I heard we’re going to Japan on Girls this week! Just so you know, I am totally picturing Lost in Translation and will be happy with no less. NO PRESSURE, GIRLS!! Er, this may be NSFW

So far this season, Fran has moved in with Hannah and Elijah, Marnie may have married a reluctant Desi, Shosh moved to Japan for the only marketing job in the WORLD apparently, Jessa and Adam are fcuking around and I do NOT like them together and their stupid mutual masturbation scenarios, Tad got some random internet tail and Elijah met Corey Stoll!!! I mean Dill Harcourt (this name? really?) and I CANNOT WAIT until they make out on the proper!! We ready?? Let’s roll!

We open with Shosh in her Japanese apartment…it looks a lot like her New York one ‘cept for the awesome alarm clock. Everything is so adorable, though!! From the colourful circular apartment exteriors to the Hello Kitty headphones (for a grown woman yet. Huh), everything is bite sized and cutesy and awwww. We watch her move through her office and Shosh is just so elementally Shosh, even in Japan

Hannah and Fran are discussing a possibly amazing (Fran’s opinion) and maybe super pompous seven-year-old ahole (Hannah’s judgement) Travvy by looking at his picture, oops, Hannah slips to the next picture, which is of a completely naked slim woman. Bewbs under 4 minutes again!

She confronts him immediately about the bunches of “rando naked women” on his phone, he calls Private! And ex-gfs. And gimme my phone back! He says he uses the picture to masturbate and oh man. This will not go well. Why not use porn like a normal, human male?? ask Hannah, but he thinks porn is degrading and drugs and coercion.

Jerking it to exes is wayyy more morally satisfying I guess. Hannah wants him to just have one donor to his Spank Bank: her, but he says her naked pics are just too goofy and if she doesn’t break up with this asshole immediately, I will.

Shosh sooo has a crush on adorable Yoshi, he looks super young but asks how her pleasure was this weekend, so he has potential!

They eyecuddle like crazy and Shosh goes off to a group bath with a bunch of nekkid women. Girls weren’t fucking around when they said it was Boobs and Cake Night this episode, were they? The two Japanese ladies with Shosh tease her about Yoshi and tell her she talks fast. Then they MeanGirl shit-talk her in Japanese while Yoshi is over on the male side of the nekkid pools talking to his bros about whether Shosh really even HAS a boyfriend. His friends are super helpful, calling America a “country of sluts” who just say “hello and lets fuck, hello and let’s fuck” and since Shosh hasn’t made a move, she must not be that into him. Yoshi is confused

 

They see each other after the baths and there is moar eye-cuddling, leaving Yoshi even moar confused.

We’re with Marnie and Desi somewhere tropical for their honeymoon, she’s skyping with Hannah about Fran’s pics while Desi is showing us his ass in the shower. So I guess they did it, they actually got married, even if they think that maybe “monogamy is a construct.” Marnie says it doesn’t matter who Fran chokes his chicken to and Hannah does not understand; who is this?? Put Marnie on?? Marnie says Ecuador has been an eye-opener, but she says it like “E-KWUA-dor” so I hate the new her too!

I SAW DESI’S JUNK IN THE SHOWER AND NOW I GET IT

 

And now Hannah saw it too. She hangs up.

Shosh’s boss, Abigail, Skypes her; oh no it’s not good news either. She’s being “managed out” and has to come home. Sonuva

Hannah didn’t get the answer she wanted from Marnie, so she’s been reduced to pedaling her outrage to Ray. He also doesn’t understand and WHAT’S DIFFICULT ABOUT THIS?? She doesn’t want her current boyfriend thinking about his ex-girlfriends sexually. And he kept the pictures and THAT is BULLSHIT. ALSO, telling her her pictures aren’t good enough, I mean. Plus his anti-porn stance

She finally lays it out: she’s worked hard to overcome her body image challenges and here’s Fran, telling her he’d rather abuse himself to women “who don’t even have any interesting fat deposits” and that’s the crux right there. The answer is apparently for Hannah to pose for naked pics for Ray and I may need a tiny minute because of how angry I am getting at a fictional situation. Elijah helps: imagine cake is coming!!

 

Shosh is drinking with her Japanese friends who ask her why doesn’t she stay? She doesn’t wanna go back and she doesn’t really know Ashley Tisdale, they just share a gynecologist, and they call her out for her entitled behaviour. Shosh explains thusly

Jessa, Adam and Ray are watching Adam’s guest spot on a TV series, he plays a bum and Lucy Liu is onnit! Yay! They all squeak about how good he was on it and this is exactly why I immediately thought “Adam got a JOB!!” when I saw Star Wars! It’s all so confusing

Scott calls a weepy tipsy Shosh, she tells him she’s coming home, yaaaay. He is much more excited than she is, just get on a plane Shosh, I’ll take care of you and we’ll move forward, yaaaay. She hangs up and texts Yoshi.

Fran and Hannah are having what looks like absolutely the most uncomfortable sex ever, and why is he always fully dressed and she in the altogethers? He can feel her distance and says he loves her, but she won’t say it back. Maybe all the photos of his ex-girlfriends can say that to him instead, she suggests. It takes a supreme amount of balls to be passive aggressive while someone is actually inside you, so kudos, Hannah. Or whatever the opposite of kudos is.

Ray scoots off to bed, leaving Jessa and Adam to “keep things at a courteous level” and years ago, I did a “Which Girls Character Are You?: Quiz and I was MAD when I got Ray, but I understand it now. The using 10 words when one would do, the big words, just maybe not all the repressed anger.

They pretend they aren’t gonna hump and we get to feel all their chemistry and he kisses her, but she will not be Maddie to his David and they will not be Moonlighting this relashie.

Shosh is partying at a club and oh! Look who’s here and no longer her boss? Hi Yosh! They get drunker and there’s touching and they end up a Bondage Club? And the one who said Americans are all sluts is having hot candle wax dripped into his ballerina-hole and everyone wants Shoshanna to put on the nurse’s outfit. Whut? Full disclosure, I may know someone who has a slightly (hella) bigger version of that exact same nurses’ outfit.

She drunkenly stumbles out and is egged into flogging one of Yoshi’s friends. It starts to go a little bit south, as group flogging in sex clubs can do, and Yoshi jumps in. They leave and she makes her move, impulsively kissing him. It’s very good. They are very good together.

Fran’s sleeping and he’s left his phone unlocked…Hannah deletes all the pictures, and if you only have time to watch 30 seconds of this show tonight: that’s what you wanna check out.

Shosh is hungover and packing and who knew there was such a thing as grownup-sized Hello Kitty luggage? Shosh stares out her balcony and Scott waits at the airport…for no Shoshanna.

I hope she stays; Scott was such a placeholder guy (I’m very close to being in love with you!) and her and Yoshi had mad chemistry. Plus, Shoshi is fun to say.

We oot! What did you think? Was Hannah justified in deleting Fran’s pics? I’m totally on the fence, I think it is sick he kept them, worse that he ‘bated to them, but that was his stuff, you know? And Jessa and Adam; I mean. Stop hanging out together already, that will go nowhere good. Marnie, stay in EKQUEEador, dude, with Schlong there. See you next week, Script Kiddies!