This is it, the season finale of Game of Thrones; rumour has it we lose someone important. I even signed out of social media during, there's a lot of spoilery bastages out there (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), and one single image could wreck the whole thing (LIKE HOUSE OF CARDS). Rolling the Winds of Winter after the break:
Ohhhhh Previously On reminds me, what's going on with those murderous ladies in Dorne, and ohhh we got to see Ned Stark for a moment, sigh.
SO MUCH is gonna happen tonight, Veronica!! What are you looking forward to finding out about the most?? I wanna see that dirty old High Buzzard get dipped in bleach on his way to somewhere pokey.
Cersei is going to balance the books tonight, mark my words. I'm indifferent to what happens to Tommen, but worried for the Tyrells. I have heard that Bran makes an appearance so fingers crossed for more Tower of Joy visions! We are so close to seeing what is happening in that tower! Other than that I think Dany will set sail, hopefully with a lot of chunder buckets. I would love an Arya/Jon reunion but she's probably too far away still.
Cersei waits alone, overlooking Westeros as the bell tolls for her trial; everyone dresses in their finest (sackcloth for the High Sparrow) and the contrast is quite striking. I know it's not wise, but I am SUPER happy Margaery isn't boning her baby-faced hubs.
Ah Ser Loras of the Flowers, he looks so awful. Margaery exchanges a look with her simpleton father. I am praying to the old gods and the new that Olenna's got a mutherhumping PLAN. Grand Maester Pycelle is doing his usual, stiffing prostitutes two ways. I do love to see nekkid chubby people onscreen. Just not HIS chubby bum. A small child stops him on the way to the trial, is this one of the little birds? Is this to do with the rumour that was something more? IS IT? Veronica??
Qyburn does spent a lot of time underground in Kings Landing, and he and his little birds have been busy of late. I smell a trap. So I'm thinking wildfire down below, and no, I don't mean in Maester Pycelle's baggy underpants.
Ah at least they've washed and shorn Ser Loras, even without his gorgeous locks he looks better deloused. Loras isn't risking a trial, he confesses everything immediately. He has lain with men, including Renly (aww I miss Renly) and he accepts whatever punishment the gods deem necessary.
The gods' judgement can be fierce but the Mother shows her mercy to those who kneel before her and DO NOT KNEEL, LORAS!! He will kill you!! The High Sparrow is going to have Ser Loras beheaded, isn't he?? GET UP!! Get ready Margaery!! Ah but he lives, he denounces his title, his claim on Highgarden, he will never marry or father children and instead will spend his life serving the Seven. The High Sparrow accepts his lifetime of servitude (which sounds a LOT like joining the Night's Watch, but slightly warmer) and motions the Faith Militant forward to cut the sigil in his forehead. That's what I hear happened, anyway, I'm not watching forehead carving, you, Veronica? Pfft.
Daddy Tyrell can't take it either, breaking ranks and trying to stop them, but is stopped by Margaery "faith is the way, Father" and PLEASE tell me someone has a plan to get these wily Tyrells's OOT of here!?!
Tommen's having a little bit of trouble making his way down to the Sept, first lollygagging in his room looking all pale as shite, but then The Mountain is there in the doorway, looking extry creepy, if awesomely camouflaged against the door. He stops the babyKing from leaving his room.
Margaery is furious; the High Sparrow promised her! But yes, Loras will be free to go right after the Queen Mother's trial. Where is the Queen Mother anyway? How ridiculous that they're still using these same titles when there is absolutely no power attached to them at all. Might as well call someone Her Royal Highness, The Sassafrass, it would mean as much.
Cersei is drinking wine in her room because of course she is; a few of the Faith are dispatched to dig her out of the Red Keep, headed by Lancel. He is spooked by a small child running away from his direction, hmmm. Is Cersei going to pull down the Sept and that's why these certain people are kept safe? Praise be to Jeebus, let it be so, Veronica. I predict a spiritual cleansing, as soon as I saw The Mountain in Tommen's doorway, I thought we're about to have another Red Wedding, but of the religious kind.
Cersei keeping Tommen from leaving is a major indicator that something HUGE is about to go down. How did Lancel go from that beautiful, bumbling fool to someone so harsh and unyielding? Watch the birdie, Lancel.
Lancel follows the running child as Grand Maester Pycelle is led into a dark room in the dungeon; Qyburn waits with a smirk on his rat-like visage. Pycelle turns to see the small child with a knife in hand. Then a small army of small children with small knives and it gets very GURGLY all of a sudden. Did.not.watch.
Lancel is similarly stabbed in the back by the small child he was following, what the hell?? What's with all the wee murdering kiddos?? Everyone waits in the Sept impatiently while Lancel begins to drag himself down the tunnel. What's with all the wee bloodthirsty hooligans, Veronica? There must be significance to the single stab of Lancel, where is he being drawn? When does everyone in the Sept die??
The little birds have gone from the caring Varys, who provided them with education and protection, to Qyburn who has led them down a different path altogether. The job description seems to have changed from information to mutilation in recent times. Perhaps Qyburn has access to different sweets? I know I would cut a biotch for a sherbet bomb some days.
I think the single stab is to keep Lancel alive long enough to witness whatever the hell is about to go down.
Margaery absolutely knows something is up, she doesn't want to hear about the bloody gods, Cersei isn't there and since there is no way Cersei doesn't know the consequences of those actions, and since Tommen isn't there EITHER, they need to GTFO. Like, NOW. The High Sparrow does NOT believe. BAI BUZZARD!
Heeeeeyyyyy, wasn't Rhaegar the Terrible stockpiling Wildfire underneath the castle to rain down fire on everyone? Could that be the rumour?? Could Cersei be planning to have Lancel inadvertently set those off with the torch he's so helpfully dragging along next to his useless legs??
Ohmigod that's exactly what it is (we're mutherhumping GENIUSES in this house!!) Lancel's been led into a room full of barrels with a puddles of wildfire (geniuses except I don't think that's what it's called, soooo) with lit candles in the middle. Oooh, he knows all right, dragging himself as fast as he can as Margaery makes a run for it.
The Faith aren't allowing anyone to leave, Margaery is trapped alongside everyone else as the High Sparrow looks finally scared. And then Lancel fails...the wildfire is ignited and absolutely everyone who participated in this sham of a religion is obliterated in a cloud of green death. Oh mein gott. VERONICA DID YOU SEE THAT????? I literally had my mouth open for more than a full minute, with my arms in the air like a distressed T-Rex. That was INSANE.
Shit yeah! I guess Loras and Margaery won't be smizing anywhere anymore, but I can almost accept their deaths in return for that of the High Sparrow and his minions. You know you're in too deep with Game of Thrones when the cheering for a hated character being blown to smithereens totally throws other characters demises into the shadows. Margaery creeped me out with her many related husbands anyway, and she was never a real match for Cersei.
I can't believe all the Tyrells save Lady Olenna have been wiped off the face of the earth, thank the sweet baby fishies she was sent away first. Do NOT mess with Cersei, yo.
The Queen Mum herself watches the explosion from far away in the Red Keep, smirking and raising her glass in a silent toast to the obliterated High Sparrow. Tommen looks devastated, there goes his Mummy-wife.
Ohhhh, just for funzies, Cersei has kept Septa Unella for torturing herself, pouring wine over her face and taunting "confess". You can see the people Cersei really hated died in pain, like Lancel, like Grand Maester Pycelle, soon to be Septa Unella. But why the Maester? He seemed just your average garden-variety yerk, nothing special? Do you know, Veronica?
Maybe one too many farts at the High Council table? Pycelle was always pretty tight with the Lannisters and Cersei, I think their main problem was Qyburn and his resurrecting The Mountain. Pycelle also stood back with her Uncle Kevan and watched Cersei's walk of atonement, both of them totally disgusted with her. I think that was the moment Cersei starting lining up her enemies.
Septa Unella has sorted out what she's up against, as more and more wine is poured on her face as Cersei accuses her of sadism; she understands. She likes to feel good too, like when she drinks wine, or killed her husband, or enjoys Jamie's manliness in her wobbly bits; it's all good stuff *herk*. Meanwhile, she's rubbing the Septa, who is about to not feel so good, I'm guessing.
So. There we have it, Cersei HAS done a full confession, it feels good too! She has never had a greater joy than imagining the shock and pain of the High Sparrow and all his wee birds and the Faith. And I was wrong above, there's still that one member of the Faith left! For a little while, anyway.
Cersei reminds Septa Unella; remember when I told you my face would be the last you saw? Septa Unella has never been more ready to meet the gods, sign her up, take her pass! But it will not be today, no, Cersei laughs, Unella isn't going to die TODAY, silly bird. Oh. And this is Ser Gregor Clegane, she introduces. He enters, TAKING OFF HIS HELMET, and approaching Septa Unella's slab. He'll be keeping her company.
Cersei leaves, saying "Shame. Shame. Shame" as the Septa screams and I try to sort out whether that was supposed to be rapey or just regular torture. I really am glad they left that somewhat ambiguous, they don't always on this show. What do you think, Veronica? Break a Bone A Day Camp, or a one way trip to sexual assault? I just didn't see the point of removing the helmet otherwise, unless to frighten her more?
I don't think there was any sexual assault involved in that, I think he's just going to crush her bones one by one. Not about removing the helmet, that ugly mug leering over you can hardly make things worse. My screen was rather dark but his face looked so much like Robert Baratheon right then.
Tommen can't believe his Mummy-wife is gone; he's also been locked in his room, so without any further ado, he takes off his crown carefully and walks directly out the window. WHAT IS GOING ON??
Oh Tommen, if only Mumsy had poisoned you during the Battle of the Blackwater as she planned. So much heartache, and you didn't even get to experience your voice breaking.
Jamie and Bronn are dining with windbag murderer Walder Frey (well, really, at this point, who ISN'T a murderer?); damnit. I really want Walder and his family to get theirs, but I don't want Bronn dead. Jamie could be maimed, I'd be okay with that, the jerk. Bronn's frustrated at Jamie's success with the ladies, a serving wench he was eyeing up eyeing up Jamie in response. "You don't even have to do anything, do you? Just sit there. A rich slab of beef and the birds come pecking." Jamie's not even paying attention, saying Bronn can have at 'er, go ahead, but Bronn knows he hasn't a chance, "it's your golden fingers she wants up her twat" and I laughed for ages at that and I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe nerves. Was that funny, Veronica or am I just blinded by Bronn's good looks? Jamie points out two other ladies looking in their direction, would they like to know Ser Bronn of Blackwater? Bronn tries to pout, maybe he's not in the mood! But relents, boobs, fcuk it.
Bronn is hilarious no matter what he says, even though all I could think of during this bit was how cold Jamie's golden hand would be. Or would he warm it first? Man, I need help.
Walder takes the opportunity to slide in next to Jamie, he's put Edmure back in a cell, can't kill his son-in-law, would be bad for the family name! Er. He mocks the "legendary warrior" Blackfish, killed by common foot soldiers and you know...we didn't actually see that. Could he, like the Hound, be still alive?
SPOILER ALERT - he escapes in the book. But there's no need for him right now, I think someone else might be around to take care of the Freys. He could be a Lannister prisoner, and they also have Edmure again. Ammunition to use against the Starks later?
Jaime asks if Walder did much sword fighting back in the day? Well, he owns Riverrun which belonged to the Tullys for a thousand years, what do you call that? Victory. He goes on to compare himself to Jaime as a fellow Kingslayer (alllllls the eye rolls). Fear is a marvellous thing, he says, but Jaime stops him there: "we gave you the Riverlands to hold the Riverlands, if we have to ride north to take them back for you every time you lose them, what do we need you for?" *stunned silence*
Cersei wants to see Tommen's body (NO FANKS), Qyburn wants to know what she wants to do for a funeral? She wants him burned and his ashes buried where the Sept stood, where his grandfather, sister, brother (and stepdad!) were laid to rest. Guuuurl. She's cold as ice. We always knew Tommen was doomed, being her spawn, but that seems extry chilly. Did you think that was cold, or just TCOB, V?
All I saw with this glimmer of madness in Cersei's eyes. She has full on lost the plot and is beginning her descent into madness. There was no real shock at his death, she believed the prophecy that he would die, just not by her hand. Except, she was totally the reason behind his suicide. Cersei has switched off that part of herself now, there's no turning back.
Samwell yay! He and Gilly have arrived within sight of the Citadel, he comes in to sign up, TRYING to hand over the letter from Lord Commander Jon Snow but his belly gets in the way. He's the new Maester! Yerky Maester in charge does not recognise the Lord Snow's command, he has Jeorah Mormont as the head of the Night's Watch? Good god, what was that, like ten seasons ago? And lovely Maester Aemon (the turtle) couldn't send word either, since he died right after the election. He was like 400 years old.
Maester Yerk says this is irregular, Samwell counters that life is irregular, but Yerk is not convinced. The archmaester will discuss these irregularities with him. In the meantime, he can use the library. Woo hoo says Samwell! Women and children whut? Who cares, he has books!! And he runs off leaving Gilly and Sam Jr. all alone in the great hall of the Citadel. Um, SAM. I DO NOT LIKE THE MUSIC HERE. I am hoping it's meant to show his appreciation of the unreal glorious beauty of the library he's in and not a sign of his imminent death. Please?
Sam is sporting a total book boner right now.
Jon is in Winterfell as a white raven soars above; his family used to sit at this table in the great hall for feasts, while he sat... over there. It could have been worse, Melisandre reminds him, you had family, you had feasts (even if your mother wasn't the most warm or welcoming character...) ooooh just then, Ser Davos throws her the the carved wooden stag from Princess Shireens's funeral pyre, oh let's get rid of ALL the religious fanatics on this show!! Jon wants to know what it is?
Davos makes her explain and he makes me cry: he loved Shireen, she was good, she was kind and he loved her like his own. Oh Ser Onion, I'm so sorry. He makes her explain exactly how and why the Princess Shireen was murdered and then he asks Jon for permission to execute her. Melisandre swears she can help Jon against the Night King, but really, the holdup is that Jon owes her his life, so he sends her away, saying if she returns North again, he'll have her hanged as a murderer. Ser Davos vows to kill her himself if he ever sees her again. She rides away. What say you, Veronica, was that fair? Jon's kind of a mook, he really wanted to have her executed, but muddled it up by being reborn by her and then couldn't, but he's not using her expertise either, so that was completely giving away a free agent for no money on his contract, amirite?
Eh, not sure what will come of this. Thinking way ahead, I think she'll team up with the Brotherhood without Banners. Maybe resurrect some people, I would still love Lady Stoneheart, but I'm not sure who would become her. I am also keeping Gendry in the back of my mind, the true heir to the Baratheon throne. Melisandre knows about him, and I'm pretty sure he's still doing laps of Westeros. Pitting him against the Starks in a North vs South battle would be pretty epic.
Also, Azor Ahai is the main man for followers of R'hlorr. Inneresting.
Jon and Sansa are up on the Ramparts, he's having the Lord's chamber prepared for her. She protests, it should be his room now, but he's not a Stark. He is to her, though. She saved the day with the Knights of the Vale, without her there would be no Winterfell held by Starks again, bastards or no. Does she trust Littlefinger after he sold her into slavery to the Boltons? "Only a fool would trust Littlefinger" and TRUE THAT. That was just a chess move by Lord Petyr of the Vale, I don't even think he ever loved anyone, even Catelyn.
He loved Catelyn, but he never got over the humiliation of losing the duel with Brandon Stark, her first fiance. It made him realise he could never win by violence, and I think all his machinations since then have been his way of saving face. His love for Catelyn turned to obsession and that has transferred over to Sansa. He's a messed up little man, but he's learnt that there are other ways to win, and he's going to try for what he wants no matter the cost.
Resting Emo Face Snow ponders his sister while she apologizes, she should have told him that another army was coming to help. They hug it oot, they have to be able to trust each other. Oh, and a white raven came from the Citadel: winter is here. AND JON SMILES!! Father always said that would happen! Winters are different here, aren't they, Veronica? Only one every few hundred years?
They are totally unpredictable, it's been Summer in Westeros for at least nine years, the longest for a while. The coming Winter is predicted to be the worst since the Long Night, a generation long Winter during the time of the First Men. The Long Night saw the birth of the wights, and the defeat of them by Azor Ahai. The very Azor Ahai that prophecy tells will be reborn. But who is it? I'm leaning more towards Dany than Jon, but it really could be quite a few people.
Lady Olenna is in Dorne and if those skanky Sand Sisters lay one finger on her... so help me Lord of Light... Lady Olenna shuts them down immediately, let the grown women speak. Ellaria offers her an alliance, they need to unite against the Lannisters. Lady Olenna doesn't want security, Cersei Lannister has stolen her future, her son, her grandson, her granddaughter (her voice breaks slightly at that ahhh Lady Olenna) though, so Ellaria apologizes for her choice of words, she meant Vengeance, of course. She rings a bell and out walks Lord Varys, offering "fire and blood." Hmmm hmmhmm hmm hmmm. Is he offering an all-female alliance with Dany, Ellaria, Yara and Lady Olenna as some kind of super-charged new world order? The women on this show are BADASS.
Speaking of badass women, Dany's giving Daario his marching orders. He's to stay in Meereen and keep the peace while the formers slaves choose their own leaders and oh my god, it's JUST NOW becoming real for me: Dany's actually going to go to Westeros!! But he's not, she will have to make compromises in the new world, and that will probably involve marriage. He doesn't care, and he doesn't want to stay in Meereen. "Fcuk Meereen." He wants to be her mistress or somefing like that, he just wants HER and accuses Tyrion of coming up with the plan to get rid of him. But she can't bring her toyboy and she knows it, telling him he will be left specific orders for the Bay of Dragons (previously Slaver's Bay); "Farewell Daario Neharis" and awwww
In the pyramid, Tyrion waits with wine, it was indeed his idea to send away Daario, asking how he took it? Heeey, do you think Tyrion could want to marry her? He congratulates her for the kind of strong ruler who would turn away someone who actually loves her because he would be a liability in the 7 kingdoms. Ooooh and he's as excited as I am to see it's really happening! "You're in the great game now. And the great game is terrifying." ALL THE SHIVERS!!
Dany is frightened because she felt nothing when she sent away Daario, just impatient to have it done. Tyrion advises her, Daario won't be the last to love her. Tyrion the Cynic, who has believed in nothing and scoffed at faith and was a skeptic until... he met Dany. He believes in her. He has no sword to pledge, but she has his counsel, as long as she wants it. She has had something made for him, it's an iron badge; she pins it on and dubs him the Hand of the Queen. Tyrion and I get all teary and then he kneels. MOAR TEARS. That's a beautiful shot.
I think Tyrion LUBS her lubs her. You could see it in his eyes, and there was a small twinkle in hers as well. Now hear me out, Cersei goes mental, Jamie kills her and then himself as per Maggie the Frog's prophecy. Tyrion is the only Lannister left alive and claims the throne. He and Dany marry and unite the Lannisters and the Targaryens once more. Jon is revealed to be a Targaryen too and he, Dany and Tyrion are the three headed dragon. There's also the rumour that Tyrion is a Targaryen by birth too, but that just makes that family tree way too complicated.
Walder Frey is eating his dinner alone, being served by the young lady who couldn't keep her eyes off Jaime. He gooses her, where are his damn sons?? They were supposed to be here by midday, to have lunch with him! But they are here, the serving wench says. "Where?" asks a confused Walder, "here, my lord" rotating his steak and kidney pie at him. He pulls up the top crust gingerly and gasps as he sees a finger. "They weren't easy to carve" says the serving wench, and pulls off her face. She wants Walder Frey to know it's her, Arya Stark, and that's what he'll be looking at as he dies, into the face of a Stark. I TOLD you the women were the real deal on this show! They're the ones that get shite DONE. Also: I totally watched his entire death scene, he got exactly what he deserved. She looks so happy and at peace after, but that hardens.
Totally watched every precious drop of blood flow out of Walder Frey's turkey gobbler neck. A girl is checking off that list.
The snow is falling as Sansa sits under a tree; Littlefinger approaches, but he doesn't want to interrupt her if she's praying? She's done with all that, fanks, but he presses closer. She knows what he wants; well, she thought she did, but she was wrong. Oh but that was what he wanted all along; he has a picture in his head and every single decision he makes, he thinks of that picture and if this or that move will help or hinder making that a reality. If yes, only then will he move. He presses ever closer, that picture is him on the Iron Throne, with her at his side and then he moves in for a kiss. She stops him, it's a pretty picture but she isn't interested.
He swears, he's declared himself for House Stark loud and clear for anyone to hear, but she laughs. He's declared for other houses, hasn't he? (and sold her into the worst kind of slavery to the worst kind of sadist) It hasn't stopped him from doing whatever is best for himself. He tries to drive a wedge between her and Jon, saying she should be the leader of the North, but she's caught on to his ways now, leaving him alone in the wood.
Veronica; okay, I absolutely get the Littlefinger love now, gurl. When he pressed forward, I don't think I breathed until she walked away.
I'll fight you for him.
BenJen is leaving Bran and Meera at the wall, he cannot pass. Incantations and spells have been carved into it as protection and now he will leave. He wishes Bran and friend good fortune, 30 seconds later Bran passes out face-first into the snow. It's time to fly with him as the Three Eyed Raven.
We're back with a young Ned Stark and screams coming from the tower, Bran follows Ned up the stairs to Lyanna's room. She's COVERED in blood from the belly down and they missed each other! And she doesn't want to die. She whispers in Ned's ear, he has to promise he won't tell Robert, and he needs to protect the baby. So. This is the wee Jon Snow. Who's the father?? Rhaegar? Not Robert Baratheon, clearly, who, VERONICA??
We are assuming Rhaegar, it has to be. There is more to Jon Snow than just being a true Stark, he is the Ice and Fire. I have to add, I bawled my eyes out at this bit. Baby Jon! Same dopey face!
The Knights of the Vale want to go home; the battle's over, they won, winter is coming and all that, chop chop, cheerio, see you later. Lady Mormont has HAD it with these yellow-bellied non-supporters of the King in the North, she stands up and gives a rousing speech, calling out Lord Manderley, Lord Glover and Lord Cerwyn, who have pledged allegiance to House Stark but failed to answer Jon's plea for men when it counted. Jon has avenged the Red Wedding and as one after another pledge their families in continued support for fights to come, Littlefinger grows more and more discomfited. Sansa, sitting next to Jon in front of a thousand men (or at least 62) chanting "The King in the North" waving their swords about notices his grim countenance and looks wary. Littlefinger is his most dangerous when he is thwarted, and he was hoping to champion Sansa as the Queen of the North, not the bastard Jon Snow.
If only Jorah had balls the size of his cousin Lyanna, he'd never have been in that Friendzone. I cried here too. Fcuk King Jon, long live Queen Lyanna Mormont!
Jaime arrives home to see the destruction of the Sept and Cersei holding court, he watches as she walks up and sits on the iron throne. He looks deeply skeptical and she has a lot to 'splain when he makes his way back to her chambers. She sees him watching and stares at him, this will be a ugly, ugly talk later. He may think her ambition got the best of her.
Mad Queen Cersei is in the building. Hide yo wildfire!
Theon and Yara are sailing with ship after ship of Unsullied, iron born and presumably queasy Dothrakis. The dragons fly above, chaperoning this caravan of destroyers bent on making Westeros kneel. Dany and Tyrion are leading the charge, of course, looking all brave and salt-water moistened. And we're oot for another year. DANG IT. Until next time, thanks so much for reading along with Veronica and I, it's been a magic season. Cheers!
Holy moly, I think a need a cigarette. So much payoff this season!