Orphan Black S1:E9 Unconscious Selection Recap

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Hi everyone, welcome back to normalcy! This is the first day of 2017 that everyone has gone to school or work when they're scheduled to, woot! Let's roll Orphan Black S1:E9 Unconscious Selection to celebrate!

We open in the ambulance with Kira (Skyler Wexler) being transported to the hospital after being hit by a car. Helena (Tatiana Maslany, the albino version, with homicidal tendencies) had snatched her while Sarah Manning (Tatiana Maslany, the "punk rock ho" version) and Alison Hendrix (Tatiana Maslany, the suburban housewife version) were explaining everything to Mrs. S (Maria Doyle Kennedy - I just saw her in Sing Street!).

Everyone's at the hospital waiting to see how Kira does, Felix (Jordan Gavaris) gently asks now-sober Alison to skidooch on home. She CAN'T go home though, what with having assaulted her probable monitor and sleeping with said monitor's husband (Eric Johnson!! Of Edmonton and The Knick!), Felix hooks her up with keys to his place. Is it wrong that I immediately wondered if she was gonna have sex with Sarah's ex-boyfriend Vic (Michael Mando)? Sarah must have seen SOMETHING in him and Alison's on a bit of a rampage.

One of the nurses spots something odd on the ultrasound screen, what does this look like to you? Is that her brain?

The doctor gives Sarah, Siobhan and Fe the good news: Kira's going to be okay. But. What was weird on the scan? That she was okay?

Helena can't sleep, can't sleep, rocking and almost thumb-sucking, "Sarah is a mother" she tells the creepy priest supervising her. Tomas (Daniel Kash) dismisses that as rubbish, it's not possible. Helena can't forgive herself

Sarah knows something was wrong at the hospital, she can feel it in her bones that something unusual happened. She saw how hard Kira was hit, and how hard she hit the ground after, like a sack of potatoes. You don't walk away from that with a bandaid.

Mrs. S reminds her to count her blessings, then on to her worries, which brings Sarah back to her next move; taking care of Helena.

Angie (Inga Cardranel) wants to bring Beth (Tatiana Maslany with brushed hair; but they really mean Sarah, who they think is Beth because Sarah took over her life after she saw her jump in front of a train. Everyone up to speed? Yay!); they've got three sets of matching fingerprints, lookalikes everywhere and "a smooth little rentboy connecting them both" which is a gorgeous sentence all in it's own. Felix hooks? I thought he was just collecting "gifts" for his art!

Art argues that they have nothing they could charge Beth with and their raised voices brings over Lieutenant Gavin (Ron Lea), who offers to bring in a fresh set of eyes for them. No noooo nope, but now the clock is ticking, they only have until the end of the day. Art just doesn't want to push his ex-partner under the bus, Angie asks what Beth has on him? I'm indignant in the background: YEAH, ANGIE, she saved his LIFE!" but maybe he and Beth? Hard to say. And why did Beth kill herself anyway? That's been bugging me, we still don't know. She wasn't sick like Katja (Tatiana Maslany with a German accent) or Helena, so why the last jump?

Dr. Leekie (Matt Frewer) didn't buy what poor Kevin / Olivier was selling about Paul (Dylan Bruce) and there only being one clone at Neolution with Helena, he's been searching for his "white whale" Helena for years! But Helena wouldn't have been able to fake her way into Paul's bed, perhaps Sarah Manning did? *Paul gulps* That's right: Dr. Leekie knows from Sarah.

I've said it before and now, now we see exactly how much I am Alison out of all the clones. I'd like to THINK I'd be awesome Cosima (Tatiana Maslany as a dreadlocked science geek) but now, I'd be Alison, who is cleaning Felix's apartment because she's been left alone in a dirty space. We're twinsies.

That cleaning montage was very soothing.

Not so for Felix, who wants to know that the hell happened?! Where's his...Alison put his drug paraphernalia in a drawer (I would totally do that) and the bedroom...stuff got put back in the nightstand as god and the wee fishes intended.

She wants to use his place as a headquarters while she apartment hunts, but more than that, she needs him to be her wingman. It's then that I love Alison, she's able to let her guard down and be vulnerable and it's very touching. Felix thaws

Sarah gets Cosima on the horn; could Kira be different, since she's of Sarah? Cosima doesn't know, but she could have her guy do some genetic sequencing of Sarah and Kira's DNA to see? Sarah declines, it'll just end up in the clutches of Delphine (Evelyne Brochu); GOOD CALL Sarah

Paul shows up at Mrs. S's house; you can actually see the inside of Mrs. S's brain "who dis?" Is Paul attractive, empirically speaking? I don't like to pick people apart physically, but he hasn't done a thing for me yet and I'm just wondering if I'm to assume he's Dreamy McDreamerson.

Paul gives the ladies the bad news while Helena is caged by Tomas. She's being punished for leaving Sarah alive. Paul has an interesting proposition for Sarah: he wants her to meet Dr. Leekie and brainstorm the problems the clones are having.

That sounds like a really, really bad idea. Dr. Leekie has set up this whole invisible operation, raising clones in the wild with monitors and secret medical tests in the middle of the night, not telling any of the clones that they ARE clones and now they should expect transparency from him?

Cosima's got her answers re:DNA. They are NOT identical

Delphine shows up and I probably should have giffed them kissing, it certainly seemed to blow DNA guy Scott's (Josh Vokey) socks off, but Cosima never really looks as into it as Delphine. Her body language is always guarded and in this instance, her kiss looked wary, tight lips and everything. Scott got a couple more images for his spankbank, regardless.

Sarah's heading out to deal, will Mrs. S be okay keeping Kira safe?

I spent far too long looking at the decor in Kira's room; is that what they look like when you just have one child and all the time in the world to press on complicated tree wall decals?

Alison and Felix sneak back into her house... to find her nearest and dearest assembled for her Intervention. Felix introduces himself "gay friend", Alison counters "acting coach" and the priest says "that's okay", Felix and I want to know which one was okay?

Donnie (Kristiaan Brun) starts; Alison's pill-popping, her drinking, her abuse. Aynsley (Natalie Lisinka) chimes in say that Alison sleeping with her husband and probably ruining her marriage (c'mon, that wasn't even his THIRD affair!) doesn't quite hurt as badly as Alison giving up their friendship. Donnie gives the coup de grace: does she really want to break up their family? Think of the KIDS! Alison runs off while I scream IT WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER IN THE LONG RUN, MR. BIG BOOB BLOWIES!!

Art talked Sarah into meeting him; he presses with the picture of Felix and brings up the shooting of Maggie Chen. She pushes back; he tampered with evidence at the scene, he would be in as much trouble as she would. We all do what we gotta do, and she's gone.

Cosima explains about the DNA to Sarah; while the clones are all supposed to be genetic identicals, there's a synthetic sequencing mixed in, like a barcode? I don't know, that's what she said! Sarah asks if she was the one who told Dr. Leekie she exists, that twigs Cosima enough to go check the folder she had stashed with everyone's genetic material innit that Delphine was rummaging through while she was getting super sexy Eskimo Pies last week.

No matter; Dr. Leekie's there now anyway, seemingly delighted with Paul's ridiculous attempts at security. A blindfold, Paul? A cloth blindfold for a man who implants weird things into bodies on a daily basis? Oh sure, that'll totally work, I'm sure there's nobody tracking them at ALL.

Dr. Leekie runs the I Just Work Here line at Sarah, who appears to buy it but I do not. I think this is his whole shebang, I don't think he's just a footsoldier, ensuring the well-being of the clones. I think he invented the clones and wants to tuck them all back under his scalpel.

He explains a bit about Helena, she's with Tomas, who opposes the Neolutionaries in specific and science in general. He makes fun of the religious extremists, but the Freaky Leekies aren't exactly looking all that well-adjusted themselves. Tomas captured Helena and trained her to kill clones, which Dr. Leekie calls brilliant.

He doesn't want Helena killed by Sarah, just brought in for de-programming and then the clones can have their lives back: no monitors. That sounds slightly above a footsoldier's paygrade, no?

NOW Cosima is doing her homework; calling Delphine on lying to her the ENTIRE time, including the fact that she's already a doctor and working closely with Dr. Leekie, who she wasn't supposed to know. Delphine pleads; she's helping them because the clones are in danger! FROM WHAT?? shouts Cosima and I. "You don't know, do you? Then you're the real danger."

Alison has barricaded herself in the bathroom; she only wants to talk to Felix! Some shared pill-popping and Felix gives her the pep talk she needs. "Be a woman."

Get out there, cry a bit, eat some humble pie and keep playing possum. She's just gotta get her face on first, which Felix can ABSOLUTELY help with

Ahhhhh!! Art has found what I was thinking of just above when I was giving the complicated Beth / Sarah history above: a video camera saw Sarah take Beth's purse after Beth committed suicide, I was wondering when that would come up!

Helena's been working on that cage, banging away and trying to fish for help so she can't answer Sarah's call.

Siobhan's been in touch with the people she got from Sarah back in England, they don't know anything but she can tell they're scared. DO NOT trust Dr. Leekie! Sarah doesn't, she's hesitating at handing over Helena, but that Mrs. S does not understand. Helena came after Sarah's daughter and there is only one answer for that as far as she's concerned.

Cosima is packing in the most theatrical way possible, crying and carefully placing folded clothes into her suitcase while Delphine tries to redeem herself in her lover's eyes: she didn't tell Dr. Leekie about Kira! And a good thing, too. Can you imagine how many pieces Kira would be in right now if she had? I'm sure Dr. Leekie will find that out as soon as he does even a basic search on Sarah.

Delphine swears, she's in love! She didn't expect this; she's never even been with a woman before!

Cosima getting a cold shot across the bow made me happy in a way I'm not going to analyze.

Art gets the subway peeps to roll the tape backwards, spying Beth and Sarah and their shocked first meeting, followed by the suicide and purse snatch. He understands now

Helena manages to get a chair tipped over and to her phone and she calls SARAH, who's child she almost just killed. Huh. Sarah is actually sympathetic, but Company Man Paul wants her to turn the maniac over to Leekie. Siobhan agrees with the hawt dewd.

Kira wakes up, she's lucid and wants her mum to understand that her getting hurt was not Helena's fault. She went outside to play with Helena, who just needs Sarah's help. Sarah is unsure how to handle this news, so she warns Kira that Helena wants to hurt and no, she doesn't think anyone could help Helena now. She grabs her gun before heading out.

Alison has had enough of hearing how much damage she's caused; she nukes Aynsley with shot after shot (Ayn blew the roofer at the cabin?) and everyone files out. "That went well!" Her and Fe agree.

Sarah makes it to where Helena is locked in a box, Helena is hopeful until Sarah pulls out the gun. She broke my heart a little when she leaned against the barrel

When Sarah can't do it, she hisses "you care!" and that is just lovely, Helena, like when you hug Sarah and say "You are all I have now. I love you." Awww

And then Tomas comes in and Helena grabs the gun and holds it on both Tomas and Sarah, back and forth. Sarah's words about Kira get through, she'll do anything to protect Kira, just like Sarah and then she sees Tomas for what he is: the monster who made her this way. Sarah grabs the gun back just before Helena leaps, landing on Tomas, who hasn't got a chance against his deadly trained assassin.

I did not watch the eye gouging.

Now Tomas is in the cage, Helena is in the trunk and in route to Leekie when Siobhan calls. She can't give Helena to Leekie, she's got to get home right now. Paul doesn't know what to tell Leekie, but he's on the phone anyway, to someone who says "blood is thicker than you think, Aldous" and who dat?

Angie isn't waiting for Art any longer, she's already told the Lieutenant everything she knows, he tells Art he wants a warrant for Beth's arrest. Except that Art knows Beth is dead, finally, so he suggests one for Sarah Manning instead.

Sarah makes it back to the house, what's going on? Siobhan has someone she wants Sarah to meet, it's Amelia (Melanie Nicholls-King). In case you don't know why everyone stared just then

They've found her again, she had to leave Cape Town in a hurry, even after all this time. Ahhhh so Amelia was the surrogate, carrying an in-vitro baby for a wealthy couple. I wonder if one is Aldous Leekie? Who posed as the mum, then? Amelia thought it was normal until the medical tests became onerous and she overheard the couple talking about the baby being "unfettered by tradition" and "advanced evolution", aka Neolution.

Amelia realised that this couple was not a couple at all, but rather a pair of scientists and the child she carried was in danger so she ran. And had the "two of you" in secret. I legit gasped: Sarah has a twin sister?? I know how ridiculous it is to be surprised, but still! THAT is why she and Helena has such a bond, they're twin clones! One's just a photo negative of the other, sorta. And we're oot!