Ray and Abigail and Shosh. I had this awful feeling that Ray and Abigail were going to hit it off and I think we're there. They're both tipsy and have the same question!
Would you rather live in an ugly building with a beautiful view or a beautiful building with an ugly view?
Shosh gets it wrong, Abigail and Ray are on Team Beautiful Building and she's an outcast with her beautiful view. Ray and Abigail so banging later.
I'm on Team I Don't Like People Who Ask Questions Like That To Judge Their Friends and Acquaintances
Hannah: so what's it like to f*ck Jessa, Adam? No way that wasn't coming up! And how is it affected by the shape of Jessa's body and the state of her hair? I love that Adam starts singing his answers to avoid; he hasn't looked this happy in ages!
They walk and talk and then sit and talk; Hannah has all the worries about her upcoming baby to be; so many fears! But Adam will help. Why does she want this baby anyway? It has to do with a complicated sleepover metaphor, but to paraphrase: she's ready and she can't wait. He's muscling past his gag reflex.
He confiscates her soda after their talk, get ready for LOTS of that action, mamas to be! Everyone else knows best what you're supposed to eat AND drink AND do!
Jessa goes into a bar.
Don't do it, Jessa!
She starts with a seltzer, a smoke and the sports section but she's staring at the guy downbar with a neck tattoo, probably assessing the possibility to score drugs.
Don't do it, Jessa!! You're probably pregnant, you threw up on camera and everything!
Well. She scored all right, but not drugs and she cried all the way through the sex in the bar bathroom, so...win?
Hannah spaces out in the hardware store; Adam's gonna build everything they need (a crib? Hard pass) so an not to have toxic ooze around "our kid." Hmm. She's got a song about freedom playing in her head as she stares at a picture of a baby being washed by his married mommy, what is she thinking? I am so worried about the other penny dropping with these two. Please make it through!
Ray and Abigail have lost Shosh somehow and they're talking about his project now; honouring Hermie's anti-gentrification project. He wasn't expecting to have to be so social and he's not very good at it. Abigail's all: well then, let's practice! As so they do, asking everyone all over Brooklyn how they feel about gentrification and they bond, aww. Then they kiss later on a carousel and I didn't pay quite enough attention because I was so devastated by what happened next with Hannah and Adam.
They're getting soup in a diner, doing well, planning for the future and it's ticking right along until he mentions marriage. He looks happy
And then Hannah cries and we watch them break up without words and we all cry and WHY. Why couldn't it work? Why couldn't it be real? Because we know by the end of that silent 2 minute stare that is isn't real and it will not work. But he's so ADORABLE! It's because of Jessa? Or the permanence of what they were talking about finally sunk in to Hannah and she realised: NO?
Me and Hannah go home to cry some more while Adam goes home to Jessa, who's very happy to see him.
booooooooo. I can't even get mad because that was just so SAD. Why can't they work?? Why can't they go back to where they were and move forward? Why. Damnit.
Side note that I should probably care about but; Ray and Abigail are a good match, no history and her sunniness will make up for his dour demeanor. Beware the merging of opposites; it has a shelflife of about 5 years. Also: Shosh tried to stop Ray sharing about his project with Abigail, saying she was just asking to be polite. Was that projecting? I was just contemplating the nature of early twenties relationships where it's a rare person who knows what they really like (especially rare female person) and it's easy to get swept up in all kinds of shite you aren't really interested in because your partner is. Or your best friend is into something; was Shosh projecting just then? SHE thought Ray's project was lame so she assumed Abigail would too?
Anyway, nobody cares because Adam and Hannah are done and we don't even really know WHY! That hurt. Until next time.