Welcome back to another week of back to back episodes of New Girl until our finale on May 10! This episode features Schmidt's Bachelor party, let's go Road Trippin'!
Schmidt and Cece get cut off by a car and Schmidt honks at him. The car stops and a dread-locked dude gets out and starts hollering, "Toby!" over and over. Schmidt keeps saying, "Okay," but finally says, "I don't understand! Is that your name?" and the man says, "Yeah, Toby, bitch. Bitch." LOL
When they arrive back home, he announces that his frooffy Japan Bachelor trip is off, they will go to Vegas like real men! And they'll make it a road trip! Nick says he'll take care of everything! "What if I want a hug?" Schmidt asks. "Peel it open," says Nick, opening his arms. "You failed a test! Hugs are not tough. Bro fail," Schmidt says in disgust. Jess wonders if Schmidt perhaps is reacting to an incident of sorts? Noooo, he says. Yes, mouths Cece.
At the car rental, the other groomsmen, Big Schmidt, Robby and J. Cronkite Valley-Forge arrive to go with them.Winston gets a text from Jess saying that she's with Aly and her boyfriend. He wonders why she's telling him that. Also, it's a weird text, something about being on the squirts.
Nick and Schmidt lead the road trip with some weird tricycle motorcycle things, while the guys follow in a minivan. Schmidt manages to crash the extremely stable tricycle while trying to light a cigar even though it's impossible to fall off one,which he does. Nick talks him up saying he was thrown off a hog, they'll go grab a drink at that roadhouse over there,and he's a beast. Big Schmidt takes Winston's phone when he won't stay off of it, reading texts about Aly.
They enter the roadhouse and Schmidt goes to the jukebox to be all slick and he hits it without looking. Katy Perry's "Roar" starts playing and they all groan in dismay. Hahahaha. Schmidt unplugs it as fast as he can while Nick tells him to buy everyone a drink to make up for it. Big Schmidt has started hitting on a "dirty little rattlesnake," an older roadhouse type, but he has to chastise Winston for trying to steal his cell phone back first.
He orders five whiskeys and tells Winston he's drinking them all. "That's a lot for my frame," Winston says. Well, he's going to drink them, and he's going to like it. Winston finally agrees. He shouldn't be mooning over Aly, he should be getting drunk with his friends!
Schmidt orders a whiskey on ice, and the whole bar stops and looks at him. Now he's done it. Ice? Where are they from, hmmm? When he tells them LA, they accuse them of causing the drought and to get out of their desert. Schmidt says he'll fight them, they're concerned about the drought too. Nick says errrrr, but outside, not inside. And also, they gotta potty first.
In the bathroom Nick says they have to get out of there. Schmidt says he has to fight. He got yelled at and he couldn't handle it, but he has to do this because he has to take care of Cece. Nick says he'll stick with him if he has to do it.
They meet outside and there's a group of the desert roadhouse types including a little boy, called "Dirt Boy". Nick and Schmidt argue over who will take him. "Don't touch Dirt Boy. Dirt Boy touches you." What proceeds is a thing of beauty. Schmidt starts yelling his name, trying to be like Toby. Winston is drunk as heck inside the bar and hears the fight starting, so he heads out saying, "My babies! Ain't nobody gonna touch my babies!" HAHAHAHA
Then "Roar" starts playing and in slow-mo par excellence: Nick gets his face punched off, Dirt Boy pummels Schmidt, a woman bashes Winston over the head with a bottle, and then takes out Robby. I swear, this scene is EVERYTHING. We then see Big Schmidt and his Dirty Little Rattlesnake's legs in a bathroom stall, getting some action, Jackson. This, my friends, is why I watch New Girl.
In the aftermath,Winston says he was thinking about Aly the whole time. He has her barrette he loves her so much. He says her full name is Alison and they guys start singing Elvis Costello's, "Alison".
Schmidt and Nick tend their wounds and Schmidt wants to know know how he can take care of Cece. Nick tells him he will be perfect. He's taken care of him for so long; he cooks for him, he combs his hair so it won't get tangled, "You're a good husband to me." That's how he knows. Nick walks off in ironic disgust at himself and gags and heaves. Hahaha!
Winston gets a text saying that Aly is single! But he worries he's not right for her. Nick tells him that he's good enough, he's got a heart of gold! And then walks off and groans, calling himself a bitch. Haha. Big Schmidt stays with his Dirty Little Rattlesnake, while the guys head home to the tune of "Roar".
Best Lines of the Night:
Nick, asking Schmidt what band-aid he wants: "Doggies or trucks?" "I don't deserves trucks."
Big Schmidt, to his Dirty Little Rattlesnake: "You know, I'm willing to bet you've got a biiiig spider in your hair, and when I come back, I'm gonna find it."