Welcome to the mid season premiere of The Flash!

Here’s Barry, flashing through the streets again.  In a totally non perverted way of course.  He’s on his way to a date with Patty at a fancy place, screeches in, uh BARRY! Your roses are ON FIRE!  He and Patty stamp them out, and gaze lovingly into each others eyes.  I feel so lucky, says Barry, like I’ve been struck by lightning twice.  Seeing as he ended up in a coma for 9 months last time, I’m not sure that’s a compliment, Patty.

But look out, here’s Zoom!  And zip! There goes Patty!  Barry gives chase and he finds Zoom dangling Patty from a rooftop.  Zoom says, Flash, everything you have will be mine, everything! MWAHAHAHA, and drops Patty off the roof.  Ok, so maybe he didn’t laugh like that, but you get the idea.  Patty screams all the way down, then phew! Barry realises he was the one screaming like a little girl and sits up in bed after having a nightmare.

Here’s Joe and Iris showing the new family member Wally around CCPD, he introduces Wally to the Captain.  Your dad is a hell of a Detective, he says to Wally.  Ummm, obviously not shoots back Wally. Zing! Feel the burn, Joe! Joe suggests a whole family dinner, including the White Shadow as Wally calls Barry.  This kid is full of zingers!

Patty arrives at the CCPD and asks Iris for a chat about Barry.  They go for coffee, and talk about how Patty just wants to figure him out and how he is so guarded.  They discuss his nightmares and how he has a bad habit of taking the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Iris encourages Patty to talk to Barry, and let him know that he doesn’t have to do that with her.  Seriously Patty, you must have learned to detective at the same school Joe went to.  Your boyfriend is The Flash, how can you not have noticed this? Surely you’ve realised they wear the same deodorant or something.  Sheesh.

Back at S.T.A.R labs, Dr Wells is going all Good Will Hunting on a glass screen, and having Kylo Ren-esque tantrums when his formula turns out to be wrong. Cisco comes in, just in time to see his equipment end up on the floor.  No! Bad Harry!  He says that maybe they are asking the wrong questions.  The solution might be to ask how to make Zoom slower, rather than how to make Barry faster. Eugenius, Cisco!  We need to steal Zoom’s speed, but how?

Uh, what?  The Turtle is apparently a Meta Human who Cisco has been tracking that commits robberies that appear to take place at high speed but he actually just slows down everything around him.  We find out how he does it, and we can show Zoom what life in the slow lane is like.  The items he steals have been described as things of a personal value, not necessarily valuable. Quite coincidentally, the CCPD have JUST recovered some stolen jewellery that have great MEANING and VALUE to a local filthy rich family.  There is a presentation ceremony happening RIGHT NOW, oh fortuna!

The Flashes speeds off to the CCPD just in time to witness The Turtle slowing down time and stealing a ring.  Everyone stops still, apart from Flash who is still moving, albeit very slowly.  The Turtle winks at The Flash and waddles on out of there.  I thought Turtles only went to that sort of effort for pizza, huh. I also have to mention here that The Turtle is played by Aaron Douglas, from The Killing and Battlestar Galactica.  Canada represent!

Back at S.T.A.R. Labs they discuss The Turtle’s powers and deduce that he is taking kinetic energy from people leaving them in a temporary state of inertia. I’m totally using that whenever sometime mentions I’m looking tired.  You’re sucking the kinetic energy right outta me!  They decide that this kind of power has the potential to work on Zoom.  Caitlin uses facial recognition to identify The Turtle as Russell Glosson, a petty thief who has not been seen since the particle accelerator explosion.

Caitlin and Jay have a quick convo about helping Jay to get his speed back. He’s says he’s a scientist too, ok?  As if he hasn’t already ran alls the tests, duh. Sucks to be a slowpoke like the rest of us, eh? I seriously think a more streamlined hat might help there buddy.

Patty and Barry have another painful conversation about whether everything is okay and why he’s being so distant, and sigh.  Just talk with actual words you want to say.  Barry gives her some booshite about it being New Years, and that’s the time his mother was killed so he’s having a hard time.  Just tell her you’re the Flash for crying out loud.

Later at Joe’s, he, Barry and Iris have been stood up by Wally.  Barry and Iris talk about telling Patty that he is the Flash.  A little less conversation, a little more action please, Barry.  If you’re serious about her, you have to tell her.  How many times can you ditch one girl before she a) dumps you or b) figures it out for herself, is hurt you didn’t trust her and dumps you.  Barry finally agrees to tell her, thank bob.

Back at S.T.A.R. Labs again, and the crew come up with a plan to trap Turtle.  The museum is showing a long lost painting that has recently been rediscovered.  Prime Turtle heist material.  Caitlin asks Jay if he looks good in a tux.. Cisco replies that he’s 6’2, square jawed and jacked, of course he does!

Barry comes up with the genius idea to invite Patty and show her that he is The Flash at the same time as catching Turtle.  Dude.  I think that lightning seriously messed with your brain.  Cisco agrees that Patty should now, believing her to be Team Flash material.  Caitlin is not convinced, and Dr Wells lurking in the background looks someone just farted in his cubicle.  He catches up to Barry as he leaves and tells him if he cares for Patty, to keep her away from this as Zoom will find out and take her from Barry.

The museum party is in full swing, and everyone is looking smashing.  They all split up and do the rounds looking for Turtle.  Cisco and Wells are out in the surveillance truck and have a heartwarming discussion about how Zoom got his name.  Apparently on Earth 2 he laid a trap for the CCPD and killed 14 officers.  One survived and described it as blue lightning zooming around.  So, Zoom.  Oh, and then he went back and killed the survivor.  Just to press the point.  Big Bad right here. Cisco offers to Vibe for Wells to check if his daughter Jessie is still okay. *snort*.  I swear I will grow up one day.

Patty arrives and Barry tells he she looks like a dream.  Then flashed back onto his nightmare of her falling off the roof.  They decide they need to TALK, FFS.  They start to dance and begin talking about trust, and how he want her to know the truth.  Barry starts to tell her about the night he was struck by lightning and how it changed him.  Patty, I’m . . . . hang on!  Here’s Turtle, right on time to interrupt the conversation we’ve been trying to get to for about 25 minutes so far this episode.  Sigh.  Patty is ditched again, as Barry leaves to intercept Turtle.  Patty turns and sees Turtle for herself about the steal the painting.  She pulls a gun from I don’t want to know where and tells him to FREEZE!

Turtle slows everything down, takes the painting and Patty’s gun.  He appears above them on the balcony, and Flash speeds in to take him down. Turtle shoots the chandelier above Patty and slows everyone down again to make his escape. Flash goes for Patty in slow motion, and saves her just as it lands. On top of him. Jay and Caitlin drag him out, leaving Patty alone. Again.

They take Barry back to S.T.A.R. Labs and check him over.  He’s all good, but there’s not sign of the painting or Turtle.  Cisco remarks that everything was on track until Patty decided to go all Lethal Weapon.  Well excuse her for being a police officer!  Barry finally remembers that he has a girlfriend, and that he ditched her, again! He goes to leave, just as Cisco says, we don’t even know if your speed still works!  Barry says laters, baby!

Barry goes to Patty’s surprisingly large and gorgeous apartment.  Who knew policing paid so well? Patty is cranky and not taking Barry’s shite anymore.  She’s over the having fun part and wants to move on to the close part.  Are you sure about that, girl? She tell’s Barry to figure it out fast and grumps off.

For something completely different, we’re now at a drag race! Exciting! It’s little Wally, and he hits the turbo and wins!  High fives all round! Other dude hands over his keys, that is some high stakes drag racing. Wally goes to leave and spots Joe watching him. They have a heated discussion about missing dinner and Joe not being around to teach him manners. Wally tells him he is racing to earn enough money to pay for his mother’s treatment. Joe offers to help but Wally shuts him down with, we don’t need it. I’m the man of my family, go home to yours. Ouch.

At Patty’s apartment, there is a knock at the door.  Thinking it’s Barry she opens up, but aw hell naw it’s Turtle.  He forces his way it, stops her bullets, takes her gun and gets her in a headlock. What do you want, she says.  The thing most precious to The Flash, you! Patty seems confused, but could that be a spark of realisation we see in her eyes?  Please? Barry shows up and flashes about looking for Patty, he finds the bullets and realises that she has been taken by Turtle.  He calls Joe and they agree to meet at S.T.A.R. Labs.

Patty is strapped to a chair in a decidedly antique-y museum-y looking lair.  Turtle is typing out a card on a typewriter, Patty wakes and asks him what he wants.  He tells her he wants to kill her nice and slow, make her stop moving forever.  Apparently it’s all about hurting the person who values her the most.  Barry, she asks?  No, The Flash says Turtle.  So Turtle hasn’t worked this shit out either?  Man. Patty asks what he has to do with anything, and Turtle responds that he saw the way The Flash looked at her when he saved her.  Patty says he’s a hero and that’s what he does. Saves people. Incredibly clueless people, obviously.

We eventually hear that Turtle’s wife took him for granted and tried to leave him.  So I made her mine forever, he pulls back a curtain and shows Patty his very dead, well preserved body in a display case all pinned out like a moth.  With a lovely little card describing her, just like the one he has just typed out for Patty. It puts the lotion on it’s skin, Patty.

Once again at S.T.A.R. Labs, I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted from all this moving about, the gang brainstorm and come up with the location for Turtle’s lair.  His wife used to work at the archives in the Naydel Library.  That’s gotta be it.  They come up with the plan that if Barry moves between Turtle’s power pulses he should be able to take him down.  He has 2/10’s of a second between each one, that’s like a week to Barry.  No problems! He hits the library and finds Turtle about to shoot Patty up. Turtle attacks and slows him down, also gets in and lands four or five sneaky punches, hey that wasn’t in the plan!  Flash retreats, and goes back for a big run up.  He goes again and this time powers through, and smashes Turtle into a wall. Cowabunga! Flash cuts Patty free, she says thank you, whoever you are! Ahem, Barry, *psst* there’s your cue.  Nope.

Wally turns up at Joe’s and they duke it out again, coming to an agreement to take things as they come and not to try and rush things.  Wally is heading back to Keystone City and his mom. They settle in to eat some Kung Pao Chicken, and now I’m hongray.

Barry goes to see Patty as CCPD.  Again. Guess what? He wants to talk!  Patty cuts him off and tells him she’s leaving to study Forensic Science at University. She’s moving on up, Barry. At this point, I’m beastly careless really.  They went from cute couple to meh in one episode, great job writers!  We all know it’s Iris and Barry end game anyway. Bai now.

We finish up with Dr Wells being all creepster and breaking into Turtle’s cell. He takes a brain sample through his nose, which obvs does not end well for Turtle. And now I’m not hongray. Wells vows to do whatever it takes to save his daughter, and Turtle brains is where it’s at! Sorry, dude.

Final scene, a blustery suburban street, lightning flashes and a speedster appears. A yellow speedster? REVERSE FLASH?? Eobard Thawne is back? But where? Which Earth? Whatnow?