We're almost there, this is the episode of New Girl right before the big day: The Wedding! Let's see what happens on Wedding Eve.
The rehearsal dinner has just wrapped up and Schmidt's mom and "my mom's friend, Susan" thank him for letting them sleep in his room. He asks them if they're sure they don't want to sleep on the air mattresses and his mom reminds him they've been sleeping together since 1998. He giggles nervously at that. Jess tells the happy couple they have to separate for the night, "like boy cousins," What? Haha. They proceed to make-out to say goodbye and Winston talks them down with a disgusting diatribe that includes: "dead tongues" and "decaying salmon."
Jess has Xanax and a "cat riding a dog like a horse." "Is that for me or for you?" Cece asks her. Ha! Also, Trudeau pics. Cece says she can't wait to take care of her one day for her wedding and Jess says well, Sam is the most objectively-marry-able guy." And very tall, so... Huh. What a keeper, Jess. She grabs his jacket off the bed and whaddya know, a ring box falls out...
Schmidt starts to freak out because his flash drive that has his vows he wrote to Cece is gone. Winston tells Aly that she will make a beautiful bride one day and she has a weird look on her face and runs out of the apartment. Winston tells the guys and they tell him about the vows. Winston smashed it during the Horah the night before. How much does he remember? "Cece, I can't believe this day is here." That's it, Nick wants to know? Well, Rick Santorum said it best, see.
Sam knocks and tells Jess he wants to talk to her in private. Panic sets in. She did not see it coming. It's great though, right, she asks Cece. Jess then accuses her of pausing, but Cece says she wants her to marry whoever she wants to.
The guys try to help Schmidt write new vows, but it's a total fail. Nick says to say whatever comes to mind when he says Cece. Nothing. So Nick says he'll go. Case in point, Nick: "Average worker, uneducated, but kind, weird shoes, boyish, never really talked to her." Nick kills me, weird shoes, Haha. Winston was just blindsided so he tells him to be guarded and stand offish, to not let himself be vulnerable because Schmidt doesn't know how Cece really feels about him. Schmidt starts laughing and then they all do and then Schmidt yells at him how terrible his advice is. Which is perfect.
Jess finally goes to Sam to talk, but can't do it and bails announcing that it's time to play TRUE AMERICAN! Yes! It's been awhile! This time it's First Lady Edition, and includes these locations: Michelle's Garden, Mary Lincoln Todd's Sanatorium and Nancy Reagan's Gun Closet. While much shotgunning beer ensues, these words enter the game: Hilary Headband Hot Potato (Schmidt drops it: DRINK), Lesbian Roadtrip-Bye FDR, Camelot-Bay of Pigs. Jess sneaks an alone moment with Cece and asks her how you know when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. You just know, she tells her. And then COACH walks in. Hi Coach!
Schmidt runs to the restroom feeling sick and tells Nick he shouldn't have drank so much; he can't even write the vows now, he can't even spell his own name. Is jeans a letter, he asks? He knows it's something. I've felt that way before too, buddy. Nick helps him finally come to the conclusion that he just wants to make Cece happy and that's all that matters. "Jeans isn't a letter! Jeans are pants!" He's on a roll!
Winston tells Coach he needs help with Aly, Coach puts him in a rolly chair and rolls him into the elevator door and hollers at him that he is not going to play games with his relationship with Aly. Go to her place and flat out ask her, he tells him like a rational adult.
Sam finally gets Jess alone after the party is over. At the same time they say, "I can't marry you" and "I want to break up". Jess tells him she understands that he belongs with Diane (I mean, Sam and Diane, duh) and he tells her he is so sorry, after telling Diane goodbye, he couldn't get her out of his mind and he realized he does love her. She asks about the ring, but he says it's not his. He finds the engraving on it and it says, "To Susan, Love, Louise." She can't believe she missed it, "and the font is huge." Nice, we see what you did there with the reading glasses joke. Schmidt over-hears and yells, "MA, MA, are you proposing to your friend, Susan?"
Winston goes to see Aly, and she's in bed saying it's not a good time. He starts to go on and on, but she stops him and tells him she has food poisoning. He wonders why she didn't just tell him earlier, and she says she hates being vulnerable. But she loves him, she loves him so much. Winston is stunned and he loves her too. They start to get gooey until she has to run to the bathroom to puke again, how can there actually be anything left, she wonders. Girl, I am feeling you; this last October, my bob.
They apologize the ladies had to get engaged at such an awkward time because the ring got out, but they assure them it's fine, they shouldn't have had sex in Jess's room, letting the box roll out while they did, but the high ceilings were irresistible. "Quick show of hands, who's had sex in Jess's room?" All of the hands are raised. Schmidt makes a speech and says that he's glad Susan is going to stick around, "To my mom and my mom." He was always worried she was going to leave, like his dad.
Schmidt finds Cece crying in Jess's room and she tells him it's just that he'll have two moms at the wedding and her mom won't even come. He hugs her and when he leaves, he's at the airport!
Jess sees Sam off at the elevator and he asks her why she couldn't marry him anyway. She says she has no idea. He tells her she does know, she keeps denying until she asks him why. He says two words as the elevator doors shut, "It's Nick."
Best Lines of the Night:
Schmidt, on how Nick cannot talk to women: (Flashback to Nick and Regan, her coming out of the shower): "Did you clean everywhere?" "Are you happy? Are you happy that you said that?" "I'd like to smell your towel." *Nick mentally face palming*
Schmidt, when his mom complains of the noise during True American: "MOM, we're trying to play a game. GOD."