Welcome back to our floating sinwagon with allllls the cherry veneer and painted peni we can take! Let’s find out if the promos for Below Deck Mediterranean were real and Danny snogged a guest. Onward to the Tilted Kilt Asea!

We left our crew fighting over chief stew Hannah Ferrier‘s “mentoring” of 3rd stew Tiffany Copeland while Tiff was schwasted and Bryan Kattenburg stepping in, cuz that was his business why? Oh right, he’s the First Mate now, this is His Boat! And yay, we have Love Boat style captions, LOVE IT!

Hannah’s also tipsy, so maybe that’s why she’s repeating herself so much, but then again: I cannot stand when people start shouting “YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME LIKE THIS!!!” when people are trying to have a rational convo with them. It’s part of the patriarchy that you have to be approached carefully and with pretty words, ladies, gina-up and ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Second stew Julia d’Albert Pusey and chef Ben Robinson break Bryan and Hannah apart. Deckhand Danny Zureikat has talked two very pretty girls in expensive-looking clothing to come back to the boat with him. Awww, he thinks he’s in Jersey Shore! Everyone gossips that Danny’s gonna be fired, but Julia just doesn’t want Danny messing up the throw pillows in the guest rooms, ifyouknowwhatImean. Danny and Bobby take the girls up by the hot tub, where he pours Patron and Coke. Now. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure Patron is fancy, and Coke is for whiskey. Why would you do that to a nice sipping / shooting tequila? And that’s hella expensive and I am not anyone’s mother on this boat so let me shut up.

Ben’s cooking octopus in the galley so they don’t puke while Hannah mixes cocktails and Jen drunkwhines about Danny bringing girls aboard. He’s gonna deal with it, Jen, no worries! Octopus with fresh ginger seems a little…complicated after several bevvies, doesn’t it? There was a time in my exciting, soggy twenties when all meals made after 3 am had to be of the microwaveable variety, thanks to an unfortunate chili incident.

Hannah figures she has the one-up on Bryan now: HIS staff is bringing girls back to the boat! I will say, Captain Mark Howard was faaaarrr too vague about what’s allowed aship. I don’t think that’s a word, but I like how it looks. You’ll get used to it! He used lots of qualifying words like “try” and “not really” and unless you want this looking like Lake Shashta after the Oregon chapter of Lambda Chi goes through it, you need to speak in short declarative sentences: NO OTHER PEOPLE ON THE BOAT. NO BOOZE ON THE BOAT. NO BANGING IN THE HOT TUB. FANKS.

Hannah goes to kick everyone off; she gives them 5 minutes and Danny doesn’t even take that. He immediately collects the glasses and tells the girls nothing is more important to him than his job. He escorts them off nicely and joins everyone in the kitchen for octopus. In the galley, Bryan finds out for the first time that there were girls on the boat and… didn’t they all walk in together? Bryan chastises them but figures he can play it off with the captain.

Tiffany hurt herself the night before, no clue why! She also doesn’t know what went on with Hannah, she wants to be exterior! I mean this in the best way; I think women can do anything they want to do and can learn anything, except maybe to be a deck hand when they weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Deckhand Jen Riservato is fit AF and tall with it, I can see how she had no problem. If there was a guy Tiffany’s size wanting to move out to the exterior, I’d be all “pack it up, Trevor, ain’t nobody believing you can tote a bale.” Granted, a lot of their work seems to be wiping things down endlessly, but I wouldn’t hire Tiffany to clean my floors. She distracts easily and seems to view working on deck as an opportunity to watch birds and measure blue whale ejaculate. Hannah swears she’s gonna try to not play favourites, but well, that will not be possible when one is doing nothing and the other is doing EVERYTHING, like Rocky / Raquel and Amy from Below Deck last season.

Next morning, time to turn the boat over! Jen and Danny bond over Jen never ever getting any of Hannah’s jelly while everyone else dresses.

Bryan broaches the captain about his policy re: visitors on the boat. And AGAIN, Captain Mark is too vague, you can’t say “can’t really consider it as our own home”! Bryan fills the captain in on the partying last night, Bryan wants to deal with it himself, but oh no, the Big Freckle wants to have words with them both. I think Bryan threw up in his mouth.

Ben loves Danny’s fun and friendly attitude, that also means the pressure’s off him!

He feels protective of newbie Danny, just how he feels about Tiffany. He’s been in yachting a long time, with no real relashies to speak of. Danny probes a bit, he likes to get to know people!

Hannah’s “helping” Tiffany with her job, Tiff plays along but still, moves soooooo slowwwwly.

Captain Come To Jeebus Meeting in the Wheelhouse! Captain Mark is MAD and asks Danny to go first in explaining. Bobby jumps in, he wants to take some of the blame, the Captain cuts him off with “oh you are” and *gulp*. Giant Freckle is pissssed they served the girls boat liquor, nobody even thought that was a problem until then, except me, but I’m kind of a buzzkill. They have one strike against them now, three strikes they go home and they will be doing chores for everyone else soon to make up for this. They’re excused, but Bryan is not. How did he not know that they were drinking boat liquor? He almost gets a strike too.

Pre-Charter Meeting with the Captain! Have Hannah, Ben and Bryan ever heard of the Tilted Kilt? Oh yes, that’s the pub where the service is terrible and the servers have their arses hanging out because that’s just pubs, love! Visible areolas are absolutely a job requirement when it comes to serving overpriced alcoholic bevvies! It TOTALLY creeps Hannah and I out when Captain Mark says he’s been to this “sports bar” and I know we’re judging, but eeeeewwwww. The waitresses from the “sports club” have chartered the yacht for a photo shoot, and keep yo distance from the models, bros!

The Primary is den mother Kate, and Hannah thinks all the women have stripper names: Summer Blair, Pressley Holt, but I know better: those are straight up pron names and you can check me on that. The boys call them stage names, riiiight *eye roll*.Hannah figures this will be a cakewalk; she’s used to dealing with the uber-rich who are used to a certain level of service, these ladies aren’t even gonna know. I will say that if any of them ARE actually servers, they will either be your best customers or worst nightmares. I was a server for a bit when I was young, my sister was as well. I’ll let you figure out who is the nightmare to serve (not me).

They guests want sushi and champagne, which Ben loves to do, because it looks impressive but it’s hella easy to do. I remember him doing that for Below Deck last season! I miss Kate.

Bryan breaks the guest news to the deck crew in the bro-iest way possible, leading them to fondle the pictures and do weird pushups in some kind of testosteroni-infused mating ritual. Hey guys, the ladies aren’t even there yet, calm down! Save some feathers for preening tomorrow!

Bryan lays it out for them very clearly: you are WORKING tomorrow and then they bro it up some more. I’m not sure about Jen, but I’m pretty sure it’s shitty for three of the deck crew to form a Tripod team that doesn’t include her. I mean. One’s their boss! Talk about unprofessional.

Danny’s Skyping with his mama, they miss FunDan! His parents are from Jordan, my bad, I thought he was Latino. Awww, he cries and it’s so sweet, he’s had to step up and help support his family as his father is an alcoholic and not good for much. He lurves his family!

Stew meeting, Hannah’s still pretending they’re gonna treat these ladies like their usual clients, but I think Julia explains it best:

Bryan is setting his team to work; he’s noticed that Jen’s disconnected to them and asks her to stay back. Like most people put on the spot like that, she just says she’s a little tired, not I AM FCUKING DISCONNECTED, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, FORMING A THREE-PERSON TRIPOD IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOUR-PERSON TEAM like she should. She says she’s fine, she’s his MVP and he disagrees. She thinks Bryan’s overcompensating for his lack of abilities, but it’s kind of always that when you get promoted, right? You don’t know exactly what you’re doing? The good new managers make allies of their teams, learn alongside from the veterans and salty dogs, maintaining just that slight level of distance, but empowering their best staff. The bad new managers flex a lot and don’t listen to anyone, feeling as though they need to be the only one talking ever. Guess which one Bryan is?

20 minutes to guests, get into your whites! Bobby primps his puss while Danny…blowdries his hair with a round brush? Do you mean to tell me that is a failed pompadour, not a No Time For A Haircut?? Whut?

The guests are walking up with…hula hoops. Hula hoops. So.much.extensions and foobies and drunkbabyvoices, I may need a minute. I’ll get the Dramamine. I can almost smell the vanilla body oil from here.

We get to see all the boat again, I’m so EXCITED!! I love it when I get a tour of the boat. Hannah hasn’t seen that many hair extensions since her procuring days and I am telling you..straight up pron. Oh and Hannah’s Australian, not English! I didn’t want to guess, since my days of being able to differentiate between South African, English and Australian accents are long past.

Bryan’s on Jen AGAIN, this time for being all schlumpy during the guest meet, and I was going to say something about that! She looked over it, and messy and just…not giving a singly solitary fcuk. She does have a shitty attitude, but Bryan is going up against a ninja-master in passive-aggressive non-motivated employee and he better figure it out soon or she will drag that whole department down. Maybe include her in stuff! Bryan confirms my earlier assessment in interview, he doesn’t want to be seen as weak, so he’s going especially hardass on her. You know, she HAS a lot of experience, I bet you could use some of that, since the other two deckhands have never worked on a boat like this before, or on a boat at all, Big Bobby Giancola.

Lunch time, it looks fantastic! Captain Mark takes the boat out while Julia and Hannah try to be nice to their guests. Julia asks if they want sparkling or flat water, and they don’t know what that means. Sigh. Be nice, stews! Not everyone hangs out on yachts every day! These girls usually get taken to Arby’s and the pharmacy after the shoot, they don’t get asked all these difficult questions!

They drop anchor at Naxos, Greece, in the Cyclades Islands. Photo shoot time! The girls change into bikinis, Danny really likes Morgan but Julia calls them slow. That’s not nice, Julia. It’s kind of true at this point, but these ladies are way out of their depth, don’t be rude! Bring the tequila! These girls are very sweet, choruses of “thank you so much!!” follows every time the crew offers or brings them something.

Panos the photographer arrives, taking Primary Katie off for a chat while the girls stop Hannah to ask her to arrange a cake or cupcake to celebrate Kate’s birthday: total surprise! She tells Ben, but doesn’t mention that it’s a surprise, because Hannah IS AN AWFUL COMMUNICATOR, but Ben’s too busy freaking out about making a cake. He’s not a pastry chef! I was a baker for a bit before I joined the world of Oil and Gas, I love making cakes! Bread is my real passion, though, you should taste it, to.die.for and disgustingly healthy. Sorry, where were we? Ah yes, kitchen with Ben, he’ll figure out a cake for the next night.

Up on the deck, it’s showtime! Fashes (false lashes) and extensions fly in the wind as Danny makes an idiot of himself. Good thing he’s cute. Jen’s not interested, she’s waiting for the Lacrosse Team Charter and it’s a sad indictment of our society that these women are rewarded as such that they are able to afford this boat, but an Olympic-winning lacrosse team most assuredly is not. Of course, you could get into a debate on commercialism and we could even segue into a Mr. Robot type rant, but let’s get back to the purty gurls doing tequila shots and showing off their bums!

Jen’s bitching about Bryan in the most juvenile way possible when the man himself comes up behind them, cue awkward laughter!

Danny’s flirting with Morgan while the rest of the deck crew works. Bobby’s getting heated. This must be the woman they show Danny cuddling with in the rocks.

Supper time! Hannah sends Julia and Tiffany to clean up the nightmare mess in the guest cabins, the women have clothes scattered everywhere from stem to stern. One of the guests keeps saying the yacht looks just like the Titanic, that feels like bad luck, or maybe she just doesn’t understand scale. The Titanic was much, much bigger.

The guests gossip about the deckhands while Hannah eavesdrops. Katie thinks Bobby’s hawt, and Morgan thinks Daniel’s a gentleman. I think they’re both right! Even if neither is my type. I like funny and wicket smaht, so Ben is still my number one man aboard the Good Ship TinyKilt.

Bryan schedules the crew for the following day, giving Jen the 5 am shift (she groans), Danny the late shift (makes sense) and Bobby somewhere in between, but don’t stay up late.

Hannah and Ben flirt in the kitchen while discussing the plan for the next day. He calls everyone dahling and you wouldn’t want to keep a Ben, but it might be fun to have him cook you breakfast in Greece here and again.

Jen and Tiffany are bitch bitch bitching about this trip, Jen is homesick and wants to hijack the boat back to America. Sounds legit!

Bobby asks what the plan is for Katie’s birthday the following day; sushi and topless dinner service from the boys. That totally sounds fair, but they should also have to wear 6 inch heels! Hannah did NOT get clearance from the captain, but pfft, she’s the captain of the interior!

The ladies want a midnight snack, maybe some of that salmon? And a little this and that? I cannot believe Hannah wakes.Ben.up to do a cold plate; Kate Chastain would have done that in her sleep. Wow. Hannah?!

Danny and Bobby are getting things ready for the next day, well, Bobby is, Daniel’s on the couch with Morgan, discussing their “connection.” Let me ‘splain connection to you, young people. You have chemistry with people sometimes, maybe hormone-based, maybe smell-based, nobody really knows. But it happens all the time and it’s not a good idea to mistake wanting to bump fuzzies with someone with a lifelong connection. In the ten minutes total you’ve talked.

Bobby comes in and essentially shoos Morgan away; Danny has to work. He said “shit” in front of a guest! The customer service rep in me is HORRIFIED! I once went car shopping with an ex, and a rough-looking one at that; full-sleeve tattoos, no hair, denim vest, leather everything else. He walked away from a salesman and the entire lot because dude said “fcuk”. That’s poor service, no matter who your client is, or what they look like.

Danny gets up and instead of working, goes and sits AT THE TABLE with the guests and come ON! 2 hours he sits there, keeping the girls up, and Hannah with it! She takes Danny aside and he understands immediately, calling it a night with a hand-hug from Morgan.

The next morning, Big Bobby TOTALLY tattles on Danny for his lack of work the night before, wow. That’s not Tripod code! And Danny didn’t get his 8 hours, either, but that was kind of his fault…

Moar photos! Somehow the work outfit looks even smaller than their bikinis, how is that possible? And everyone’s bewbs grew several sizes over night! Danny’s still flirting, taking selfies with the women, I mean. This is bullshit. Danny insists he’s just working for that tip, like last time!

I do think he’s working for ONE of those things, just not the one he’s saying. The models are being served lunch and drinks in between shots; Julia asks Morgan and one of the others if they have boyfriends? Morgan pauses… and well, it’s, it’s well, hi Daniellllll, and that means, I want some of that before I go home to my boyfriend!

Danny has butterflies and ends up on a corner by the rocks, cuddling with Morgan, but I can’t make out if he actually kisses her. It’s enough for Jen, though, who can’t BELIEVE it. And we’re oot! Until next week, when we’re caught up! Cheers!