Hi guys! I am so excited about this recap for Below Deck Mediterranean, I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a commenter! LOOKIT!! Y’all feel free to jump on in! Rolling the longest.titled.episode.EVER after the break!

We’re back with the Captain telling the crew he’ll be sending Danny to a doctor ashore, he needs to send a crew member with him. Bryan jumps in; take Jen! Whut. He’s down Danny on deck already and he’s offering another crew member? You know Tiffany’s not doing anything but counting the minutes to get back to the wine bottle in her room and waxing poetic about bird poop being “natural”, why not send her? Is Bryan planning to talk the same shite to Bobby as he does to Jen now? Make him wash the same windows three times while complaining about his lack of enthusiasm? I mean

The guests are completely unaware of what’s shaking (literally) in the bunks below, they’re here for a vacation, y’all! And Ben’s here to feed them. After all

Did it just get all soggy Below Deck? Anyone? Anyone? DAT ACCENT. Sorry, sorry

The guests want drinkies! Sure, the sun’s up and Hannah and Ben are discussing the day and no, his menu will not be ready in a half hour, because of course it won’t. YOU CAN’T RUSH ART!! Or even explain it to others on cardstock, apparently.

Bryan breaks the news to Jen; she’ll be Danny’s little “escort” and I’ve done that for a hurt person before! That meant doing their dishes and babysitting their cats and a lifelong friendship, so I say go for it, Jen! She’s insulted, though, as well she should be. She knows she’s being sloughed off instead of junior member Bobby. And she’s worried about bird flu.

Lunch time! So! Much! Yummy! sounding food!! Woot! Danny is taken off ship in a tender, inexplicably wearing rubber gloves and the guests are none the wiser.

Jeweler time!! Hannah pops champers and the guests have a great time. I WANNA BE ON THIS CHARTER!! With Kate stewing, though, sorry Hannah. She’s hilarious and you scream too much.

Bobby’s helping Julia in the galley. Julia’s OVER Ben joking about the two of them falling in love over Butterball potatoes (get back to me with red-skins and we can talk). Can’t everyone just accept them as friends? Every time someone says something like that, Bobby TOTALLY takes it as encouragement, looking at Julia like “see? See??? We should totes bang, everyone thinks so!” She is not down.

Dressing for dinner! I love these guests, they’re excited and InstaGrahaming EVERYthing! The Primary is getting a little sloshed over dinner, aww, it’s reminding Julia of her mum at Christmas. One of the guests that can still talk asks Hannah to invite the Captain for dessert.

OOOOOOH the dessert looks amazing!! Lemon panna cotta with lemon trifle custard, lemon ice cream and coconut and lemon cake. That sounds so refreshing! The Giant Freckle shows up finally while Primary stares at him with her bewbs out. Alcohol is the way to my shirt dipping too!

Linda is SCHWASTED. Captain Mark mentions his recent 16th anniversary and she goes off to the bathroom to collect herself. They just love these guests and I kind of want to put them in my pocket! And go to the Mediterranean with them.

The next morning, Bobby’s again showing his maturity by crowing over Danny being off ship, have they heard anything? Ah, just then, the tender is back with Jen. UBI Danny? Danny’s there, nothing too serious but gastroenteritis. He’ll be off for a day or so, eating bland food for awhile.

Bryan is at Jen again already, showing her knots. I can’t even. HONESTLY.

Bobby’s at Ben; does he think Danny should get part of the tip? I would say not because he didn’t work, but then the Captain just said the last time, all for one and one for all (as he took Danny’s MVP tip). Bobby just proves what a moron he can be by saying “he didn’t even TRY!” I mean. He’s on antibiotics, Big Bobby, not exactly something you can muscle through “like a man.” Troglodyte.

Ben decides to bring the argument to the man, stopping into Danny’s bunk to suggest he forfeit his tip in advance of the conversation. Danny is gutted at the thought of not sending money home to his family, but he approaches the captain and tells him he doesn’t want any of the tip. If he WAS gonna get any. The Huge Freckle will take it under advisement.

An uneventful docking later, it’s TIP TIME!! Woo hoo!! Whaddawegot?? Show me the thick envelope!!! Ooooooh it’s even thicker than normal!! The crew all loved these guests too, they wanna keep them all season (says Hannah as she rubs her fivehead on Bobby’s back – eeww).

Crew meeting! WHAT’S THE TIP?? They knocked it out of the park, $20,000 USD which means $1800 USD each after the Captain tells them of Danny’s sacrifice. That’s an awesome tip!

Julia and Bobby are carrying on in the galley; Julia, come on. I really like you, jumping on Bobby when Hannah arrives is exactly how you’ll have this yahoo thinking he’s only in temporary housing in the Friendzone.

Next guests charter meeting! We have Jesse and Katie Biter as Primaries for a two day charter. Oh, no, there’s another couple of Co-Primaries, Todd and Barbara Stainbrook. The Biters look much younger than the Stainbrooks, huh. Nope, I got that wrong, there are three Co-Primaries, and it’s all the dudes. Michael and Savannah Mothbrook and Cameron Johnson with Elise Biel are the rest of the guests: everyone with a penis is paying, so snap to it, crew!

They’re a long-time group of friends, they like to work hard / play hard and want a theme party the first night. Hannah suggests Venetian, since they already have the cheese-smelling costumes aship. The Giant Freckle wants to know about the menu system. Hannah wants Ben to write it out, he wants Hannah to write it, but the Captain will write it, as long as there’s a damn menu!

Danny’s better and raring to go! But he tries to delay handing over his phone and the Freckle isn’t having that. Bring it now! Oh and he doesn’t get it back for the entire time, not even at night. Wow. DAD???!! Come oooonn!!

Julia and Ben are chatting in the kitchen, oooh I didn’t know Ben was privately educated and from a well-to-do family, but she did. It’s fun! She messes up a word and he teases her, she finks it’s his private school sense of self-righteousness, but it ends all right.

Danny’s sitting in the crew mess, Bryan asks how he’s feeling and where his list is? Bobby listens while Danny says, TO HIS BOSS, “let’s just not talk about it any more. We’re done.” Just like that, I am on TeamFratBro, who the FCUK talks to his boss like that?? Granted, he’s a shit boss, but that was a direct shot across the bow, Bryan, whatcha gonna do? You let that pass and you will get nothing but grief from here on out. Oh and then Bobby jumps in for the tag-team, again, so not appropriate. I can’t believe Bryan let that pass, if I was Danny’s manager I would have started a disciplinary procedure right then. I’m so tough on this side of the screen, ain’t I? DON’T MAKE ME WRITE A STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER!

The stews gossip about it in the galley. Danny goes up to get some petting from Ben. Ben would really like Danny to just do the work, which EVERYONE would like, but his mouth… Danny thinks he’s learned from his mistakes, but. Everyone is tired of having the same conversations with him.

Guest arrival time! The guests are young and attractive, except for Todd. I shall call him Gramps, although he’s probably my age, mid-forties. Boat tour time!! I love it when we getta see the boat without drunk guests all over it! Ooh, I hadn’t seen that table with the insane lit canopy before on the sundeck!

Hannah’s trying, anyway, but the guests are all obnoxious and not listening and it’s sooooo annoying. Me and Hannah hate these guests already but I think they’re having a good time.

I love the music on this show! And I don’t even like EDM! Unless I’m high or at a drag show, which is like, practically never.

Hannah made the mistake of leaving the guests alone for 20 seconds, which causes them to almost stampede. They’re so awful. They want a bell so they can ring for more drinks, WHILE THEY HAVE DRINKS IN THEIR HANDS. The crew and I are going to just have to focus on lovely departed Primary Linda to get through.

Gramps is making friends with Tiffany, they think she’s the best! This is just not where they should be. These guests don’t want five-star service, they want an All You Can Eat and Drink Buffet with barf buckets and peanuts for shelling handy. Side-boob falls off the bar already, approximately 5 minutes in. I mean. SCHLOADED. Side-boob asks Tiff to help her get changed into a bikini, causing the rest of the guests to complain about the bartender being gone.

Ben’s asking Tiffany about the guests, she gets their sense of humour, so she’s fine. She’s fluent in DrunkMurican. Hannah is not.

Hannah finds two of the guests passed out already, she’s nervous because actually, they’re ALL passed out save one, and nobody needs food juuuust yet. 200 hundred thousand dollars to pass out two hours in. I mean.

Danny goes on break, the anchor goes down and… the guests still sleep. The crew waits and waits and stares at their phones, except for Danny. Who doesn’t have his phone. ‘Cause he’s an arsehole. He asks Bryan if he can hop on a jetski and go check out some caves. Does he not know he’s there to work???? I mean. I can’t even with him.

Ben’s come up with a way for he and Hannah to both save face, have Tiffany write the menu! And since he does it nice and slow, I will write it down too!!

TWO COURSES, HANNAH

First course: beef tartare with mustard aoili (whut?? that’s not a condiment, that’s when the shelf in the fridge door broke and you were pressed for time. Mustard and mayo. Herkkkkks)

Second course: Alaskan crab couscous with sundried tomato and almond with local baby cod. Sure

Gramps is ready to ROLL! Tito’s and tonic, pleez! Julia is impressed with his heroic ability to process alcohol and get back up swinging! Age, dahling. Brings experience. Two of the women don’t make it down for supper, which pisses off Ben. He’s such a diva.

The guests are digging the Venetian themed dinner, they don’t want wine, though, they want “shots on yachts!” because of course they do. Hannah does not like having to run for shots in the middle of dinner service, but that’s the job, lady! Just like last charter was watching women try on jewelry. One of the guests is reminding me of an actor… must stare at the side of his face and get back to you.

Hannah keeps calling the guests “disgusting” or the fact that they’re drunk, but hey, if that’s how they wanna spend their $200,000.00 USD plus tip two-day vacation, just keep that Tito’s handy, chickie! And watch the judgement, brings frown lines.

Oh. They’re Trump supporters, have at it, Hannah, HAVE AT IT.

Bryan’s at Jen again, she can go once she does three bowline knots in a row. She defends her knots, but JenKnots are not a thing, and they are not bowlines either, so. Here you go, Jen!

Ben’s going for a nap, these clients are gonna want dry ribs at 3 am, we all know it. Tiffany and Jen bond over mutual hatred of Bryan, lemme in this group hug, ladies!

The guests party and party and there’s Jenga and shirts being removed and I think Hannah could lighten up a little, hey? This is their idea(r) of a good time, even if its not for them. I’m pretty sure that’s why they pay you to do it, H.

The next morning, I GOTTA see what these guests look like. A couple of them got lots of sleep, anyway!

Bryan’s bitching about Danny to Bobby again, who do that? So unnecessarily negative. Danny and Jen and bitching about Bryan and it’s one giant DeckHand CircleJerk. Jen doesn’t like that Bryan keeps at her to tie knots, but since she’s required to tie knots as part of her job and she fcuked up last week, what’s the problem with that? Yes, he could be less condescending about it, but can she really not tie a knot? As a deckhand? Now Bryan and Bobby are talking shite about Jen, Bobby doesn’t like her either! What a surprise!

Julia’s still having trouble with Ben talking down to her, I am terrible for that too. I correct grammar all the time (while completely abusing it in print, so it’s even worse) but really, he’s probably just thinking out loud. I used to let it go until I had to try and teach littles how to talk. If I let some of that shite get passed on, I’m the only one to blame I figure. Sorry! Not sorry

The guests complain about the 90 minutes of prep for breakfast, giving Julia shit when she comes out with waffles and bacon. 90 minutes for that? And one omelet on the way? Julia hates them too now

Especially when Jesse complains that the freshly squeezed grapefruit juice has too many seeds and she offers to strain it: she’s never met so many knob-rashes in her life. I think these guests just want a slightly more relaxed atmosphere and a 24-hour Dennys. They talk about how horrible the service is, IN FRONT OF HER, and honestly.

Jesse of the needing his fresh juice strained has made his way up to see the Captain to possibly extend their stay for two more nights. Oh alllll the noes. He complains about Hannah, wow, to the Captain, saying members of the group don’t get along with her and asking for third stew Tiffany to get more face time. Eeeeh

The Freckle brings Hannah, Ben and Bryan in to discuss the trip extension; Hannah is visibly displeased. He keeps her after to tell her about what happened with the guests complaining about her, she’s furious and defensive. I’d be mortified, but then I’m better at customer service than she is. She does interview that she’s a little embarrassed that they figured out how much she hates them, that’s kind of the principal rule you don’t want to break… Don’t let them see you grind your teeth. And we’re oot! Until next time, loveys, keep your juice strained and your shots on yachts!