Last time we met the anarchist uber-capitalist Mr. Clay, Jean and Martin started a new-ish career path, as did Julie, and Jean’s police problems came to an about-to-be tidy end. Oh and the bad guys are after Martin again. Let’s see what’s shaping up on Spotless this time!

We’re still there looking at DCI Tom Kendrick’s earthly vessel; one of the things I love about this show (and it’s okay, I totally already know it’s odd) is that they’re gonna make this finicky mess clean. Spotless even.

Jean (Marc-Andre Grondin) protests that he barely knew Tom (Vincent Riotta), which Nelson (Brendan Coyle) counters with detailed knowledge of Jean’s history of bribing Tom to have work thrown his way. It seems that Nelson and others have also been throwing envelopes of cash at Tom and with the cop’s suspension and investigation.

Martin (Denis Menochet) doesn’t want Jean anywhere near this particular crime scene, dead cops in their dead cop houses are bad news. Nelson doesn’t want the body removed as usual anyway, he wants Jean to make it look like a suicide. Now that is interesting; I mean, can you do that? That is a whole other area of expertise. As Jean has said, he is the mops and buckets end of this shite. It’s one thing to carefully and completely remove evidence, but to alter it convincingly? I’m pretty sure I saw Jean looking at entrance wound at the back of Tom’s head, that seems like you’d need super bendy arms for that.

Martin takes him aside to discuss, he was shocked, shocked I tell you, that Jean has been giving bribes and HA! Jean with his “I don’t want your stinking morally corrupt money!” bullshit has been exposed as the hypocrite he is. I like that Jean is a complex character, so much of what we see these days is only one way or the other: White Hat or Black Hat. Flawed is so much more interesting. Anyway, time’s getting on, ladies, let’s go! Jean has an important interview to attend so Maddy can get into a poncy school and learn Latin.

Jean asks the gangsters to re-enact the killing, and there is a bit of luck in that Tom was shot in the face, not from behind, so high fives! There’s an odd moment with Existential Frank, though, he got hit or something by Tom during the struggle and there’s a lot of knowing looks passed around when Jean asks about his nose. There’s also almost a full minute of Joey (Doug Allen) screwing on a silencer and it’s a beautiful shot but I think it would make a weird gif. Aggressive-like.

Jean asks everyone to leave, nice try, cleaner! Nelson leaves Joey behind, who takes a minute to rough Frank (Ciaran Owens) up for being high at work. Frank’s feeling antagonistic, hmm.

Martin wants to skid, but Jean needs a bit of moral support so Martin quotes the Art of War at him (he’s gonna find out about Nelson’s gang!) and calls him the Picasso of Crime Scenes. That was maybe unexpected. And we get to see texts, woo hoo!! I love to see on-screen texts. Julie is MAD and Martin wants to go for drinkies. It’s 7 am! Good thing Victor (Liam Garrigan) knows just the place.

Joey and Jean working on Tom’s crime scene is hilarious, especially when they’re shaking Tom in tandem trying to move the blood around.

Funny right until this viewpoint, where we getta see the inside of Tom’s melon.

And right; they have to shoot him again. Right through the last hole and the squishy noises are really making me regret using headphones for this. For the love of…

Maddie (Jemma Donovan) is busting Julie (Miranda Raison)’s chops about Jean not being there yet for her school interview, Julie’s not crazy about the cynicism she’s hearing. Maddie suggests she sticks with hypocrisy, oooooh buuuurrrn!

Martin is telling Victor about his Special Forces tours of duty in Rwanda and Somalia, that seems unlikely. And it is; they’re playing Truth or Drink, some kind of drinking game involving trying to tell if your partner is lying or not. If they are and you call them on it, you have to drink. If they are telling the truth, you drink. I can feel my liver shrinking just thinking about that game; I have the worst poker face EVAH. I lie like a hand-crocheted rug made by an eighth grader: all stops and starts and LOOK AT HOW WEIRDLY COLOURED I AM ALL OF A SUDDEN!

It’s Victor’s turn to tell a story; he says he’s a widower because his wife died unexpectedly and undeservedly 5 years previous. It must be true, because Martin says he’s sorry and Victor drinks. I may not understand the rules of this game. I need to check my gaydar as well, I’ve been getting beeps over metrosexual Victor so it might need some new batteries, or a little bump on the side.

There is an intense moment when Martin asks Victor why nobody seems uneasy that they just wasted a senior police officer; Victor explains that the Clay bidness is just too big to fail; they’ve got fingers in allls the criminal pies.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet, but I’m doing a rewatch now that the extended cut is available on Netflix and I am struck by how much darker I am finding Victor. His scenes are some of those chopped for the initial run and I am getting a much better picture of the character with these extra few minutes.

Back at Jean’s office, the techs are chatting, Rosie (Izabella Urbanowicz) is going for her nursing degree which turns on Padraig Pearse O’Leary (THAT’S A NAME! Jake Curran), which creeps out Maureen (Naomi Radcliffe); isn’t he almost at arrestable?

Efe (Itoya Osagiede) walks by; has he been drinking? Maureen takes her frustration out on Padraig and then fields a call from Julie.

I am finding Jean’s manipulation of blood and brain matter much less relaxing to watch than his clean up. As he’s spackling blood to have it waterfall along the back of his chair, I just can’t help but wonder about it getting tacky and dried and all other kinds of things fictional crime scene techs on other fictional shows look for. And surely he’s late for the interview?

Julie thinks so, although the interview isn’t until 11, and I get that she’s nervous, but surely they don’t live FOUR HOURS drive away, do they? So texting him starting before 7 am seems a bit extreme and it’s the old definition of: if everything is urgent, nothing is. How many times have you turned off a too-early alarm and not reset it? Am I reading too much into this? Anyway, Nelson wants to see Jean, who declines, so Joey has to remind him that this is actually a criminal enterprise with a bunch of thugs, funny and interested in the world’s karma balance as they are, who will fcuk him up in a hurry if he doesn’t do as told.

The French thugs have made it to London, Romain (Maxime Lafrancois) hates it but Nico (Damien Taranto) is ready to make new friends!

Martin calls Jean to tell him he has won the (drinking) war as Jean is dragged off to a remote treed location, I sincerely hope there was a part of that conversation involving COME FIND ME that we just weren’t privy to. Jean is similarly unnerved.

The beautiful remote treed place is a garden, Nelson is working in it and I can hear a kettle whistling, so he must be British. I’ve read every word written by Dame Agatha Christie and I know my Brits; they love mucking about with gardens and tea. He could have thrown me a bone with some tweed or something, I thought he was Irish.

Nelson thinks Frank is compromised; the nose reference was about drugs apparently, and he’s been selling information to another crew. Bai existentialist greaser! Jean declines to give advice, he’s just a regular guy.

Nelson talks about his first wife, Maggie. She was a good woman, but when she passed away, he met Sonny and she taught Nelson to never be afraid of what he is capable of. He thinks Jean could use that self-exploration as well.

Nelson says this is his Place, what’s Jean’s? And Jean says it’s not so much a place, but a circumstance. It all goes back to the axe-murdering and I wish I understood exactly what happened at that time. I do understand that Jean killed a man that was beating up his brother and they hid the body together, maybe that’s enough.

At the school interview, a very nervy Julie is trying to do the school interview solo, but sighs with relief when she hears that her husband Mr. Bastiere has arrived. Right until she realises it’s foul-mouthed Martin, not smooth Jean. The interview goes…about as well as you would expect. Why would you want to send your kids to a school like that anyway? Bunch of assholes. However! Martin’s storytelling and ability to charm (literally) the pants off most women comes into play and hmmm. Moar close sexually-tense conversations between Martin and Julie…not to mention all the literal grab-ass

Okay. Thank you, Spotless, you’ve filled in those gaps for me. The person being assaulted in the first episode was Martin and Jean’s mother; Jean found her and subsequently Martin.

Romain and Nico have found the van Martin stole, NO, Romain doesn’t think it’s a good idea to search for Martin in the SAME VAN, duh. Okay, Nico will carjack, just like they used to do on the weekend for funzies.

Jean’s back at the office and it looks as though he’s got some insurance. He kept the wooden sticks that he cleaned underneath Tom Kendrick’s nails with, that might buy him some time down the road.

Jean has called Claire and they’re relieving some frustration the old-fashioned way, without the role-play but with a lot of nudity on Claire’s part. How did schlumpy Jean convince this beautiful young woman to drop everything and have sex with him whenever he has time?

They talk after and he tells her his brother is in town and it segues into a discussion about his family. I’m surprised he hasn’t shared with her before, usually married men just want someone to listen without the weight of 12, I mean 15 years (Martin couldn’t remember how long he was supposedly with Julie) judgement, right? And maybe some nodding with a mouth full here and there, but really, the talking is usually the focus and it’s unusual that it hasn’t happened until then. She shares back, her mother is dying of cancer and perhaps that explains why she’s mucking about with a married dude and a mouth full. It’s as though he suddenly realizes she’s a person.

Martin’s nemesis’s are waiting outside Jean’s house and playing “who’s the boss?” with punching as Martin skates up on his purloined skateboard. He manages to duck just as Young Thug loses it and randomly starts ringing bells; ultimately slashing Gareth (Andrew Whipp)’s face. Off they go but now Martin knows he is on borrowed time.

Jean arrives home to find an oddly calm Julie preparing dinner and not smothering her children for once. He looks regretful already. Martin is packing, he knows it’s just a matter of time until they find him and he needs to be on he move. Jean gives Martin $30,000 and they actually have a nice moment for once.

Jean is called personally to a crime scene by the police an ehhhh it’s his manufactured evidence supporting the unfortunate suicide of Tom Kendrick.

Now the cleaning!Tell me you don’t love this

Jean has two techs with him; he fires Efe for drinking on the job, but that’s really just so he can be alone with the evidence he just found in the air ventilation hole. Efe asks why Maureen is lying for him to Julie; what’s he got to cover up? It gets swept under the rug as desperation. It seems to me that the police haven’t really had time to sort that crime scene properly if he’s already in there cleaning and they haven’t even searched everything yet.

Martin’s back and for why? Then why leave in the first place for only a few hours? He says he’s living in the moment and I call adult ADD.Nelson calls to make sure the story passed; maybe Jean should get some sleep.

Meanwhile the men trying to kill him are alternatively trying to sleep (Romain) or bust a nut playing an adult boys-only version of “Who’s the boss?” (Nico). And we oot.

I don’t know; I feel as though Jean is starting to warm up a bit, step out of his coldly compartmentalized life a bit, but it’s making him sloppy (that grate where the evidence was needed much more cleaning) and there’s a reason he is so strongly regimented. When those things start to fall apart…it’s going to get messy. He has this gorgeous wife and great life but it’s like the past makes him unable to feel it. I still find Martin more of a caricature than a character, but he’s growing on me. Grey ginch and all. The music is fantastic. See you next time!