Welcome to Apres Ski from Bravo! These recaps were originally published on Bookie Wook

Finally, Canadians to make fun of besides myself!! This is a Bravo show, but I’m just excited because I LURVED MTVs Peak Season, which was also set in Whistler, but based around the broke skids who party and ski there; so let’s see what high-end SkiTown looks like! JSierra suggested it, I’m ‘cited!

We open with Joey Gibbons talking about his plan to be a billionaire; he wants a global brand. He’s doing that by assembling a crack team of supafly concierges (there are crack teams roaming the streets?) and it’s kind of reminding me of Below Deck and their crack team of stews and chef (s) catering to the super wealthy. I will say that there is more plaid and hand tattoos than I’ve seen in other customer service people, yay Canada!

First we meet Jim, our bearded Swedish concierge, hiya Jim! Oh. Not Swedish,  just mumbly.

And then we have Elise, an east coast chick from the city.There aren’t many women walking around Whistler in a fur coat, mini skirt, 6 inch heels and patterned nylons, during the day, anyway, so I’m pretty sure we would have figured that out! She looks really familiar and I will ask The Google where from I know her. I figured it oot!! She was on Hell’s Kitchen with my boyfriend Gordon Ramsay and from what I remember,  she was a great chef with a baaaad attitude. Lesseee!

Tamara is Joey’s second in command and she will be directing Elise, who will be directing everyone else. She plays Good Boss to Elise’s Bad Boss.

And we meet Bobby of the hand tattoos! He has a super deep voice and his eyebrow game is on POINT. He alludes to being a hookah. I think. Going pro at partying, woo hoo!

Next up is Charlotte, who’s an assistant to the concierges and has a super deep voice and looks like a Canadian Brooke Shields.  Mad brows

Elise is already picking apart Jim showing up grungy and smelling his hockey socks (NEVER SMELL THE HOCKEY SOCKS!!); she’s all dressed up like Cookie and Paul Bunyan is offending her. First day, yo!

Kendra is our linguist concierge and see how I didn’t go dirty there? It’s because I didn’t know if she was good at it or not. At any rate, she can speak Mandarin and let’s just say: that will be INVALUABLE in the Lower Mainland. She lost! And I’m hypnotised by her glistening pink lips while she yaks Chinese (Mandarin or Cantonese, I dunno which) at me.

Tamara is really good at getting the team to open up; Elise: not so much.  The same tahred old questions about “what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses” blah blah blah but in a GROUP, so yay that! Everyone squirms, which means that they don’t know the only right answers: strength: I care about my work and am committed to making a difference / weakness: I care TOO MUCH about my work and just can’t seem to leave it there.  *humblebrag smile / simper optional*

Charlotte’ s eyebrows are so distracting!  Kendra says her weakness is archery and I now love her for more than her gooey, fascinating lips.

Joey Gibbons walks in and they call him the Donald Trump of Whistler, with better hair (debatable), apparently he owns all the bars and clubs around there and see how Elise doesn’t give him side eye for dressing like a well-off lumberjack? She’s one of those people that treat people above her much differently than those below her.

First client: Kiki! I cannot not see kaikai and it’s messing with me. Kiki with PhiPhi! Anyway, she’s a SAHM, former model and horse show-jumper. So exactly like me! The SAHM bit and just like none of the rest. Alycia and Ruth will be accompanying Kiki and wow. So many mink eyelashes and pouty selfies. Jim is hoping for cougars, woo hoo!

The men argue over who will be objectified first, yay!! Equality. There will be dog sledding and spa-ing and they get to planning.

The concierges all head to the house they will be staying in; Bobby is so gay. He thinks Jim is like an 1967 Oldsmobile: good for selfies but not exactly convertible. Maybe after 4 beers. Jim is chivalrous, though and Kendra is ecstatic that he is carrying all her luggage up to the house. She threatens to lay out nekkid on the white fur rug and I bet she’d look great! It’s the lips.

Awwww they’ve decided it’s Wine O Clock and I see cans of Kokanee everywhere! It’s a terrible,  terrible beer that is made in BC really close to my home town and it takes me back. They’re already gossiping about Elise and Kendra demurs.

Montage! And more inappropriate clothing from Elise. She’s dressing for New Yawk or Vegas and it reminds me of when I moved up to the oil sands from Vancouver with a suitcase full of nothing by dresses.  I cried in the bathroom a lot.

Charlotte and Bobby work on Esthetics and helicoptering while Jim wrangles the big sledding team. Kiki looks like Laurie from the first season of Real Housewives of Orange County! ! Their day is laid oot and Charlotte cleans up okay. She forgets one of the three guest names and really? Oh, and Kiki is TERRIFIED of heights. Flying a helicopter in to the hot springs…Charlotte says they’re all drooling over Bobby because he is exactly what they want in a man….except he isn’t.  Um. Whut? He totally is a man, right? I can usually tell if we’re talking factory original or not, so Imma call that a miscommunication.

Finally the last concierge shows up, she is Lynsey and she’s from ‘Murica and likes to jump out of helicopters. Um. She asks everyone to introduce themselves and state their role, starting with Elise, who tells her she’s Lynsey’s boss. That’s a brass load of balls right there. Pfft Muricans.

The next two couples arriving are Rob & Andrea and Courtney & Royden. They’re foodies and adrenaline junkies from Victoria.  Victoria is BEAUTIFUL. Elise talks about popping this group’s Whistler cherry and Jim is as freaked out as I am. She has all this energy all of a sudden and I have this vision of producers taking her in the back room, checking her face for cuts, spraying water in her mouth, slapping her butt and telling her to get back out there and you GOT this!

The next four people show up and Bobby actually shares a flask with the big one. That seems…friendly? The concierges have decided to leave the foodie guests in the dark re: meals and awwww Royden says the Canadian aight: “beauty”. It’s going to be on top of the peak!

Bobby orders a boatload of booze and Lynsey just doesn’t drink. Ought to be fun, especially since she says she’s a shit girlfriend  Charlotte has a boyfriend but he’s in Vancouver and Jim just doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m going to say that being a good girlfriend or boyfriend should not be a goal. Be a good person!

Jim and Lynsey get along really well on the way to the dog sledding while Elise works out in lieu of sex. Aww, she got divorced.  Marriage is tough, y’all. Oh my goodness, she left her 7 year old son at home and wow. Tough row to hoe, lady. Imma cut her some slack.

Lots of meaningful eye contact with Kiki’s team and they cuddle up in the dogsled,  so very cool! Now I wanna go dog sledding!!

And they have a nekkid butler!! Travis is completely nude and it is very cold. I worry that Little Trav has gone back by the frozen watering hole

Elise decides this is a good time to chastise Jim and Lynsey for their casual work gear; she’s offended because they look…”Whistler”…they basically laugh at her while she suggests that they all wear similar colours and Bobby says he left his black sequins at home…Bwahahaha!

Trying to cut her some slack because she wants this to be successful and she’s trying, y’all!

Kendra asked for help with this particular task; going up to the peak and dining IN the gondola, my goodness. I wanna throw up just watching. Kendra and Elise bond over not being white snowboarders from Canada and it’s kind of sweet. And then the gondola stops. Jesusmaryandjoseph. This is why I will NEVER go on one of those

Heli-Spa time!! I do not understand the attraction to hot springs. Hot water surrounded by rocks and dirt. Yaaaay holistic healing.  Poor Bobby is about to be run ragged and I feel bad because Elise is absolutely right.  He looks homeless and should not be dealing directly with clients. Take off the plaid jacket for just one day!

They talk Bobby into drinking with them, yaaayyy! And then they are willing to literally pay him to hold their hair. He runs up and down the hill in his ginch a lot.

The gondola crew now has Charlotte helping and um. Kendra has never ever served another person in her life. No hospitality background.  None. And she’s a concierge. She decides that her boss must do this and hey! When did that become an option for being shit at your job?

Bobby is running around in his underwear and toque while all three women hag all over him and it’s kind of fun.

Elise meets the 4 guests and they’re all hungover and Elise looks cold and scolds them for drinking on the gondola and has no idea what mountain they’re on and clearly, she has ZERO idea of how to treat the wealthy. You don’t scold, YOU bring the booze, with a wink, because they’re special and rules don’t apply to THEM.  Then make fun of them in interviews. This is basic stuff, Elise! Gaaww. More scolding! Gahhh

The ladies are pissed because they specifically asked about footwear, and Charlotte’s Brows were right when she said that heels should have been warned against. The girls jump on the boy’s backs, opa!

As a side note: hangover and gondolas do not mix. We’ve got a vomity vegan and it’s not looking good for our fledgling startup. Elise is serving them and the problem is that she is just not a server. She drops the vegan bomb and seriously. Kendra is right when she says that if you don’t tell anyone you are vegan, you’re a jerk.

This gondola idea is just the worst idea EVER. You’ve got to be joking; they ask for their money back and that’s NOT right.  If you don’t tell someone you’re vegan and your hungover ass can’t take a gondola ride and you aren’t even the PRIMARY, you sit your ass down. Man. Elise is just no good at the arsesucking that is required.

And that’s it for this epi! What did you think?? I love Bobby, Jim’s fine, Kendra’s awesome, Charlotte is your basic Canadian Brooke Shields and Elise, well, she left a lot behind to do this.  So. And Lynsey is a cocky ahole, but I wanna see what she can do besides arrange nekkid butlers and expect everyone to introduce themselves to her late butt. Until next week!