Welcome back for more cleaning with the Spotless crew! This is the extended cut, now available on Netflix pretty much everywhere: an extra 10 minutes is pretty sweet! Let’s find out what we missed the first time ’round; I now have the ability to gif things, so it’s gonna get fancy up in here!

Jean (Marc-Andre Grondin) and his brother Martin (Denis Menochet) are now also accessories to a bunch of extry murders: SPOILER ALERT! They have a new business partner, the mysterious Mr. Clay (an incomparable Brendan Coyle) and a whole lot of baggage. A possible unexplored career path has reared it’s head: cleaning up crime scenes FOR criminals! I don’t know why this hasn’t come up before, it’s genius, really.

Jean is counting his hidden gangster money in the middle of the night looking grim, maybe he is pondering that career path a little more than he was the evening previously. Julie (Miranda Raison) comes in from her exercise to say she has a job interview, waking up Jean who hides the money and throws out an almost-immediate “what about the kids?” from Jean. They marry-argue, which means lots of eye rolling, sighs and more things left unsaid than not. It’s like fighting in shorthand after you’ve been married for awhile; just a “kids?” query means a WHOLE a decade worth of sturm and drang. He mutters about the cost of childcare being more than she will make and I call TOTAL bullshit. Their oldest is 13 and the youngest has to be 9 or 10. I would hire at least one of those to watch my hooligans, so you can stuff that childcare nonsense right up your strangely schlumpy arse, Jean. She leaves with one carefully placed arrow about insomnia being caused by guilty conscience and I’m going to give this round to her: Julie 1, Jean 0.

Martin is chopping up and stepping down all the heroin he liberated from the drug mule’s belleh (that the OG goons didn’t take) and rewrapping for street sale. I mean this in the best way; wouldn’t someone be able to tell if they were snorting baby powder? Well, that’s still better than him having an addiction, which is what I thought he was saving it for last episode. Those are a BEAR, especially if you are in the pharmaceutical sales racket.

He wanders outside for a cigarette to see the cranky neighbour who called the cops AND got his van towed fighting with his wife Lorraine (Kirsty Dillon). AGAIN. And I don’t like to jump to conclusions, but Cranky Neighbour’s use of abuser terms like “look what you made me do!” and his quick temper means that Martin will probably be comforting Lorraine right into the Women’s Shelter.

While Martin is eyecuddling with Lorraine on the street, Jean’s daughter Maddy (Jemma Donovan) is tossing his room. Let’s hope Martin hid that heroin properly! There is an awks convo with Julie and..tension? Of the sexual variety?

Jean gives Martin a motivational speech, along the lines of GET A JOB AND GET GONE, HIPPIE! He’d like his life back, fanks. Martin challenges him: does Jean mean he wants his pre-children life back, with all the “smoking, drinking and f*cking?” That life? No parent alive would answer that honestly because we love our children, don’t we? Totally. Poor Martin hasn’t had sex in 10 days and CRY ME A RIVER, SINGLETON.

Jean walks out to find OG Goon#1 waiting for him; Martin comes out and makes a run at him, calling OGG the “man who stole his money” which means ahhh, Jean didn’t tell him about the envelope full of money and incriminating pictures. OOG is just the messenger, however, Mr. Clay wants to meet them. Off they go!

Nelson Clay (Brendan Coyle) is a behind a bar, which Jean doesn’t notice right away because he’s too busy apologizing to a random in a suit.

Side note: I haven’t watched these shows since I first wrote the recaps several months ago and I was literally holding my breath waiting to see Brendan Coyle as Nelson Clay again. The man is insanely talented, I love to watch him do ANYTHING. It’s a rare artist that has such presence; Sarah Lancashire is another, Viggo Mortensen one more.

Woo hoo, we get introductions! OGG #2 is Frank (Ciaran Owens)! OGG #1 is Joey (Doug Allen)! Frank was the one who recommended the brothers to Mr. Clay, he thinks it would be valuable for their business. Jean reaches into his pocket and a random goon pulls a gun on Jean and Martin takes him down, irritating Mr. Clay who figures the brothers being able to leave with their melons intact should have been payment enough for alls the heroin. Plus the 20K he sent over. Jean hands back over the envelope with the money; Martin suddenly realises what’s going on and he does NOT like it.

Nelson doesn’t understand why Jean doesn’t want to take payment for the work, since it’s already complete;  Frank thinks it’s Jean’s moral compass (like Liberty Valance!) mucking things up. They know all about Jean, but very little about Martin, save the drugs-filled mule. Victor Clay (Lam Garrigan) knows that but no more.

Nelson eventually appears to accept Jean’s refusal to involve himself in these murky waters. No harm, no foul and off the brothers go. Jean thinks he fixed it, me and Martin are slightly more skeptical about this gangster releasing them back into the wild like that. Jean offers Martin whatever money is left in his office and a GOODBYE.

Another side note: Doug Allen, who is Joey Sampson (OGG) is a stone cold FOX, yo.

Julie is in ginch dressing for her job interview; her high-faluting lawyer sister Nina (Lucy Akhurst) agrees that “promise of sex” will work better than “sex itself” and I think that’s a good rule of thumb for MOST job interviews.

Martin isn’t very impressed with the $1300 pounds Jean gives him; not exactly half of 20k, izzit? Jean gets an urgent phone call from Tom Kendrick, who previously told him that the police were terminating his contract, and he sends his brother (who is watching a female employee dress) off with a frown. Bai Martin! Jean borrows Maureen (Naomi Radcliffe)’s car and is off while the female employee asks who was peeping her.

Jean is indeed meeting with the guy he was bribing, but not in the pub as thought, he’s directed under the bridge instead. Tom Kendrick (Vincent Riotta) is under investigation for bribery, he’s suspended. Crooked Cop is crooked and still has enough balls left to ask for 5 thousand pounds, threatens Jean with a life in prison and THEN head-butts him from a foot lower.

Jean! Don’t let him do that! I’m sure we’re meant to be thinking: 1) this would have never happened if Martin was around and 2) looks like you REALLY really need money, Jean.

Julie is applying for a job at an art gallery, I gather, here’s that sex-promising outfit and sure, maybe there are people out there that like to hump colourful bags of laundry

An extraordinarily rude assistant directs her to the back after a full up-and-down. All of the other applicants are very young and extremely well coiffed with legs fully out; that explains the look somewhat.

Ah Julie, she leaves, runs to have lunch with her sister. You know, I completely get it, Julie doesn’t want to raise her children to think that the sum total of her life’s ambition and work was symmetrical towels or homemade sauces. Her sister is fully ready to support her new life’s direction and bam! Done! She’ll front her money for a new space and everything!

Jean calls Claire (Tanya Fear) for lunch and f*cking, and then is forcibly hooded and abducted by Nelson Clay’s thugs. Nelson’s been thinking.

Looks like “no is not an option” as Martin thought. As I expected, they would like to further avail themselves of Jean’s cleaning services. I am sensing more cleaning scenes! YAY!!

Martin has decided to deal with Cranky Neighbour (Gareth) on his way oot, they don’t even hear him coming in and tucking the dog away over their shouting. Gareth (Andrew Whipp) doesn’t want to pay for nursing care for his father-in-law, and this somehow leads to Martin picking him up by his balls. I suppose if some ahole is willing to charge you with assault for a little push, you may as well go the full testicle. Meaningful eyecuddling with Lorraine was foreplay, I gather, and just as things start to get a little “Why, I’m so grateful, however can I repay you? I seem to have misplaced my chequebook,” Martin’s phone RUINS it.

It’s Jean, of course, looking for big brother help, but that’s okay, since Martin won’t be moving out now, he and Lorraine can pick up whenever…Martin steals a skateboard and is off to the rescue! Paperwork has caught up to him, however, the van that Gareth had towed has notified the drug dealers of his whereabouts (they owned the van) and it’s just a matter of time before things get even more complicated. And when there’s already been a 4-way shootout over one empty drug mule, that’s saying something.

Martin flirts with Jean’s staff and grabs the van keys from a skeptical (and David Beckham loving Maureen); I see how they’re setting Martin up as some kind of madcap bad boy Lothario, but you’re going to have to try harder than that to erase the memory of dat grey ginch plus borrowed toothbrush. And I LIKE ’em big!

Julie is cleaning out the studio and tells the children she will be working on creating pretty things. The kids ask if she’s been hanging out with their aunt again, so I’m guessing this is not as new as it sounded at lunch.

Jean apologizes to Martin, who has come to save the day in Jean’s work van: time to clean up a 1989 Jaguar that looks like a Buick!

NOW THE CLEANING!!! SQUEE!! I swear, it’s like meditation. Except not when Martin’s doing it, too herky-jerky. Get a rhythm, schlub! Victor sidles up to introduce himself and for a chat with Martin about Jean, but I can’t really suss what they’re saying except that Jean’s being doing it since he was a child.

They roll the car into the stable for the final check under blacklight and there’s one last bloody fingerprint: bam!

Jean planted that fingerprint, but it’s really the goons that were doing the stage-setting. They inside of the car was splattered with animal blood, not human, and Nelson’s brother Victor, who was bothering Martin just then, loses the bet if Jean would be able to tell or not. Nelson really wants them to be friendly business partners, not just working under duress, so he invites them in for a drink. What he says then reminds me of the Wellick’s business plan on Mr. Robot: once he knew that a “unique resource” like Jean’s crimescene cleaning existed, he couldn’t carry on without it. Like the internet.

Nelson is an anarchist: he thinks society is unacceptable and I really see a lot of similarities in a lot of what’s going on with Mr. Robot. Ohhhh, Crooked Cop Tom is there; getting help from Clay, how will that work? If Clay is helping Tom, then will Tom be allowed to keep squeezing Jean?

Jean and the brothers have a nice little get to know you meeting with Clay, who is explaining how everything will work. Jean informs Clay that Martin is his partner and just then I am struck by how different these fraternal units are. Anyway, Jean also doesn’t want to be around when any crime is being committed and I assume he means any crime but THE ONE HE IS DOING, cleaning up crime scenes illegally and all that.

Martin meets the missus in the garden, Sonny (Kate Magowan) looks much younger than our Nelson, and exceedingly busty in teeny tiny shorts. She tells Martin to be honest with Nelson and he’ll he fine; Martin swears he never lies. She doesn’t think she can trust someone who never lies and I get that. I have a fambly member like that; prefers to shade and clobber with the truth. Gets that extra righteous-y smack in. I’m sure that’s not what Sonny means, however, it’s all flirty and eyecuddly and I call grey ginch again!

Martin is advised away from the lady fair by Frank and Victor; he decides the time is right to sell them the purloined drugs from last night. And he lies straight away! I mean, honestly. And one of them is missing, so Maddy DID get at it. That won’t end well. The Bastieres are released and Martin races home to brace the children about the drugs.

He pulls up outside the house, running into the obstreperous Gareth walking his dog. There is some thoroughly inappropriate dialogue involving bestiality and Lorraine but the real problem is that the puppy eats one of the heroin packets that falls on the ground. Martin must have been the worst drug dealer EVER, he’s forever losing track of his product!

Martin braces Maddy, who admits to borrowing books but swears she flushed the drugs down the toilet. Martin tries to retrieve, but honestly, I’d be more worried about a 13 year old girl who is being sMothered to death has handled hard drugs. At that age, it can go either way.

Martin goes to finish what he’s started with Lorraine; poor Rooney the dog died after imbibing the drugs. He and Gareth were soulmates, it seems, and Cranky Neighbour is inconsolable. Not so Lorraine, who Martin firmly rogers up against a brick wall. Just ONCE, I’d like to have proper sex like that, so I’m not focusing on all the brick-rash being incurred in all the wrong spots as I am right now. Ouch ouch ouch ouch!

Supper time! The kiddos want to know why they never see Grandma and Grandpa; Jean’s mom is in a hospital in France and Jean’s dad died after a boating accident that sounds fishy AF. The kids really are spoiled, but a scold session turns into a food fight and yay! Nice family moment and they need that. Julie and Jean have some quality alone time and they needed that even more, yay! AND he started a new job today!

Maddie totally kept those drugs and I’m only surprised that Martin didn’t look in that most obvious of places: a treasure box.

Speaking of the new job, Jean dreaming of his past is interrupted for a work callout; CLEANING TIME!! Whee!!

Oh, NOT cleaning time, revelation time. The mess is DCI Tom, the crooked cop that was jacking Jean for 5 thousand pounds. Huh. How is he meant to take that? Was that a signing bonus or something? And we’re oot.

I will say that the re-watch has reminded me of some of the other things I liked about this show; the cinematography is stunning and the scoring and music is spot on. From what I can tell, nothing significant was cut from the original version, save some extra Nelson Clay screen time: and we can always use more of that. Until next time!