Welcome back to New Girl with Megan Fox subbing in as Reagan. This week, Nick tells the roommates he can't act normal around her because she's so hot and he's such a mess. He hasn't even peed for four days, and he's been drinking more than usual!
Winston is dismayed that Reagan doesn't hang out with them, and says he's going to figure out a way to make it happen,"This woman just made my non-sexual to-do list." Cece asks "You have a sexual to-do list?" To which he replies "Number one: Joan Allen."
Nick walks in on Schmidt and Cece getting ready to get it on, carrying a burrito. He wants to eat it in their room so that Reagan won't see how sloppy he is while he eats. Then eat in your own room, Schmidt says. She'll hear me crunching!
Winston follows Reagan on her run, and a girlfriend, Camilla, she sort of sees, comes across them. She thought she wasn't in town and Camilla says she'll call her. Reagan tells Winston, great, now she has to break up with her which she's never done before. She travels so much she just never shows back up with her hookups. He tells her he'll help her and she asks why, because he's been dumped so much? He says, whoa, how'd you know that, and she says she read them all when she moved in.
Schmidt and Cece try to figure out a way to keep Nick out of their room so they can resume their sex life. Cece says Nick thinks Reagan is some perfect Goddess and Schmidt tells her he understands because when he first met Cece he had to make up stuff for her so he wouldn't freak out, "I gave you a glass eye for a while. You had a wooden foot for a short period of time. There was this one week where I pretended you were a democrat." "I am a democrat," she says. "So funny. I love you." He laughs her off like she's joking. That is hilarious! They decide to tell Nick that Reagan wears a wig so that he'll think she isn't so perfect anymore, hoping to break the spell. They tell him and he doesn't believe it until he grabs a piece of her hair and sniffs it. Not creepy at all!
Winston tells Reagan that he's been dumped in parks, on Santa's lap, on Iron Chef, on planes in all kinds of economy, covered in butterflies... She tells him he's qualified alright. He has her pretend he's Camilla so that she can practice breaking up, but it doesn't work because he's too over the top with his acting. She asks him to break up with Camilla for her and he agrees only after she promises to do a 20 minute roommate dinner.
Nick walks in on Cece and Shmidt again, this time with a plastic cap full of nachos. He rambles on about Reagan and why she would wear a wig until Cece inadvertently gives him the idea to spy on her room. He finds Canadian cash, an Ohio State shirt, and a picture of a little boy. They tell him to stop and get out of there, they just made it up. Cece then finds two fake ID's and Nick decides she runs around with her "bastard son who she had with the Ohio State Professor" selling drugs or pills or whatever she does, "to a bunch of maple sucking tree huggers AKA, Those lovely stoners from the north; our Canadian brothers and sisters." (Shout out you know who you are!) He holds up the Canadian cash, pleased with himself. Cece is with him and Schmidt tells her "You have gone full Nick, Cece!" Reagan, of course, walks in.
The fake I.D.'s are for getting into her hospitals because they hate pharmaceutical reps. The cash is because she travels a lot and the picture of the boy that looks just like her IS her. Cece says, "I went full Nick. I see that now." Regan asks why they would assume she's a criminal and they want to know why she won't reveal anything about herself. She just wants to stay emotionally detached.
Meanwhile, Winston and Camilla bond over their mutual dumped status and decide to go find Reagan to confront her, which he immediately regrets when he remembers she's his roommate. They walk in and Reagan tries to pretend like she never tried to dump her. Then, she tells her she's a criminal and the roomies all back her up, claiming they're all a Japanese criminal crime family. Reagan finally tells the truth and says she just doesn't open up and Camilla deserves more. She thanks her and asks if she can get her sweater from her room. Winston starts going, "oh no no no. Wait for it." And then we hear Camilla start to tear the room APART and a loud "BITCH!" Winston knows from experience, and she might be there for awhile.
Nick once again interrupts Cece and Schmidt, and they ask him what now. He says it's not Reagan, he's just used to eating in there. Reagan walks in and says, "This is where we eat, right?" So it turns out she eats exactly like Nick. Winston walks in and spills his plate all over the bed.
Best Lines of the Night:
Reagan to Winston on her spot on take of the roomies: "Nick's deal is: he honest to God might be 50. Schmidt's deal is: he had to shazam "Stairway to heaven", and: you've been dumped a lot."
Nick's reply when Cece says she went "Full Nick": "I'm full Nick all day. Imagine how that feels?
Camilla and Winston on how she knew he's been dumped a lot: "You ordered a Shirley Temple." "It's a virgin Denzel."