Well folks, it's the mother of all New Girl's, it's Schmece's wedding day. Finally. We made it. It's also the finale for Season 5, let's just get on to it.
Jess is helping Cece get ready for the big day while Nick is panicking trying to find the missing Schmidt. He finally gets a call from him telling him his plan to get Big Mama P to come to the wedding, and Nick tells Jess. Jess tries to tell him to keep his mouth shut, but Nick can't lie and when she has him practice, his inflections are way off the chart. "Schmidt IS ah-sleep. Schmidt is a-SLEEP. SCHMIDT is asleep."
Nick tells Cece, "Schmidt is asleep." It works, and then Jess tells him Sam broke up with her so he says they're both going "drag," she says "I think it's stag," and he says they should go together. Of course Reagan walks in to go to the wedding with Nick. Nick gets a call from Schmidt again and he says he's stuck on his plane. Nick asks him loudly if he's calling him from a plane, and oops, he's sitting on his best man walkie-talkie that's in Cece's room.
Cece tells Schmidt that that is the most romantic thing he's ever done for her, but also really really dumb. He agrees and then starts telling her what he wants to do to her sexually, but he's on speaker and everyone can hear. Awkward. He tells her he won't miss the wedding. They have to delay all the guests!
Jess tells the guests there's been "a minor delay, the vineyard dog is giving birth," while Nick speaks in to his walkie-talkie, "Give them drinky so they don't get thinky, over." While the champagne is flowing, Schmidt starts freaking out on the plane, "I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL SCREAM SING EVERY LAST WORD TO LES MIS." The flight attendant tells him she'll have him removed, and he tells her, perfect! She says, removed to security, and he sits and says he'll just have a "toe-mah-toe juice."
Jess reluctantly asks Winston to prank the wedding for delay-sake. He says he has no time, but she calls him a "Bird-shirted puzzle baby," just do it! HAHA, and he says he will. Jess finds Cece and guess who walks in? BIG MAMA P!
Apparently, Schmidt has called and left a voice mail every Monday for the whole last year and told her how much he loves her daughter. He's convinced her, "I am delighted for you to marry this man." The whole plane applauds when he gets the news. He tells Cece to go ahead and have the party without him, they can get married "at city hall, with all the immigrants and liberals and first cousins." HA. His whole life is her.
They start the party, and Cece carries Schmidt around on a tablet while the airplane parties with them. Jess calls Winston to tell him he doesn't need to prank anymore and he's all, "Cool, cool," but he's in a port-a-potty and drops his clothes and phone in the toilet, and he's naked.
Nick makes a terrible best man speech, which includes the fact that everyone dies and how he didn't like Schmidt when he met him. Coach and his girl, May, find Winston hiding in the photo booth, where he's disgusted with himself. Coach gives him a pep talk about how he's a grown man with Aly now, so Winston arrives back to make a speech dressed in the photo booth curtain all toga-like and proud of it.
Jess talks to Reagan for Nick, and Reagan tells her that she couldn't get Nick out of her head. She asks Jess about her relationship when she was with Nick and she pretty much tells her that she worried about how Nick didn't act like a grown up when it came to things like savings accounts, but she doesn't think that stuff matters anymore. Reagan tells her she's awesome and she's going to go for it. Cece comes over to comfort a miserable looking Jess.
And now we have our pay-off scene. Right here, baby. Schmidt gets off the elevator and the guys are waiting for him in suits and yarmulkes. Winston sprays him in the eyes with some cop stuff that "revives passed-out derelicts." He wants to know what the heck is going on, and they lead him into the loft. The floor is covered in rose petals, there's a cellist, and it's just the roommates, his moms, his dad and her mom.
Cece is in her beautiful gown and she asks him if he wants to get married. His eyes shiny with tears, he tells her, "I don't think I can wait another second." This is where we all start to well up, man. With "Still" by Seinabo Sey playing in the background, Mama P walks Cece to Schmidt while the Rabbi blesses them. They say their vows, and then before the Rabbi says husband and wife, Schmidt has to stomp on the glass. They hand him The Douche Jar, which couldn't be more perfect in the entire world. A perfect circle.
Jess sees Nick afterward and he's going on and on about how he's always amazed how he gets women that are so much better then he is. She interrupts him and yells at him to stop it! He's amazing and he needs to realize it! He's surprised and then he tells her that Reagan is going to New Orleans for three months and she wants him to come live with him, so he guesses he will. Everyone comes in then for the bride and groom dance and Jess has to put on her happy face.
Schmidt and Cece are at an incredible tropical beach enjoying the sun when Winston pops out of the sand and scares the living sh*t out of them. "HONEYMOON PRAAAANK! What are y'all drankin'?"
Best Lines of the Night:
Schmidt, to Cece, about how it's okay, they'll just get married: "...at city hall, with all the immigrants and liberals and first cousins."
Coaches girlfriend May, seeing a photo of Winston's butt: "Whoa, that's a working class butt; nothing wrong with that."
Jess, when Nick tells her Reagan has a train to catch: "A train? What... is she going to Hogwarts?"
Schmidt, to Nick, when he first calls him: "This Chinatown bus doesn't have a sky phone, or a working landing gear apparently."
Schmidt to a pregnant woman sitting next to him on the airplane: "You're screaming in my ear." "That's motherhood, lady. Get used to it."