Hello y’all and welcome to Bachelor in Paradise! Full disclosure: I have watched this with an online group since it’s inception 3 years ago but refuse to watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Since I’m a little fuzzy on specific peeps and my fellow ‘capper Renoblondee is ALLLLS about the Baches, we will be trading off recapping duties on this. I recapped it on our old book club site last year (don’t ask, it made sense at the time), you can find those starting here: Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 Recaps. Without further ado: ladies and gentlemen, Bachelor in Paradise Season three!

One more thing for full, full disclosure, I’ve just started watching UnReal and that will be affecting absolutely everything you read here. And we’re off!

We start with a trailer for what we’re in for this year, looks FUN! Except for the worst IV ever, that shizz is not cool, man

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVrM4xdQ2eo

I know not of this Chad, but he looks to be most of the upfront entertainment, and oh man. Sarah’s back? I love you Sarah: this is not your show. This is a show for vacuous nobody-hardbodies to pretend to fall in love while under the influence of much, much tequila pushed by the fabulous Jorge. You remember Jorge!

And Sarah too, I bet. She did fairly well in season one of BiP, but was too smart to go along with what was being spoonfed to her as a relationship and bailed. Y R U HEER AGAIN??

We’re with Chris Harrison and he’s just soooooo…glib. He’s smart enough to bring in Jorge right away and tell us that Jade and Tanner already got married, so we won’t be opening the season with it like we did last year with Marcus and (totally pregnant) Lacey tying the knot. Did Jade and Tanner get married on TV? Don’t answer that, I don’t curr.

Haley and Emily, the twins from Ben’s season are up first, they look exactly the same (durr) but swear they look completely different. To me, they look exactly like every other reality starlet trynna make it on the big bad world of reality TV, so Imma struggle regardless.

Look! Jillian’s black box is back!

Oh sure, they’re TOTALLY marriage material, everyone wants to marry a ditzy blonde or two to watch her play leapfrog with her sister in labia-baring shorts!

Next we have Nick, who was runner-up in TWO seasons of the Bachelorette: Andi and Kaitlyn (I actually know of Kaitlyn, she was in the one season of The Bachelor I watched! She’s a fellow Canuck and her parents live not far away from where I do. They showed it on the show, I’m not a stalker, really!). How does one be The First Loser back-to-back on TWO reality shows? How does that work, HipsterNick? Over a montage of working out, he tells us about being considered a villain (too soft-spoken) but no, he’s genuine! Genuinely looking for love for the third time on a televised game show of the human heart.

Jubilee calls herself Military Girl from Ben’s season, but Reno and JS called her Boobilee, which doesn’t SOUND all that military… she’s pretty and fun but fighting a case of RBF. This is what she thinks is a happy medium, the pageant death grimace

Evan is from JoJo (THAT IS NOT A NAME FOR A HUMAN)’s season of The Bachelorette and introduces HIMSELF as Erectile Dysfuction Specialist. I mean. He’s too fey for my tastes, but I hear lots of people are into that sort of thing, no T no shade no pink lemonade! Chad ripped Evan’s shirt but he has his mojo back and more than one kid, huh. Well.

The Chad is up next, he’s from JoJo’s season as well, of course, otherwise he couldn’t have ripped Evan’s shirt (which Evan kept. Whet?) where he didn’t make any friends. Grant, Jordan and Evan were his targets but it looks like Daniel’s got his back at least. He has an adorable puppy named Pumpkin, awww, and packs an entire suitcase of protein supplements while waxing poetic about how romantic he is. He wants to meet Lace!

Lace is our Party Girl, aka Schwasted who came off a little…crazy on Ben’s season and sure. I know not of this Ben, but he looks like a schweaty Ken Doll, is that what people are into? She drinks an entire glass of wine on camera while narrating about how much she’s changed…and I think if you’ll check your contract…

Did you know Daniel was Canadian?

That’s right, ladies, there are douchbros everywhere, yaaaaay. He’s from JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, which he can’t pronounce, compares himself to herpes, intimates that he’ll be doing dudes if this gig doesn’t work out and forgets that pterodactyls are extinct, all in a one minute intro. Slow claps, Canuck. Slooow clapps.

Amanda from Ben’s season is up next, she’s really pretty and shy-seeming, but has one of those nasally voices and slow way of speaking that makes you want to cover your ears and hum Mary Had A Little Lamb.

She has two little girls which we get to watch Ben exploit for screen time in excruciating detail. I mean. I got into a fight at the end of last season and it ultimately led to the end of a long-term friendship about when you introduce kids to someone you’re dating (it made sense at the time, now it sounds crazy I know) but I’ve reversed my position on kiddos and would strongly suggest you never introduce your children to someone on TV. Like: ever. Her timeline confuses me: she didn’t date anyone for two years post divorce and kiddos until Ben, but her youngest daughter Charlie is 2. How does that work?

We’re done with the cast bios for now, back to Paradise in Playa Escondida in Vallarta-Nayarit we go! Amanda is the first to arrive, she really is so pretty. Chris reminds her of the stakes (Jade and Tanner got married – NO PRESSURE) and sets her free to welcome the other bros and hos.

Nick is the second to arrive, he’s slender, huh? I’m not gonna be picking at bods, I think that’s harmful all around, but somehow from all the schweaty pics I thought he was… bigger. Blah blah feeling feelings blah open mind blah emotions: hit the bar, sailor!

Amanda greets him with a drink in hand; he slides right into the cheese: “ever made out in a thunderstorm before?” ON A SUNNY DAY WITHOUT A CLOUD IN THE SKY. Step it up, hipsterbro. I love how attached these people get immediately; first man and woman to meet: bonded for life. Let’s see how many times they refer back to this fateful meeting during the rest of the series!

Cherries Jubilee is the third person to arrive, not much backstory except that Ben dumped her in Mexico, so she’s antsy. Next up in oddly shiny shorts is “Penis Guy” Evan. Cherries didn’t think much of him on JoJo’s (STILL NOT A NAME) season, but he looks better in person and if you’re looking for a textbook definition of Damning With Faint Praise: there you have it.

Oh gawd, Evan has three boys like me! Amanda’s impressed, because it’s like cool to be a parent (sigh) and we’re sharing visions of The Brady Bunch except with lotsa nannies and famewhoring. Amanda melts Evan’s “fricking heart with her cuteness” and he “can’t even deal” and I can’t EITHER! For totally different reasons.

Remember what I said about instant attachment? Evan wants to close the doors to Paradise, they got a great group here, they’re done! And everyone who comes after will henceforth be Outsiders. But not the cool ones like Ponyboy.

Too late, Vinny’s here! He’s 28 and from JoJo’s season and he’s ready to party in Pyorto Voyartee!

He’s kinda cute, but forgettable, so let’s see how he does in the drunken jello wrestling that is Bachelor in Paradise.

Ohhhh Eyebrows Carly is back in Paradise! She had a horrible time last season; she fell in love with Kirk, who failed to mention the lack of reciprocity until it was time to go, people don’t do that, right? Coast in a relashie, shoplifting the pootie and then dropping the bomb just as someone moves to sublet their apartment? Carly’s always had a complicated eyebrow situation, they look good! I saw her on The Bachelor, she made friends with Prince Farming by talking shite about other girls and has that ever once worked, Cruise Singer Carly? Nah

Nobody blinks when she arrives, but Vinny chats her up a bit as she talks about test driving cars.

Grant from JoJo’s season (that ended the night before, so, great recovery time, fellas!) has at least broken away from the boys’ uniform of linen shorts and dress shirts artfully rolled up to almost 3/4 length, rocking a t-shirt. He has an interesting face, with Kirk Douglas’s jaw slightly askew.

and isn’t interested in all the guys he sees, or apparently the ladies either. He’s just gonna hang back and see what happens. The boys are all gossiping about Chad and Canadian Daniel (seriously, they call him that, like it’s a designation, says Canadian TTM) while pretending they know their WWII history. Nick strikes me as a guy who secretly high fives himself after working Hitler into a conversation (I may have done that) and pees himself when he sneaks in a Mussolini on the side.

Oh look who’s arriving now in a complete coincidence! It’s The Canadian (there’s just the one, I gather. In all of Canada) and yaaaay. Sure Herpes is treatable now, but it still shows up when you least want it to: anniversaries, first night mixer in Paradise…

Hey, I think he’s stolen my mom-jorts! What? He immediately trash-talks all the women, who he will be sucking up to later. He’s not making a great impression for Canada, yo. “Nothing I’d really touch. The one blonde girl *pulls face*, oof, maybe if I had a couple of drinks in me” and I think I’ve figured out why he’s single!

Evan is not impressed, he “obviously wasn’t expecting Daniel to be there” because… he has a cast list? He’s the one member of the cast chosen by the producers to confide in who will be there? He’s trying to figure out their complicated relationship (sigh) while the rest of the cast drinks 5 feet away.

Somehow we lose Daniel while Evan joins the rest of the gang lounging on the beach gossiping about Chad. Nick’s ‘CITED, he thought Chad looked entertaining! Cherries thinks Chad looks savage and she likes savage; they’re all really gonna like him! This would be foreshadowing if ABC understood subtlety.

Vinny and Daniel are also discussing Chad on a day bed while Sarah arrives. Oh Sarah, I love you. This is not your show. You’re really cool and very pretty but fake speed dating under the influence is not your gig, you found that out last time.

Her hair looks like shite though, get thee to a Chatters for some cheap shampoo that still has a warranty! She interviews that she “like I deserve it, right?” And it’s like when I’m drunk and shouting at a Donair place that I deserve poutine at 3 am: they don’t serve dat dere.

Daniel’s on a roll now, he’s gone past referring to women as numbers, moving on to comparing them to various foodstuffs (wait, are women supposed to be luscious like fruit or crispy like french fries? I confused) until the twins’ arrival excites him and Vinny. They want to “check out all the bulges”; one even wants specifically to meet Daniel. I think we have our Mensa match made in heaven!

Emily gets dragged off first by The Canadian, what Vinny would give to “be a fly on that wall” AS THEY STAND ON THE BEACH (that was for JSi, that was hilarious). Daniel talks about not staying in Vancouver forever (you know he’s in Surrey *sage nod*) and then high fives her, which horrifies Haley. Emily doesn’t like that!

Remember when you were 23 and you thought you knew everything you were ever going to like and you thought you knew everything there WAS to like? Oh Haley.

Cherries is in lurrrve, but she’s not saying who, no! Never! Let’s see who’s next?? Oh, not You-Know-Who but Izzy, who nobody knows and Sarah thought was Jillian. I loved Jillian, she had a great attitude and a killer black box, but nobody wanted to date her. Too aggressive, which is code for Can Kick Your Ass. This is Izzy from Ben’s Season, aka GenericBrunetteWithTheDrunkBabyVoice#1

Daniel jumps right on her, but that’s who she’s looking for, until he asks her age. “25” she says and he says “27” at the same exact time, then tries to cover for it with “23, 21” as she confirms, yes: 25!! They have an extremely awkward conversation about Evan and his baby-making abilities and I’m just gonna switch elsewhere. Some of Evan’s kids are adopted? And then they talk about looking at gross peni all day and does Daniel know he’s gay? Like, I assume so, deep down, but he keeps hinting. Be you, Daniel! And move to the States. Please.

Lace arrives to much squealing of the twins, yayyyy. Carly only knows her as the “crazy” one, which means she’ll be this season’s Onion, but wine-fueled, not off her anti-psych meds like poor Onion. Alas poor Onion, we never knew your over-acting arse.

Grant’s excited to see Lace’s non-existent bum too, even if she doesn’t drink vodka (she is DEAD to Renoblondee!) but he can smell the crazy on her. None for him, fanks!

Charlie’s Angels music shows us the girls running on the beach and Cherries hides in the shade. Gurl. That is a TURRIBLE WIG. Once Orvi pointed it out, it could not be unseen and it is RATCHET. Ohh and the guy she’s been waiting for is Jared. You remember Jared:

The robotic guy from Kaitlyn’s season who was pursued relentlessly by Ashley I of the constant crying? If you’ve blocked it (and god knows I’ve tried), he was the one who told Claire she was too old and decided to pursue no relashie last season. I guess people find him attractive. I think he looks like an almost-model, something Sears cut from their catalog at the last minute.

Carly and Nick are ‘CITED to see Jared, yay! Almost as much as Sarah, who drags Jared off for a talk immediately. Evan is soooo worried about Chad, you know he has to be next, right? The great white whale that is Chad rolls up to Chris Harrison on the beach: he doesn’t need money (Chris nods), he doesn’t need fame (*pause* small nod), he’s there to meet a girl!

Chris isn’t even listening, bro, he’s rubbing his fingers together in his head about how delicious it will be when everybody gets a load of this prematurely aged yahoo. He looks to have The Situation’s situation, where he’s in his late 20s but looks late 40s. Steroids are terrible, terrible things

Daniel’s so happy to see Chad, yay! Everyone else is wary, but Izzy’s ready to give it a go. Who doesn’t like a bit of a bad boy?

Remember when you were 25 and you thought bad boys were exciting and mysterious, and not just immature aholes with a good grasp of self-marketing?

Sarah thinks Chad’s just misunderstood, he’s an onion! She could see it! Oh Sarah. I love you. This is not your show.

Lace and Chad are enjoying their instant connection while I’m enjoying the fact that Chad thinks that it’s okay to be compared to Hitler and Mussolini, coz “at least all those people are rich!”

Chad apologizes to Evan, sure, it’s the BEGINNING of the night! Carly calls Daniel and Chad the first couple in Paradise as the bros touch each other’s abs and check each other’s body fat in the ocean: why is Chad wearing a belt? For beachwear? Daniel moves the conversation to all the ladies, total dogs, amirite? But no, Chad thinks they’re all pretty and Daniel’s dismayed. This is when we make fun of all the subpar chicks, man! Check the script! I’ve been doing it all day!

Chad doesn’t think they have any competition here, and sure, maybe if they’re talking on the lowest body fat or self-awareness index, I’d say they got this beat! Except Nick might give them a run for the money on the latter. Chad’s plan is as follows: “Me, Daniel, roses , alcohol, girls” DONE.

Chris Harrison arrives to stir the pot, somebody get Chad a drinkie! But no, it’s to explain the game: there is no prize and it works best if everyone is there to find fame love. I’ll break it down for you: it’s The Bachelor but with swinging. Got it?

The lovetestants get shown to their room while Evan searches Chad’s luggage illegally using a fake-Aussie accent. Sigh.

It’s gotten all Grade Nine Dance up in here, with the men chilling in their barracks and the women discussing dudes while putting on makeup. I think the idea is to MIX at a MIXER but then I’m old-fashioned.

Early possible matchups, given the chitchat are: Grant + Lace, Daniel + a twin, Nick + Amanda + Evan and the guys pretend Cherries and the rest are in the running for their affections. Cherries has finally told peeps who she’s after, so her “best friend” Emily is worried, because she also likes the wooden Jared.

Remember when you were 23 and you called everyone you spent 15 minutes with your best friend with no regard for what the word “best” actually means? Nah, me either

Cherries gets the first date card, boooo says Emily’s face. She’s off to find Jared in the infinity pool; he accepts of course! He’s practically asexual, he doesn’t care who dates. She says “all right. Thank you ” after and that sounds like she was asking who wants to play shuffleboard at the senior’s home right there.

Grant’s changed his mind about Lace; she’s fun! Let’s do shots. Now, Grant, you’re a good looking guy and you have all kinds of tattoos and that KirkDouglasAskew chin thing going on, but you can’t skip shaving your head for a day, fella. It shows why you’re shaving it if you don’t. Fun fact: Chad ALSO has the Friar Tuck impending and I JUST FIGURED OUT WHO HE LOOKS LIKE!! Randy Couture!! Chad looks like Randy Couture, it was driving me crazy!!

Lace is SUCH a jerk, picking a fight with Grant already, 5 seconds after meeting him. I don’t think Grant’s a prize either (seriously, shave it down, bro) but her drunken narcissism is boring AF. She moves on to Chad and here we go! Hold on tight!

They start by fighting over who wears the pants (her, I think?) and she’s just pick pick picking, needling away at Chad, who still thinks they’re flirting. He laughs and goes in for kisses and it’s all very romantic. Ish. You know with Izzy and Vinny watching. Moar drinkies!

She starts to get physically aggressive after a few more drinks, hitting and slapping at him “get away,” which he thinks is start of the flirting, moving behind her while slurring “dollah dollah bills, yo” and is she a stripper? Why would he say that? Does he know there are cash bonuses for sex on camera? Totally are, I bet you 50 dollar dollar bills, yo.

“Stop, you weirdo!” she hollers, then they make out some more, sure. Lots more drunken slurring followed by “bitch” “don’t call me bitch” then pouring each other’s drinks all over each other and I don’t know what’s worse, me watching (again) or the morons watching and reporting it to the rest of the group real-time. They are! They’re worse!

Chad is shouting “I got money! I got muscles! I got money and muscles!” while pulling Lace at him over and over. She’s laughing and everyone else is now laughing at him too, they all figure Lace and Chad are the types that like angry sex. You know, slap each other and spit on each other and choking and stuff like that. I will tell you this right now, men and women alike: STOP CHOKING. It’s dangerous and I don’t care if they do it in educational movies; those are trained professionals. DON’T.DO.IT

PSA over

Chad and Lace continue to “kiss fight” and “fight with their faces” while Emily and gang watches and listens. So much slapping and aggression, good times! Daniel pops his head in to see if Chad’s found “the love of his life,” but they’re not really at the talking stage right now. Lots more grinding and face-smushing ensues. They finally come join the group much later, Lace is embarrassed but Chad’s don’t curr, good times were clearly and loudly had!

Nick figures that Chad and Lace are like rats, who have a lot of sex and babies but also eat each other and who HASN’T had a relationship like that where they are either fckuing or fighting?

Remember when you were in your 20s and you thought fighting with someone on purpose because you were bored meant that you and the other person were “passionate” and not just horrifically mis-matched? Yeah

Chad and Lace come to a detente; he won’t get off the bed to do shots and she won’t come to the bed to do him. So. They stare at each other and then decide they’ve had too much to drink and call it an evening, chilling out with some water and pizza. Just kidding, she starts making dog-calling noises and walks away. He gets mad because she’s making him look like a “bitch.” But he likes it!

First ocean bounce! Saw that coming!

Cherries and Jared are off on their date; a pinata-filled restaurant covered in streamers: it’s a five-year old’s fantasy! Cherries and her ratchet wig are really fighting the heat, poor girl, but she chose Jared by committee essentially. She polled everyone and everyone thought he was awesome, so hey! That’s better than dating someone because everyone hates them, but really, should that stuff matter?

They bond over being nerds and COME ON. Okay, you can like Lord of the Rings but real nerds do not spend that much time manscaping OR applying a M.A.C. force-field. I hate how nerd is being used as the trendy way to make attractive people seem deep. News flash: attractive people can be deep all on their own, they don’t need to pretend to fake nerd-out about something and NOBODY ON THIS SHOW HAS MORE DEPTH THAN A TEQUILA SHOT.

Oh gawd and then Jared says Cherries has depth, it’s like they HEARD me! Cherries says she would seriously consider kissing Jared and neither of us can keep a straight face on that. Girl, the closest you’re going to get to lip action is if you hold his hand mirror.

A clown pops up then, scaring the shite out of Cherries and I; this is seriously the stupidest date set-up ever. They’re gonna hit pinatas? That was what her Date Card said: let’s see who you hit it off with! So.lame. The clown thinks so too; “I think they’re a beautiful couple but he’s starting to lose his hair.” HAHAHAHAHA no he’s not, what? Then the clown gets more specific and there’s honking and slapping and yeah.

Izzy and Vinny are up now, go get ’em tigers! They head into the water for the SECOND ocean bounce of the night, but Vinny is super distracted by all the cameras and won’t make a move. She’s not scurred though, she’ll go in for that first kiss! He forgets where he is for a moment and goes for boob, HAHAHAHA, he thinks it’s a big thing to kiss someone the first night! I think having someone balance on your junk in the ocean is kind of a big deal, but maybe that’s because my balance isn’t great.

Chad STILL thinks him and Lace are flirting, asking her to get him a refill, and now EVERYONE gets to watch, since they’re in the main pool next to the bar. She’s pretty much just hurling invective and hitting him over and over at this point as he tells her to find his $200 sunglasses. I’m sure with both people being fully involved in this drama and one clearly leading the situation, they’ll both come clean even stevensies later, right?

Chad’s figured out how to get a reaction of out Lace, who maybe isn’t as interested as she was. He drunkenly mumbles about wanting to “throw you under a bus (one step towards Reality Show Bingo!), tie you down, duct tape you up and…make sure you smell like peppermint” which didn’t make any sense to me until someone brought up candy canes. Ohhhhhhh!! HAHAHAHAHA

He’s kidding, he’s kidding!! She’s done joking now, screaming “you’re not NICE!” Haley or Emily is narrating the change in the Lace / Chad dynamic but I laughed at the captioning for a full minute

Lace is all done with Chad, but it’s tricky thing, disentangling from a drunken bear you’ve been poking for three solid hours. I think he calls her a c-word that doesn’t moo and it just gets worse and worse and I sure hope Lace doesn’t say she had nothing to do with his behaviour, because that would be super hypocritical and lying, right? They separate angrily and no way this will go south, a jacked up, ‘roided up extremely drunk man and an extremely drunk woman who thought she had things under control, right?

Lace walks away. I don’t know if she knew Chad would follow, but I would guess that and he does. He won’t take no or “go away, you’re hammered” for an answer, though, and that’s about to be a problem. It’s like what I said about Bobby Giancola on Below Deck Mediterranean: big guy, lots of fun. Until he gets mad, then there’s a WHOLE lot of angry big guy to deal with. Both like to wander around without shirts on, coincidentally!

Lace is calm and chugging water now; I think she realised how poorly she was coming off and maybe a producer took her aside and went over the part of her contract where the daily rate was calculated and she realised she was still in hours, not days and pulled it back a scootch.

Daniel takes Chad aside to calm him down; people are really scared right now. Chad thinks that’s hilarious and Hulks away. He lies down behind the main group and starts tearing up paper. Super scary right there. I get it, though. They don’t know what he’s capable of and he’s obviously very drunk and very angry, I’d be on edge too. Sarah decides to talk about him just then, pointing out that this drunk scary guy is supposed to give one of them a rose, one of the peeps he’s been calling a turd. I get your point, Sarah, I just don’t know if bringing it up right THEN was a great idea.

Sarah had hit a tipping point, though. She didn’t come to Paradise to be surrounded by “drunk, aggressive abusive jerks”… but she’s seen the show, right? That’s like being angry that there are fish in water. This is a situation specifically curated for exactly these shenanigans and while I would rather bathe in lye than subject myself to it personally, I’m a little confused as to what she was expecting.

This is not the time for a Women’s Studies class, Sarah. This guy is schwasted and most likely in a blackout. Nothing productive or constructive can happen here today while he is in that state. If you’re seriously worried about safety, the producers are right there, have him yanked. If it’s your sensibilities that are bruised, wait until the next day when he can actually hear you. This right here is poking the bear, Part 2.

Chad responds in pure Chad Form: “fcuk that one-armed bitch” and that is the line, folks. We have found the Fun / Not Fun line on Bachelor in Paradise S3E1 and Chad just walked his way across it. Then she makes it about herself: he has to go or she does and none of that needed to happen. Taking on an extremely drunk guy when he doesn’t have a hope in hell of understanding says a lot more about her than it does him.

He could have left out the part about “keep on sucking that famec*ck,” though.

Sarah cries in interview and I didn’t connect with it the first time I watched it with a group and now I get it. I can see it a whole lot clearer now that it’s been a little while; he was goaded into most of his reactions and yeah… drunk dbag acted like a drunk dbag. If Daniel really did like Chad as much as he said he did, he would have taken him aside and calmed him down and not given him the impression that everyone was talking about him.

Now we have Evan, Chad’s nemesis of note following him while he’s in this state. Have you ever heard of cry-bullying? It happened earlier in the year in the Canadian government, where a politician who was actively blocking the path of another politician was accidentally elbowed in the chest when our hunky Prime Minister assisted the first politician on his way through the scrum. Guess who cried bully? Not the person who was being deliberately detained, requiring a Prime Ministerial escort, but the person who was deliberately obstructing his movement. So. If you don’t want a drunken Chad lashing out at you, STOP FOLLOWING HIM AND POKING HIM.

Daniel doesn’t help again, “people really hate you now!” Prompting a “dude! Why you being so unmurdery?” He wants them to go down in flames TOGETHER, like bros!

Chad doesn’t take Daniel’s refusal lightly, smacking away his finger, and lurching away as Daniel recovers and realises he could have taken that as a swing. Don’t do that again! I’m not repeating the rest, Daniel’s a moron, but Chad finally lurches away. I sure hope nobody else decides to talk to him rationally when he’s clearly not able to converse in an even basic way!

Chad passes out next to the pool and hey, a crab will cuddle! Right into his hair and he snores us into a commercial break.

The next morning, everyone’s chill and hanging out but nobody’s seen Chad. Somehow, Chad made it back into his room, but is naked. Man, blackouts SUCK.

Everyone’s gossiping about Chad, of course. Lace thinks he has mental issues from when his mom died or something. That is very, very specific and leaves out the part you were involved with handily, Lace.

Vinny says Chad pooped his pants last night and we get a shot of Nick making smelling faces over Chad as he slept, but then we also see Chad smelling his shorts in the morning and then putting them back on, so I can bullllshite (heh) on that. A bit of extry Axe bodyspray and Chad is good to go!

Izzy is offended that Chad isn’t taking their fake dating ritual seriously, why is he here? Nobody’s talking to him, and they have hair and makeup people here, hey? The girls are full on Toddlers and Tiaras. Chad doesn’t think anyone but Army McArmison should be offended.

Chris Harrison shows up, time to go to the Rose Pavilion! Chad – what happened? Oh he just called out some people, like he always does, “oh I’m such a good person” and Lace licks her lips she’s so excited about what’s to come.

Did anyone else take it differently? Guess who? No, Guess! Sarah says he was saying horrible things to Lace and her, Chad’s answer is “she didn’t seem to mind” meaning Lace, which of course she didn’t, at the time until the end. Let’s see if she owns up to that? Well what she was doing was talking to him because she cared, she wasn’t slapping him across the face then kissing him, she was telling him to be humble! No way he could think that was her showing interest.

Sarah and Cherries are almost gleeful but Nick is bummed that the entertainment he was looking for turned out to not be as funny as he thought. I HATE it when the clowns don’t perform to standard! Dance, monkey, dance!

Chris lays it out for Chad; he turned Paradise to HELL in one night! One night! Oop, I’m guessing Chad doesn’t remember telling the staff to “suck a dick” then. His second chance is DONE! Get oot!  Chad is confused.

Chad just doesn’t get it; is Chris serious? Like for reals? You’re sending me home for sure? So it doesn’t matter what I do right now. Famous last words

He doesn’t understand still, turning to Lace and offering her an apology: she seriously didn’t have fun last night? Well she DID, but then she wasn’t and she berates him for not owning up to his actions or taking responsibility and honestly.

Chris finally manages to get The Chad moving towards the exit, swearing at crabs and Orvilla Bedinbacher had the line of the night during our live watch: “I’ve never seen a man CHASE crabs” HAHAHA. It’s all “fcuk you crabs” this and another producer is over trying to walk him off the rest of the way. He’s refusing to do an exit interview, though, he “can’t believe it happened again” and he won’t let them do this to him again.

I watched the first episode of UnReal last night because of a comment JSierra made when we watched this show live; she’s on Chad’s side. Now that I’ve seen it, I know exactly what she means: all producer manipulation and this poor bastage never had a chance.

The now-infamous “you went to sleep with a mimosa in a robe” speech to Chris Harrison follows and again, none of this had to happen. Chad was on his way out, he just didn’t want to do an exit interview, which is why Chris was brought on camera to amp up Chad’s agitation. They’d get good TV out of him one way or the other.

We’re out to “come at me” and man.

I think I made myself pretty clear (she says to herself, ain’t no way ANYONE read this whole thing) above, I think the producers had Chad there for a very specific reason and they got exactly what they wanted. They took a pretty laid-back dude, overserved the fcuk out of his increasingly volatile arse and manipulated a bunch of people into poking him. For several hours. No wonder he went off. I’d like anyone else to go through that and not end with “fcuk YOU Chris Harrison.”

I think Renoblondee will be taking over the recapping duties next week, if not you’ll get my windbaggy arse again and I’ll apologize in advance. Cheers! Now I need a DRANK.