The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap S1:E2 Divas, Queens, and Bubalas

the-real-housewives-of-potomac

What up recappers! This week is going to look a little bit different, apparently my soul wasn’t enough and Xfinity decided to take the last shreds of my sanity and dignity. AKA I have no cable or Wi-Fi. A true tragedy, to say the least, but I think the real tragedy was me throwing an all out adult tantrum because I couldn’t watch The Bachelor last night. It had been a VERY long day and something about Xfinity just makes ya snap, ya know? I’m sure the customer service rep loved it when I ended our chat with, “FINE! I’m never watching TV AGAIN!”  Anyways, so this week will be more of a peek into my thoughts during the episode rather than a rehash of all the dramz. So, welcome to the Real Housewives of Potomac in my head!

The look I'm giving Xfinity right now.
If looks could kill...

Last week we were introduced to THE Etiquette Book and were told how to behave. What will we learn this week?

  • Do you think Gizelle is using her mirror frame to rethink those bangs?
  • Holy slit, GD Karen! What are the official rules on flashing your cookie
  • Charisse is still bitching about Gizelle and the uninvited guest. I guess she hasn’t had a week to get over it like I have
  • This clambake seems fun! A family friendly affair for once. Also the perfect place for Gizelle to confront Charisse about the argument they literally just had
Remember that fight we had in the bathroom just now? Let's talk.
Remember that fight we had in the bathroom just now? Let's talk.
  • Robyn, you might want to read up on what choking the chicken means
  • Katie’s kiddos are CUTE! And love hot tubbing, as her son loudly to declared while Robyn was choking her chicken
  • Wait, did Charisse just kick Gizelle out?
  • Was it the bangs?
Well, it wasn't NOT the bangs...
Well, it wasn't NOT the bangs...
  • Etiquette rule #2: don’t gesticulate in GD Karen’s direction, especially if you are a man
  • Also, if Karen don’t know you, you can “check out”.
  • Gizelle’s party eviction is a little ridiculous. A lot redickulous
A lot redickulous
A lot redickulous
  • I like you, Gizelle. We cool now.
  • Looks like the predatory Lez from Scream Queens got a job as Katie’s nanny
  • Three under three? I don’t know how that nanny does it. Although working with Emma Roberts and Lea Michele must have helped
  • But really, is that Predatory Lez?
  • Rabbi Mark comes to chat with the most famous black Jew ever, Katie Rost
  • On the most famous golf course ever, Obama’s, which just so happens to be her backyard cuz she’s Katie Rost
  • Oh, Katie is a bad Jew and hasn’t found Jewish names for her twin girls. That’s why the rabbi is here!
  • Katie sure says Jew a lot
  • While Rabbi Mark is thinking, “Jew really need to get a real job”
  • Rabbi Mark looks appropriately confused at Andrew acting as father in the naming ceremony. Andrew usually wears a matching confused look.
  • Mother of all things Kitchenaid. I’d die a happy woman if I never have to see GD Karen’s kitchen again
  • High maintenance Aunt Dot is coming to visit, bust out the Lipton!
  • GD Karen’s daughter is ADORABLE! The kind of teenager I want my kids to be
  • Etiquette Rule #13: All tea will be served piping hot or it will be returned
  • Karen needs to brush up on her book cuz Dot sent that tea back QUICK
  • Did Aunt Dot put on every accessory in Claire’s before coming over?
  • Blah blah lemme brag about my college educated family blah blah blah

I've been accosted by a bush

I've been accosted by a bush                    

  • That’s a lot of hair and one heck of a pointy chin on this Ashley Darby girl
  •  Is Gizelle wearing lingerie? SHE IS!
Why yes...
Why yes...
This is lingerie
This is lingerie
  • So, Ashley didn’t know any of these women before? I wish I could make friends that easy.
  • Hmm I kinda like Ashley who just stopped mid sentence and said, “WTF am I even saying?!”
  • Ashley wants a Gemini or a Leo baby. I guess that wouldn’t be hard to sort out, all about timing.
  • Errr is it really appropriate to ask a woman if her husband uses Viagra? Find me that in THE Book of Etiquette.
  • Lady humping in public is def not in the book, Ashley Darby.
  • Her hair is just SO BIG! Its beautiful!
  • Robyn’s kids seem to spend most of their time glaring at her. Probably because she won’t buck up and kick their Dad out.
  • Somehow I thought Charisse had two sons. She definitely has at least one daughter.
  • Maybe two. They’re doing gymnastics and flipping around too fast for me to see.
  • Speaking of adorable kiddos, I am obsessed with Gizelle’s girls. They help each other with homework!
  • Their friend advice to mom is to watch her mouth!
  • They think writing passive aggressive letters is stupid!
  • They don’t think you should mention everything your evil friend has ever done wrong!
  • Damn, these girls are smarter than I will ever be.
Her daughters insides are as beautiful as her outsides
Her daughters insides are as beautiful as her outsides
  • Unfortunately even they can’t stop Gizelle from delivering the letters to Charisse and GD Karen via chariot.
  • I am all about Ashley’s pad!
  • Modern, sleek, fun, fancy!
  • Just like her Australian husband.
  • Who looks like some sort of Australian woodland creature.
  • Wait, so they plan the party then pick a charity? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
  • Ashley, girl, you are a THOT. Own it! There can be good THOT’s! I think…
  • Your Ozzie Hubby definitely thinks it’s a good thing; check out how he looks at you!
  • That look could be one of pure disgust, keep in mind I can’t read people to save my cats life.
  • Are those appetizers kosher, Katie?
  • Is dog fur kosher?
  • MOAR cute kids! These women really won the offspring lottery.
  • Rabbi Mark bringing the beats on his guitar.
RabbinMark bringing down the house
RabbinMark bringing down the house
  • The party don’t start until the Rabbi plays Wonderwall!
  • Which they forgot to tell Gizelle because she showed up right in the middle of verse 7. 
  • Gizelle thought she had a 45 min BPT* buffer. Turns out JPT** means you start early.

*BPT= Black People Time

**JPT= Jewish People Time

Gizelle is all of us during this scene
Gizelle is all of us during this scene
  • Most delicious fiancé in the whole world? Rabbi Mark! What a way with words you have!
  • So Katie calls Andrew her fiancé only to scare away the other swamp creatures?
  • Wait, WE’RE the swamp creatures? I don’t even want Andrew, you can keep him!
  • I feel like I might offend some people with these recaps, this racial religion stuff can get tricky.
  • Why are these women hiding from their white side? We’re not all socks and sandals!
  • Seriously though, don’t you dare even mention that they are biracial.
  • Time for Gizelle to kiss ass!
You want me to kiss who's ass?
You want me to kiss who's ass?
  • For what, I am not entirely sure. But a driver and fancy lunch would win me over in a hot second.
  • Charisse and GD Karen are not so easy. Remind me never to piss them off.
  • Did Gizelle murder their kittens in a deleted scene last episode? What unforgivable crime did she commit to deserve such contempt?
  • Okay. So GD Karen is one of those who accuses any man who doesn’t kiss her freshly wiped ass of attacking her.
  • You don’t need these bitches, Gizelle. You’re better than them.
  • Hell no! Did Charisse really just snarl in her brattiest voice and snap at Gizelle?
  • You know, that voice you put on when imitating someone you hate?
  • Gizelle is right, if you don’t want to sit here than leave! #byebitch
  • WHAT! DID KAREN JUST SAY GIZELLE PIMPED HER KIDS OUT TO WRITE THAT APOLOGY LETTER!
  • So angry. Can’t type.
  • Gizelle wrote you an apology letter, hand delivered said letter, got a car to pick you up, and treated you to fancy lunch. All in the name of an apology!
  • Of course these women don’t think her apology was sincere enough.
Fade out, Gizelle. Fade out.
Fade out, Gizelle. Fade out.
  • Grr grr grr I am so angry for Gizelle! Don’t let them treat you like that!
  • Charisse, I had your back, girl. Then you went and threw it all away. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

I’m going to go chug a bottle of wine now. See you next week!

Winning quotes:

My dear friend Charisse is throwing a fabulous party in Potomac. Unfortunately my other friend Gizelle is showing her ass at it -Karen

I really want to impress Rabbi Mark. I want him to understand that I'm not just a bagel and cream cheese Jew, I'm really Jewish! -Katie

Black women don't hump each other like that. She spent way too much time around white people  -Robyn

We have a whole schlong of cocktails here -Ashley

I've been accosted by a big bush -Gizelle

That Ho Over There. That Ashley Over There. -Gizelle #shadysunday indeed

Sometimes your friends can be your worst nightmare -Angel or Adore with a truth bomb