American Horror Story: Hotel S5:E11 Battle Royale Recap

We're back in time:

Liz is telling Iris that they're going to go all in, guns a'blazing.  They enter the suite, madly shooting at The Countess while Ex-Boy Donovan covers her body with his, trying to save her. Iris, realizing they're killing her own son, orders Liz to stop, and runs to him.  The Countess gets away. They take Donovan outside the Cortez to die as he doesn't want to hang out with ex lovers all day long. He throws Iris a bone with his last word being "Mom".

Sally is giddily pulling bullets out of The Countess as she screams bloody murder.  She tells her an artery was severed when she was shot, but not to worry, she knows "every vein and artery in the human body."  "You're certainly Edward Sexton with that needle," The Countess exclaims.  "They don't call me Hypodermic Sally for nothing." Sally then perma-cries a sad tale about her past when she wrote for the music industry.

It's LA, 1993:  Sally is in the studio writing a song for a super star duo.  The singers decide to take her along for a threesome and an H party, so of course they check into the Hotel Cortez.  They get their humping on and DEAR GOD.  The origin of the mattress stitching...They all got way too messed up on H and she decided the best way for them to share their closeness was to stitch them all together.   Ewww.  

"Post-mortem excrement is the biggest stain challenge of them all," chides Miss Evers as the duo dies of an over-dose.  She ends up stuck to the bed with the two rotting corpses until the sex monster comes to torture her.  Finally she can't take anymore and pulls free of the stitching.  Looks painful. Back in the present The Countess tells her, "You have serious abandonment issues."  Jest a little. Sally wants her to go hunt down Sad Cop, bring him there and kill him so she'll have him there with her forever.  The Countess asks for Donovan to feed off of so she can heal.  He dead.  Oh.

The Sad Cop family all arrive home and Scarlett balks at their new home life situation, asking if they are all going to eat her too.  Haha, right?  Poor kid. Just let the child live with her grams #FreeScarlett                      

The Countess is dying, so Sally brings her two of her own blonde babies feed to off of so she can heal. She begs her to just let her die, but the babies want to help her anyway.  It's actually kind of sad. Huh.

Liz brings Iris her boy's ashes and she's relieved he's not down the chute.  She spreads them on a hotel bed saying that they were too much alike to get along, but oh did she love him.  She instructs Miss Evers to sweep him up, who's confounded and delighted at the idea of a bag-less vacuum.

Liz and Iris go to let Ramona out of her prison.  Maybe she'll help find The Countess and kill her for them.  Finding the dead Kidlets and Drake, they also find her suffering from needing a fresh kill. Liz offers up a blonde baby. "I don't need any Hot Baby Aspirin," she snarls, she needs a real live human!

Gabourey Sidibie appears and she is in her character from AHS: Coven!  Hilarity ensues: Dinner is served."  Liz and Iris smile.  She is in LA to appear on The Price Is Right.  They check her in to her room, but she knows something isn't right.  She asks to move, and they placate her. 

Ramona appears behind her shower curtain and Gaby says, "Bitch, when's the last time you saw a Dermatologist?" HAHAHAHA  (for those that didn't watch Coven, Basset also played a witch on that one and the look on Gaby's face was priceless when she appears in the shower!)  Ramona tries to kill her to no avail, because as we all know she has the voodoo trick of turning her hurt back to her hurt-er.  Right when she's going to off Ramona, March steps in and kills her.  

"Why'd you do that?" she moans.  "You're magic has no edge at all my dear.  You see, I'm not alive.  You may be a witch.  But I'm a ghost."   Ramona feeds on Gaby and now she's even stronger with witches powers.  Ramona wonders why in the world March saved her.  So you can kill the Countess and her ghost and I can live Happily Ever After, duh!

Sad Cop comes home with, errrr, dinner (a live man in his trunk), and finds the house empty. Back at the Cortez he confronts Sally.  She tells him he has to kill one more time for March; the final Though Shall Not Commit Murder, murder, and then she'll bring him to his family.  

Ramona arrives in The Countess's suite and they flirt back and forth.  The Countess tells her she wants to apologize to her.  Everybody she's been close to ends up doomed and she's sorry.  She also wants for her to kill her so she can leave this place with her wee Bart.  But first, could she hump on her? Well, sure, why not?  They hawt together.

The Countess leaves in her splendor, the elevator doors opening to Sad Cop shooting the great lady dead to the tones of "I Wanna Be Adored".          

March congratulates Sad Cop and his trophy head of The Countess.  He stops Sally from killing him. Too bad there, missy.

What's being served for his lady's first night back?  Chipped beef on toast.  "To serve my queen? This is an outrage," March squawks at Miss Evers.  In walks the Countess and he tells her he can now forgive her for turning him in.  But she actually didn't. It was Miss Evers all along. She confesses her love to him and he banishes her for her pains.  March toasts The Countess to all eternity.