This is it, yachtubbers!! The season finale of Below Deck Mediterranean and I will miss our unruly bunch of floating hospitality workers. Well. Not ALL of them maybe. Let’s see who our last guests are!

We get a montage of the season first, woot! I forgot how many shots there were!

We left with Bobby drunkenly yelling at Julia. Man, he can be such a jerk when he doesn’t get his way. He screams “Fcuk you, fcuk you and FCUK YOU” at all the girls, but Jen’s not having that, no ma’am. She gets right up in his face and Bryan has to jump in to separate her from Big Bobby. He starts slurring ” you want me off the fcuking boat??” and Julia slams the lid down “we DO want you off the FCUKING boat” so there, Bobbay! Unreal. You do you, Bobbay, but I don’t think the “Danny Was A Huge Ahole, Why Can’t I Be A Huge Ahole Too???” defense is the best way to go here.

Poor Julia, man, she gets all the aggression on this boat and she’s just awesome. The FratBros regroup in the corner and talk about how cool they are while everyone else tries to deal with what just happened. Bobby’s like a gorilla; yay when he’s happy and fun, but that’s a WHOLE lot of angry dewd to handle when his temper is up. Bryan’s falling back on the sing-song of deluded people everywhere, “they’re jelly Bro! Peanut butter and jelly!” Those guys embarrass dbags.

Julia and Hannah discuss the fact that Bryan was clearly encouraging Bobby to “get some titty action” aship, while previously trying to get Danny fired for the same. Julia’s mad that Bobby had Mattie’s name in his mouth, when Mattie couldn’t defend himself. Ahh Julia, so much more crying, she’s such a sweetheart and that was BULLSHIT.

They only have 12 hours to fix this crew dynamic until the next charter, it’s very quiet in the morning. Jen is such a creeper, she totally saw Tiffany and Ben making out and teases her while Tiff wants to know why the hell Jen was so mad at Bobby. No answer! Tiffany calls Ben a GREAT kisser and I just BET!

Bobby’s got a headache the next morning, ohh and it allll starts coming back to him. Bryan is in talking to Jen, who’s not having any of it. Then Bobby shows and blah blah, whatever dude. He interviews that he regrets every minute of it, WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE. I mean. Get bent, Bobbay.

Jen calls Bryan out for supporting a clearly-in-the-wrong Bobby; then Bobby charms his way over for a cuddle. Nice-gorilla time! Tiffany tells Bobby he really needs to apologize to Julia, that’s the real problem right there. Good luck with that, yerkoff.

The Captain pops his freckly melon into the crew mess; how did everything go last night? Oh fine, good, off he goes and sure! Just don’t tell the captain anything, he loves it! I bet he doesn’t even get mad at the reunion show.

Julia’s not even a little bit interested in Bobby’s Apology Tour of 2016, slamming the door in his face and spending some time Netflix and Chilling in her bunk. I recommend Spotless!

Tiffany greets our Benny with a big waist hug, she isn’t being weird at all, yay for no awkwardness! He grins at her and how cute is this???

Bobby does a little better with Hannah; just as a tip, maybe don’t start out saying you felt attacked, when all everyone was doing was telling you that extry women are not allowed aship. You know, like what the captain told you last time you brought extry women on the boat! Drinking does not always rawk. He gets a hug, though, while Hannah interviews that a lot of people would have gone to the captain (*sideeye Ben* although that was about a service error) but there’s a code to look out for your fellow yachties. There’s also a “He’s Just Being a Drunk Ahole” code, which is really only broken by violence. Do you remember Joey from The Real World? That was so fecking sad, and one step over than line. RIP wee conflicted man.

Wheelhouse Meeting for last charter guests of the season! Woo hoo! Our Primary is Chris Reed, who has brought home-brewed ginger beer to the masses (why do things things always read like info-mercials? WHERE’S MAH CHEQUE??) and is rewarding his best salespeople with this trip. They include (I LOVE it when I get all the names!) Neal Cohane, Bob Lyon, Dan Goldberg, Matt Kannow and Steve O’Donnell, whut, not ONE woman in the company knows how to sling some brew? Pfft. Hannah thinks it will be an easy charter if the salesmen don’t wanna get smashed in front of their bosses *sideeye Bryan sitting bext to her*, and it could go either way! I’ve had bosses who are total wet blankets; party starts five minutes after he leaves and I’ve had bosses that I’ve had to kick out of my apartment “THERE’S NO MORE BOOZE, STEVE, GIT! I’ll see you in the morning!”

Awkward silence

There’s a beach picnic, which makes Hannah groan, but those are fun! Just not for the crew, including Bobby who will now be personally ferrying over 6 dudes across the shallow end. Greece has a windy season, apparently, and this is it, so hold on to your hats, home brewers!

Bobby makes another run at Julia, she really doesn’t want to deal with it, but finally concedes, it’s got to be dealt with before service.

He apologizes, but now she’s angry. And crying and I don’t think Bobby remembered that he was trashing Mattie, cuz he just sits there with his mouth open. As a much older person who’s been through that Hungover Apology Tour more times than I or Google could count, I know exactly where he’s at right now. Headache gone, soooo dehydrated, and you just.wanna.sleep but there are still people who need to be properly focused on so you can explain how you totally didn’t MEAN to tell people about their third nipple. It just seems relevant at the time! Zzzzzz

She accepts his apology, but they’ll never be friends again. She’s drained and I bet he’s over making sweet love to his bunk. Ben tells Hannah that the ball is in Julia’s court, she just has to forgive Bobby and all will be well. EFF THAT, she’s taken her bat and ball and gone home, yo, she doesn’t need any more friends. Ben calls what Bobby did a COMPLIMENT. I mean

Guest arrival time! They’re coming in on a tender, oh and I didn’t getta see everyone’s names! There’s a wee swarthy one called David Howard and that’s all we get for now. There’s a tall Bob with a shirt that says “Of course I’m right, I’m Bob” and er-ohh, I think I got a bad read on the Primary. Chris Reed appears to be the bearded one with ponytail and tie-dyed t-shirt. Hippies ahoy!

They’re a good natured group of dewds, so relieved! Boat tour time! Let’s see what I catch this time. Hannah has a huge smile on her face the whole time, what a difference from Jesse Biter and his group of jackasses. Except for Cameron Whatshisface, he seemed okay.

Ben wants to serve a whole fish to the guests on the beach, salt-crusting? Or lemon? I CAN’T WAIT!

Hannah loves that little sparkle in Ben’s eye, she just doesn’t realise it’s because he checked Tiffany’s tonsils for lumps the evening before. She walks out while Tiffany walks in and Ben spanks his fish. Tiffany giggles as he tells us how much he likes her.

The deckhands are all eating. The FratBros taking this opportunity to talk shit about Danny some more. Seriously, bros? You watched how he ATE? Jen and I are disgusted (AGAIN) with their immature arses, especially since one was technically Danny’s baboon-faced boss.

Picnic packing up time for Koufonisi, Greece! The crew haaatee beach picnics, but I like to watch!

*Below Deck dancy music break*

The beach, even in Greece, is not nice. Tumbleweeds and dry bushes, it looks kind of yuck. The wind is very strong, as advertised, so Hannah calls the captain to advise him of the conditions, maybe the guests won’t want to go ahead with it. The guests don’t answer right away, until one of the chubby ones pipes up: they’ll just do it here. Ohhh and that tie-dyed shirt is the company uniform, what a motley bunch of salepeople! Kind of cool, though, better than what I was expecting, all slick shiny-shirt types.

Hannah is happy, “beach picnic terminated,” yay! Now let’s pack up all this shite again and bring it back. At least the guests understand the huge effort being expended, and they appreciate it too. I have my eye on that David though, he seems pouty, although that may be because Hannah wouldn’t put an extra bed in a stateroom for his rotund arse.

Ben’s food is nowhere near ready, what? Ah, he thought he had 45 minutes more because of the beach set-up. The guests haven’t eaten since 9 am, dude, get some grub out there! He can’t fit that giant fish onto the oven, though, that takes even MOAR time. He is doing it salt-crusted, awesome!

These are the male equivalents of Linda P. Jones and her gang, they’re LOVING this trip and appreciating every second of it as Primary Chris tells them they earned it all. I dig great bosses *sideeye Bryan*.

Erk, I spoke too soon, Bob’s talking about beejs on the water toys. I think I know disguy. Last anchor of the season!

Julia and Ben are visiting in the galley, she cannot WAIT to get home. He asks how her and Bobby are doing, putting her directly on the spot, and making her confront directly how much Bobby likes her. She’s been coasting on not acknowledging that directly, but dude, why should she have to? She made it plenty clear she wasn’t interested, how many times does she have to keep saying it?

Bob is doing Donald Duck impressions, OtherBob is just impressed with his energy at 70 and now I’m SURE I know disfcukinguy.

Tiffany and Ben flirt in the kitchen, WHY THE OCTOPUS AGAIN??

Supper time and ohmigod, they OHM!!! They OHM!! I OHM!! Were they all raised Buddhist too??? #CommuneLyfe! Pound it!

Outside the men decide they can’t enjoy the sunset because they’re dudes and I’m pretty sure having a penis doesn’t preclude you from enjoying beauty, morons.

Ahhh the food looks soooo good! Except for the octopus which looks like a dog’s breakfast. Primary Chris is very impressed by the food, he expected good food, but not great food and Ben is the best, dahling!

Moar awkwardness in the galley, Bobby offering to wash the dishes then Julia bailing. I love how Bobby blames Julia’s sensitivity for her not forgiving him, sure, sport, nothing to do with your pattern of behaviour on the boat this whole time. One bit of drunken shenanigans anyone could forgive, but this constant insistence that she’s leading him on: gets tired, bro.

The guests drape themselves all over the boat for bedtime, I would do like the one and sleep out on deck too, can you imagine?? That would be amazing! The sunrise!

Hannah and Ben are visiting on the other deck for a smoke, what does he think of Bryan now, Hannah asks? Ben thinks Bryan is a super loyal, fun guy and for sure, if you are exactly like him, he is both of those things. He just appears to have everyone sorted in to two groups: Us and Them and only he and Bobby are on #TeamUs.

Hannah brings up the fight in the crew mess, she doesn’t think Bryan can control his aggression toward women when he’s been drinking. I think he’s aggressive and a jerk for sure, but at no point did it seem like the ladies were being physically threatened or unsafe at all, so I’m confused. He was being obnoxious, but not in a physical way, I didn’t think. Hannah manages to work in a hug from Ben, so good for her

Bernie on deck doesn’t exactly make the sunrise, let’s just say that. I give him all the props for keeping his snoring behind away from everyone else, though, 2 snaps.

The guest love breakfast, because of course they do. I just want to hug them all! And that’s it, the cruise is over, how is that possible? That is a great way to end the season, and especially for Ben, who’s food Primary Chris calls the musical equivalent of Jimi Hendrix. Rock on, hippie man!

Thick envelope!! How thick is it?? The Giant Freckle talks all over Primary Chris’s thank you speech, come on, man! Last charter

Tip Meeting! Last one of the season, one night, I’m going to guess…$22,000 Euros because Primary Chris was trying to say the tip reflected how much they enjoyed the trip while Captain Mark was interrupting. RUDE.

Captain Mark does an end-of-season speech, Jen’s happy with the season, but not Bryan, so that hasn’t changed. Holy shite and I was right!! $2000 each! Woo hoo! The owners have arranged for a beach party for afters, let’s hope the wind isn’t as bad as it had been.

Hannah and the ladies talk about Bryan’s attitude towards women in the sky lounge; she wants Bryan to look at this an opportunity to grow, not as a bitch session with one target.

Tiffany starts it off by telling him they don’t want to attack (I don’t know if I’d START with that, Tiff) but they’re going to give him some constructive criticism as to how to work with women. Bryan looks confused.

Bryan in turn calls Hannah on the carpet for not having his back when he was yelling at her subordinate, I don’t know if I’d go that route either. Julia prods Jen gently to talk about how she feels she’s been treated slightly (just a tiny bit) different from Bobby on the deck crew. He blames her incompetence for the disparity. Julia sums it up for everyone, it’s not about individual situations, but rather how he handled each one. He smiles and thanks them for their feedback and promises to be aware in the future of how he’s interacting with all the crew members. Just kidding! He’s sarcastic and took absolutely nothing from it.

He complains to Bobby about “those chicks ganging up on me” and if anyone ever needed a woke-tervention…

Party night ashore! Hannah looks gorge! This time the Captain is there with them, Julia’s worried he’s missed all the drama, but he wants to make up for it tonight, woot! Laughs all around and then they’re on to reviewing highs of the season. Captain Mark offers up a toast for these 9 8 strangers that came together to work well, giving props to Bryan for his handling of the deck crew (Jen and I roll our eyes) and Ben pops up to give the Captain himself kudos. Group hug!

Shots shots shots! Then the Captain bails and good for him, he doesn’t want to see any of this. I DO!! Bring it on! Hannah thanks her crew, Tiffany doesn’t usually get along with girls (I have a theory about women who say that but that’s probably some of you, so carry on) but this felt like a team! They burn their tiny dresses while everyone watches and Ben drags one out.

There’s this odd bit of silence while everyone stares at the fire, Tiffany breaks it by asking Jen if they can have one last snuggle tonight? Jen’s gonna cuddle the whole damn gang, Tiff, wait your turn!

Ben makes eyes at Hannah (who looks really good!) and is off to get a drink, followed closely by Hannah while Tiffany stares. A drunk Hannah stares deeeeeply into Ben’s eyes telling him how much she adores him, erk-awkward. He is just so not down for it and I don’t think Bobbay was either, what’s the deal? Hannah is GORGEOUS, and if you’re into that traditional body type (as men are wont to be), she is IT. She loves Ben! He has a little piece of her heart and this is making me full-body-cringe. Put her out of her misery, Benny!

He talks about drawing the line and not getting too close and then she kisses him while he squirms. And kisses him again, while he squirms more. Oh Hannah, wait until the reunion special, we can cringe together.

Bobby decides he needs to tell Julia how he feels, AGAIN but he goes even further, he loves her! I mean. Alcohol is a curse, yo. She looks at him like “oh come ON” and then it gets worse. It’s her fault! She made him feel this way and I can’t even with this misogynistic moron. It’s not a compliment!! It’s not cute or funny to repeatedly hound someone when they’ve been very clear they’re not interested! The reason I call it misogynistic is that this is the same line of thinking that rapists use, “I couldn’t help myself, there you were, looking so hot.” I AM IN NO WAY CALLING BOBBY A RAPIST or even rapey. His pitch is so ridiculous! This is the position he put Julia in: she liked him as a friend, but any joking around she did with him was immediately misconstrued, leading her to have to have a Come To Jeebus meeting with him to tell him she wasn’t interested and totally in love with her boyfriend. So what was she supposed to do? Every time she was friendly, he called her a tease, had she NOT been friendly to a co-worker, she would have been a stuck-up b*tch and WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE TO CHOOSE?? She’s there to WORK! His projecting his desires onto her and her having to constantly address them is BULLSHIT. BACK THE FCUK OFF, BOBBAY!

He’s had some bad relationships with people who weren’t forthcoming with him, okay, whatever, Big Bobby, just keep it moving on down the line. I’m not even going to put in the extry stupid part where he calls himself something ridiculous, no more.

He hears Hannah et. al returning and guilts her into one more hug, then it’s back to the boat for everyone. Fannies aship!

Hannah tries to drag Ben off again, he finally has to say “stoppit” and aww, Hannah, I’m sorry. Wait until someone’s interested, you’re so cute!

Bryan and Bobby are comparing physiques, I almost gave Bryan points for being confident to go against brick-shithouse Bobby, but then I remembered that he probably actually thinks he looks better, so: no points.

Tiffany’s joined Ben in the lounge, Scotch shenanigans and nipple-twiddling (his!) ensues. What’s that in his pocket and SHE MADE ME LOOK! Should they go to bed? Absolutely! Ben can’t find any condoms and tears the bunks apart looking while Bryan looks for him, asking Hannah. Oh nooo and he tells Hannah Ben woke him up looking for condoms, dayum. THIS TIME you couldn’t keep your mouth shup, you arsehole? She calls it “fcuking hilarious” to him but goes and watches them hump while we listen to Tiffany moan. I felt like a prevert at first and then I caught myself trying to figure out what Tiffany was doing…oh! Tiffany’s a cowgirl!

Hannah smokes alone by the hot tub.

Jen asks what she missed last night. A giddy Tiffany tells her she got more than the tip *giggle giggle* but Jen needs it spelled out: “the tip of a dick?” I mean. “From Bryan? No, my future husband.” WHAT?? Hahahahaha!

Ben wakes up still hammered, knocking over glasses and making his way to Hannah’s bunk where he brushes his teeth and sees if they’re still on good terms. She seems a bit sad (although it could be sleepy) but calls him on his lounge loving.

All Ben has to say is that he doesn’t work on boats to find a wife, just to make money and get his deck wet, if you know what I mean.

Julia fills Hannah in on Bobby’s declaration of twue wuv, she’s must more easygoing about it than I was; she just thinks it’s juvenile. She can tells Hannah’s upset though, what’s up Buttercup? Hannah spills and then tells us in interview that the problem with Tiffany is that she’s low maintenance and men get tired of it. I was going to say that when Tiffany said she didn’t dig women usually. We all go through a phase where we want to be seen as low maintenance, no, we don’t need anything! You don’t have to talk to us after you bang us or acknowledge us in public! And we don’t gossip like those other women or have NEEDS like them, we’re super chill! Yeah. We grow out of that, usually. And men that want to date seriously and not just enjoy the free love DO get tired of it because it’s hard to have a relashie with a mirror.

Tiffany is the first to leave, ooo I hope we get Captions of Truth! She learned a lot as Third Stew but she’d like to never do that again, fanks. Like, EVER. She’s off to find a job as a Mate, all the luck, Tiff. Her and Ben hug it out, they’ll be keeping it weird in Fort Lauderdale soon.

This is the longest Below Deck Mediterranean recap EVER.

Julia and Bobbay hug one last time, he interviews he’ll be waiting for her when her and Mattie breaks up. Julia and Hannah say goodbye, Julia doesn’t know if she’ll go right back to fashion again, it’s very hard to break into.

Bobby says goodbye to Hannah and then Bryan, whom he asks for a job. Is everyone going to Fort Lauderdale? Bobby had never been on a boat before, sigh, still got all the preferential treatment from Bryan. He’s off! Hannah thanks him for “being so fcuking awesome, hey!”

Jen’s learned a few things during this charter season: how to be responsible, have respect for yourself and don’t take shit from anyone. Oh and I love her “honest goodbye” to Bryan; she’s given him multiple occasions to keep her name out of his mouth, he continued to trash her, even saying she was beneath Daniel. I mean. She gets a little personal then, talking about his drinking, that’s a lot at goodbye. He throws it back to her, she can’t tie a single knot and blah blah blah I kind of tuned out. He’s not adding anything to the conversation.

Jen says if he had just paid more attention to Tiffany, she wouldn’t have had sex with Ben last night and I actually agree with Bryan for once!! That was hella weird to bring up, was she coached?? That’s such a bumpy segue. She’s off!

Bryan and Captain Mark chat a bit, the Giant Freckle thanks him for making this season what it was…I cannot even, Captain Mark. See you at the reunion show. Bryan and Ben will be meeting in Laudy too, yay!

These goodbyes are taking forever, just GO GUYS!! Honestly. Hannah holds forth about how confused Ben is and I don’t think any of that was confusing, Hannah. Ben and Captain Mark call it a season and Benny takes us out:

Cheers you lot! Thanks for reading, it’s been a fun new series! Below Deck OG returns Septemeber and I have all my fingers crossed we’ll be getting another Apres Ski from Bravo, I loved that shite. Until next time!