The Five S1:E3 The Ballad of FauxJoe Recap

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Welcome back to The Five from Sky1, they aired another two episodes Friday, but that's fine, we'll just roll three behind like a BOSS! Spoilers after the break!

We last saw Danny and Ally discovering the serial people-keeper Jay Newman, now they need a search / arrest warrant and probable cause and the like, apparently those are necessary in the UK. Who / where is Jesse? No sign of him yet! How does that tie in with these missing girls? And did Slade really shoot Mark's ex-girlfriend's ex-husband in the FACE 2 episodes ago? These questions and more to be followed up on tonight, fingers crossed!

We open at Jay scoping out young women at a school, following one who separates from the herd. A older-sounding song and that's a shame, I thought we might have heard Lucky Girl again. Ah, Jay has a very simple modus operanti, he waits until the girls are walking somewhere secluded, then pulls up and has the girl in the passenger side ask directions while he walks around and snatches her. It looked / sounded like Britnay acting as bait, so maybe a flashback? She did try to warn the girl at the last second, but there was a pause while the girl tried to understand why this friendly young woman was telling her to run and Jay grabbed her.

Danny and Mark are facing off in front of the police station, Danny will let him know when he knows anything, swearsies. Danny runs into another copper inside and asks about the warrant for Jay Newman's place? Not enough yet, he'll look at it again...in a bit.

DI Townsend wants to know: has Danny looked at Jesse's age progression photo yet? It looks kiiiinda like Joe Hanley, hard to say, really. Danny hands over the illicitly-obtained information about Annie Green really being Selena Callaway, Townsend is off to put Mickey on that trail.

Slade and Britnay are driving along, she looks freaked out but is searching for anything familiar. Since she was taken out for drives, that's useful.

Pru is being offered a partnership with the clinic she's been working at the last two years. She says all the right things with the wrong amount of enthusiasm, so clearly she doesn't actually want this "natural next step." She waits until the other doctor leaves before popping another pill, although this one looks blue or white, not yellow like the last one. It does make her look all dreamy-eyed and sleepy immediately as the other did, I'm sensing a prescription pill addiction; all the rage amongst white suburban woman in their 30s and 40s I hear. Just a bonus that she's a doctor too! That sounded glib; it's actually quite worrying.

Danny and Ally and a bunch of police officers are descending on the Hanley residence (I fot it was Jay Newman's abode and got all 'cited), a Lamborghini or Ferrari (dancing wee horse in the emblem? Little help?) prompts the hoary old chestnut "crime does pay" from Ally, right, in they go!

The door is opened by a bespectacled middle-aged man, who says HE'S Joe Hanley. Then who was using his name? Not just using his name, but his profession AND company lawyer, I mean. That's either extremely complicated, involving deception on several levels, or The Weasel hadn't actually met Joe Hanley before and MaybeJesse had done some deep background on a strawman he could use in case he got caught. Okay, so MaybeJesse does deep background on someone whose name he wants to use, but he's stupid enough to turn on Selena's phone after so he can get picked up? Unless he WANTED to get picked up, so he could meet all the cops involved and play a little game of...  I'VE GONE TOO DEEP!! HALP!!

$10 says this dude got his identity stolen by MaybeJesse at a Leather Bar.

They ask him, anyway, he's set off Danny's radar, though. Just before leaving, he shows Joe the morgue picture of Selena. RealJoe is visibly shaken, sitting down again; he and Selena had sex. In fact, she was an escort and RealJoe was being blackmailed because of it. Huh. I really had him pegged for the Bear set.

Slade and Britnay are still searching, and that flashback WAS Britnay! She was beaten afterwards for trying to help the girl and the memory is breaking present-Britnay down. I think they find Jay's house, due to that enormously helpful upside-down umbrella, but a terrified Brit runs away, leaving Slade frustrated and angry. And in possession of a sense a vengeance and a silencer, at the very least.

Over in Mark's office, the beautiful Larry (Syrus Lowe) is breaking Mark's balls over not calling, not answering, and finally for owning AND wearing a Homer Simpson tie. There's someone waiting for Mark, though, a young man in a posh uniform. His father has gone missing and he has a mild case of Asperger's syndrome. That's certainly one way to introduce yourself in two sentences!

AHH! This is Kenton and Laura's son! And he came to Mark because he found Mark's business card in his mum's purse. So that WAS Kenton that Slade shot in the face! Not bad for a two-shot overall 3 second viewing of one face! High five me! We'll just ignore that I couldn't tell the JokeyTwins apart for the first episode.

So how does young Simon Marshall know that his father is actually missing and not just away, as his mother has suggested? He's his dad's Personal Assistant (not secretary, fanks) and his dad would have asked him to update his calendar had he anything else on the go. And no, Simon doesn't want to Encyclopedia Brown this out at home with his mum, he find her "a massive distraction." She keeps offering him SANDWICHES. Laura may have some "unknown knowns", though, so they're off!

Ally and Danny get a radio call, there's a deceased man been found at Jay's house! And it's Jay! Slade is Vengeance Personified, isn't he? Well that's fabulous in this case, rescuing all those trapped women and ensuring there won't be any more. Not so great in poor Kenton's case, whose reconciling with his wife who was shagging Slade's friend seems to be his sole fault. That's the problem with electing yourself judge, jury and executioner, not one of us being the least bit unbiased.

Danny and Ally are looking at Jay's body, he's been stabbed with a switchblade and I sure hope they find the women soon. There didn't look like a lot of food or water stashed back there, although I didn't exactly get the grand tour.

Danny's sussed that the soundproof room is all wrong, though. Why a mirror? He finds a light switch that shows the women behind the mirror suddenly and terribly, screaming and terrified.

Back at the police station later, they've identified I think at least two of three women but the detectives won't be able to talk to the them until the psychologist has cleared the former captives; the next day at the earliest. The blonde we saw being abducted in the flashback is Jane Shilling and she's also been missing for 5 years like Gemma. Danny is frustrated; he knew it smelled wrong but he still walked away. He yells at the guy he asked for a warrant earlier; if they'd gotten there faster they could have talked to the guy alive and I am having a harrrrdddd time being upset that this psycho is dead. I mean. It's practically an urban fairytale: bad guy gets a death sentence within 5 minutes of being identified, captive women go free.

I think it's worth noting that so far that the women that we've had identified directly and been recovered have BEEN women, in the 19-20 range when taken. I don't know why that stands out to me, except that typically you see much younger girls taken. From what TV has told me.

Townsend wants to know about the escort-using Accountant (affairs are cheaper. So Townsend's told), Danny thinks it's all a blackmail scam, not identity theft, exactly, but the mark doesn't say anything when the bad guys do their thing. Including letting the guy use his expensive work solicitor? Hmm. Danny's a little less sure about where Selena fits in, maybe she wanted out or to call the police so she was topped? Back to work!

Slade finds Britnay by the bridge, freaked out and thankfully a creature of habit so he knew where to look. She can't forgive herself for Jane Shilling's abduction, though, Slade repeating again that Britnay was a victim too falling on deaf ears.

Pru is seeing patients while high AF, all sleepy and just BEGGING for a malpractice suit. She's not giving her patient the penicillin she wants for her clear chest. The patient threatens to see another doctor as Pru ignores her to answer her cell phone. During an appointment. With the ringer on. It's Slade calling, he needs her to look at Britnay. I bet Slade recognises a junkie when he sees one.

Simon and Mark are at Laura's house, who looks...confused.

Pru is talking to withdrawn Britnay. What was Slade thinking? Pru's not a psychologist doctor, she's a medical doctor, right? And probs still high AF. She taps away at her phone, waiting for Britnay to talk, but Brit's got her number "you're a shit doctor." "I know. Luckily for me, you're the only one who's noticed." hahahaha!

Britnay cries, she didn't want to go back there...but Slade talked you into it, finishes Pru for her. He was like that when they were teenagers too, says Pru, provoking and then disappearing. Brit says Slade means well, just wanting to help people and I might even be tempted to agree, had I not seen all the face shooting. As they say, though, some people can't be helped.

Cue awkward coffee with Laura and Mark, so she really doesn't think Kenton was abducted by aliens? And he shouldn't start wearing his underpants over his trousers? But no, she swears Kenton and her are in contact and really? For reals? I'm pretty sure Kenton is NOT in contact with anyone in a corporal sense. Ahhh, they hash it out a bit then. I've never heard someone credit Asperger's or the Autism Spectrum as a reason to not get divorce, I mean, Simon seems fairly high functioning.

Pru berates Slade for taking Britnay back to that place; nobody knows that he was using her as a human diving rod. That it wasn't just curiosity or looking, he was a man with a purpose. Pru knows Brit will follow Slade anywhere, so she warns him and bails. He walks her out, asking her to come work at the shelter, using her willingness to come at the drop of the hat just then. He thinks she has an altruistic streak, a desire to help people. I think she was bored and irritated with patients self-diagnosing and self-prescribing.

We're with Danny and Ally at Selena's apartment, shouldn't they wait for the crime scene people, asks Ally? I feel as though Ally gets all of her information about police procedure from TV like me! They're greeted by a kitty, which doesn't impress Danny "cats are evil" and what IS it about men that they don't understand cats? Skittles is nowhere near pure evil.

Ooooh, lurking around the corner with Selena Calloway's laptop, trying to get oot, is MaybeJesse, or FauxJoe, listening to Danny have zero sense of humour about anything. They're on the lookout for her devices, noting that she was an IT expert and they're known to just have loads of electronics kicking about. She also had a daughter and huh.

Ally wanders off to check the bedrooms while Danny strolls through the hallway and catches a fist to the solar plexus. He coughs out an "Ally!!" and takes chase. Ally calls it in; Danny runs FauxJoe into the subway, where a really fun foot chase ends with a giant wrench to the face. Magic!

Ah well, it seems that the giant wrench wasn't quite as fun as it looked, FauxJoe might die and is currently in a type of coma. The doctor lets them know that his family really ought to be informed, this young man may even have to be switched off.

Speaking of possible family, there's Mark who still can't identify FauxJoe / MaybeJesse; and no, Danny can't bring in Mark's parents, he's already getting shite for the special privileges of Mark being allowed in to see the prisoner.

Ally lets Danny know that the laptop found was completely clean; why not leave it? They think that would be more suspicious. She says "you're a man, do you backup your computer?" and he yes, well, sometimes, okay, no, (hahahahahaha) but she does. Surely an IT person might here and there?

Oh FFS, Mark's snuck his parents in; what if FauxJoe ISN'T Jesse and they imprint on him in their desire for their son to be alive? Ahhh, but Julie says definitively that FauxJoe isn't Jesse, and whew for that.

The tech crew is looking for Selena's backups now, I'm sure they'll be able to crack an IT person's password, no problem! It's probably "1234567" or "password." Or wait, no, their hacking has set off an auto-delete in the system, THAT makes more sense. Danny finally thinks to take a photo of the screen before it implodes, those with first names starting with A-C are in trouble now!

AmericanVoice Stuuuuaart is very excited about Pru's partnership contract, but as a doctor she should know better than to mix that giant glass of wine with the wee pills, right? Am I too fixated? She's probably been doing them for ages, got a tolerance and everything to work with. He was skeptical of their move here, thinking they should just keep progressing forward and never looking back, like a shark, but one that also professes to want to be a stay at home dad next. I don't think he understands how sharks work. Hey! I learned something new today and I shall pass it on to you! Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaurs had teeth like sharks, not very sharp and rows upon rows of them! They were always falling out or breaking off and like sharks, T-Rexes were always growing teeth. That has nothing to do with The Five, right, as we were.

The women's release is on the news, as is Jay Newman's death while Pru watches. Not watching, but receiving news about that crime scene is Ally; Jesse's blood has been found at Jay Newman's crime scene too. Whuuuut??

How does that work? I'm pretty sure Slade slid that there switchblade into our renegade music producer, how would splatters of Jesse's blood end up on Jay Newman's shirt? Is Jesse a bloody-minded crime scene tech? That makes as much sense as a zombie vigilante, which is all Danny could come up with.

Hey! Speaking of bloody-mindedness, how come JokeyStraightHair knew what was written on the report inside the sealed envelope? Wanker

Danny's phone buzzes. Shite, he's late for meeting Mark. But of course he's not going to tell Mark about the new DNA finding, pfft, course, Ally. After a big fat pause that means "ohhhh I forgot you were here when I spoke out loud just then."

Mark et. al have gathered at Death Row, an on-trend bar with pictures of serial killers on the walls. They gab over expensive burgers as Mark ignores calls from Simon, who he explains to Danny is looking for his dad.

Best line so far "Organic ketchup. Of course. Even the condiments have beards" hahahahaah!

Why aren't they at Alan's restaurant? That chicken curry special sounded delish! But Mark says Alan doesn't even want to talk about looking for Jesse any more, and Danny gets that. Pru rings Mark just then, and Danny scurries.

Back at the hospital, Ally passes on what Julie already knew: FauxJoe isn't Jesse or anyone known. He's also awake, btw, let's see how closely his room is guarded. Not very! And he's off.

Mark is meeting Pru in the woods where Jesse went missing, she asks if it's hard for him to be back? But that's the wood he runs through every day, he still looks for him every single time. She tells him about her schwanky job offer. He understands by looking at her face that she's not keen. As anyone could by focusing within a 6 foot radius, she REALLY doesn't want that partnership. They talk about Slade always getting what he wants and I wonder how that played out as kids?

The slow to watch a group of four teenagers go by, one couple bringing up the rear and all the memories! There was a band: Synthetic Execution and that could be a title. They're joking around about Slade, but it gets serious for Pru when they arrive at a round, gated bricked in entrance to a tunnel. She looks spooked and asks a completely unspooked Mark if he trusts Slade? With his life, he answers without hesitation, and she cries. Is this to do with what they were up to in the woods that day?

It is! Slade and Pru were inside that tunnel, kissing, which was apparently a problem because Mark and Pru were a couple, and then they both saw Jesse. We all know what Slade does as an adult when problems arise, so...?

It's more than that to Mark, though, he couldn't care less about Pru and Slade playing silly buggers in the tunnel, the fact that they saw Jesse alters the timeline and throws more doubt onto Boris the Blade's confession. It changes everything. Odds are Jesse was Slade's first kill, but I bet this show has a few more twists and turns for us. And we're oot.

So. Now that Jesse's blood has efficiently connected the two crime scenes, we can really hurt ourselves trying to come up with credible theories. I mean, I'm pretty sure they'd know if Slade miraculously lost 10 years off his life and started rocking a bowl cut, so he can't be Jesse himself. And Danny can't be Jesse. And FauxJoe isn't Jesse fo SHO, so who's Jesse? JokeyStraight or JokeyCurly? Curly was at the first crime scene. All right you lot, will try to get #4 out shortly. Love yous, mean it!