And we’re back for Party Down South or Savannah’s secret shame!

Last week Tiffany spilled the cheaty-beans to Boudreaux about his philandering fiancée Santana, but don’t worry if you missed it, from what I can tell, this WHOLE SEASON is about this failed romance. Oh and Daddy *herk* threw up in the pool.

Lyle looks like he got hit by a truck that hit him clear back to grade school; he looks exactly like a little boy who is being chastised for peeing on the floor. Except it was Santana who peed on the floor, and not a floor but Brandon, and not pee but ANYWAY. You know what I mean. He looks sad!!

 

Tiffany wants to FIGHT and Lyle is trynna squeeze out some tears in Confession.

He’s mad enough that he doesn’t even want to be filmed, which the producers honour by shooting him afar and keeping his mike live. He really is a sweetheart, even angry he was a gentleman “Y’all just leave me be. Please. Leave me be”

Back at the Social Club, Daddy *herk*, Walt and Murray are still partying. I have to wonder how these encounters really go; do they cut the part where the ladies start by looking at the cameras and ask if they’re those guys? From that show? Now go back over there and start again. Daddy *herk* has an actually attractive woman (bar the Little House on the Prairie cold shoulder tank NIGHTMARE)snuggled up under his arm, making the moves, even this one

Which apparently means the bathroom and “get it goin’ a bit”. They make plans to go back to the house, but his girl went to the bathroom and he can’t find her. And then he does, but actually, it’s not her, it’s another blonde with an equally stupid tank top. She’s not saying no, but she’s a little confused. She still leaves with him, and she made that decision about a stranger in the space of time it took the other missus to pee; Walt says Daddy *herk* hypnotises the women and I think he means the CAMERAS convinced these women. Or, they wanted to get laid by a drunk stranger who didn’t exactly recognise them. It happens.

Lyle is crying in the porch, Tiffany comes and hugs but he doesn’t grab her back. In comes the drunk ones, I still cannot believe this woman got into a vehicle with this dude that could barely walk and neither can she:

Walt says she already has the walk of shame and she ain’t even shamed yet! To counteract alllllllls the things wrong with that statement, this must be posted.

 

Thank you, Amber.

Mattie is warming up the hottub, her feets hurt. Walt decide it’s time to lock this shite down with his lady, and brings out his guitar while funnel-sniffer Daddy *herk* burps along.

Tiffany is STILL screaming about Santana with Lauren; she decides to call Santana directly. That’s kind of amazing that she can remember phone numbers and all. She tells Lyle he better go on outside, she’s ’bout to be ugly. And isn’t THAT the truth. 60 slurry seconds of my life I will never get back. Oh no, wait, re-runs after the commercials!

So wow, Walt doesn’t know how to play that guitar, does he? I don’t know why he doesn’t just keep flashing these purty eyes?

He asks how many guys we know that can dance pretty badass, and sing okay badass and play guitar? And Imma guess one less than he thinks. His girl was ready to hit the bedroom an hour ago, so yeah. Daddy *herk* innit doing so well, I think SHE is fully realising just how drunk he is and HE just figured out she isn’t the same girl he was making out with at the bar.

Walt seals the deal with his lady (lots of meaningful foot cramping shots?), but then she wants to go and I fully understand Daddy *herk* is in the hot tub all by himself and his (second) girl is waiting by the door for Walt’s lady to roll. It’s all very seedy and I would once again like to thank my lucky stars that there were no cameras when I was a rapacious slamhound.

It’s the next day and Lyle is still not dealing very well. He says “I’m a lost kid right now. With a nice beard” and excuse me just one minute: LYLE BOUDREAUX YOU GET YOUR FEET OFF THAT TABLE WITH YOUR SHOES ON!! WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN????

 

Where were we? As yes, Pity Party, fully deserved, Table for 1. I get it and I’m trynna cut him some slack, but his shitty pretend-crying skills are testing my patience. He decides to question Lauren and sends Tiffany to wake her up. He wants to know ALLS the information.

He asks her flat out if she knows for sure that Brandon and Santana had sex and I don’t know if that’s possible, outside of a group sex sitch. Lauren says that they were acting like a couple at Mudfest and she asked Brandon if they banged and he said yes. Several different people have also been whispering in Lauren’s ear as well about all the other things she’s been up to. Really, though, the worst evidence is the changing of the name in the phone book, and that was allll Santana, not rumour or conjecture.

Lyle tells a very confused Walt what’s going on, this is a pretty serious sitch and I think Walt is the only one who has a good grasp of what’s needed: Lyle to talk to Santana. So he calls her; she’s not talking about it any more. This guy is WHUPPED, she had him on the defensive within SECONDS, wow. I’d say respect, but I do not think I respect her. Bourdreaux seems like a really nice guy. A really nice, really dumb guy with a great beard.

She cries and he says he believes her. Boom. He apologizes to HER and feels disrespected by his friends. Sigh. He takes Tiffany out on the porch to talk to her about maybe not phoning up his fiancée and calling her a shady-ass bitch. Cut. Scene. And done

Hannah has a sore throat and Walt prescribes peter-cillin and just like that, my ladyboner is gone and I also want a cab home and no early morning walk of shame. It might also be this face

Or the fact that he has apparently worn the same shirt since they got to Savannah. Either way, gimme cab fare, DadBod!

They can’t find Murray, that’s because he’s crying on the tailgate of his truck and he needs to deal with his family issues. His moms is sick and SugarBear’s got to go. Lots of crying and I knew I liked him best.

Now EVERYBODY is sad and crying, Daddy *herk* figures they need to “tip in” and funnel one for Murray. They’re gonna “poof” Murray, and what that means, I gather, is that Murray has a belly, see, and he “poofs” baby powder under it, because his belly touches the other part of his bawday and that was a lot of explanation but thank you, Party Down South, for bringing that into the mainstream. The throw baby powder at Daddy *herk*’s balls and um. Did the mean that SugarBear poofs his balls? I thought he was talking belleh?

Daddy *herk* is ALWAY drunk; no wonder about the blackouts. All those funnels. All that baby powder on his face when he was pretending to be Scarface

Lyle calls Santana, who is so sad and can’t eat and is hurt by him not trusting her and he says he needs to see her and I would maybe not suggest that she not visit just yet…Lyle tells everyone he should have stood up for Santana and he doesn’t wanna hear about it. I can see his point, but the girls ALSO have a good point: who admits to cheating?

Cabs are here! Keg call in Murray’s honour! And awwww, Walt may even bring a chick back and bang her in Murray’s bed! In his honour! Ewwwwww. Off to the pub for shots and dancing with each other in completely empty bars…Daddy *herk* has met a young lady VEEERY interested in him, but ehhhh, he’s not feeling it yet. Probably ’cause he’s not seeing double yet. Tarbender: funnel? Little help? She’s drinking his drink and rubbing her bum on him like a forest toad, so he lies and tells her he has a girlfriend. She just druuuunk.

Lyle is moping and not doing it for Murray and Boudreaux, he just needs to talk to Santana. All this real life stuff is real, right? Tiffany, well, I’m starting to wonder if she likes Lyle a smidge more than she’s letting on, because she’s alllll up in his bidness. And drunk, so hopefully he won’t be talking to Santana on the phone when she gets home.

And of course he is and Tiffany is screaming a bunch of things in the background like “You’re ’bout to marry a fcuking whore, congratu-fcuking-lations!!”

Sigh. I wouldn’t be twenty again for all the tea in China. So, to sum up: Murray left ’cause his moms is super sick, Walt got laid in 5 minutes in a single bed without moving a single hair on his date’s head, Daddy *herk* picked up two completely different women the same night and STILL didn’t get laid, Hott Dogg had swollen glands and made spaghetti sauce and Mattie might as well have taken the week off. Lyle had the worst.day.EVER when he was told his fiancée was cheating on him, which was followed closely by his SECOND worst day ever when he had to apologize to his fiancée for thinking she cheated on him and Tiffany is in love with Lyle. Maybe. Someone phone Bubba and tell him, but make sure there’s a camera on him, for the love of god.

And we oot!