This is it, the season finale of Below Deck season 5! Can you believe it’s been 5 seasons??? Me neither! Let’s find out what P.I.M.P Timothy Sykes thinks of the rest of his trip and most importantly: the last tip! Rolling S5:E14 after the break.

We left Chief Stewardess Kate Chastain chastising deckhand Kyle Dixon in the crew mess, she’s trying to set up for a massive champagne fight (is…that a thing? Rich people are ridic) with many many plastic cups to tape together and HE wants to talk about his feelings being hurt.

Here’s the thing about Kate: she’s super smart and wicket efficient, but she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Usually she’ll just cut you dead with a sarcastic comment and continue about her day, but she’s been dealing with a peroxided moron for two months and it’s eroded her one good nerve.

There are fireworks for our super luxe demanding guests tonight, this is everyone’s last night. Second Stew Brianna Adekeye muses about missing the crew in the galley, her she-thinks-boyfriend Lead Deckhand Nico Scholly is being super quiet. Especially when she says they’re like in a marriage, they argue and love each other…*Nico stricken look*

Let’s review! Nico has had a shit year. His younger brother and best friend died three months before Nico came aship motor yacht Valor and he sought comfort in the arms of the adorable Brianna whom he’d met previously. Now. He had a girlfriend back home named Melissa who he froze out until he ghosted her for “not understanding what he needed” which was very much to spend a few nights in a hotel room with Bri. He did the deed and in the way that young men have done since forever, decided to get back together with his old girlfriend back home that knows him after the bounce excitement wore off.

See? New lovers are exciting! They have different bells and whistles and make weird noises and all that good stuff, but sometimes you also want to have the back of your thigh scratched properly without having to explain for 45 minutes first. Plus Nico really needs to go home and be with his family in this tragic time, not traveling the world as Brianna is planning.

My god these guests are knobs, they’re still talking about WiFi, while BEING IN THE CARIBBEAN. Kate mocks Primary Timothy about how excited he is about his party.

Nico takes the guests on a tour so Kate and the Interior crew can set up for the party. They even visit R2-DPoo, the fancy toilet and then it’s party time!!

So much seafood! The guests love the supper and that is no small feat. Timothy is demanding AF and expects the best.

I totally would too if I was paying 100k plus for a weekend on a ship but then I’m Canadian too, so I would just cry in my gorgeous stateroom instead of causing a fuss.

Oh I am so not down with chef Matt Burns’s dessert: is he using premade crusts and canned whipped cream for a pie?? IS HE????? Seriously, whip that cream yourself and it takes ten minutes to bake a graham crust! You’re HOPELESS!

Speaking of hopeless, Third Stewardess Jennifer Howell (aforementioned peroxided moron) has decided that the time to figure out her mime costume is 15 minutes before the party. Not only does everyone else have to work extra hard because she’s not helping, she had two days to do the research on this. Jaysus.

The crew is so far behind that the chef has to come clear plates and bring out dessert, I don’t understand why Brianna had to go back into Jenn’s bunk so they BOTH weren’t helping. Anyway: the guests dig their meal and Matt gets a good note to end on.

Fireworks time!

Okay, I totally take it all back about the pies, Matt served foie gras for dessert and the whipped cream pies were for the champagne fight. Captain Lee Rosbach does not play at champagne parties. He stays behind the glass and tells us calmly that “Mr. Sykes stands a better chance of seeing God in the next 30 seconds two times before he’s ever going to spray me with a bottle of champagne.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA

The guests head to bed and the crew cleans up the MASSIVE mess. Nico’s just waiting for Bri to come to bed so he can break up with her.

It’s the next morning, yay! These are the last set of guests for the season!

Jenn sleeps in, of course.

Finally it’s time for the last guests to leave, lookit the size of the package!! It’s a two-hander!

Bai Timothy, thanks for the fat tip!

Kate and the stews have a meeting, well. It starts out as a meeting, then ends with Jenn shouting at the other women and storming out while Kate calls her the deficit.

Final Tip Meeting!! But Nico gets a letter first

And a promotion!

Holllleee shite, the tip is $30,000 American dollars! That’s $2,720 each! That has to be a record, good job on that stupid champagne fight! Deckhand Bruno Duarte is very excited, he’ll be bandaging his leg for a bit yet.

Sunset watching party with champagne time! Nico is struggling over the loss of this brother, Bruno comforts him while Kyle watches.

Brianna’s not dumb, she’s figured out that something has changed between her and Nico, since the hotel he’s been really cold with her. Almost like he got what he wanted and it was enough to tide him over until he could get home to what he needs.

Supper is beautiful but awkward for Nico, he finally takes Brianna aside and tells her “it’s nothing to do with you personally” which is not a good look. She understands, family always comes first.

Matt has been easing back on the drinking and pre-quitting drinkers are EXHAUSTING. I know, I was one for years! Not everybody who drinks needs to quit (OBVS) but watching a binge drinker imbibe their weight in liquor, then running down that shame spiral which may or may not involve personal attacks on all an sundry (or libidinous attacks, fun but) then swearing not to drink again (which you have to try and take seriously, even the 14th time in one charter season) then drinking a swimming pool full of booze and then.

It’s EXHAUSTING. Addiction is a beast, y’all.

Everyone but Jenn dances on the beach, she has some tips for Kate, who does not want to hear it.

The next morning, Nico find Bruno crying on the deck, they both came a long way this charter season!

Kyle is the next to leave, then Bruno, who stops by the bridge to ask for a letter of recommendation. He gets an assurance from Captain Lee, which confuses me as I’ve seen some contradictory accounts on Twitter.

Matt packs up and says goodbye, then deckhand Baker Manning. She talks like Jim Carrey circa 1987 and it makes me mental. She has a great attitude, though.

Jenn comes to say goodbye to Kate, who she gives an out for her shitty behaviour, then we’re on to Brianna who awkwardly hugs her.

Brianna leaves after a strained sayonara with Nico, who heads up to see Captain Lee before touching base with Kate, who tells Captain Lee next time he sees her, she’ll be a charter guest!

She always did look more like a charter guest than the guests, amirite?

Captain Lee takes us out with a message about Hurricane Maria, which devastated the area and has led to massive relief efforts.

Until next time, my hottie yachties! Let’s take a minute and revisit some of the highlights of this season in pictures:

And the very best for last: Captain Lee, the Stud of the Sea as King Come-On-I-Wanna-Lay-Ya

Cheers!