Orange is the New Black S4:E5 We’ll Always Have Baltimore Recap

OITNB Cover

Hi guys! Welcome back to Litchfield with the Orange is the New Black gang! Like, literally. Rolling S4:E5 We'll Always Have Baltimore (or CorrectiCon Assaultimore, if you like) after the break:

There is a HOOGE lineup to the infirmary; these new inmates are straining alls the resources of the prison, but Alison and I totes take offense when the male moron behind the counter calls maxi pads “inessentials,” WTF man?? “My baby box is inessential?”

The inmates can buy tampons in the Canteen, but they’re $10/box and off-brand Disney (Milton Mouse!) Angie waxes nostalgia about stuffing add-water sponge dinosaurs up her hoo-hah when she ran out of tampons. Guess which dino it is!!?? A woman behind them COMPLETELY misses how fcuking disgusting that is and corrects her nomenclature. And I call myself a pedant. Fight in the line!

Linda and Caputo are getting along famously, they’re on their way to a “very immersive” conference. Taystee keeps calling, just file stuff Jefferson! Linda advises Caputo to fire his assistants every three months, don’t want them getting too efficient!

That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, even more ridiculous than Linda’s toy jail cell where she puts her candy when she’s on a diet.

Taystee is leafing through a gossip mag when she sees a picture of Judy wandering around the garden; that must have been from the drones!! Is Litchfield selling pics of the inmates?? She stares at Caputo’s desk in askance and why does SideBoob have a mug that says “BEST GUITARIST EVER”?

Wait!!! HOLD UP!! I got some information I couldn’t wait to share with y’all!! You remember when Suzanne wanted Taystee to call the library and find out if dragons were reptiles or birds and according to How To Train Your Dragon, they’re reptiles!! You’re welcome, Crazy Eyes!

There’s graffiti in the hallway and Desi wants Gerber to cover it up. Gerber’s just looking for “the right shade of beige” to mask the big boobies, but Desi gets all New York police onnit: if the inmates see graffiti, they will think it’s okay to not follow other rules! A fight breaks out, see? See?

Piper’s crew is getting smaller and smaller, but she ain’t worried, she “can always find new panty cattle.”

Ramos is driving the guards around; what a bunch of douchebros. Charlie gets spooked when they ask if he’s dipping his doughnut in her; she cuts Dixon off at the knees. “You know what gets me so hot? When guys compare me to breakfast and when they talk about me like I’m not even here. How about you call me ‘that oatmeal in the front seat’ and I’m SO YOURS.” HAHAHAHAHA

Ramos

Ramos backstory!! She’s all dressed up, working at a VIP club and scamming the male patrons. One has her pegged and finds her later to offer her a longer con. Blah blah go for the dick blah my favourite part is when she says her name is “Yessica. Like Jessica but ethnic.”

Oh herk, Morello’s yakkin on about her and Vinnie’s word-sex, it is just so much better when you really know someone! Then they know exactly how to put their “tongue saber” in your “ear hole” and that’s about all I can take of that. Suzanne’s parents had a slightly different method of reading signals; one would skip seconds at dinner and the other would get Blockbuster videos for Suzanne and her sister.

Their conversation is cut short by the discovery that “The Shower Pooper has struck again.” Suzanne knows it’s the same person, due to the “heft, density and hue” and I’m tapping out, yo.

Suzanne wants to “catch the Pooper in a trap of her own making” and all this messing with poop talk is making me lightheaded. Morello acting like a dimbulb isn’t far behind for yak-inducing.

Caputo and Linda have made it to the conference, free handcuffs for all! They wander among booths until Linda’s friend Russ (James P. Reese) comes up to congratulate her for being on a panel. The big booth this year: laser guns, but the wait is EPIC. Like for maxi pads in the Infirmary!

Ohhhhhh and there’s a Diva Cup booth and thank the gods Caputo walks by. I don’t put it past OITNB to show an insertion hijinks epi and I just.cannot.

The laser guns shoot burning sensations? Linda likes them! Up walks Kip Harnigan (PRINCE HUMPERDINK!!!!!!!!! Prince Humperdink is ON MY SHOW!!! Actually, I’ve always loved Chris Sarandon, before he became Prince Humperdink there was Fright Night and a glorious 80s sweater I used to dream of crawling under. Sorry, sorry where were we?), who’s the keynote speaker (AND PRINCE HUMPERDINK!!!!!!!) and The Face of Corrections in America. And wait, Linda and Caputo AREN’T banging?? Whut?

Taystee’s trying to break into Caputo’s computer but she can’t suss the password. Try Side Boob! Desi comes in, asking who does the ordering for maxi pads and that apparently is our Linda. HAHAHAHA and she figures out the password, guess what it is?? NO, GUESS!!?? Okay, not exactly sideboob, but sideboobrulez is close enough! High fiving myself while Taystee puts her feet up, she’s “the boss of this bitch.”

Ruiz is leading a pep talk for her gang, she’s got two weeks of “ripe fruit” ready to sell and her cousin Alonso set up as vendor, now she just needs to figure out how Chapman gets them offsite. Someone suggests that Chapman uses her sexuality, so Blanca wants to know why they can’t do that.

*coughing fit*

Ruiz says they are BETTER than that! They’ll figure something out and they brainstorm (just like Caputo and Linda at the conference!) until Ramos finally makes herself heard: she has a van, guys.

Moar Ramos backstory! The dude she scammed and his pals have a con set up at a luxury car dealership; she’s to pretend to be a salesperson, then a spouse and then drive away and that’s a lot of risk for her. She’ll be the one on camera and being seen by everyone. She’s loving the prep, though, “if I forget to tell you later, I’m having a really good time, you guys.” They watch another young woman work a mark; she's tossing her hair all over in a really unrealistic fashion, Ramos calls that "two clicks away from a blowie." Hahahahaha

Black Cindy is back from the canteen with her $10 box of Mountain Mist tampons (seriously?? Like what the fcuk about sticking a wad of cotton up your baby box makes you think of a mountain? And since when do mountains mist? I’M SO CONFUSED), can Alison borrow one of those? Er, I’m with Cindy, that’s a non-refundable donation.

Black Cindy messes with Alison a bunch more about being chosen and sneakers and I dunno, man. Then it’s a bible verse battle!

Piper’s in to see Desi, who’s trying to get hold of Linda in Purchasing (she’s not there!); this is why he and his giant quads don’t wear suits. Er. She moves to close the door, don’t do that! But she’s feeling unsafe and scared and carefully describes a gang of four or more women that have been gathering together in their red slipper socks; they share “a certain heritage. A certain noble heritage.” Ah, The Latinas, which Desi thinks are a prison gang in it’s infancy.

She takes her leave, the hook set, but just steps that onnneee foot over the line when she compliments his beard. He’s had a beard since tenth grade! Two in fact, and just when I’m bracing myself for a horrific and graphic description of his giantesque genitilia, he fills us in: the beard on his face and the one he took to prom. He likes dudes and like me, he will never, ever find Piper adorable.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Breathe

Snort

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahaha and I’m still laughing, but okay, okay, the scene is done. I actually liked Desi for like one minute! He must be a Bear! She gathers what’s left of her dignity and leaves.

Kit Harnington’s explaining his evolution from helper to redeemer; they need to stop thinking about the days and start focusing on the YEARS. *applause*Let’s make the prisoner’s lives full. I hope Caputo does that at Litchfield!

Taystee’s on the internets!! And gets about what you’d expect, typing in “Poussey Washington” and then Red and finally: hamsters!

Suzanne and Morello are watching the women showering; looking for a squatter with good knees (not old people), Suzanne pulling back the shower curtain in triumph to see a: lovely curvy nekkid blonde (Freia M. Titland – I mean) shaving her legs. “Fcuk off!” and we’re oot.

Oooh, I bet it’s Suzanne’s ex Turtle! She has a grudge against Suzanne and she knows Suzanne cleans the bathroom! Check the stall! Instead Morello wants to talk about how pretty Turtle is, she just needs a little makeup. Did you know they make it waterproof now so you never have to take it off? Morello is on the same page as me, she thinks Turtle’s leaving all kinds of gifts!

The new guards are manhandling all the Latina prisoners walking by; I know this isn’t my reality and I shouldn’t talk on it because it would be out my bum, but. So mad. These guards are so far out of line with their fondling and dehumanizing jokes and they even grab Mendoza. Mendoza isn’t one of that gang!! But she gets sent for a cavity search because the second biggest ahole of a guard (next to Dixon) thinks she has to be hiding something “in an ass that big.” He thinks that’s a compliment and that it’s good for morale. They do snag some drugs (second biggest ahole keeps it) and a razor on Zirconia, so Desi will be happy with Piper.

Linda and Caputo are discussing the next day’s activities; is Immigration really the “Next Gold Mine?” For sure drugs was the last one. He has to pump her up for her panel the next day; she’s the “Mickey Mantle of MCC” and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. She’s a purchaser who forgot to order enough maxi pads for a prison FULL OF WOMEN.

Speaking of! The women are all making homemade tampons and oh my jeebus, do not mess with your wobbly bits, ladies! You do NOT want a septic snatch. Black Cindy walks in waving a tampon around, she’ll sell it, sure, five dollars.

This hasn’t come up yet, but Toxic Shock Syndrome from wearing a tampon too long is real and deadly, y’all.

Ooooh and it turns into a word brawl with blewish Black Cindy sticking up for the Money Lenders (it’s okay when she says it! I legit didn’t know what that meant at first).

Alison has a working cell phone hidden in her head scarf! She gets to talk to her kiddo, awwww.

Piper and Desi are meeting in the yard; he asks her to assemble a task force of like-minded individuals, wait, isn’t that a gang? She’s on the case, she did that at Smith and tracked down a bubble bath bandit and anyway, gone.

Mendoza comes up; she’s mad that the new guards are stopping everyone for no reason, well, everyone who looks “like you?” he asks? And she’s not a lawyer but isn’t that stepping on someone’s civil liberties? He’s not interested in the civil liberties of an inmate, fanks, but then he leaves, not her.

Ramos has a whole plan, Flaca will hide the contraband in the wheelwell while Ramos is being frisked (nobody asks for a frisk. I mean) and then she’ll convince Donuts to go in and party with the rest so Alonso can recover the goods. But oops, it’s not Donuts in the passenger seat, it’s McCullough, who totally doesn’t HAVE a dick Ramos figured she could manipulate. Wait: wouldn't that be using their sexuality?

Back to Ramos at the luxury car dealership; she’s looking for a mark but is clocked by Lucas (Loren Christopher) before settling on Mr. Spencer who would like to take out the Gran Cabrio (it gives her a special tingle). This is the worst scam, too many holes! She’s waiting upstairs and inside, not out on the lot where she could make a run for it if she wanted to.

They head out to the Gran Cabrio in Etruscyan Onyx, Lucas jumps in the back seat. Damnit!

Morello admires Taystee’s squat for a bit until Taystee scares her off so she can get back on the interwebs. How much DOES a celeb photo go for??

Linda’s panel time! She’s doing not badly, fielding questions about the bottom line affecting prisoner life (who cares! Is her answer) until a voice starts yelling from the back. It’s Danny Pearson (Mike Biribiglia – yay!!) and he’s done with this whole industry that monetizes human beings. He has a webpage: www.dannytalkstruth.com ! Caputo jumps in to help Danny and ends up taking a guard down, oop, my bad! “CorrectiCon Assaultimore, am I right” high five a couple of douchebros in the conference.

Wager time: I bet Linda did NOT like what Caputo did, especially since he was ostensibly speaking up for Danny, not really her, but hubs thinks she’ll be impressed at how Caputo stepped up. A cuppa is on the line!

In town, the guards try to convince McCullough to come in and party and leave Ramos alone outside; she can get pretty drunk in 10 minutes! Dixon spoils it, damnit. Wait! Ramos talks about the tampon problem and McCullough offers to lend her one! Woot!

Er gahd, we’re back in the Gran Cabrio with Mr. Spencer and Ramos, it’s so awkward. Lucas keeps asking about their relationship and Teddy / Edward isn’t THAT dumb. In desperation, Ramos pulls the car over from the passenger side and jumps out to feign retching (I’m sorry, I totally laughed). She leaves the two men on the side of the road and jumps back in the car and GONE. Lucas turns to Teddy “so how will you be paying?”

Chapman’s putting up flyers for Community Carers on the porta potties; she meets another blonde white woman who totally wants to join up (after she sorts out that it's not really gay) AND LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ANY PICTURE IN IMDB.

Gay for Safety

Poussey and SoSo are cuddling in the library, irritating Aleida but hey, SoSo is great at maths! Even Calculus, “which is where math meets poetry” and her rubbing on Poussey still isn’t selling me, huntys! Brook works on a trig problem while a stressed-oot Aleida wonders if this will help her in real life? She’s supposed to be a productive member of society!  I laughed out loud at Aleida’s “oh yeah, look at me go” as Brook solved the equation.

The guards in the shack are broing it up and oh I will never be able to unsee Dixon’s dick either. It’s like the movie Waiting with Ryan Renyolds; which is basically all about trying to make other guys look at your dick, in a totally non-gay way. Right.

Alonso grabs the merch, but gets snagged by one of the guards walking out. Ramos walks up then, calling Alonso the gardener and telling him to follow her in Spanish. The other guards buy it, but the creepiest one (who I FINK is) Pierce (David Lavine) speaks Spanish and is now onto her. Ramos collapses in the van, to be caught by McCullough, who thankfully just takes it as another day of living under the thumb of patriarchal rule.

Linda’s trying to spring Caputo while Danny warns Caputo about Linda, huh. He calls her Satan herself.

Okay, I owe hubs a cuppa; Linda was totally turned on by Caputo sticking up for her and his, er, tongue saber, so its TTM 0, Hubs 1

Chapman’s gathered quite a crowd of Community Carers; ohhhh but it’s not exactly what she was thinking of. They wanna speak up for White Pride (and vote for Trump) and don’t “white lives matter?” It’s been said by many better than me, but saying “Black Lives Matter” doesn’t mean white lives don’t! And is there an Asian Pride? Me and Murphy don’t quite remember that one…Angie and Leann are easily distracted

Angie Leann

Piper is just now realizing what she’s dealing with and Hapakuka straight up bails while almost everyone else chants “White Lives Matter!” and we’re oot. Until next time, y’all, keep your coochie clear and your necessities stocked!