Welcome to the second part of New Girl this week, "Return to Sender." Let's dive right in because Sexy Eyebrows himself is back. Yes, Peter Gallagher!
Jess is reviewing flashcards for Sam's birthday party to learn all about his friends. Nick walks in, saying he's borrowed Jess's towel after taking a French whore's bath, Jess and Cece says that's gross, the towel's nasty then! Plus, he couldn't earn a dime being a French whore, and he says he'd make so much money they don't even know. He throws the nasty towel at them.
Winston gives Sam a bird shirt for his birthday thinking wrongly that Sam is a bird shirt person because he complimented his one time. Schmidt tells Sam he has wedding "stuff" and won't be attending his birthday party. "Define stuff," says Nick. "Things," says Schmidt. "Thank you."
Sam gets a text and tells Jess that his dear old friend Diane is coming in from town. How close a friend are they, she wonders? When she and Cece see them greet at the party like long lost lovers she's like, oh no, that close.
Nick asks Schmidt why Gavin is in their kitchen and he says that they had an accidental butt-dial that went well, so they're doing a wine tasting for the wedding. Gavin invites Nick to join them, saying the pinot will be perfect for the wedding at the factory. Nick pshaws him saying if he was around more often, he'd know it was a slaughterhouse. Nick takes Schmidt aside and tells him he doesn't want him to be disappointed like he has been his whole life. *flashback to him being disappointed all through college life and Nick being there giving him milkshakes* He promises he won't be, he's just going to taste some wine and be adult about it all.
Cece tells Jess she needs to treat Sam like a dog and claim her territory; pee on him. Jess practically humps on him at the dinner table. She pops a grape after she sucks on his face looking at Diane and Diane saves her life by performing the Heimlich.
Jess invites Diane to the ladies room to apologize for her behavior and Diane tells her it's understandable for her to mark her man. Jess keeps apologizing, saying she can see why he likes her as a friend and of course they're just friends. Diane says, nope, I'm head over heels in love with him. Jess is all, say whaaaaa?
Winston brings Sam another hideous bird shirt after Cece tells him he hates the first one. Winston insists he wear it, and Sam says he will when he can change not in front of people. Winston backs away slowly with "I see you" eyes.
Jess listens to Diane tell her her story about Sam: She wrote him a letter about her feelings ten years ago. He never responded, and she was embarrassed, so she never said anything. But then, this past week, the letter came back returned to sender so he never even knew about it. Diane came this night to tell Sam, but she met... "WHO?" Jess asks, enthralled by her story, HAHAHAHA. "You," Diane reminds her. Diane gives Jess the letter and tells her she's the one for Sam.
Jess tells Cece about the letter and says the story was so romantic she can't stand it. They watch Sam and Diane interact while "Moon River" plays in the background. HA Jess says she won't lose Sam over some sweet saint of a woman. Cece tells her she won't ever be able to forgive herself if she doesn't give him that letter. Jess knows she's right. "But what if I lose him?" she asks. "Well then you'll at least know, babe. It's not your love story." Wise Cece.
Schmidt shows his dad and Nick a model of the wedding venue he's made. There's a spot that has some barrels of waste spilled out that are hopefully gone except for the puddle that never dries, but never fear, Gavin says, "With your mother there, that puddle will get drunk." Nick pulls out a bottle from under the floor and Schmidt asks him how much booze he has hidden around and then he falls over smelling the stuff. Gavin asks him to go out to dinner, and Schmidt is all excited. But Nick reminds him he promised he wouldn't get sucked in.
Even though they bonded over drinks, Nick goes after Gavin in the hall and gives him a talking to. It's really, really sweet actually. He tells him if he shows up for dinner, he better show up for the next day and the next and forever. Do it when it's fun and when it's not fun, he tells him. He should know, he's been doing it for the last 15 years. "Be better!" "Be his dad!"
Jess tells Sam she has a surprise for him and that whatever happens, she wants him to be happy. She goes up to a Diane's hotel room and hands her the letter and tells her to tell Sam, she deserves it. Diane says she's either "...really cool or really cocky."
Gavin doesn't show at the dinner and Schmidt tells Nick he was right. Nick hands him a milkshake and says it was his fault because he got real with him at the apartment. Schmidt says no, he was taking care of him, and he starts to tear up and Nick grunts to not tear up, and then they have a manly exchange,"Beef" "Sexy ladies." "Boobs" Big boobs," and they start to leave. Gavin runs up and apologizes for being late!
He's been at the venue trying to get the security deposit back. He had to clean it up before the guy would give it to him and he's kind of OCD. Yeah, me too, Schmidt says. It runs in the family, Gavin tells him. His grandfather couldn't keep a job because he'd touch all the lamp posts in the road, well, that is until he got a job fixing lamp posts. HaHa. So, why didn't he call him, then? Well, he got assaulted by some kids that do urban dancing there and they stole all his things. He tells Schmidt he's sucked as a parent all his life and he wants to go all in now. He wants him to get married at his vineyard, not that crappy slaughterhouse, if he wants to that is, and Cece has already okay'd it as well. Schmidt is thrilled and accepts.
Jess is waiting to see what happens with Sam, she's left him with Diane at her hotel, and for all she knows they're tearing up the bed there. She leaves the living room to go watch dogs waiting for people who died to come back home on the web. Sam knocks on the door and Winston kisses him on the cheek and says,"Sam, I forgive you," speaking of the bird shirts, because he's come to the conclusion that one is either a person that wears a bird shirt or one is not. HAHA
Sam tells Jess she did the most selfless thing that anyone ever did for him. He says that the time for him and Diane has long gone and she's confirmed how much he belongs with her. They get all lovey dovey and have a "That's what she said" back and forth, but I just, ehhh. I don't care two whits about these two together. Just me? Next week, The Wedding! Finally!
Nick saying his words wrong and Schmidt correcting him: "He just shows up out of the boo." "It's blue." "Thanks Eyestein."
Schmidt, to Nick and his dad laughing about their booze jokes: "Look at the two of you, bonding over the thing that numbs you."
Nick, to Schmidt when he was speaking of Jess kissing his dad: "If you're gonna barf, just barf. It's not healthy to hold it in."