Hi guys, we finally got rid of those cranky guests from the last two weeks, wooooooo! Let’s see who’s gonna mess with our quirky group of yachties next on Below Deck Mediterranean!

Oh right. Before we get to the next set of guests, we are still mid-drunk-fight between chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier and lead deckhand João Franco. He’s being disrespectful (I didn’t even notice she laughed like a goat until he pointed it out!), she’s pulling rank on a night out, it’s a mess.

Finally someone jumps in and sits João down, it’s Hannah’s pal chef Adam Glick and not bosun Conrad Empson that she’s been draped all over all night.

João maintains enough steam to take a run at second stewardess Brooke Loughton but gets hella gross in the galley and lines must be drawn, people. You can’t stick your fingers in someone else’s ice cream, I can actually hear Kyle Dixon from Below Deck throwing up from here.

Adam kicks him out of the galley and João finally realises the party’s over. Brooke’s been that drunk before, she’s willing to give him a pass. Just don’t give him anything else, he’s not going to remember it any way. Plus whiskey junk is real and a tragedy.

João follows Brooke to her bunk and it goes swimmingly until Hannah walks in. He explains to us the next morning that he was in a blackout and he has an adorably named alter-ego Jezebob that comes out when he checks oot.

Remember when you were 20 and you got blackout drunk so often that you named the arsehole you turned into when you were off your face? Yeah, me neither, blackouts are scary af and nicknames don’t make it any more fun for people to deal with you. I always think of poor doomed Joey Kovar from Real World Cancun whenever anyone talks up how awesome that much drinking is on a regular basis.

Hannah and Brooke have their fingers crossed that third stewardess Kasey Cohen is able to work above and below deck this charter, she’s had monster sea sickness this whole time so far.

Brooke videochats with her mum and we get a bit of backstory; they’re so close that it was Brooke who did some laptop sleuthing and found out that her dad was cheating on her mum. That’s got to be a shock for a kiddo, I guess we know who got Brooke in the divorce.

Ohh nooo, Brooke’s taken all of Jezebob’s backrubbing as connection, I worry that she’s just too innocent for this show. And credulous. And slow speaking, seriously, pick up the pace, I got shite to do!

Conrad teaches green deckhand Colin Macy-O’Toole, he appreciates the opportunity to learn and also ‘get his thighs out for the ladies’.

…

Pre-Charter Meeting!! Our next Primary is Dr. Jen Berman, a personal friend of Captain Sandy Yawn. Hannah smiles but we know that’s troubbbblllee. Dr. Berman is a vaginal rejuvenation celebrity who’s about to have a surprise birthday on dock. The weather is bad so everyone will be working overtime trying to entertain these guests.

Primary Dr. Jen wants a “hot male Italian trainer” to work out with

…

Brooke takes João aside to discuss their major talk the night before.

Look! He thinks it’s funny! Brooke just wants him to keep his hands in his own pants, please stop flirting with her. She says it all through her hair while simpering, so if you had the sound off, you would have thought she said something else entirely. Regardless, I hope he listens, we don’t need another Julia/Bobby sitch.

Kasey has never done laundry before. Ever.

I don’t know if you remember how Captain Sandy gets when the pressure is on, but it’s super…helpful. She likes to get right in there and change garbage cans, which is good, because Kasey is still probably trying to figure out how to get the vomit out.

What do you think Kasey did on her other boat? The yacht that never left dock? She can’t walk, serve or do laundry so far, so what does that leave?

Deckhand Jamie Jason is really hoping the meds help Kasey not be seasick and do her actual job, but we’re good, right? We’re not leaving the dock this charter!

Kasey asks João about his drinking and they flirt while Brooke pretends she isn’t listening.

Hannah and Conrad chitchat on the dock, his plan is to buy his first house after the charter season. Hannah has a really nice shoe collection!

Provisioning! Booking bodybuilding trainers! Sissy that walk, Jamie!

Well this is different, we’re having a pre-pre-charter meeting with Captain Sandy and everyone in their whites. She’s pissssed because Conrad didn’t launch the tender when she told him to and now they’re completely blocked in and can no longer do so.

Roll tape: she told him TWICE.

Pisssed

Captain Sandy wants them to do a rap-style birthday song, Colin majored in music so he’s on it and I’m already uncomfortable.

Guests are heyah!

Adam likes the looks of Dr. Jen, “yes please!” I’d gif it but he still makes me ehhh.

Boat tour! We’ve got three surgeons aship: penis, vagina, vagina! Woooo!

João has just enough time to flirt with Kasey, I hope he didn’t get whiplash doing that uturn from Brooke to her. Unfortunately, Brooke is still…Brooke. And giggling about how she blushes when she talks about him. Meanwhile, João’s down in the kitchen literally sniffing after Kasey. Just gross.

Speaking of gross! Captain Sandy’s got a present from Dr. Jen, it’s a Womanizer and it…okay how to explain in a PG-13 way…it’s just for women and it sucks and blows at the same time. The gross part is watching Dr. Jen use it on Captain Sandy over her pants. Jaysus.

João has so many opinions about how to run the deck crew! So many! He likes to share them with the crew first, THEN tell Conrad.

Adam’s been working hard on impressing the guests, first up is a bunch of awesome salads to go with their authentic Italian pizza. Hannah leaves without the salads.

It’s about 30 minutes before Hannah realises she’s sans salads.

Kasey doesn’t know how to vacuum, Captain Sandy has to show her exactly what to do to “smash it out.”

Hannah and João sort of make up in the pizzeria while Adam makes so many desserts! So many!

João continues to complain to the crew about Conrad not assigning a night watch, threatening to go over his head to Captain Sandy. Jamie tells him to talk to Conrad and he did mention it to Conrad too, so I’m only giving him half a sideeye, but say something to Captain Sandy or don’t, stop bigging yourself up.

CAN I DO ONE BLOODY PARAGRAPH WITHOUT HAVING TO TYPE YOUR NAME, J-WOWW? Honestly

Colin spits mad fire in his bunk but we’re in the crew mess with João, who is once again insisting that Colin have a night watch. I was thinking he’d tonnes more experience asea than Conrad, but apparently he’s got much less, so it’s clearly just an age thing.

Nunzio the personal trainer is here!

I am drooling over how much parmesan cheese Adam is working into supper tonight, wooooo!

Dr. Jen is the first guest I’ve seen that has asked to wear shoes to dinner, but WHY? I do not have a fabulous shoe collection but it’s not because I’m too cool for that (OBVS) it’s that most pretty shoes hurt and I try to avoid pain unless I have a safe word. It also have feet like boats, and am completely round, so maybe it’s that but STILL: if I didn’t have to wear shoes on a boat, I would not ever beg please please.

All we’ve seen Kasey do is eat and pretend to vacuum, she didn’t even clean Captain Sandy’s cabin today!

All those afternoon salads get re-purposed for supper, is that…safe?

So much food for these guests!

And then the birthday cake comes out and I do a fullbody cringe in preparation for Colin’s birthday rap. *hand hovering over mute button* Okay, it wasn’t bad but he spent the whole time looking at his phone.

Conrad takes João on the bow for a talking to while the guests party inside, they shake hands after and say “cool” but decide on nothing except that they both think they’re right.

Because the guest wanted to wear shoes on the boat, Hannah has to stay up until 4 am cleaning all the spots off the white carpet. Jaysus. At least Conrad stays up with her, so it’s as though there is a night watch anyway! I wonder if Conrad did that partly so he could say nothing would happen out there on dock.

I canea believe how long that took, though, mostly Hannah laid around on the carpet and flirted.

The next morning the guests are hongray and it’s only Brooke out there to serve them, how on earth is she going to remember all those separate orders? Kasey isn’t helping whatsoever and Brooke is moving pretty fast for someone who can’t say hello without a five minute pause.

Hannah finally drags her bum out of bed at 11 to plan something while Brooke and Adam die in the weeds. Captain Sandy is out there watching how bad the service is, silently (and not so silently) steaming.

Captain Sandy finds Hannah on the bridge and takes her to task, why is she provisioning for the next charter and telling Brooke to get the drinks while she’s also serving and clearing breakfast? She knows Kasey is useless! Hannah leaves crying after Captain Sandy’s totally rational questions. Le sigh. We’re oot!

Until next time!