Gigolos S6:E1 Popping Melons Recap

GS S6 E1

This is it! I've been waiting forEVER for Showtime to bring Gigolos back, and as of St. Patrick's Day, they DID! I found this show as a totally guilty pleasure through The Soup, so I blame my addiction on Joel McHale. As do we all. Let's see what's going on with the boys in the buff at Cowboys4Angels

We have a new opening montage and everything! It's weird how they make the guys say the same thing they said in the first season. It sounds so rehearsed and stagey now. Anyway, new scenes include desert photos, more ladies, our returning sex workers: tattooed Nick Hawk, leathery built oompa-loompa-coloured Brace, exactly the same Vin Armani, faux hippe Ash and cruel-lipped tramp-stamped Bradley Lords. Other scenes involve a monkey, WWE and go-carting!

Thrash metal shows us the guys looking very suave and de-boner driving to the desert photo shoot, it looks hot AND windy, so yaaaayy. Vin hates photo shoots almost as much as he hates monogamy, both give him dry heaves, let's see how he does. Oh! We should do pics!

Garren is the pimp manager in the middle, he's running the shoot and looks exactly like a hella tall aging boy-bander, hey?

First date of the night! It's Ash, aww man, boring sex-a-apoolza. He puts me to sleep, what with all the massage and eye-staring (sah tantric), and he ALWAYS says "I just want to eat you" every.single.time. The ladies love him, though, tall dark, handsome and full of shite (that last one may just be me). His date is Samantha, a divorcee:

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Now, it may seem strange that I am doing this show, given that it's not my usual fare, but I am so pro-(consensual)banging it's almost embarrassing, for reals, and I also love that they show women of all sizes naked on this show. I think they need to show more naked bodies other than just the conventionally attractive ones we normally see plus Lena Dunham (girl needs a break, she's been representing for the 13-pounds-over gang for AGES!), but I am okay with seeing those too, because we also see the men in the altogether, AND the women are absolutely not being coerced or manipulated at all here. They here to bone. My favourite was when a redhead hired Bradley and then wouldn't let him talk; she didn't want to hear about his life,his dog, his anything else; she was there to throw down. AMEN SISTER!

Samantha has been single for 6 years, but prior to that was married for 10. She says it felt very long (dog years) by the end, and explains that having a sexless marriage can be very difficult, especially if you really love that other person, and you're married and all. I've heard that. Her and her husband were born-again Christians and didn't have pre-maritial sex, but you know what? Even that can't save you sometimes, things change. Sometimes over time, other times... immediately. There are no guarantees with sex, unless you're paying, Sweet Cheeks and even then it can be wicket hard to get a refund.

They joke around and check their chemistry (and the cheque clearing) but she needs to talk; she tells us that she hired a gigolo because she has been a HEWER since she got divorced and this just completes the circle. Hahahahaha. I like Samantha!

They talk about women having sexual desires and Ash says women have MORE and duh. I'm distracted by the puffiness under his eyes, though, has he had more work done? His eyes are looking smaller because of all the swelling. Anyway, sorry, he talks about ancient tribal warfare, where male tribes would continuously attack tribes that were female-led, which he thinks still happens, to a certain extent: men trying to control women out of fear. He almost cries while we watch his teeny tiny yellow booty shorts bounce around on top of Samantha.

Throwdown time! Not much PG-13 to say, but they have a good time and there's hair pulling and natural bewbs and high fives all around. Samantha says all women should treat themselves thusly; these guys actually know what they're doing.

The boys are having drinks and looking at Nick's new tattoos, he got a honeycomb right next to his ear, he smirks and says it's a reminder to "be me." Pause. That's deep, man, says Vin! He's always good at smoothing things over, especially with Brace and Nick, who are always saying ridiculous things. They have a hard time leading into the scripted stuff, but Vin is a MASTER.

Vin bursts out with it; he has a date with a little person and Brace wants to know about their pies! Do they have tiny little pies? It took me a full beat to realise he was talking about vaginas, Brace, come on! He complains that the women he's dating keeping saying he's bottoming out, which he explains to us thusly: when you have a long penis, and you hit "bottom", meaning there's no more room for your little Brace, women complain and you're stuck with the rest of your junk above sea level. Or something like that Brace, come ON! If you're bottoming out (we've seen his drilling equipment), you're doing it wrong. The boys counsel Brace that baginas are very resilient and he says yeah! They pop out little melons and I THINK he means children and I'm going to have to leave the discussion at this point.

Next date! Cocktail waitress Becky

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has hired Nick Hawk to wrestle with her; she digs his MMA background. He's got his brown belt in ju-jitsu and loves to teach (but HATES to lose) women how to defend themselves, so he takes her through some takedowns. He asks if anyone else is stopping by...and that's code for: are we humping in the ring? And she says she's rented it by the hour, which means HELLZ YEAH WE'RE HUMPING IN THE RING!

Nick interviews that the fighting and the physical activity, it all leads to an explosion of sexual sexiness. Sexy.sexiness. And this the face he makes, so he at least is aware of how he sounds.

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If sheepish wore Axe BodySpray

He does have a much higher IQ than all of that would leave you to believe, which simultaneously made me side-eye IQ tests AND Gigolos. I mean.

Sexual sexiness sexy times! She's completely covered in welts, what's that? They go through a bunch of athletic-looking positions and meh. I don't like his scenes because they're very much all about Nick Hawk: the only foreplay he does is driving his schlong down someone's throat and he actually put Becky in a real Full Nelson because?

The guys are meeting with author Scotty Bowers, who wrote Full Service

Scotty Bowers

about being a gigolo in Hollywood in the 40s. They call him the Godfather of Gigolos but he sounds like a straight-up P.I.M.P. He tells the tale of how he and the gigolo business started, buncha former marines hanging around a gas station after WWII. They ask who the most famous people he knew were, and he throws Kathryn Hepburn under the p*ssy-eating bus. Sexuality is a spectrum, yo, and I don't think we need to know where someone sits on the Kinsey (sliding) scale unless they want us to. It's not gonna matter anyway, I have fanfic and a GREAT imagination to keep me warm either way. Also, Desi Arnaz liked to roll four hookers deep and then it gets weird...Anyway... He says he's still working and Imma call HELLA bullshit on that. Group hug!

Vin is meeting his little person date at a Brazilian Steakhouse, she's Nikky

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She's from Seattle (like Samantha!) and all tattooed and Vin is NERVOUS. He cops to it, which she finds endearing and empowering and I can see that. She has a tough time with guys. There's a lot of men seeking her out as a fetish thing, not wanting to make love to her as Nikky, but to get freaky with a little person and we both get a little teary at that. They seem to get along pretty well and I'm just now remembering that I said we get to see all shapes and sizes of women on here.

She has over 40 scars from surgeries and she covered them with tattoos and that's lovely! They bang the gong slowly and Vin confesses that he was called a "Tacky Kisser" in middle school and he spent YEARS overcoming that insecurity and it must be said: Vin is the BEST at foreplay of all the guys. I know this session was probably chosen and hyped because of her dwarfism, but it's a really nice scene and I forgot about her size until after. She feels beautiful and that is just the whole damn point, isn't it?

We oot! Another round of men and women with gratified egos and messy ginch, success! See you next week, you hosers!

All pics are screenshots, with the exception of the top, which is from Showtime.