Sorry this is late; I was sick as a dog yesterday (on my BIRFDAY even) and not in a fun way involving gin or ANYTHING), but we’re here now! Let’s just enjoy it!
We open with Layla yaaaayyyy and a client, then with Jay at the water’s edge. Up rolls Mama Love and I swear to Bob, that’s the last time I’m typing that ridiculous name. Nobody believes you go by that, ML! No.body. Anyway, ML is wearing a denim overshirt and sparkly black denim jeggings and man. That is not a good look. Also not a good look is smacking your daughter’s arse repeatedly and grabbing handfuls whilst hugging. I’m starting to understand why Layla acts as though she’s the sexiest person EVER with the only big bum in New York.
Loootts of inappropriate innuendo with ML and Jay later, they stop for a fruit breakfast so we can really feel uncomfortable. Apparently Layla used to masturbate to her middle school crush and I am starting to pity her for reals. When ML asks if he can keep up (in bed?), Layla complains that it’s been 4 days and I for reals can’t figure out if they’re playing the squick factor up for the cameras or if they are that damn creepy and I’m afraid Imma have to go with B.
Lindsey and Layla are clothes shopping at a store that sells $220 jeans and here I must point out what the Linds is wearing:
Yep, that’s a leather jacket and scarf with red shiny leggings. The leggings actually match her hair colour, too, so it’s like someone wrapped a wallet around a ketchup bottle. That’s what I would wear out, SURE. It looks even worse from the front, all unflattering and shite. She interviews about having to look good at all time, as a fitness professional, and DON’T MAKE ME GO OVER HOW MUCH YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FITNESS PROFESSIONAL AGAIN, LINDSEY! I LIKE YOU!!
Lindsey brings up Courtney not showing up to Lena’s competition, but really, I think that was an excuse to yak about Joe again. She wants to rub her CUPA allllll over it. Lena shows up just in time to be drawn into the Joe talk, I mean, give her a minute to talk about the competition, yo! Joe showed up with flowers and Layla asks if they were for himself or if he was wearing them as a skirt and I’ll give you that one, lady. Quick and nasty, just how I like it.
Lindsey mourns the missing of her 30th birthday party, as it was right around the time of her surgery, so she wants to throw herself a Dirty Thirty party and this must be a thing, since Vanderpump Rules AND Après Ski talked about Dirty Thirty Parties just last week. Awww the youngs are embracing becoming the olds! Talk to me when you’re 43 biatches.
Joe is training a client in Hell’s Kitchen, while wearing both the Kanye nekkidsweat shirt and a cowl necked zipped CARDIGAN. I mean. Noah and Holly are there working out and when they try to talk to Joe about Ninja Training at the Brooklyn Zoo, Pissy Client comes over and says “Client? Client, can we work out?” and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But I am wondering if this is one of the gay dewds Joe was stringing along for ugly shoes, that’s pretty aggressive and Joe was literally only talking for a few seconds.
Noah and Holly talk about Joe and Noah’s bromance and I hate that word, for reals. Let’s put on our thinking caps and think of another one! Friendship!! We’ll call it friendship! Like when two or more people hang out and enjoy each other’s company! It’s kind of new, so work with me for a bit until it flows naturally. Use a spotter if necessary. Joe, Holly and Noah talk about N&J’s friendship (see how easy that was? You got this!) and who’s the Top and who’s the Bottom and who’s a Power Bottom (?) Noah looks very confused while Holly christens them Joah. Now. I know a Joah but he’s 6 and that makes me uncomfortable but Imma try to roll with it.
Layla and Jay just hear the tail end of the Ninja conversation and Layla wants in! She feels left out! I bet she’s more used to leaving people out, with Courtney, so is trying to understand the shift. She’s used to always being the centre of attention, and let’s just say that Joe isn’t bout that life.
Apparently nobody but Joe has a client this morning, so Holly, Jay, Layla and Noah pretend to work out in the rec centre basement while Joe calls Noah. I mean, he just left! Anyway, he doesn’t want no stinking Layla at his Ninja Training and the battle lines are clearly drawn. Noah has to break the You Can’t Sit With Us news to Layla who takes it calmly and maturely. HAAHAHAHAHAHHA
Ohhhhhhh I see they have She by Sheree back on Real Housewives of Atlanta AND Tootie!! They are making it sooooo tempting!! Must!Resist!
We’re at Courtney’s apartment, JUST as I was wondering where he was: I have that power, you know, to make people appear just by thinking of them. It’s kind of awesome and I have to remind myself to use it only for good. ANYWAY, waitaminute; didn’t Lena get ready at his apartment?? And then he didn’t show up at the actual competition? Whuuuut?? How did that make sense to him? At any rate, he’s going through his closet and pulls out a horse head, like you would.
And gets a call from Lena who wants to know WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU FOR MY SHOW?? He has no real answer, blah blah blah’s about being down about his shoulder prognosis and I call druggy bullshit, but Lena takes it. Grudgingly.
Holly and Noah meet Joe for his Ninja Training; up shows Lena too! I see. This is a strange group of shifting alliances. Or “youngs”, as I like to call them. Joe apologizes to Noah for putting him on the spot like that, having to rescind his invitation while Holly basks in the glow of their fully functional relashie.
Meanwhile, Layla and Courtney (NOT INVITED) show us exactly why they aren’t rolling with this particular group of homies by digging up some more dirt on Joe. I wonder if Layla and Courtney understand what they are doing right now. By making the show alllls about Joe and his perceived shadiness, they’re giving alllls of the attention to him. How many shows is this? 4? And how many have centred around Joe almost exclusively? Gotta be at least two of those, and I’d argue they all were. And you know what people are going to remember after this series? Joe. He must have been interesting, good or bad, because he’s all everyone talked about. WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF(s), LAYLA AND COURTNEY!
They try on wigs in the meantime and honestly, if this is all they’re bringing to the reality world pfft.
Ohhhhhh it’s even more lame than that. They’re in costume to dig up dirt on Joe. Well, Scooby and Shaggy, watching Layla try to fit a wig over top off those orange curls is like watching me try to put on a regular toque: everything looks like tiny hat realness.
We meet Geronimo, the Brooklyn Zoo Trainer; helpfully captioned here:
And Ninja training starts! That looks fun! Like parkour with more foam blocks! Noah digs that he gets to swing like a primate and he needs to stop being so cerebral AND cut or Imma spill something. He is totes adorbs. Joe asks Lena if this isn’t so much more fun that shit talking and YEAHHHH says Lena! Holly is also impressed with Joe’s warmth and charisma and she’s glad she reserved judgment instead of just taking the Snooper Twins words for it.
Speaking of the ST! Courtney and Layla and their ridiculous blonde wigs go to Joe’s gym, NYC Brick and it’s just painful. And then they get kicked out. So stupid, honestly. The Snoopers are beyond lame, and really, Layla, I’m surprised to find I expected better of you. They roll to a coffee shop known to be frequented by the Joe and do they not realise just how pathetic they look? They know where he drinks coffee??? Court asks the barrista if Joe is a “big old queen” and gets a yep. Much crowing. I’m almost done with these two.
Holly’s getting her hurr did! At RKG NY by celebrity stylist David who complains about his tits hurting during training sessions with Holly. He seems aight. They barter services, as well they should! Overpriced luxury services unite! I have to interject right now and I shall mark with this: TANGENT! I watched a uncomfortable-making episode of Gigolos last night with a female bodybuilder and remember when I said that Holly looked like a typical gym dewd waaay back in episode 1? I was so very wrong. I didn’t even know from what I was talking about.
Anyway! Holly is getting fancy because she has a date with a very pretty tatted black woman but I didn’t see any tattoos:
Just ginch and a broken iPhone screen. Guuuurlllll you supposed to be some big shot personal trainer and Fitness Personality and you’re scrolling on broken glass?? Come on, Budget. Holly doesn’t think this woman is her type, and mebbe not, but she’s GORGEOUS. Holly’s gonna do those reps, ride that bike, practice dating and tote that bale or some shite, trying anyway. Two hours later she’s done and her hurr looks exactly the same
ML shows up at Layla’s apartment and after a segue about her DAUGHTER sucking Jay’s cack, they talk about how Jay responded to the meeting. It was ehhh and Layla talks Jay up; remember, they’re totally going into business together! That is absolutely advisable and gonna happen!
Back at the gym, Joe, Lena, Holly and Noah train clients in the rec centre basement, jeez, get some windows, yo! Training squat montage! And lots of people of different sizes, yay! I would absolutely train with Noah and maybe Holly, if she didn’t roll into that mental circuit from the first episode: upperbody lowerbody upperbody CORE.
And now it’s time for her date! That’s the wonder of the internet and selfies; it is practically impossible to be surprised, looks-wise, on an online date, Catfishing aside. TANGENT: anyone who thinks Nev Shulman was catfished A) by a woman and B) just happened to catch it all on camera and that just happened to launch his career probably also thinks he beat up a woman in college by accident and not because he wanted to make an issue out of gender disparity. ANYWAY, looks as advertised and now I see the tats!
Holly says, for the second time, that Tia isn’t the type she usually dates and now I have to wonder if that is race-related or tattoo-related. I don’t know, I’m just asking! Maybe it’s an age thing? Tia looks much younger. And not super muscular. They dive right into the big questions: last relationship, what they’re looking for, whether they want kids and then we hear a big record scratch. Holly is not so sure about kiddos but Tia is OF COURSE. Can I just say? First dates are about deciding if you want to rub ugly bits in a friendly fashion, not about hammering out the details of a civil partnership. An inappropriate waiter asks the very same thing! Spark? Imma say no. Tia addresses most of her conversation to her drink and Holly couldn’t look more butch unless she had a socket wrench in hand. Tia asks for a night cap, which I’m guessing is banging, but Holly isn’t feeling it. Lookit how tiny she is!! They kiss anyway
Layla shows up at Courtney’s apartment to discuss ML’s assessment of Jay and blerg. Courtney’s colleague Alex calls right at that very moment with some information about Joe and of course he’s on speaker. Bravo, pleez. Speaking of pleez, we need to get some Polysporin eyedrops up in here, because lookit the pinkeyes on Court
Courtney is worried that a shady bitch will bring down the morale of the gym and the only part that worries me is that he doesn’t realise that HE is said shady bitch. Joe is just working, yo! And making more and more money each time Courtney and Layla spend 5 minutes of precious reality TV time talking about him. Alex says Joe steals clients and all I can say about that is: take care of your clients, they don’t go anywhere else. You can’t steal a partner, you can’t steal a lover, you can’t steal a client, you can only steal objects.
Lena and Noah work out, I’m glad they sorted out their issues with him being on her website, Lena seems kind of cool. It’s Dirty Thirty party time! JSierra, we were wrong, Lindsey’s surgery wasn’t two years ago, she says it happened just before her birthday, and she’s still 30. She’s also wearing flat shoes, high fives all around, woo hoo!!
Everyone shows up! Holly yaks about wanting to date and look how beautiful Lindsey looks!
I swear, I’m not pandering because she favourites my recap tweets, it’s that this look is so much better than the ketchup wallet. She brings the group BMI up to slightly above beef-jerky level too. Also looking gorge is Lena, but Holly…gurl. You need to um. Well, I don’t know what she needs to do, but she ain’t doing it. She’s wearing a tight, sleeveless pewter tunic and looks like she’d rather be bench pressing rather than ”bench pressing” someone.
Courtney braces Joe about his past and it’s just gross. Had Courtney OR Layla even tried to get to know him, as Holly and Noah did, instead of running around trying to find out gossip, Joe wouldn’t be locking his shite down so tight. Nobody likes to feel spied on or talked about. Joe denies the client stealing and Court pushes. Honestly. Court backs down and after they hug, Layla is worried that the tide has shifted irrevocably away from her and Court as King and Queen of Mean at the gym, so she grabs Joe for yet ANOTHER talk to clear the air. Sigh.
Layla leads right in with a attack about being disinvited to the Ninja training, Joe says he doesn’t enjoy her company. She’s rude and even now, she keeps probing for a deeper meaning as to why he doesn’t like her. I don’t like you, Layla, you’re loud, and rude, and immature and incredibly self-centred, does that help? I do admit to liking you when you’re not trying quite so hard, so maybe Joe just needs to see that. Also, stay away from Courtney, that queen is a 35 year old club kid with a substance abuse issue and a bum shoulder. They shake hands on agreeing to disagree and will be civil. Layla does not understand. She cries and I think it’s partly that she doesn’t understand how anyone could say very clearly, to her face, that they do not like her personality. ML has been groping and blowing smoke up dat ass from birth and yeah. It looks as though Jay will be taking this personally, asking why she cares if Joe doesn’t like her, and Imma have to get you to stand down on that, Rager, NOBODY likes to be told they’re not liked. EVERYONE wants to be liked, even you emo shites that insist otherwise.
And we oot! I’m kind of disappointed I didn’t have to look up another pair of ugly gold sneakers, this is the only place I learn about fashion now that Après Ski and Project Runway are done! What did you guys think?
