Woo hoo somebody’s getting sum in Canadia on Après Ski!!!

We left a weeping (it’s okay, it’s okay) Kendra having an exceedingly not okay supper after a grueling weekend with 6!kids!; let’s see what these crazy Canuckladians will get up to this week!

It’s very quiet in the house the morning after The Big Fight,  or as Kendra will call it: Everyone Hates Me. Bobby really thought that discussion would be helpful, but I don’t know if “you’re not the boss of me!!!” ever really goes over well. He and Charlotte cuddle and he has the coolest bewbies!

Lynsey is back from Revelstoke, BC, and every time I hear her say that she had a photo shoot there I wonder if she is being Punk’d. Cause I been there.

Kendra is all bleary and tries to load the dishwasher while it’s running and Jim looks at her like she just euthanized his dog in a non-humane way. It’s just THAT tense in the house. Jim creeps me oot when he says “Oh no sweetie. Thanks.*deaddogstare*”.So much wrong with all of that!

Hey I was so busy being creeped out that I missed that Jim is cleaning!! A Canadian male. Cleaning and sweeping and knowing how to turn on the dishwasher and errythang! Do you think they taught him for the show?  Like a boot camp?

Elise is trying, y’all. She’s decided to manage Jim in a different, empowering way. She’s even oot of her spike stilettos for a minute and is in some really cute ski boots. Jim is taking her snowboarding on the kid’s hill, also known as the Bunny Hill, aka hahahahahahahaha. She falls a LOT. And then they have a Meaningful Bonding Session in the snow and I can allllllmmoost see the Bravo producer’s hand scootching Jim closer for more Meaning.

Jim works out with a baseball cap on, man. I wish that weren’t the norm. Do you know how hard it is to get sweat out of those bastages? DO YOU? ?

Bobby and his hag go for coffee while Kendra and Elise bond over what looks like muligatawney soup and now I must have some. The producer, I mean Elise, asks Kendra how dinner went and here I have to bring up Dramz Queen’s face and attitude.

LOOK! I didn’t even brush my hair!!

Which screamed “ASK ME WHAT’S WRONG” so loudly that I almost couldn’t hear her say that she just wishes they would tell her what is actually going on. But. They DID. They did tell you,  Bossy LastMinute McBossypants with no BackupPlan! You may have missed it because you were too busy crying into your food for effect. Like now. Aww man, I really liked Kendra in the beginning!  Don’t be Typical!

Elise thinks their issue is Jim not respecting women in authority and that may be in play here, but I think HER real problem is that he could do her job. And better. Step it up, Elise! She invokes the Reality Show Mantra for Kendra: You’re Not Here To Make Friends and I bet they make those bumper stickers in Ye Olde Bravo Gift Shoppe. Maybe Kendra should move in with Elise?

Bobby has a blind date! So maybe he can stop poking Charlotte somewhere uncomfortable during cuddletime. He dresses up in his GOOD grey hoodie and red plaid and baseball cap and this is what we’re up against, Non-Canadians. THIS is date wear in Canadia. The struggle is real.

For the record, he also wore this to meet clients, so mebbe they’re all just clueless. He sets up a Help/Hinder bar call for an hour after it starts with Charlotte, he’s 29 but seems…younger. But looks older. I lurve Bobby, really, but. THOSE ARE NOT DRESS CLOTHES. I was just wondering why he isn’t using Tindr, or is it Grindr? Which is it?????? Anyway, one of the “r” apps, and it turns out he is! And he may have seen peen. Charlotte is kinda. Crude.

Ian, Bobby’s date, is adorable,  and I have to wonder how that text flurry went*:

B: hey, bruh, kewl double shocker, wanna hook up? *tongue hanging out + glasses face*

I: I’m DFW, bruh *winky face*

B: OKTBCC?

I:?? *smileyface*

B: okay to bring camera crew? *winky smile**panting puppy*

*I have no idea how the youngs mate these days

Bobby calls Whistler the Vegas of Canada for hookups and, well, I’ve not been to Vegas but I don’t remember a whole lot of parkas, sleddogging or grey hoodies in the pictures. Hey! Ian is English! And adorable and they eyehump for awhile and I almost feel all creepy and voyeuristic until I remember,  of course, I AM creepy and voyeuristic and gay pron is AWESOME.

Ian doesn’t look happy when all of Bobby’s friends show up, if I were Bobby I’d have been giving them the “GO!! GO!!! WE’RE GONNA HUMP, JUST GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” sign, but then, I’m a romantic. Lynsey asks who tops and who bottoms and Ian says they rock, paper and scissor it oot. I bet being out and gay and in mostly straight communities means answering a lot of extremely personal questions from incredibly rude people.  Think fast: when’s the last time you asked someone you worked with whether they liked to be the pinner or pinnee? Okay, you just keep thinking about that and get back to me in the comments.

Ian is done waiting, I mean, he’s only in town for the weekend, BOBBAY, and apparently they have a Slam Slam room, so he moves in and plants a kiss on Bobby that makes Lindsey purr like a fatally injured cat. I’m guessing Jim  doesn’t have fully functioning ear drums because he leans into it and they eyecuddle for a bit.

Bobby is in a good mood and Charlotte is too inquisitive and Elise cleans in full makeup and a lingerie jumper?  Like a closed babydoll? Put on some clothes while Larry the Camerman is wandering around!

Elise Skypes with her kiddo and he’s adorable and just as I’m wondering why he’s staying with her Aunt Mary instead of his dad  oh! He IS at his dad’s, and apparently that’s a problem. Ohhh and he’s staying there. Well, as he should,  really,  right? Divorce is hard, yo. Elise is worried that he won’t want to come live with her when she gets home and I get it, girl. But you can’t do that. He has a parent there.

Meeting time! Elise ALREADY looks pissed off. New clients!  Dez is a semi-pro snowboarder and entrepreneur (which means trust find baby with ADHD) who owns an underwear company called MyPackage. Does that make him the Canadian Rob Kardashian? The guys are all cute and stubbly and they know Jim. Lynsey is intrigued.

The other clients this weekend are Alexis and Mark, billed as some of Vancouver’s wealthiest. How can I say this…without sounding…

Maybe I’ll just leave it. Let’s just say that that is not what I would expect Vancouver’s wealthiest couple to look like. Nice chain, Gweeds!

These people expect to be treated like royalty and I wince inside when Kendra jumps up all excited about “her people”. She just…doesn’t take good care of people.  But I respect her wanting to get in there!

Tamara asks Bobby to take the lead on the Richies and Elise is acting funny. She even says she’s “fine”, to Tamara, her boss. She isn’t your wayward boyfriend, Elise, she’s your boss and I’m guessing something is happening behind the scenes, given all the eye rolling and humphing Elise is doing.

They call the client and Elise gets made to talk, even though she asked to just listen and…THIS IS ALL IN FRONT OF THE CLIENT. My goodness.  Does this have anything to do with Tamara and Joey coming down so hard on the team? DO they think it’s her fault?

Elise starts the meeting explaining that she’s having issues with her kiddo not adjusting well and Bobby is right when he says that it just cannot happen like that. He says something to Elise,  that must have it’s own line. She says she was quiet, he says it was more like

“I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH MY FACE”

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHSHSHAHHANAAAAHHHHHAAA

*breathe*

Hahahahahhahahhahhahahjajajjajjajjjjaahhhh

Because she totally was!! She totally wanted to!!! And he called her on it!! Elise.  Well, she shared something personal; that was not an invitation to judgement and she mad again. Charlotte and Jim try to stop the laughing by staring fixedly at the wall.

The group decides on a special after-hours spa experience and blah blah dirty rockpools holistic healing blah herk blah

Tamara calls Elise into her office to discuss her extremely inappropriate behaviour in front of the clients; Elise talks about missing her kiddo and worrying about his living situation and Tamara is down.  Total Canadian Boss.

The snowboarding and skiing clients are up first, Lynsey and Jim meet Joe, Dez and (hawt) Adam. Jim is thinking this will be humbling experience, to serve his peers, but I’m wondering if Jim and Lynsey were kind of expected to monetize their relationships, a la Ballers?

Anyway, they’re gonna go heliskiing and now night skiing on Whistler mountain in light suits. HAYULL NO. Skiing in the light is dangerous enough and jumping out of a perfectly good helicopter?  I’ll be in the pub organizing appies.

The Richies from Vancouver show up and Charlotte isn’t buying it either. They explain the spa and food plan to the clients that JUST got back from Jamaica. Two days before. And then came to Whistler.  They’re going to get awful colds and have nobody to blame but themselves! They ask for a butler. A BUTLER.

Bobby makes fun of Elise for asking for grocery carrying help after walking up with…flowers and a baguette. All those muscles…Elise says she’s cooking dinner for the Richies and could do this with a hand tied behind her back, an eye patch on…and OEC screams “BIG DEAL YOU HOSER”.

Elise needs a mirror while she’s cooking and Bobby and I are confused.  Is she…watching herself? Blowing rails? So! Many! Questions! Oh. But it’s just to arrange food on.

Charlotte tries to help Elise with asparagus and guuuuuuurll, well. Elise said it best: “bitch, this ain’t your show!” Telling a chef about how to prepare food??

While tensely preparing dinner (this looks fun!!! But whatever the opposite of fun!!!!! is), Bobby bugs and bugs and bugs Kendra to be the Richies butler. But. Charlotte is THERE to be the assistant; wouldn’t that be HER wheelhouse?? Kendra finally agrees but that ain’t right. I don’t even think it’s a Black thing, although I clearly wouldn’t be the demographic to make that call, I think it’s a pushy Bobby thing. Elise! You should have said something! ! However. She does need to learn to serve. But when they have a junior staff member right there…

Lynsey and Jim work out together and he hurt himself. He said he went through a breakup and decided to go for a motorcycle ride to clear his head and had an accident. So I bet he pulled a Pauly from True Detective and was all pouty and driving without lights on gravel roads and unlike TV, wiped the eff oot. Anyway, serious injury, long time rehab. Still working in it.  He’s still going heliskiing and night skiing, though! #walkitoff

The night ski suits are awesome,  and for 10k each they oughta be. I’m nervous but I bet it looks wicket cool! And it does!! They’re insane. Only 3 of them are in suits, the rest are using their poles to feel along?

Meanwhile, at the Scandinave Spa, which is shut down entirely for their clients use, Charlotte with the no degrees (Kendra has two and speaks 4 languages, ya heard) and no chef experience (Elise was on Hell’s Kitchen and has a degree from the Culinary Institute) feels as though they’re all equal in her eyes and this assistant title is demeaning to her.

Ohhhhh noooooooo Kendra introduces herself as the butler and says she’s here in style and service and ALL BLACK. Nobody knows where to look, except me, who notes she is wearing ALL BLACK and isn’t referring to her skin. I think.

Being rich must mean you’re used to having people be around you all the time, would.not.like. Go away and lemme enjoy my massage without Larry the Cameraguy perving from the corner (he’s into chubbies).

Elise created a beautiful meal and she, Bobby and Charlotte all watch Kendra serve the clients. That was not good.

Heliskiing time! Once more,  HAYULL NO. Me and Lynsey worry about Jim’s knee while all the guys go rippin. That’s what the youngs say, right? I’m scurred. He’s fine. So much fun. HAYULL NO

Charlotte and Bobby talk over wine and gab about Bobby’s ex Steve. He wants to stay friends with Steve, but…he doesn’t want to lead him on. Blah blah trying to make something outta nothing blah.

Jim is using his electro-stim at home when Charlotte and NekkidBobby act like the creepiest threeway creepers since Natural Born Killers. Nice bum though, FunBobby!

After client dinner! Bobby triple fists it with champagne, rosè AND lager. Elise passes on only good feedback, yay! Jim bails but Elise stays and…will not be good. She’s a prickly porcupine and so is Kendra. Oh man. Kendra is absolutely playing the race card and.  Sigh. Oh no. Bobby is just so clueless. He takes credit for pushing her into the role of butler that got her client kudos and says he would NEVER have asked Charlotte to do it.  He favours her because she’s his best friend. Oh man.

They stop beating around the bush and Elise throws down a “of course you ask the BLACK girl” and Bobby responds with a “oh FCUK YOU!” and. They need to stop talking.  Oh nooooo.

And we oot