Beckymae Recaps The Real Housewives of Melbourne S3:E1 Join the Club

Real housewives of melbourne recap

Oh, the frabcious day is here! RHOMelbourne!! It's been a looong time between drinks with these ladies, can you tell I am excited? Hopefully you've read my introduction to each of the housewives, we are in for a helluva season I think, readers!

First up is Chyka and her lovely hubby Bruce having a chat in her gorgeous walk in closet about their 8 week holiday in Europe. Hard life, Chyka! She is, of course, hosting a Book Club today so she is fluffing up the cushions and preparing the house. Jackie the psychic and Janet la cougar are attending and are very excited that this book club is less about books and more about BOOZE! The new girl Suzie is also in attendance so we will get to know this mystery woman now, yay! She is 'quite well known in Melbourne' and enjoys keeping fit and is often called a MILF on the school run. We also meet Suzie's two adored sons, Monty and Rufus, who creepily think Mum should get onto a dating site.

Janet knows Suzie well as they are both single and both frequent the 'night places' that she also goes to. Night places? She makes it sound like a gathering of vampires!

Across town, Lydia and Pettifleur are meeting up in the grungy suburb of Richmond. Pettifleur looks like she just raided Liberace's wardrobe, decided none of it was flashy enough and put on a white lace monstrosity with a huge white fur. A truckload of WTF, basically.


Pettifleur has been away too, to a health retreat and looks like she flew in the Etihad Residence First Class apartment, noice. Lydia has been in London hanging out with her very close friend, Shane Warne at Lords whilst he commentates the cricket. We should be seeing a lot of Warnie this season, as it is rumoured that he and Lydia are 'more than friends'. For those of you unfamiliar with this man he is a very famous cricketer, now retired, who dated Liz Hurley for a time, pretty sure they were engaged too. He's a deadset yobbo: "a stereotypical Aussie. beer in one hand, meat pie in the other" according to Urban Dictionary, but, seeing as he was the best leg spinner to ever play the hallowed game of Cricket for Australia, he is mostly revered for being close to a window-licker.

Shane Warne RHOMElbourne
Has he been slipping you the hot beef injection (allegedly)?

Pettifleur digs for some goss, she doesn't think that Shane Warne can be 'just friends' with a girl and she is probably right. Lydia is shocked and appalled that anyone would think such a thing of her, her and her hubby Andrew have utmost trust for each other, thankyouverymuch! She also hung out with ex-Prime MInister John Howard who she is also not having an affair with but she did want to tame his glorious eyebrows.

Those brows though...
Those brows though...

Back at Boozy Book Club, cougar Janet admits that Warnie messaged her a while back asking her out or it could be a booty call because Janet was busy that night and he said she could pop over to his place after if she felt like it. So, definitely a booty call then, Janet? Seems that Lydia was super unimpressed when Janet told her this info and that is ALL the confirmation she needs to confirm an alleged affair, allegedly. Suzie says she is just going straight to the horses mouth and ask Lydia directly.

Over in Richmondia, Lydiot says she has an issue with 'Grandma' which is her very unimaginitive nickname for Janet, seems Janet is spreading rumours about her on Twitter as well as calling her names. Janet admits her intern had some fun with Lydia on social media but crowning her, "Lydiot", which is a MUCH more imaginitive nickname than 'Grandma'. The book club ladies think this hilarious.

Pettifleur tells Lydiot she is mad at perfect flower from heaven, Gamble, who has said that Pettifleur had some 'work' done whilst gallivanting overseas at a health retreat. She is also pissed because she got a legal letter from Omarosa's team overseas about her "Switch the Bitch" self help book, which may or may not be plagiarised from Omarosa's book, "The Bitch Switch", allegedly. But the good news is Pettifleur has gossip about GAMBLE! Lydiot is concerned about this as apparently "Two rights don't make a wrong".

The gossip turns out to be that Gamble allegedly met her fiancee, Dr Rick Wolfe, on which I think is bullshit as Gamble has been pretty upfront with the fact that she met Rick on eHarmony. Pettifleur goes on to say that Gamble also has the nickname, 'The Black Widow' because she 'mates and kills' which is odd because Rick is very much alive. Lydiot thinks this is a bad thing to say and tells Pettifleur as much, Pettifleur is taken aback that Lydiot is not blindly supporting her in spreading this gossip about Gamble.

Over at the Wolfe Palace, Rick and Gamble are discussing their upcoming nuptials, seems 'Pup', as she called him, is completely disinterested in the wedding and Gamble admits the whole thing is almost beyond her as well, she's just 'signing cheques' left, right and centre. She also says she is getting a pre-nup which I think is dead on sensible.

QUEEN GINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, forgive me whilst I fangirl out......she is chatting to her PA who looks like he's about 14 and half years old.

ahhhhh, derp....

Gina is making a fragrance which she says, "Needs to encapsulate the ultimate drag queen," lol, I love this woman. Poor Josh doesn't seem to understand that it's day time and he needs to actually do adulting type stuff. Suzie rings and invites her to a Baking Day which Gina seems about as excited about as Hurricane Katrina. Suzie tells her to bring an apron, "Apron?" you can see the cogs turning as Queen Gina tries to compute what this clothing item is.

Gamble's wedding dress designer arrives at her place to discuss the dress, he is allegedly the BEST wedding dress designer in Melbourne and has brought over a mood board which features 'sea, forest, pearls' as the theme. Gamble wants to know if he can make her wedding dress out of pearls, completely pearls. "Do you like pearls" he asks. "I do now!" she cackles. He inquires as to whether or not she is inviting Pettifleur to her wedding and Gamble says "Of course darling, I'm not going to exclude someone from my wedding just because I dislike them!" which actually seems like a pretty legit reason NOT to invite someone in my book.


Gamble has a very different idea for her wedding and has created a 'Chines opera theme' mood board filled with Kabuki faced women, fans and chopsticks...I shit you not...


"Do you like that?" she asks. "No." says Mr Designer. "No way." tell us how you really feel, dude.

Lydiot is chatting to her husband, Andrew, who declares that he has missed her whilst she gallivanted across London with the Australian Cricket Team. She says that she just loves 'men in cricket whites' and he teases her about Warnie, he's heard all the gossip but doesn't believe it. "I love that you're not a jealous guy," Lydiot drawls. "What does that mean?" Andrew's interest is piqued now...hmmm, this could get interesting.

"I'm running all over the world, London, cricketers," she says."I mean, they're all pretty cute," Lydiot is totes shagging Warnie....Figaro, you might be getting a new Daddy!

Figaro RHOMElbourne
Get me outta here!

Cut to Jackie and her hubby catching up over food somewhere, her Mum is coming down to discuss something with her and Jackie thinks it's about the fact that they haven't had kids yet. For some reason this makes Ben horny, "I've got a bit of a chubby."

Back at Casa Lydiot, Johanna the housekeeper is doing laundry. Lydiot's 'friendship' with Johanna is particularly cringeworthy, she calls her 'my house-friend' and even went to the Phillipines last season and met her family then declared them to be 'my family too'. It's gross and kinda weird, she's your fucking HOUSEKEEPER! "I'd love to keep her forever!" hmmm, yes she will skin her and wear her as a coat soon, I'm sure of it.

Lydiot now wants Johanna to be her driver as she has 'just sold my Porsche' but the side eye is strong in Johanna, who looks like she wants nothing to do with it. "We can drive around talking about washing powder, different types of will be such fun!"

Whatchu talkin' about, woman??

"Do you know your left from rights?" poor Johanna might just get homicidal over this jaunt. They hop into her Suzuki Swift and Lydiot says she can't wait for people to see her driving around in this car because 'it will tell you what a snob I am so not.' Figaro runs back into the house....

Over at Chyka's place they are dealing with their daughter Chessie who was looking after the house whilst they were in Europe for 8 weeks. There's a massive scratch on Dad Bruce's car and he is taking names. Chyka wants to know about all the bottles in the recycling too, which makes me think Chessie is really young but she is actually 21. Give her a break guys! Bruce read the odometer and he knows that she didn't just drive it to the shops and back. Chessie 'fesses but it was all to make sure her mates didn't drink and drive, m'kay Dad? Chessie loses her shiz when she sees the scratch which she thought wasn't there, geez harden up will ya! Oh the young...

Lydiot and Queen Gamble are lunching and catching up. Gamble drops that she used to live in England with her ex boyfriend who's family own Selfridges, the department store but, cutie that she is, she thought that it was a shop that sold refrigerators...oh Gamble, don't go changing! Talk turns to Grandma Janet and her attacks on Lydiot which Gamble attributes to early Alzheimers, "Sometimes I'm not sure if she drinking her tea or smoking it." Then Lydiot admits she has an issue with Pettifleur and Gamble cannot believe this as Pettifleur adores a bit of the Lydiot. But Lydiot tells her that Pettifleur not only blames her for the plagiary litigation she went through but also accuses Gamble of meeting Dr Wolfe on "Oh she is such a slag," says Gamble. "She is such a slut," Lydiot injects with "Hang on, is she a slag or a slut?" like that really matters, lol.

Chauffeur and house-friend Johanna is still ferrying Lydiot around, this time Lydiot has migrated to the back seat like the full on backseast driver she is. She tells her to turn left and adds in some patronising hand signals to boot. "Whether it drives Johanna nuts or not, it doesn't matter, she'll still drive me, she knows I'm crazy."

It's just a jump to the left...

The Baking Day has arrived! Whoop! They break open the booze and Suzie is preparing to meet the other ladies. Pettifleur arrives and I am almost positive that she's had some new cheeks put in? She takes Gina aside to talk about her son Nathan who's girlfriend effectively moved into the family home, PF told them they needed to contribute or get out, so Nathan made a break for the border. This has deeply upset PF and she 'wants him back' which makes it seem like this relationship is a tad inappropriate and creepy, he's a grown man, let him go!

Suzie is quizzing Lydiot on her friendship with Warnie, "Are you bonking?" she brazenly asks."No, last night I f*cked my own husband," retorts Lydiot. "Quite well," Then talk turns to Janet's booty call from Warnie and how Lydiot was a bit taken aback by that. "Oh well, I was just shocked you know?" she says. "Because he normally goes for these young white pointers," bwahahahaaa way to shade Grandma, Lydiot, I see what you did there.

Hell then breaks open and Grandma Janet and Lydiot take their catfight to the sitting room with Jackie, lords know why she is there, maybe she can predict the outcome with her psychic powers? Lydiot reckons that as their 'elder', Janet should be more wise and be 'their leader', Janet is having none of this shiz.

Oh, FFS!

Next up it's Gamble vs Pettifleur, I love the fact that Gamble just outright says "Why do you have a problem with me? What have I done and why do you call me a Black Widow?" Now Pettifleur has a go at Lydiot because the Black Widow convo was meant to be private. Gamble tries to smooth things over by letting PF know that she has a function coming up that she would love PF to be a part of, High Road taken! But PF shoots this down. "I don't you mediating jack shit for me." she spits at Lydiot who is claiming that she only told Gamble the Black Widow comment to help heal their relationship.


Suzie then comes in and stokes the fire some more. We learn that, after her last divorce, it was actually Lydiot who spread some very nasty gossip about her. Dun, dun, dunnnnnn this is going to be a VERY interesting season.

Gamble and PF go for the jugular and it all ends with PF throwing out a "Miss" at Gamble who calls PF 'deranged' and that she will 'sue her till the cows come in'. Suzie takes the shitstorm going down in her home in her stride declaring them to be a 'pair of perimenopausal twits', I like this Suzie chick!

See you next week, peeps! I'll leave Queen Gamble with the last word...xoxo BM