Last year, I recapped the first season of Kingdom on our shared Book Club site (don’t ask, it made sense at the time); mostly because I heard Nick Jonas was getting all gay pron-y up in there, and he kiiiinda did, but I ended up being impressed mostly with Jonathan Tucker and Frank Grillo, who played father and son, among other things. Rolling S2:E1 New Money after the break!

We open at a MMA match between the gym’s drug dealer Mac (Mac Brandt) and another fighter; Jay (Jonathan Tucker) and Nate (Nick Jonas) are coaching but Mac isn’t doing so well… Nobody does pep talks better than Jay, though, and “TINY DICK”-grilled Mac goes back in there and crushes his similarly chubby opponent. Jay jumps on him and starts celebrating, Nate says “all right, stop fcuking him.”

Alvey (Frank Grillo) is shooting some guns, which makes perfect sense, given how he’s an action star on the rise in (kinda) real life. He’s buying them, though, which is probably a good idea given what was going on last season with the gangbangers coming after him through his son. They beat up Nick really badly, pretty much ending his about-to-be huge MMA career because Alvey accidentally disrespected a gangbanger car on a run. Alvey and the gunrunner are friends, too. They talk about the fights that night, Ryan doing his first title defense since King Beast and Jay (with  stupid haircut) fighting as well.

Lisa’s throwing up, which ALWAYS means the woman is pregnant, never mind I know not one woman who threw up regularly during her pregnancy. Now that’s interesting, because she and Alvey broke up at the end of last season. She was messing with her ex-fiance Ryan (Matt Lauria) and Alvey was slamming his almost-ex-wife Christina (Joanna Going) up against a brick wall with his privates. The baby after breakup always seems like the writer is trying to make sure everyone knows they can’t get away clean; HA, there’s a child now, GOOD LUCK WITH NEVER TALKING AGAIN!

Garo (Bryan Kallen) is calling already, he’s the ‘CITED type of promoter, but 6 am is 6 am, Garo, feck off! Lisa will call you back after she’s done worshipping the porcelain god.

Jay’s there to pick up Ryan, who isn’t coming to his honk. Inside, Ryan’s sitting on the couch, nursing a bad belleh and juicy-pooping behind. Jay always has to pump Ryan up; the champ chokes under pressure like a faulty PSV. If you haven’t seen season one, you should read my recaps (although I’m sure they’re terrible, it’s just when I was starting oot) and watch the “This is what we Dooooooo” scene with Jay and Ryan. Basically, for a man with full body tattoos (including DESTROYER across his chest) and the training of a Navy Seal, Ryan sometimes requires a little extry motivation to kick people in the face.

They take a minute to talk about Ryan’s house. It’s Keith’s and it’s free, so it has that going for it. Keith killed his mom in the back bedroom with a hammer, so they stare at it for a bit. Keith was Ryan’s friend in the halfway house last season, Ryan helped him out and I guess that’s how he got the house?

Dang, Alvey is looking good, he’s got a little extra swagger in his step and he always was built like a brick wall, just now with great hair, too. Navy St. looks the same, Nate’s lolling around with Casey (Alisa Allapach) and pretending like he doesn’t want to gobble a knob in between sparring rounds with a real MMA fighter, awww. The closet is real and so sad. Be you, BabyJonai!

Alvey gets coffee and bad support from Shelby (knowing a message exists is NOT the same as having it delivered, good point, Confucius!) *Juliette Jackson). The hot water is out, too, but that’s Lisa’s department, baby or no. She’s “pregnant, not paralysed” says Alvey and maybe she’s tired, too, fella! First babies are exhausting!

He’s drawn out to the gym by Ryan, who looks like shite! Get Mac to start an IV, STAT!

Ah, Nate and Jay’s mama (and Alvey’s almost-ex-wife) Christina is back on the straight and narrow maybe, she WAS hooking for drugs, but Jay’s kidnapping her and forcing her to go cold turkey seemed to straighten her out for a little while, anyway.  She’s working at a fast food kiosk in a mall, and looks just slightly over it. Her coworker nods at her and I hope that’s for a break, not an indication that he’s put drugs in her locker that he expects her to pay for later.

Jay’s in to see Lisa; he’s there to massage her perineum should she need it, just so she knows. Awww, that’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard a step-son say to his DAD’S WIFE. I guess they got married, since he called her Mrs. Prick, UPDATE: noope, I think he called her Ms. Prince, which is her full name. She has bad news, though, his fight won’t happen tonight because the other fighter pulled his MCL. Hey! What about he takes Ryan’s fight? He is just mad, I love watching him go. Veronica, you gotta see this guy. If he grew his hair, I think he might be your type. I like his spunkiness.

Ryan’s getting his second bag of fluids through IV when Jay bursts in to yell some more; Hassan sucks! Is everyone afraid of Jay? He’s kind of crazy. The night is not about him, though, it’s about the champ. He’s gonna go home, have a burrito, enjoy some margaritas and after putting on his finery, will return and cheer for Ryan like a Peruvian girl at a Michael Jackson concert.

Okay, so Christina WAS being sent into the back for drugs, but WITH the co-worker Jamal (Ishmael Sahid), who also seems to be her boss because she’s bitching about him scheduling her for the extra hours she asked for.

Alvey and Nate are playing with his new weapons, good lord. I do not understand how lightly massive guns are handled on TV and the movies. I get the fascination, they go boom after all, but these are deadly, deadly weapons and they are just lying around everywhere.

Nate’s gonna have his first fight back after rehabbing for a long time, yay! He’s all relaxed and just ready. Alvey asks if he’s off the HGH and the steroids now, he needed it for the injury but if he gets popped now, it will follow his whole career. Nate swears he’s clean. He is probably not clean.

Lisa comes by on her way out, sooooo very pregnant. They aren’t getting along any better than they were before, lots of dropped sentences and things left unsaid; she’s off to see a new fighter Alicia Mendez (Natalie Martinez), who’s having not a great day. She looks nervous and she broke her lipstick. She knows Lisa is a hetero woman, right?

Lisa gives it to Alicia straight in the meeting. She thinks Alicia is a good fighter that needs better advice and to stop taking garbage fights with much more experienced fighters. I’m glad they’re developing a female MMA fighter;  I think it’s worth noting that female fighters weren’t even considered in MMA until Ronda Rousey. Dana White said no way, never, but nobody says NO to ArmBar Rousey.

Jay’s getting high and waxing poetic about the business industrial complex of the sport and then Freud, and did I mention he was high AF? All red eyes and tears and fast talking. Mac is confused, but back to reality, should they clean this up before Jay’s mom gets home? Nah.

Christina is complaining about her hours to Nate, why doesn’t she just tell her boss what hours she wants to work? Er, that’s not how it works, honey, but he wouldn’t know that. He’s not had a job. That’s not a good thing, either but she doesn’t manage to wangle an invite to the fight either, so pouting all around.

Nick Jonas is really cute when he smiles

Alicia isn’t sure about Lisa, everything sounds good but what about after the baby? Lisa assures her she will still be doing all the managing, nothing will change…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Breathe

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Good luck with that, Lisa!

Ryan’s trying to pump himself up solo before the fight. Men are nuts, amirite? I wouldn’t slap myself in the face and yell for just about anything.

Lisa and Alvey are tag-teaming Garo’s replacement Eddie (Kevin Weisman); Garo’s anal fistula was acting up this morning (just like Ryan’s!) so heads-up Eddie; Jay’s on a rampage. Alvey wants to meet a new fighter talked up by Garo, but he turns out to be much older, much more Portuguese – speaking than Spanish and not at all what Alvey is looking for.

Christina sits at home and drinks wine (totally okay for an addict, sure) while Eddie is approached by Jay to be yelled at for about 30 seconds that probably felt like 100 hours to poor smarmy Eddie.

Alicia is in the back and thoroughly hit on by Jay, I sure hope she can fight. The look she gave Ryan just then means that she may have signed with Lisa for reasons other than what she said.

Jay doesn’t use condoms, Mac, and all I have to say is… MAKE GOOD CHOICES, JAY! He sees Hassan’s posse over in the other room and goes over to shout a bit, before heading back to the bar.

Speaking of the bar, Christina is all dressed up and working a bar stool with Dave (Larry Poindexter), who’s sussed that she was / is? a pro and is ready to reward himself for being the salesperson with the best grasp of his product, even if those “nutless worms” in management are incentivized to cut him off at the knees. She takes his room key and primes his pump a little before dumping the key and stalking off. Maybe she wasn’t looking to make some side cash; maybe she just wanted to go out and flirt a little and was dismayed to learn that her bod still had that sign reading “for rent.” I’m sorry, Christina, that would be disappointing. I will say I was surprised; she didn’t seem to be working to me.

Fight time! I will do my best to watch but I hate how bloody MMA fights are. Biohazards ERRYWHERE and not even the fun ones.

Johnny Cash plays as Ryan is checked and then allowed into the ring in his tiny tiny ginch. And then the fight is on: first round is uneventful, save a big cut over Ryan’s left eye. Ryan’s having problems sealing the deal in the second round, and if Alvey’s shouting is anything to go by, he needs to use his hands more.

The fight goes the full five rounds without a knockout, so we go to the judges for a decision: Ryan takes it in a split decision. The crown boos more than cheers, though, so Ryan gets up to explain why it wasn’t his best fight. Jay decides to make some more friends by jumping the boo-ers, Hassan’s crew.

Ryan’s worried about his shitty fight, Alvey reminds him that the important part is that they raised his hand, not that the crown jeered. “Take the win. Take.the.win” chants Alvey, looking pissed. He leaves and Ryan looks very emotional. He IS very emotional.

Jay and Nate get home to find Christina playing possum on the couch: looks like Jay got his fight! She stayed home and meditated…*side-eye from Jay*.

Alvey’s been getting call after call on his cell from an unknown number, so he’s not going to answer (he doesn’t talk to strangers, which is a shame, I LOVE to talk to strangers!), just obsess about it and stare at his phone. I mean. He tries to pull Lisa in for a pre-partum cuddle, but she declines; his Scotch is making her gag. He moves to another bed and she asks him to look at Alicia, she thinks this new fighter has something.

Not even any kisses for Alvey, his Scotch-guarded breath is making her wanna throw up.

Garo and his anal fistula are in to see Alvey; Ryan popped for cocaine on the pre-fight testing. I don’t mean to get pedantic here, but didn’t he have a massive vomiting and juicy poop situation right before the fight? How could cocaine still be in his system? It clears the body in 24 hours and less if there wasn’t anything there to metabolise. I should point out that I’m quoting drug stats from an Orientation training I had on site 10 years ago.  I’m not a doctor, I just think I know everything. That just seems slightly hinky.

The real damage wouldn’t just be to Ryan’s career, though, he could get sent back to prison. He was just released last year for attacking his dad, which ended up with his dad in a wheelchair. Garo will bury the report if Ryan signs with King Beast Productions for his next six fights. Alvey negotiates, but really: hasn’t a coked-up leg to stand on. Alvey looks so gaunt and drawn, I don’t know if it’s the Scotch or the stress, yo. And we’re oot

I’m not sure about this deal, 6 fights is a lot in a fighter’s career. If a fighter has a bad one and it could be a year until the next. This also means that King Beast Productions has locked down the next six title defenses, which is a very big deal, so a savvy move by Garo. I’d take a good long look at that test result, Alvey. Until next time, keep your body fluids out of the ring and your hands up, y’all! Cheers