Real Housewives of Potomac S1:E4 Desperately Seeking Marriage

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the-real-housewives-of-potomacHi guys! Your regular recapper JSierra is MIA so all of yous are stuck with me, sorry 'bout that! Hopefully she'll be back rolling this next week. I don't know ANYTHING except what I have read on her recaps, so let's see what I can mess up tonight!

3 seconds in and I already hate Karen's bewbs. It's like a solid mass! They're not supposed to be all jammed together like that and they're rebelling, that's the gelatinous masses on the side! Free the bewbies!!

Karen and GizelleĀ are going to flight school, but they're barely in the yard and complaining about how small the planes are. It's not the size of the plane, ladies, it's the motion in the...sky? Karen says the best thing she ever did was raise her children, and speaking of bewbies, would you pose in THAT DRESS with your kiddos??

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Her kiddos are graduating or gone and she needs to find something to do and a pilot's license sounds WAY cooler than banging the tennis pro. Probably cheaper, too. She's excited by the female flight instructor (a GIRL flight teacher!!) but not by being told she will be training in a single prop airplane. She needs at least two, but the instructor says one is actually safer. Karen and I would LIKE to believe her...

They sit down and gossip about Ashley in the meantime, Karen's glad they made up, after all Ashley's only 26 and "her frontal lobe only came together last year" HAHAHAHAHAHA. Karen thinks Ashley was like her when she was young, unpredictable and fun, but I'd wager Ashley has a much stronger swinging game. I will not discount these grande dames with their aureoles threatening to pop out (was too hot at the Bottom of the Barrel whiskey tasting, there was a corset sitch), these ladies can THROW.

Speak of the debbil! Ashley is ADORABLE

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and meeting Katie at the playground. Unfortunately, the park doesn't allow pets, so she just allows her shitzu to jump on the fence and drive us all mad with it's yapping while she RHBonds. Side note: Katie has a nanny, and I do not get that. She's right there! Use the nanny when you can't be there, why have another whole person stand around and wait for you to direct them? Whut? Then the nanny holds onto all three while Katie visits with Ashley and that ain't right either. Look at me, parenting expert! I do know better than to criticise ANYONE's parenting choices, I'm just gonna say that looks like a major waste of money and / or time. However, if these kids aren't triplets; they aren't far from it, AND young, so use that help, girl!

Ashley interviews that she hooked up with these ladies because of status, but has since had some hope of actual friendships with these ladies and awwwww she's so young and clueless!

Karen is anointing her plane with the blood of Jesus in the name of our Father, Amen and I can't do anything with that. Old people are weird.

One of Katie's kiddos is having a meltdown, NoKidsBabyWhispererAshley gets punched in the face trying to calm her down and it's just so cute how she thinks her kids will never do that to her. Awwww!

Katie's planning on rocking a leopard print dress to Ashley's birthday party, blah blah her favourite year was 27, no kids, no man, no responsibilities (kudos to the editors for cutting to a shot of May the nanny handling all three kids at once while Katie visits). I feel the same way about 30: best.year.EVER. So far. She doesn't look much older than that, I gotta say, but she's at least 30. Ahhhh, she's the one that is harassing her Andrew for marriage that got JSierra so steamed!

Hold up: Ashley is just turning 27 and her husband is almost 50, whet??

Back to Katie; she's made it VERY CLEAR that she getting married WILL NOT BE IGNORED, ANDREW and Ashley is encouraging her! And then starts to talk shite (non-constructively) about stuff she dug up online on The Google. Katie dated Russell Simmons (and they're stil good friends uh huh) and Robyn is filing for bankruptcy; Katie legit gasps. If Ashley is dumb enough to believe an article saying Robyn has $25 in her bank account...AND pass it on as fact, she deserves the fresh hell I bet she just stepped into.

Cut to Charrisse! Her hubs is the head basketball coach at Rutgers and I gotta ask hubs if he knows of him. I was very excited a couple of years ago when I got to talk about Larsa and Scottie Pippen on Real Housewives of Miami! Up walks Brynee (which is a name? Sounds like a medical condition), a friend and they talk about how Charisse wishes things were back the way they were when Eddie and her first met. All I have to say is that she is BEAUTIFUL and doesn't look a day over that time, so that must be the good kind of rich. Why doesn't she move to Jersey then, where he works? I'm sure he'd do the same if she had the crazy busy job. Oh and she cries and I feel bad for her; she misses her hubs and she's just not happy.

We're at the Georgia waterfront with Gizelle now and her ex-hubs looks so much like R. Kelly that I almost did a spit-take.

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Gizelle comes up with her kiddos, they're GORGEOUS! All the kids on this show are insanely genetically gifted, wow. Her and her ex seem to get along pretty well, that's good, at least for the kids' sake. He cheated a lot but she doesn't care, they had a great marriage until they didn't and he will always be her family. But he's a well-known pastor and everyone knows about his cheating, whut? He's been marching for Freddie Gray, the man killed in Baltimore by police. Prince is doing a concert!!

She says she could have Jamal back at any time, but she's enjoying doing other things, like other people and testify, sister!

Is Karen trolling us with this??

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She's brought her kiddo to the flight centre to see her anointed in the blood of Jesus plane, but *scratch* they've changed it on her. AND there's no AC. She's gonna need a minute. Things proceed apace once she meets her hunky pilot: if she's gonna die, at least she's going down with eye candy. Her daughter is FREAKING but Karen is having a great time. She says the next thing on her list is the Mile High Club and COME ON.

It's Katie's turn for some solo camera time, she knows Andrew luuuurves her and her kiddos; he helped with the divorce and made all the peace within the families. In walks her nanny and she can't understand her at ALL. May has been with Katie for 18 months and is a lesbian, which Katie LOVES. All that good energy. Now, I mean this in the most positive way, but I've met lesbians with positive energy and negative energy lesbians and I'm pretty sure it had to do with who they were as persons, not what type of fuzzie they preferred to bump. It's pretty clear that the kids love and know their nanny more than Katie, which is so sad. I love my time with my kiddos and would absolutely cry harder than that toddler should any of them reach for someone else when they're upset like hers do.

Katie has a new project! Katie and fam have just moved into Andrew's place and she's redoing the basement, skidding all his exercise equipment AND making him pay for it. I sense this will not go well.

Now I getta meet Robyn of the bankruptcy! She's kinda blonde and has a super deep voice. She's dressed one of her wee kiddos in a Derrick Rose jersey, so far I love her! He won't eat her gross looking tacos, but she's skidding anyway. She's a PR hack, but used to be married to an NBA player and is having a hard time adjusting to not having any money. "Uncle" Gilbert shows up to babysit the kiddos, mama's gotta work! Ah so her ex is Juan Dixon and he still lives with them, got it. He looks like a role player, lotsa trades and not a lot of minutes.

Charisse is wandering around her mansion and dangit, JSierra has me staring at her countertops! They're nice, but that RANGE! LOOKIT THE RANGE!!

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I can't even say how surprised I am that she has one of those $19.99 spice racks from Homesense next to it, pfffssshht. ANYWAY, Karen calls, she's coming over and since C doesn't like to be alone, she's ecstatic. Oh. It's a get-together and Katie and Gizelle are coming over too. They play NickyNickyNineDoors, hilarity ensues and hahahahaha Katie tells Gizelle to get her "big ass in the bush".

Katie has massive feet (same size as mine, whatever ho) but still manages to get her creepers into Karen's stripper heels. Guuurl. While gossiping about Ashley, who was gauche enough to mention that her MUCH older hubs has a huge unit, somehow that segues to Katie revealing that she's bisexual, which makes Gizelle's eyes turn into saucers and they all pretend to be cool about it but you know there will be some shit talking later. This is what they DO. She says that was part of her dancing on tables and being a model phase and she is so

She spills about Ashley Googling everyone, which is just not DONE. Um. How can you work with a bunch of famous people AND gossips and not Google each other? I call shenanigans. So Katie didn't think it was appropriate for Ashley to bring up finances, but that sure wasn't at all how she acted in the park...

Charrisse is having a hard time, she tells the ladies she and her hubs are in a bad spot in their marriage and have been for 3 years. She cries again, divorce is tough, y'all.

Ashley is having her birthday party at L2 because up until 4 years ago, she bartended there. HAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, this jumped up Googling ho is KILLING it! Good on her, you know that has to drive the other ladies mental. It's a gorgeous venue and speaking of gorgeous, the DJ is HAWT. Think Tyrese back in the day. Dang. She tells him to get his game face on, there will be cougars pawing at him and he takes his shirt off. Daaaaannnngggg.

Andrew is home, yay! Um. So Katie renovated his house in his absence because he went on a trip without her...I'm sure this face means he LOVES the changes!

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I gotta say, Andrew is totally middle of the road schmoe

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and Katie is insanely beautiful, so he must be rich as Croesus. He hates the room with the fire of one thousand suns, but some "wanna go upstairs" brings him back on track.

So. This is what Ashley is thinking of wearing to her birthday party

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Does being almost 27 mean that your eyesight is failing? She looks like an expensive streetwalker or video ho and that hurr needs to be near something fabulous.

Gizelle is setting the tone for the party, she calls Robyn to let her know Ashley has been at The Google; that is some "whack shit" indeed. But not really. Hubs didn't know Juan Dixon, so he doesn't have any money.

Ashley is apparently not content with showing just alla her skin,she's got nekkid models wandering aboot in body paint, I'm sure the mature ladies of Potomac will LOVE that!

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Another thing they love? Having to pay for their own drinks. Like. Whet? It's your birthday party and you took over the bar, WHY would you have guests pay for their own drinks??

Katie looks lovely in an Amish version of Ashley's leopard print outfit, Charrisse and Brynna look fine, Gizelle is in leather but I LOVE her gold armbands. Katie and Andrew hump on the couch and huh. She looks really into him. Maybe it's NOT the money. Jk, it's totally the money

In comes Robyn, who didn't get the leopard print memo and is rocking my 1998 floral floor-length skirt with slit and slicked back hair. Katie and Andrew rub on each other some more.

Gizelle and Robyn can't believe there is no open bar. Is it mean that I notice that Robyn doesn't order a drink after she hears that? Anyway, in interview she says that "she's heard of people being thirsty, but Ashley is de-hy-drated" and that's our pull quote, you guys!

Oh man, I think this old white dude is Ashley's husband

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Fake hugs for everyone, then Ashley beelines for Gizelle and Robyn at the bar. Robyn braces Ashley immediately, to her credit, and Ashley makes a hilarious explanation involving Robin being standoffish meant Ashley was wondering if there was something in her personal life to make her act so mad...and I'm with Robyn. Don't dig up dirt on the internet about someone, that shite is NEVER accurate, just ask. And don't worry about someone else's finances. Full stop.They make up and all is well while Katie and Andrew hump some more on the sofa. SHARED sofa.

Awww and Ashley got a porsche for her birthday and Katie hops right in. It gets tense until she shifts her princess arse oot and then Ashley and her hubs make out and COME ON. If he was broke...anyway, anyway, he isn't and I'm sure it's some kind of lurve. We oot! Let's join hands in a non-denominational prayer circle that JSierra is back next week: ohmmmmmmmm