Welcome back to Litchfield where the plot continues to thicken (needs stirring) and we STILL HAVEN'T SEEN SOPHIA! Whut?? Rolling Orange is the New Black S4:E3 after the break!
We’re with Taystee, Morello and Suzanne mopping floors, contemplating the Sisyphean nature of their task, which Morello may or may not have confused with James Franco who she may or may not have heard is light in the loafers.
An announcement comes over the loudspeaker, Tasha Jefferson is to come to the Warden’s office and WHUT? Taystee’s name is Tasha? Is Caputo the Warden now?
Ahh, Caputo IS the Warden and Taystee is there to be his assistant, inmate labour is free labour! She’s seen Shawshank Redemption (book was MUCH better), she’s not going to SEG cuz she did his taxes too good! But no, it’s legit, she’s off Janitorial and she thought the same thing I did! She got it because she won Job Fair, woot!
Lolly’s pissed that Judy King is getting special treatment; Alex just wants her to calm down. In the history of people existing, has saying “RELAX” ever actually made anyone relax? Ever? It just cranks me up from angry to spitty, ain’t nobody wanna be downstream telling me to “relax.”
Lolly’s freaking out about the whole murder and dismemberment thing. I forget these guys aren’t even in Max, so it’s waaaay out in the sunflower field for them. Alex tells her to calm down AGAIN, and gives her a mantra to repeat when she gets squirrely; he was a bad man, we did what we had to do, we did it well and now it’s over. Or something like that, Lolly doesn’t quiiiite get it either
Healy’s taking Judy through the garden patch while Turtle and the Potato With Eyes giggle and fangirl in the corner. HEY! That’s Red’s patch, get the eff OOT!! Hahahaha, just as I said that, Healy offers Judy some corn and there’s Red. It’s all very Chicken Little up in there. There’s a standoff between Red and the red-haired Judy; very different women but it would be a mistake to think Judy’s any less tough than Red. They grow them with steel in the South. So now that Judy’s picked that ear, what WILL she do with it? Other than shove it up Red’s arse, our Galina isn’t “into assplay”.
Piper’s posturing in the yard, but her new muscle Hapakuka is messing with her gangsta cred; sitting, begging for seeds. Anita and Yoga approach, they don’t wanna be in the smelly ginch racket any more, they can smell the beginning of the end, what with a “heavy” on the payroll. Heeeeyyy! We see what you did there!
I swear, Hapakuka is my new fave Litch, she mocks Piper for saying her panties need to be returned “post-haste” (which I am a total hypocrite about, because I’d love to work that into a sentence) but when braced as to if she wants to say something says she’ll wait until she’s among friends. I laughed for far too long about that.
Poussey and Brook are on the basketball court being taunted by Big Boo (who looks drawn, has she lost weight? Must worry for no reason), they bring up Poussey’s size again. I have never thought of Poussey as little at ALL, it’s come up twice in two out of three episodes so I am confused. Also, her and Brook have ZERO chemistry, like: NONE. They’re holding hands, and they’ve eye-cuddled, but not even one on-screen kiss, come on! That’s not a relationship! Side note: Brook talks almost as much as I do.
Judy King walks by and Poussey makes a fool of herself and I absolutely HATE the way she’s been written the last two seasons! So slapstick and she had such presence the first two years. Brook reminds her; she should feel like she can talk to anyone! SoSo backstory time!
Brook’s always talked a lot; workshopping protesting against Wal-Mart back when people used to do that. It veers into asking her to take her top off, which leads to discussion about their leader liking little boys or maybe Asian girls and anyway, this is Brook’s ex-boyfriend giving her a hard time and it ends in a bet. If Brook gets more signatures on her petition, she gets $50 and a date with (I’m pretty sure gay) Orin, who she’s pretty sure is into strawberry lube. (And dudes)
Taystee is just saying, if Caputo got her a watch, she could be on time and tell him the time too! He’ll take it under advisement, asking her to take notes while he gets the rundown from Piscatella about the renovations on the cottages in the woods. Piscatella makes a weird run at Taystee, hella aggressive but she rolls it off, to be mollified by Caputo who makes a bunch of timepiece references over Desi’s shoulder. Oddly angry vibe then, not sure what’s going on there.
After she scoots, Desi asks Caputo why he chose HER (odd emphasis) to be his assistant, SideBoob says Taystee’s the only “semi-intelligent one that I’m only semi-attracted to.”
Taystee’s making notes and people nervous all over the place! Murphy’s just happy she managed to slide an “exorbitant” into the convo. Two snaps, Murphy. And leave the internet porn cords alone, they’re for the guards. It’s for the greater good.
Pennsatucky’s trying to entice Luschek to stay in the guard housing and we get another peak into being raised ‘Tucky Style; free x-rays from the doctor doing her mama. In between the Mountain Dew and the extry x-rays, are we really surprised about how Tiffany turnt oot? 5 more points for Murphy and “grotesque”!
Morello’s trying to get freaky on the phone with her new husband, but Vinnie (John Magaro) is too busy getting yelled at by his “roomie”, but I’m pretty sure his roommates are his parents…. hahaha and they are! Oh man. Is he LEGAL?
While waiting for the porta-potty in the yard, Alex and Red are staring at Judy picking veggies, one because she asked Judy NICELY not to do that and the other because she’s worried the Other Red will pull up dead body pieces. What’s Red gonna dooo??
Sycophants Turtle and Angie are hanging around Judy like flies when SoSo wanders over; “Judy King!” Other Red shoots back “Guilty as charged! On all counts” and I legit laughed out loud. Brook didn’t get it. She wants to talk about Poussey, or “the ret*rded one” (sorry not sorry, I once had a great friend that would foam at the mouth at the use of the R word and I don’t feel comfortable even thinking it. That’s right, he’s in my BRAIN!!) and then there’s this master speech about political correctness that neatly combined Martha Stewart with Paula Deen: bravo OITNB. Slow claps all around, Other Red NEVER forgets to not use the “N” word.
What the hell?? Brook blames Poussey not being able to talk in front of Judy on her being “trapped in a cycle of institutionalized racism” and not fame-struck and she ALSO says she thinks Poussey’s mom was a crackhead? Now. We saw Poussey’s mom read her bedtime stories and Poussey travel everywhere with her dad in the military, so wtf, Brook?? Do you even KNOW Poussey??
Anyway, sorry, sorry, the point is Judy is going to have lunch with Poussey, “the one percent meeting the other one percent” which I refuse to hashtag because Brook is a moron.
Back to Brook’s back story! Her group sent her to the house of the registered sex offender, but she pushes through nervously and ends up in the (presumed pedophile)’s house. But no, he’s one of the ones caught in that swell of charging everyone. He was having sex on the beach with a 19-year-old and screw it, he’ll sign the petition. Wal-Mart’s not gonna lose anyway. Good job Brook!
The phone rings in Caputo’s office, confusing and alarming Taystee. She answers nicely, then swears, drops the hold and doesn’t get a name before hanging up. So, about right. A woman called earlier, though, about a get together, was it Linda? We don’t know. Probably not Natalie, though. Awww, HAHAHAHA Taystee asks if he’s someone’s Ca-baby-puto?? She manages to get a call through to Linda, who DIDN’T call, but wants to celebrate! Tonight? Sure! Y’all remember his lousy luck with thinking he’s going on a date, right?
Side note: Taystee’s skin has to be mentioned; she’s gone the full Duggar! Pro-activ needed, STAT!
Healy’s waiting for the bathroom too! Red’s at him for giving Judy access to her garden, he compares it to planting a flag on the moon but I’d say it’s a lot more like PLANTING A FULL GARDEN AND HAVING SOME RICH ARSEHOLE COME STEAL FROM IT CUZ SHE’S RICH myself. Ahhh, he’s punishing her for not giving him the green light. I always liked those two together, but she’s right, she can’t be in a consensual relationship with a guard. He doesn’t like her saying it out loud and everything like that, pushing back as Judy herself wanders out of the guard bathroom, with a MAGAZINE, even! Red is incensed.
Maria’s brought three new inmates to join Piper’s panty party: Pidge (Miriam Morales), Ouija (Rosal Colon) and Zirconia (Daniella de Jesus) who is missing her grill. Piper is furious that Maria’s gone yapping about Felonious Spunk. She IS the prison panty business and watching her flex on Maria, who grew up with gang roots in gang territory and had a baby with a gangbanger, is HILARIOUS. Maria thinks so too!
The girls are giving Taystee the gears over her new job. Suzanne has the most interesting question of course and I also want to know... does Taystee have a skeleton key made out of actual bones that opens the door to a world of talking animals?? But no, she has a clipboard and a personal relationship with Caputo. She’s the Hand of the Warden and Winter is Coming, Litches!
Judy’s motioning Poussey over at lunch; Brook set her up on a blind friend date! Ohh and I was right about Brook, she knew nothing about Poussey, either she assumed or she just wanted to soften up Judy King for Poussey. Either way, Poussey’s mom was NOT a crackwhore and she was not a poverty stricken poor kid either. Damn I hate to see that look on Poussey’s face.
Brook’s back story continues. She lied to her boyfriend and pretty-sure-gay-guy about the sex offender dude, giving a very specific story about his stalking of a nine year old girl, oh Brook.
Linda and Caputo are actually having a real date! What a surprise! I was sure he was messing that up. They’re at a restaurant celebrating the win of new guards and “Us Us” when we see former guard Donaldson (Brendan Burke) singing happy birthday as a server. We alllll sink down in our seats, especially Cababyputo. Oh it gets worse, Joe thinks Donaldson is a busboy, but I bet Donaldson bought the place.
Linda pumps up Caputo’s ego. No, he did what he had to do, and it was him or them. They walked out on the biggest transfer the prison had ever had and he was right to fire them. Bolstered, he sends over $20 to Donaldson, who catches him outside. Ohh, I was wrong, Donaldson is a busboy after all and he throws Caputo’s money back at him. This is the best of his three jobs and O’Neill’s job is so bad that he couldn’t get health insurance and get his kidney stones get taken care of, so he’s on dialysis. Caputo takes the blows but rallies. Donaldson and those guards walked out on the biggest day of the year for the prison, putting everyone at risk and he was even going to make Donaldson captain of the guards; keep the money, he dodged a bullet.
Ohhhhhhhhhh you know we ALL felt that burn.
Caputo TOLD them to walk out when he was their unionization rep! That’s why they did it! Other than that, he’s not wrong.
The new guards are at the cottages in the woods; Desi is doing an icebreaker to welcome them all. They look hella young for veterans? Ah jeez, I forget about the wars in between. He calls over CO McCullough (Emily Tarver) to give him two true things about herself and one lie: he’ll guess! That sounds scary
Brook is trying to apologize but Poussey isn’t buying, as much as she’s been selling the story of the rich white hippie in her bed, she can’t believe SoSo doesn’t know her at ALL. Brook makes it worse by explaining that she watches The Wire a lot. I mean.
Morello and Vinnie are having pretend supper now that he’s explained that he’s just staying with his parents for “financial reasons” for the both of them. And now they’re having phone sex, in person, in the visiting room, next to other people who can hear them. HAHAHAHAHA
It’s making Gloria uncomfortable as she’s brainstorming with her son as to how to get Sophia out, hey, HOW ARE WE ON THE THIRD EPISODE OF SEASON 4 AND NO SOPHIA YET????
There are kids in the visiting room! Listening to Morello and Vinnie dirty talk and Gerber has NO clue what to do as the newlyweds orgasm without touching, but he likes it!
Piper’s meeting with Flaca and Ramos, she’s giving them Ovaltine (Hapakuka is a BIG fan) as morale boosters, not there to bust their chops about controlling their flow. Oh and two of Maria’s thugs are following Piper, but Hapakuka didn’t mention it until then. I don’t like Piper all that much, but I don’t want to see her beat up, either.
BEWBS! I love locker room shots! When else do you get to see bewbs that aren’t exactly the same and cookie cutter? Alex and Piper chat a bit in front of the mirrors while Hapakuka’s pees, I saw a belly too! Yay! Alex doesn’t want to talk about what’s bothering her and neither does Piper, but she’d like to know what a “paper asshole” is, cause that’s what Maria called her earlier. Alex doesn’t know either, but tells her not to worry. Maybe full of shit and about to break? Sounds all paper-cuttery to me, but I may have gone too literal.
Red slipped some laxative to Other Red at lunch, what can she say? She does “a lot with a little.”
Brook’s standing out in the hallway with a radio over her head, awww, she thinks she’s recreating “Say Anything” but she’s doing it with rap music? She says she talks too much (er-ooh) and will Say Anything she can to get people to like her and awww, Brook promises she’ll listen and they can actually get to know each other. And that was the only radio station that comes through clearly. “Jackson, North Carolina” (** someone corrected this on Facebook, sorry about that! I had Jacksonville and that was wrong) responds Poussey, which is where her grandmother was from and then they go talk.
Tova and Watson are gabbing in the yard, the loud sound of radio feedback stops them and everyone else in their tracks, oh but no: it’s a DRONE. Whut? This is freaking out old-conspiracy-theorist Lolly especially, who’s trying to remember her mantra and failing.
Piper sees Ouija sneaking panty rejects in the sewing room; do we have a rival panty business starting? Our head panty gansta (pangsta?) looks scurred, not mad.
Alex is asking after Lolly, who’s run into the garden with a shovel, she’s LOSING it, the drones make her think They know and OctopusNeck comes up as Alex is trying to calm Lolly down. Would it make her feel better to think OctopusNeck moved it? Cause then she did. Lolly goes off muttering while Alex confirms: OctopusNeck did NOT move the body and she has no plan to, so they’re gonna have to kill Lolly. Holy shite, when did OctopusNeck turn into the Godfather over here?
Until next time Litches!