Real housewives of melbourne recap

Introducing….The Real Housewives of Melbourne!

This is the Queen Bee of all of Bravo's franchises, Andy Cohen cut his teeth with this formula and now takes home tasty cheques courtesy of the antics of these privileged, primped and certifiably nutso ladies from around the globe. This Melbourne franchise has been a slow burn with S1 being well received but a victim of the inexcusable casting of Andrea Moss who, whilst not only as stuck-up as hell, was also excruciatingly boring. S1 saw the introduction of two more ladies who were a little more divisive: Sri Lankan pocket rocket, Pettifleur Berenger and, my fave ever Real Housewife, Gamble Breaux.

This post will introduce you to this current cast of the Real Housewives of Melbourne and give you a little taste of their personalities, significant others and the vast array of products they are shilling us.

The Newbie: Susie McLean whom I know nada about at all. Apparently she's a country girl who married the president of St Kilda Football Club but they have since divorced. She's sporty and is the president of the Country Women's Association in Toorak which means she knows her way around a pumpkin scone.

 

Pettitfleur RHOM

Name: Pettifleur Berenger
Catchphrase: "Switch the bitch"
Ma Cheque: Wrote a book called "Switch the Bitch" that was eerily similar to Omarosa from Celeb Apprentice's book, "The Bitch Switch". Many of the other housewives called her out on it and even recommended that she change the name but she refused 🙁
Significant Other: Frank, who is Pettifleur’s rock, soul mate and constant traveling companion (according to Bravo TV)
Furry Friend: None that I could find which is probably a good thing
SuperPower: The ability to wear bling on bling on bling
Arch Nemesis: ALL the ladies hate her guts. Pettifleur hails from Sri Lanka and calls herself descended from 'Dutch Burghers", whatever that means. She is my least fave of the Housewives and credits her slim figure on the fact that she doesn't drink, so basically she is a po-faced, boring moll.

Name: Lydia Schiavello

Catchphrase: "Oops, that was naughty"
Ma Cheque: Doesn't really have anything to schill as her hubby is fairly rich but she is described as 'being an accomplished hostess, interior decorator, cook and skier -- she’s also a devoted mother of two boys, one girl and three step-children'
Furry Friend: Figaro, her 'fashion forward Italian Greyhound' who, like his US counterpart Giggy, constantly looks like he is looking for the quickest route outta the house
SuperPower: The ability to make anything seem sexual without actually being very sexy at all
Arch Nemesis: Gina Liano

Oh Lydia, she's pretty but not very clever, has an interior design degree but no taste. She does have some pretty good one-liners but it's her highly inappropriate, flirtatious dealing with her grown step-sons that will have tongues wagging.

Name: Jackie Gillies
Catchphrase: "Shine, shine, shine!"
Ma Cheque: Started out as professional psychic but now runs a liquor company called 'La Mascara' that makes artificial tasting, fruity alcohol.
Significant Other: Ben Gillies aka 'The Drummer from Silverchair'
Furry Friend: None
SuperPower: Well, she's psychic so there's that
Arch Nemesis: Jackie gets along with most of the Housewives but did have a falling out with Gina Liano that was repaired last season.

Jackie is my third favourite housewife, she was my second until Gamble came along. I really thought she was going to step up the rock chic crazy but she and her hubby lead a relatively normal life in Melbourne. She thinks her hubby looks like Johnny Depp which I get but he's the pocket rocket version 😉 but these two crazy kids really love each other which is nice.

Depp-like or no?

Name: Janet Roach
Catchphrase: "everybody....alll...over....." you need to see S2 to get it...
Ma Cheque: Janet doesn't schill much, she's a property developer and 'self-made'
Significant Other: Single and ready to mingle, doesn't mind dating a few Mr Wrong's before she meets Mr Right. She is verrrrry fond of the young'uns and gives no fucks at all what anyone thinks of that.
Furry Friend: Two Yorkies called Bella and Boychik
SuperPower: The ability to snare a 20 something boy within 30 seconds and also spread gossip within 30 seconds of hearing it
Arch Nemesis: Gina Liano, they used to be besties and have known each other for over 20 years but she's not the brightest star in the galaxy and Gina doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Whilst Janet is great she certainly has a selective memory when it comes to what she's said to whom and I prefer the housewives that own their crap rather than trying to hide under a bad memory or the 'ditzy blonde card'. Her Cougar Game is top notch though and she shamelessly parades her boy-toys at any event possible and for this reason alone I kinda love her.

Name: Chyka Keebaugh
Catchphrase: "Whatever"
Ma Cheque: Runs The Big Group which is a major catering and events company in Melbourne
Significant Other: Bruce Keebaugh
Furry Friend: 2 dogs, Ollie and Milo
SuperPower: Could set your house up for an elegant dinner party in less than an hour
Arch Nemesis: Chyka is the epitome of Switzerland and maintains steady relations with all the ladies

I think if I was a RHOMelbourne then I would be Chyka, she's the hospo worler that loves a good party and adores her husband of over 25 years, Bruce. She is effortless and charming but also quick with a one liner or two.

Name: Gamble Breaux
Catchphrase: "Your pussy's too dry to ride me this hard"
Ma Cheque: Works as an 'Fine Art Consulant' for known philaderer and creator of awful painings, Charles Billich. Also makes weird hand bags shaped like gun holsters?
Significant Other: Dr Rick Wolfe or 'Wolfie' reknowned eye surgeon
Furry Friend: Pomeranians Cash and Wicket
SuperPower: Comes across as the Dumb Blonde but this chick is whip smart and has had THE best killer comebacks last season
Arch Nemesis: Janet Roache who once called her a pole dancer but then said 'no I called you a stripper', because THAT is better Janet?

I can't choose my fave between Gamble and Gina but I will make Gina the queen just because she has been around longer. Gamble was such a surprise last season, you really thought she was the usual, boring gold digger but she became the gift that just kept giving! Yes, she met her hubby on eHarmony and she may not know a lot about politics but she will whip out the 'C-Word' at 30 paces and fell you with a quip.

Name: Queen Gina Liano
Catchphrase: "I deal in fact, not friction" or "You're an insignificant ass-hair"
Ma Cheque: She's a real life mother-flippin' BARRISTER thankyouverymuch but also has a jewellery line
Significant Other: Gina is shady about her love life but was dating US based business man Dean Giannarelli
Furry Friend: A dog called Ninja
SuperPower: All of them.....she can mind read, see through shit and even bend your mind to her will, she is THAT powerful
Arch Nemesis: Janet and Lydia, see above.

All hail the Queen! Gina has no fucks at all to give and will tell you as much, she is smart as a whip and will not take anyone's crap. Barrister, jewellery designer and cancer survivor who is also humble and kind whilst wearing more bling and make up than your average drag queen.She's fast friends with Gamble and, between the two of them, I am very sure they will reek havoc this season and I, for one, cannot wait. #TEAMGINA!!

Bring on FEB 20!

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