Welcome to the first ever Real Housewives of Potomac recap!
Our Savior Andy Cohen has let me down. As my friends from Bookie might know, I like countertops and I notice them. You can tell a lot about a person from their countertops, the material, the condition, the style, etc. So imagine my surprise when the Real Housewives of Potomac were rockin some kitchens straight outta 1992. These are not the Housewives I have been promised, these are not women who frolick with congressmen and host charity galas in their palatial pool houses. These are women who ignore coffee rings on their peeling cream plastic counters while screeching incoherently about what true etiquette really is. They probably don’t even have real lip fillers, I bet they vacuum their lips up shot glasses like the rest of us. Bring on the recap!
We open with a montage of our new friends doing various Housewifey things. Katie tries her best to get signed to a modeling agency while “playing” tennis with Robyn. Karen, looking like a bottle of Pepto Bismol, shakes her hips against a golf club before flailing it around in what I can only assume is a move she thinks is cute. It looks an awful lot like shaking up a Pepto Bismol that’s been sitting in your hot car three summers in a row. Charisse bumbles around her backyard and complains about landscapers and then we scoot right on in to Denise Richards. Oops, I mean Gizelle.
Oh Gizelle. Gizell, Gizelle, Gizelle. How do you expect me to believe that you are a fancy schmantzy housewife living in the most exclusive area in the country when you have FORMICA COUNTERTOPS and WHITE APPLIANCES. LIQUOR BOTTLES DISPLAYED BY THE STOVE! Actually, I’m liking those liquor bottles because they reveal a dirty Housewives editing trick. See that orange bottle? The one that Karen doesn’t bring over until later in the episode? You can try, Andy Cohen, but you ain’t getting nothing past me.
Gizelle’s kitchen is so awful that it totally distracts from her adorable daughters and their unsanitary baking habits (who doesn’t stick as many fingers as they can into the batter?). Grace, Angel and Adore are cute, despite Adore’s unfortunate name, and they seem to get on well with Mama Gizelle.
We get a brief intro to her pastor ex, who is a cheater cheater pumpkin eater and who loved to play hide the sausage in the vestibule after mass (her words, not mine). I think I’m getting my denominations mixed up but you get the point. He guided the sheep with his mighty staff, he parted the lady seas on the reg, he prays to the Father, the Son, and the holy Vagina. Gizelle doesn’t seem bitter at all! Tell us more of your dirty laundry, tell us everything! Judging by these first five minutes I bet we’ll know every pokey hole ever visited by Pastor GenerousDick by the time the finale rolls around.
Y’all I am really struggling to wrap my head around what in the holy hell is happening in this kitchen.
Now we have Katie being escorted out of her Infinity. Maybe it’s a loaner car, maybe it’s her metro boyfriends car (yeah right. He only drives Audi’s, I can tell). It’s time for some fine dining and a closer look at Katie and her boyfriend of one year, Andrew. I love these moments when the new Housewives try to showoff how loving and genuine their relationship is and the guy is bewildered by it all so says every cringeworthy thing that comes to mind. Twue wuve.
Katie loves the white boys and she loves the Jewish boys even more. Andrew was made for this job. She was 4 months pregnant when she left her husband but unlike the other housewives, doesn’t air out all her dirty laundry in a desperate attempt to humiliate him *cough* Gizelle. All Katie wants is for her Jewish boyfriend Andrew to understand that being a socialite is not vapid or stupid, it’s very hard work. It’s like, “totally like prom! But on crack!” Crack is whack, Katie.
Cue the awkward "I’m dying to get married" convo. They’ve texted at least 4 times. Marriage time! And Katie, shes “like, such a catch”. Snatch that snatch quick, Andrew!
Next we visit Robyn and girl, I see that lockbox on your door despite Bravo’s obvious attempts to hide it. Oh lawd. She’s been divorced for three years to the man who is living in her house and who she shares a bed with. Her Bravo bio left out that juicy tidbit. I agree with Gizelle, MOVE OUT! So your ex doesn’t walk in on you lounging in your old wedding dress while you and your friend gossip about him in your hideous sun room.
Despite the total fuckery of sharing a bed with your ex husband, Robyn does have some wise words about her not-divorce: “I guess that’s what happens when you marry somebody in the NBA, instead of with an MBA”. It’s never too late, girl. Just kick the ex to the curb before you start bringing Katie’s rejects into your already occupied bed.
Finally, Grand Dame Karen appears! IN HER DAMN KITCHEN WITH FORMICA COUNTERTOPS. Ok, maybe GD Karen’s aren’t formica but they sure do look cheap as hell and I’m pretty sure her dishwasher was the coolest appliance on the market back in 1983. We chat with GD Karen and Black Bill Gates about gawd knows what because that convo was nowhere near as interesting as their bustled fuchsia curtains.
Seriously, what is going on here? Who buys a million dollar home that looks cheaper than my apartment that I’m afraid to leave past a certain time at night? These are the issues that really get me going, I tell you what. Nothing bothers me more than people who drop bombs of cash on some bomb ass houses and leave the inside looking like an ode to 90’s sitcoms. If you don’t have the money to decorate and remodel than ya didn’t have the money to buy the house in the first place.
All that aside, I am totally buying the snooty cocktail that Karen is selling. Girl, I’d be whining too if I had to climb that mountain up to Gizelle’s haunted house of horrors. Lawd I thought the kitchen was bad. Turns out vomit colored walls, a red leather couch, and zebra accents do not a Better Homes and Garden centerfold make. Also, we know you’re making GD Karen sit on a day bed that you added a few decorative pillows to and called a couch. This 90’s porn set is not the oppulence and splendor I have come to expect from my Housewives.
So 10 years later, after GD Karen completes her quest up the steps, the two enjoy some high tea and talk about how much they don’t like each other. The word etiquette gets thrown around one or twenty times and Gizelle’s eyes turn more and more into gazelle eyes with each utterance. She IS etiquette, all you have to do is look at her tea parlor and see that she is the second coming of Princess Di.
They also chat about their kiddos and GD Karen is keeping her inflated lips closed on which top ten college her daughter Rayvin will be attending. So these are the big secrets they're keeping in DC! But Gizelle's got yo number Karen and she is giving it to everyone! "Everything about Karen is better. You could be the best mother under the sun but mmmm Karen did it better". Gizelle is growing on me y'all, especially when she refers to herself as her ex's pound cake. Aren't we all.
Side note: GD Karen's boobs look like they need to be saved in her interview segments. They are so mushed and squished they reach from her collarbone all the way to her belly button. Boost those ladies up! #freethenipple
Now all you Bravoites know that in this universe, birthdays are a holy event and thank Our Savior Andy Cohen that GD Karen's is no different. The ladies have gathered at a burlesque fancy food place and they don't even wait for the guest of honor before slurping down some vodka. And we finally meet Charisse!
Its a little early but she is my favorite of this bunch. Charisse understands real etiquette, such as waiting for the birthday bitch to arrive before ordering your food. Even if you hated that birthday bitch last week, like Charisse did.
GD Karen finally arrives and oh hell no, Gizelle does not offer the center seat to Her Royal Highness! Etiquette rule #1, Gizelle. When Karen Huger arrives to an event where she is being honored, don't sit in her seat! This comes directly from Master Etiquette Extrodinaire, Grand Dame Karen.
The ladies grill Charisse on living a separate life with her husband, Rutgers basketball head coach Eddie Jordan. Hey, if it works it works. Charisse seems pretty cool with the setup and since I love her, I support her.
Its time for a crab bake, y'all! Charisse is hosting on her granite countertops in her updated kitchen and I swear that has nothing to do with why I love her. Gizelle rolls up with an uninvited guest who promptly makes himself at home and Charisse is having none of it. Gizelle has obvs not read the Book of Etiquette so Charisse responds by putting the freeloader to work boiling crabs. You gotta work for your food, honey!
Can we take this moment to note that even Charisse's backyard bar has granite countertops. Now that is what I'm talking about!
While Charisse gets ready to watch everyone drool over her counters Gizelle and her Uninvited Guest take it upon themselves to break every rule in The Etiquette Book and dig through kitchen drawers, criticize her utensil organization, and boss around the housekeeper. What. The. Hell. Gizelle. Don't think you're big just because you're in an updated kitchen and can see yourself in the reflection of Charisse's perfectly polished refrigerator. THEN they storm into her BEDROOM! After they insinuate that her frozen ice packs are really her frozen vagina pops. Charisse said it best, "don't come into someone's home and assume a level of comfort. Usually its offered." #amen
Partay time! Guests arrive and of course, Gizelle is there to welcome them into the home she'll own once she uncovers the dirty, dirty secrets hidden in Charisse's drawers. Also there are Gizelle's bangs that magically appeared during a commercial break. The bangs talk some smack about Charisse Jordan and thank god that lady has some decent friends because they puts the bangs back in her place real quick. And GD Karen don't stop there. She tells Gizelle just how bad her etiquette is and really rubs it in by gifting her framed etiquette rules.
I should start a drinking game and make "etiquette" the magic word. Double points for "The Etiquette Book".
And with that, we close. Where's Ashley Darby? How long before GD Karen and Charisse hate each other again? Will Robyn's ex ever move out? Only Our Savior Andy Cohen and time will tell.
Katie only dates white guys. Unless you're Russell Simmons.-Gizelle
I don't have a problem with Gizelle. I actually like her! But she's irritating- GD Karen
I didn't come from the cabbage patch. I have a legacy and a pedigree. You grew up on a farm- Gizelle
People come for me all the time. They just don't find me- GD Karen
Bonus ugly Gizelle picture!