Orange is the New Black S4:E9 Turn Table Turn Recap

Hola amigas! Welcome back to Orange is the New Black after a wee hiatus; let's see what's happening with our Litchfield ladies as I creep ever so slowly through season 4.

The picture of Judy King (Blair Brown) and Cindy (Adrienne C Moore) is everywhere, Cindy's not digging the looks she's getting from the other inmates but the rest of the ladies are just focusing on the money, honey. Suzanne (Uzo Aduba) - remember when she was Crazy Eyes?? That seems suuuper long ago. Anyway, she's gonna rent a bounce house in the shape of a frog and Poussey (Samira Wiley) is taking her "girl" Brook (Kimiko Glenn), why not buy some chemistry while you're at it? They're sure trying, but noootttthhing. Taystee (Danielle Brooks) is gonna follow D'Angelo around and I'm with her!

Watson is gonna buy rims.....hahahahaha jk!

Cindy's not just worried about selling out to the new "post-racial" Judy, she knows Caputo will be gunning for blood once that picture went everywhere. Like Blanca's vagina pic that went all over the place in season one! I can still see her vagina; is that wrong?

Desi Piscatella (Brad William Henke) has bad news for all the guards: it's phone sweep o'clock! Get to it, Donuts (James McNemamin - as a Canadian, it pains me to spell doughnuts that way), Gerber (Alan Aisenberg) and Luschek (Matt Peters)! Even though it might actually be hard and they might have to actually check in shit, and maybe even shit in shit, get at it, Luschek, you're in charge.

The SHU is full, too, so they won't be able to just send people there as they like, they'll need to think outside the box, even

I really REALLY don't like the sound of that.

Maria (Jessica Pimmentel) is running the show from the yard; extra TV time here, a little organization in the cafeteria there: they need to be settling things in advance, not muscling in on everyone visibly so the guards take note. Of course, the guards are already taking every chance they can to take a handful already, something Blanca (Laura Gomes) (and her vagina) would like Maria to deal with. It's f*cking degrading! But so is being in prison, Maria claps back and true enough. Now go wash, Blanca, you gross!

We see Blanca in the shower, she is so pretty without that HAIR! But no! This is backstory and now we find out how that HAIR happened. Blanca was a personal aide (assistant? She warmed food - but on the stove, not microwave) for a rich old white lady who doesn't want to go to a nursing home. I'm probably in the minority, but a nursing home sounds like a dream: all those Bridge partners just hanging around and all the cuppas I can manage? Sign me up!

Not so for Millie (Mary Louise Wilson), who plans to stay in her own home with Blanca as long as possible. She calls Blanca "Bianca" which sent me scurrying to IMDb, but it turns out that was because she's a jerk who doesn't care what people's actual names are. A noise from outside distracts, it's Dario (Miguel Izaguirre) blowing leaves. I forget how beautiful Blanca's cheekbones are with that HAIR, but now, with it up from her bring interrupted in the shower, they're glorious. They share a glance

Alex (Laura Prepon) canea eat this FOOD, but Morello (Yael Stone) doesn't mind it so much, she grew up with a mother with only three teeth. Piper (Taylor Schilling) is dreaming of a Shake Shack burger, ooooh. I've HAD a Shake Shack burger! It was awesome! Alex would like a side of Cate Blanchett, but only for head massaging, she looks like she has cool fingers. Alex looks like all bones, sharply etched cheekbones too.

Morello (Yael Stone) prods Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), why is she being a downer? Well, that's the thing about drugs and alcohol, Morello, they're only fun when you're on the way up. Then it's a slow bumpy ride to GrouchVille, population: You. Nicky barks at her a bunch, how has nobody noticed she's using again? Maybe after this part

Red (Kate Mulgrew) asks: everything okay? Morello rats Nicky out, but Red's not doing anything. These women are all adults, yes? And maybe Red's tired of pretend-parenting adults that make their own decisions. I sure AF would be.

Sister Jane (Beth Ingalls) is all up in Donuts' grill, what's up with that?? Why is she publicly taunting a guard? She gets away with it and looks confused.

Morello works off a little post-Nicky rage and confronts drug-providing Shower-Pooper Angie (Julie Lake); if she's gonna shit in the shower, at least plan ahead, yo. Because other people have senses of smell and gag reflexes and oh:

*Angie touches her bum*

Flaca (Jackie Cruz) and Maritza (Diane Guerrero) are having a hilarious conversation about judgement calls, running scenarios that all start with: Gun to Your Head:(run over an old lady or run into a wall? How's the old lady's health?) while CO Humphrey (Michael Torpey) hovers and listens. He has something on Maritza and he intends to find out what's going on.

Anita (Lin Tucci) is talking CO Black (Nick Dillenberg) into a body search; don't let her classic features fool him, she's 100% Hispanic. By way of Little Italy. Take your time, CO Blake! And THAT is how Blanca gets out of strip searches, woot! That's why she's so stinky!

I'd like to admire OITNB's approach to the clear violation of human rights and racial profiling in prison, Blanca's little smile telling us it's all on purpose smacks of slapstick, as so many of their Special Moments do.

Back in the past, Blanca had started using Dario (call me Diablo!) to help with Millie; which just pissed Millie off because they spoke in Spanish around her. I have neighbours (totally racist neighbours) that are also offended when people start speaking another language in their presence, I always ask them how many languages they know? Just the one? And barely that? Then STFU and stop trying to eavesdrop on other people talking to each other, arseholes.

I'm so glad Blanca got some love, even if only for a moment from someone with a neck tattoo named Diablo.

Cindy and Judy are in with Caputo (Nick Sandow), who has done his very best for Judy with limited resources...I don't know what else he was saying because I was distracted by Taystee's super obvious eavesdropping. I won't shout about more storylines for my favourites, I know there are a lot of stories to be told, I'm just saying. Hey Taystee, hey!

The upshot is: Caputo wants evidence that this is not a May-December (June / October?) relationship of convenience, he will come down on them like a tonne of bricks if he finds out they aren't seeing each other after.

I mean

WHAT?

And do what, exactly?? What can a prison warden do AFTER people are released? Or while they're in prison and not seeing each other any more? I thought they were supposed to NOT date each other in prison?

I mean

I get that it's a plot device, but please, if you're going to dip my giblets, please make sure you throw in some cherry chapstick to cover the smell.

Caputo and I are on the same page about something at least

I can't figure out Maritza's gameplan, instead of trying to get rid of CO Dixon (Mike Houston), she encourages him to save his clarity for beer pong and points out that the gardener Alonso (Pedro Morillo Jr.) has really nice shirts and hangs around a lot.

CO Blake runs Alonso down and Dixon kicks him off site, Maria is NOT going to like that, Maritza, what are you thinking??

We get a little insight into the KKK mindset in Litchfield, NeckTattoo Brandy (Asia Kate Dillon) totally understands why Jennifer (Olivia Luccardi) doesn't want to learn to read. There might be ideas in there! That's how they get you, with words that mean stuff and there might even be an experience that's legit that isn't exactly like hers and yeah: chaos.

Piper is still thinking about Nicky, maybe they shouldn't have done crack with her. Well, yeah, there is that...but Alex is on the same page as me. You can support an addict in whatever way you like, I just don't recommend getting too emotionally invested. They're other people with their own plans and they probably don't look a lot like your plans for them.

They pull Gerber aside, they want two burgers! Sure! He'll need that handie from before though, fanks, awwww, he's like a completely other person now! All winks and no more innocence, except for when he thought Piscatells wanted them to go watch The Bachelorette back at the pad because a phone sweep would be super hard.

Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) has been thinking, it was super sweet when Donuts apologized for VIOLENTLY RAPING HER. Me and Big Boo (Lea DeLaria)

It's just like, uncomfortable, you know? Tucky doesn't like walking around feeling like shit all the time, and he's walking around like that too, what if he's just a nice guy that made a mistake?

Again: I'm not the most objective person to comment about sexual assault in general, but I'm going to say that as both of the disturbing scenes were written, Donuts has some serious control issues under that soft surface. I'm sure most people like a little role-playing here and there involving perhaps a lost chequebook, but making another human crawl through mud and shite to fetch food does not seem to fall within that harmless spectrum, Especially as this was not an agreed-upon in advance scenario; she was not having a good time. And that was before the rape. So. I don't think he's a nice guy who made a mistake, I think he's someone who should be in therapy and definitely jail.

Big Boo and I are DONE.

Ahhhhh I've finally figured out what Sister Jane's up to; she wants to be sent to the SHU! Probably to check on Sophia (Laverne Cox), but they're not sending anyone right now, whether or not she's smoking in the wrong place and backtalking guards or not.

Morello, who asked her sister to check up on Vinnie and make him part of the family (and find out about his ovenmitt usage), is PISSSSEDDD her sister met up with Vinnie and invited him to the family tailgate party!

Blanca lets the other ladies in on her secret of not getting frisked by the guards; they don't have to be dirty, they just have to smell bad.

Back in the past, Millie is an JERK, right? She fired Diablo because he was distracting Blanca; she doesn't even see them as people. Just chess pieces to move around for her convenience. Diablo needed that job, and Blanca's entire life can't just revolve around helping Millie pee.

Maria knew right away what happened in the woods with Alonso, but while she presses Maritza, she doesn't really do anything. She's going to have to be stronger if she wants to maintain control.

Alex and Piper and haggling over who's doing the handie; I am like Piper, I just always had the sex, no handjob expertise here either! Alex pushes back; then why suggest it in the first place? "Because society has conditioned me to see female sexuality as currency" and now it's time to spend a little! For a burger. They're finally together-seeming again, it was just a matter of time though.

CO Stratman has figured out the smell-scam the Latinas are running, can he really threaten them with something? They're already in jail. AND they can't send anyone to the SHU. I feel as though I should feel bad for Brook Soso, who was forced to shower because of rancid BO in one of the earlier seasons; but the fact that these women's civil rights are being violated continually means I do not.

Watson (Vicky Jeudy) and Cindy are in Judy's bunk having a cuppa before Lights Out, Yoga Jones (Constance Shulman) runs them out and then suggests that maybe Judy should be worried about them taking her nice stuff. How can YOGA not know these women? She's been in prison with them much longer than Judy and that's bullshit. Can you see Cindy or Watson grabbing something? So then Judy gets to do a speech about racism and seriously, OITNB, rehab Paula Deen's reputation on your own time, okay?

Aleida (Elizabeth Rodriguez) is having a hard time getting ready to leave prison, after blowing off Daya (Dascha Polanco) earlier she blew all her commissary money buying a fan for Gloria (Selenis Leyva). She's worried about being on the outside, but Gloria knows she'll be fine. After all the cockroaches are dead, she'll still be there, saying mean shit. Aleida wants Gloria to look after Daya, keep an eye on her, make sure this place doesn't change her. Gloria has it.

Red finds Nicky strung out in the shower, instead of yelling and kicking her out of the family and talking about how disappointed she is, Red cries. She let Nicky down. She should have known Nicky was in trouble, "you look like you're dead already!" What can she do?

Brava for going with guilt instead of the hammer, sometimes moms also have to get creative.

Blanca isn't giving up that easily, she spreads oyster juice behind her ears and we hear her spreading something else entirely in the past. Wow. Millie awakens to see Blanca and Diablo banging ferally on her tasteful chaise lounge; Blanca looks ALIVE for the first time!

Tucky has made her choice, walking by Big Boo to sit at KKK Central with Leanne (Emma Myles) and Angie who is telling a story about a maker of blue meth (Jennifer wouldn't take it - blue meth just seems unnatural) that I THINK is Breaking Bad but I can't really tell. They poke Tucky then glare at Judy and Cindy, hmmm.

Ah ha, I was right! Sister Jane has been trying to get to the SHU to prove Sophia is in there! That's why Crystal's case is stuck, they need evidence and Sister Jane thought she might find something in the shared shower facility. Couldn't Nicky give evidence? She saw Sophia down there. Sister Jane has a camera phone somewhere uncomfortable and now she just needs to get down there. Gloria pushes her to do something big and that's a right hook across the jaw for you, Gloria! Victory! Sister Jane is off to the SHU!

Luschek brings his phone sweep findings to Piscatella, there are a LOT of phones in prison! I wanna know where all the charge cords are! Piscatella takes a moment to make Luschek feel bad about himself.

CO Stratman gets one whiff of Blanca and has HAD it. He puts her in timeout, standing on a table and thinking about all her wrong choices that let her here, what exactly the FUCK is that supposed to do?? This must be the Freestyling. Will she be making a card explaining what she did and what she should have done instead?

We're back at the scene of some of Blanca's other decisions that will need storyboarding, things have certainly switched around in Millie's home. The morning after Blanca and Diablo put on a show, Millie is frightened and cowed and it is Blanca who is very much in charge.

Wow. I completely missed how dangerous CO Humphrey is and how terrified Maritza is of him. He was listening when she and Flaca were playing Gun To Your Head, and he's got 10 dead flies or one baby mouse for her to to choose from while putting his gun to her head in the crew house.

For the record, she chose to eat a live baby mouse before which didn't SEEM horrible because I wasn't paying a lot of attention, but that was before I could see the poor wee thing try to crawl out of a glass. Flies, Maritza!!!! Go for the dead flies! But he's not going to shoot you, how would he explain that? Free the adorable vermin and make a run for it!

Instead of Shake Shack burgers, Alex and Piper went for the "off-brand SPAM sandwich of righteousness," don't they still owe him a handie, though? From before?

Nicky pledges to get clean as Sister Jane is brought to the SHU, she's terrified and we're out to Blanca waiting on the cafeteria table as COs Dixon and Stratmore discuss: he may have made a mistake there. Ya think?