Last week on New Girl, Jess managed to get her ex boyfriend Sam's current girlfriend to break up with him, and now she's determined to make it right. Let's see what kind of mess she gets up to this time!
Jess has texted Sam the Brownie-Smoosher three times, and also left him a mood-lightening voice mail about Floppy the bunny getting stuck in the lawn mower at her school and how she had to, well, her friends think that's a terrible idea of course. After Nick walks in complaining that the new hipster bar next to them has valet and he can't find a place to park; Jess is served with a restraining order from Sam, "A restraining order? That's worse than herp-ays," offers a helpful Schmidt.
Nick, Schmidt, and Cece go over to "Presh," where the waiters look like Civil War surgeons it's so hip, to meet Connie the owner, (played by Busy Philipps) and she thinks Nick is the nutmeg wholesaler, which Cece agrees,"That's what it is? I've been trying to figure it out for years!" They tell her the valet is keeping their customers from being able to park at their bar, "The Griffin". She dismisses them, and the nutmeg guy walks up, who looks exactly like Nick, and they say "Hey" back and forth to each other over and over. HAHAHAHA
Jess goes to the police station to have the restraining order over-turned. Winston tells her to give it up already, and say alleged, dammit, he doesn't need "Internal affairs crawling up in all my holes." She says she could maybe drop Sam a note to clear it all up. He tells her to let it lie. Fine, she says, no letters then.
At the hospital parking lot Jess looks for Sam's car to put her letter. She spots him walking up, so she jumps in the first truck bed she sees. OF COURSE it's his and he drives off with her in it.
Jess calls Winston and tells him she "allegedly" is in Sam's truck. She tells him she needed to let him know she's not crazy as Selena Gomez's "Can't Keep My Hands To Myself" plays in his cab.
Nick is upset that Schmidt wants to make some changes in the bar to keep up with hipster Presh. Cece offers him a fancy drink she made up called "Whiskey Business" and it tastes, "A little chunky. Tastes like loose chili." She says she'll go after some fresher ingredients. Nick and Schmidt discover the soda hose has been cut. Nick thinks they should go get revenge at Connie's bar because she clearly did this. Schmidt asks what are they, "Tonya Harding's henchmen? Am I Jeff Gillooly?"
Meanwhile, Sam's radio is now playing Gomez's "The Heart Wants What it Wants" and OF COURSE he decides to go to a drive-through car wash. Jess manages to get out after she's been brushed and mangled a wee bit. She ends up slamming up against his windshield as he's jamming out to the song, scaring him to death. "I'm not crazy," she says.
Nick and Schmidt tell Cece how they threw a branzino in Connie's bar to stink it up, and they laugh and laugh until Cece says she actually cut the soda line on accident. Connie walks in and has them both on video throwing the fish in her bar. She tells them to not mess with her; it has been the worst year of her life: Her cat died, then her husband left her for her neighbor, so she heard them having sex every night. Then he left her for her mother, but that's a whole 'nother story. Then her other cat died. THEN she ran over a dog with her dead cat on her lap! She will destroy them now that they've messed with her bar. Yeah, I think they messed with the wrong person right there.
Sam confronts Jess and she tells him she's not dangerous and he doesn't need to be scared of her, obvs. She says she'll just leave, and she turns around and OF COURSE slams her head into a pole and can't walk from being dizzy, so OF COURSE, he tells her to get in the truck. She says she gets it, it's pitiful to look at.
Cece is drunk from testing all the booze for poison, and the guys are busy trying to figure out what Connie has done or is going to do. They start arguing from the stress of it all. Drunk Cece wonders if Connie planned this all along; they would be so paranoid they'd all fight and drive all the customers away. Nick says he's all alone and he's going to call a family meeting.
Jess tells Sam that when he drops her off she won't bother him again. As she puts some dry scrubs on she pulls her wet dress off and tosses it, and OF COURSE it lands across Sam's face and he almost gets in a wreck because it covers his eyes. He manages to pull over and stop. He tells Jess to get out. She tells him that the reason she keeps bothering him is she just can't stop thinking about him and she's changed. He grabs her in a kiss and tells her he's still very mad at her. "I feel like I'm on Grey's Anatomy in these scrubs." "I don't know what that means," he says. Ha.
They open the door to the apartment and Winston says, "300 feet apart away from each other. NOW." Jess tells him they've figured it out, it's okay. Sam asks him when he became a cop and Winston digresses all happy like telling him the story until he finishes with, "300 feet!"
Nick has a "Godfather" type meeting to end the terrible war they've been having with the families of Connie of the North: owner of "Presh," and Peter Varibiam of "Produce/Cold Beer/Ice" store. He thanks Nick for the spaghetti. "Wasn't that a nice thing to say. I wish we were all so polite," says Nick. HAHAHA Annalisa from Annalisa's Nails couldn't make it. Schmidt shows up and tells Connie that her fancy bar will never have Nick. He didn't just invest in the bar, he invested in Nick as well. Nick says they can hire a valet for The Griffin. "Are they in love?" Connie asks Cece. "Yes, very much so." BAHAHAHAHA They all salute, and Connie compliments the scotch. Nick asks her if she wants to go out. She'd rather go out with Peter and his mouthful of spaghetti.
Winston wants Sam and Jess to think things through before they do anything rash. Jess tries to tell him they're sure, they've grown up and changed, but Sam says he's right. He stayed away from her because she's too dangerous to him. He can't trust himself around her. If she's changed, he hasn't and that's not good. She says what's that Selena sings? "Take Your Things and Go?" No, it's "Take Away Your Things And Go," he tells her. She tries again twice and can't get it. He tells her goodbye and leaves.
Winston tells her he's sorry and leaves. Jess has a realization, and she runs out and stops Sam. She tells him she lied. She hasn't changed at all, she doesn't know why she said that, it just sounded right at the time. He tells her to get in, and they make out in the traffic.
Best Lines of the Night:
Schmidt on valet parking: "Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys in the general direction at someone you care nothing about?"
Schmidt on hipster bar Presh's decor: "Nothing matches, yet nothing is random."
Winston on Jess wanting to talk to Sam to clear up the misunderstanding: "The magic of a restraining order is that you can't talk to him, and that...that... is human drama."