So we’re back for the second half of the lovelorn saga between Deckhand Danny and the comely Morgan, purveyor of overpriced food and bevvies from the land of the Tilted Kilt. What shall happen with our star-crossed lovers on Below Deck Mediterranean? Will Danny be fired? Will Morgan be drawn away to handhug another? All these question, and more, like how DO you simplify your service without leaving half of it out, and what’s the TIP??, will be answered on Below Deck Med S1:E4 rolling now!

We left Danny and Morgan cuddling by the rocks being watched by Jen, did he kiss her? Or are they just cuddling? Oh no, there was absolutely kissing and I feel so dirty right now, I need a shower. I am examining and re-examining audio tracks to see if THERE WAS LIP SMACKING between two very young people I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I need to realign my chakras, yo. I do love how Morgan high fives him after, like, “dude! You did it! Good for you!”

Jen comes right at Danny (I SAW!!) but he thinks it’s between him and “that girl” but in that case, maybe he shouldn’t have been in front of cameras WITH HIS MIC ON. Alls I’m saying. That makes Jen and I less of pervs, right? Ick.

Morgan’s drunk, though, which I hadn’t picked up on until she decides she can’t go jet-skiing until she pulls out her Ken Paves extensions and hands them to a horrified Julia. Customer service RULES!

Back at the kitchen, Ben’s managed to put together a cake for Katie’s birthday, just in time for the guests to make it back to the boat. It’s a surprise, but Ben doesn’t know that, so he tells the captain, and I’m worried that Hannah’s terrible communication skills are gonna sink the girls’ plans for a surprise party.

Ben hacks apart a giant salmon, which is awesome, because one of the guests LOVES salmon, she’s said it over and over, and Ben’s feeling as though he and Hannah have found their groove, and he digs it.

Jen isn’t gonna tell on Danny, given her “very Italian” (is that like very pregnant? Or very unique? As much as I love using as many extry words as possible, especially adjectives, that is unnecessary) family who would not look kindly on her snitching that like.

Then why watch, Creeper?? At least I’m pretending to write about it for…posterity? Also, I immediately wondered how Jen’s Very Italian family dealt with her sexuality, but mostly because I’ve been recapping Last Tango in Halifax, which is UH-MAZ-ING and that’s what’s happening there now.

Danny’s giddy, he’s SO HAPPY! He can barely breathe.

Hannah lays out the plan for the boys for the evening, black pants, belt, no shirt and brings out the bowties. Woo hoo! I don’t know if I would be so excited if a bunch of men coming on the boat wanted the same from Hannah and Julia, though, so that’s making me feel weird. I guess it’s okay to punch upwards? I don’t know. I know neekid-sushi does exist with women’s bodies being the platters, so I guess it’s okay to enjoy some belleh-hair from the boys in your grub? Let me know what you think in comments. You know, if you’re reading.

Hannah’s cautiously optimistic about Tiffany, who still looks like a whipped, slow-moving dog, so…progress?

Hannah’s oiling the men, and takes a loooooong time oiling Big Bobby. I get it, there’s a lot of him to slick up, but again, I keep wondering if it would be so fun and sexy if say, Jen was being oiled up by Danny. I mean, he’d have to stand on a ladder, so: safety, but still. Okay okay! Buzzkillng over, tables are being turned, it’s AWESOME!

Ben put his fingers in his mouth while rolling sushi. 🙁

It’s time for supper and the ladies are EXCITED! They’re all dressed up, extensions have been replaced and it’s time for nekkid sushi!  Bryan and Bobby are waiting on the stairs to serve, Tiffany is very impressed by Bryan’s bod, blushing and oohing. Bryan takes it in stride.

Turns out I’m a moron, the one guest said Katie’s cake was a surprise, but behind the supper table is a big plastic / paper Happy Birthday sign, so maybe Katie’s figured that out. Supper time! The girls love the topless servers, but I cringe for Katie when Bryan puts his greasy hands on her shoulders. NO TOUCHY!! Speaking of that, Danny goes in for a kiss IN FRONT OF EVERYONE from no-longer-drunk Morgan and gets half a cheek. What is he thinking????

Everyone is loving the sushi, except Morgan, who wants a vegetarian option: she’s had a lot of animals this weekend. Er. And she may be still drunk, although I don’t know her well enough to be able to tell if that glassy stare over someone’s shoulder and slurred speech is her normal demeanor.

Julia teases Tiffany about her thing for Bryan, and whatever he looks like: he’s a major tool, so seems about right for her. I think Ben has a crush on Tiff, though, so we’ll see. He does have that accent, daahhhling.

The next course is a deep-fried prawn? Or something giant with a face, and it’s freaking Morgan out. She flounces in almost-tears, followed by another while Katie explains what the problem is. Very spiritual Morgan is disturbed by how many fish have been massacred for their gustatory enjoyment, they have FAMILIES!! Hannah thinks that’s insane, I just think fish being killed or eaten are the single only nature programs I can watch without wincing: do it! Kill the slimy bastages! I guess Morgan and I would not get along, but I kind of knew that from the jump. I’m not into superficial gigglers with an affinity for fish souls.

Her friend is much kinder (and has more forebearance than I), saying “thank you for being true to yourself. You’re a beautiful person” while Ben and I make gagging faces in the background. We are not beautiful people and we strongly dislike attention-getting bullshit.

Morgan collects herself and makes it into the galley (Danny looks SO EXCITED to see her) to ask Ben if he has any vegetarian sushi, concerned cry-face in full effect. Ben has used up all his sticky rice, though, and he thought she ate fish?

He promises to make her something and her drunk arse makes it back to the table to start double fisting champagne. Danny looks crestfallen, she completely ignored him. All I’m going to say is that Danny is adorable and fun, but I would bet that Big Bobby Muscles is more Morgan’s speed.

Bobby asks Danny to grab a broom, there’s some cleanup needed upstairs, but Danny can’t WORK while he’s on shift, he’s gotta go cheer up that (very drunk) girl! Who’s now having someone do her drunk hair at the table. I mean. I was young once, I get it. I wouldn’t be young again if you paid me ALLS THE MONEY.

Danny’s gotten dressed in his uniform and is writing Morgan a poem to cheer her up. I mean. She needs sleep and Pedialyte, dude, not words confirming her status as a special star. Bobby finds him at the table labouring over flowery words and FLIPS, tearing the page away. They got shit to do, bruh! Bobby is PISSED. “We’re WORKING!” He threatens to call Bryan down, Danny calls his bluff, so Bobby does it; wow. I know he’s pissed, but that seemed over the bro-code or co-worker-code line.

Oh noooo, we’re doubling down, Bobby’s been shouting so loudly that everyone is hearing, including the captain, who arrives in the kitchen the same time as Bryan. Words to the wise, Bryan, you got in the most trouble for not knowing the full extent of Danny and Bobby’s stupidness the last time, if Jen trusted you more or felt valued by you, maybe she would have given you a heads-up about Danny’s latest shenanigans and you would have been better prepared for what’s going down right.now.

BOOM! I just made everything Bryan’s fault. You’re welcome! *faint cheering noises* *rounding the bases* I’m a MOM!

Danny tries to explain that he’s just coming up with a rhyme for Morgan, who was crying. Absolutely not appropriate, says Captain Mark, Danny is WORKING. Captain Mark asks if this is something that has been building? Yes, says Danny, but let’s get back to this poem stuff, no, let’s NOT says the Captain. Bryan tries to interject, but he’s using words he doesn’t understand; Danny isn’t “bridging the gap” between the clients and staff, he’s “crossing the line” says Captain Mark. He lays out the guidelines while Bobby flexes: um, dude, I’m pretty sure YOU aren’t his superior, not having worked on a boat before. Danny’s worked on Marc Anthony’s boat, bruh, check youself lest you wreck yourself!

Danny WALKS AWAY from the captain, and his actual superior, and Bobby, saying he needs some space. I can’t even.

Hannah clears supper with her guest face on (wide scared eyes with teeth bared); are they done? Yes, but Katie would like Spanx, pleez! Pfft, and they call themselves full service! Now it’s time for cake! Oh.my.god. This is the ugliest fcuking cake I’ve ever seen, and my mom used to switch out cake flour for whole wheat: still prettier than this:

Danny is still moaning in his bunk while the rest of the men complain about how emotional he is, it’s just not very manly. And here I thought I couldn’t dislike Bryan more. How about just focus on the fact that he’s not doing his job, hey? Brace yourself, it’s Rant Time! Skip over if you just wanna find out What’s The Tip?!

Emotions are neither manly or womanly, they’re HUMANly, everyone has emotions, and it’s complete BULLSHIT that men who express them are teased or shamed into not doing that any more. Take Justin Bieber, a very young man who is under intense scrutiny and pressure, who decided to not take photos with fans any longer, finding it too emotionally draining. Instead of everyone respecting that fact that he has found his mental health under strain and dealing with it appropriately, he’s been roundly attacked for being an emotional widdle baby, awww he can’t hawdnle it, poor wee thing and there’s subtext of his being “womanly” about it as well. None of us are in his position and he’s taking steps to deal with it before he blows, not after and I think he should be commended. But. He’s a dude! He’s not supposed to admit weakness! And NOBODY is supposed to admit to anything associated with mental illness, unless it’s the catchall of Depression, at which point everyone steps back and mutters at a slightly more muted tone. It’s BULLSHIT! Rant over, regular recapping resuming.

Look at the mess in Ben’s cupboards!! WHO CAN WORK LIKE THAT?? He opened the door and something fell out! I mean

Hannah’s all proud of herself for how well things are going with Tiffany, but she accidentally didn’t let Tiffany know she was off shift until 11:30, asking her to be ready for the 6:30 am shift. That’s not 8 hours in between! I am such a nit-picker.

Morgan is waiting on deck for Danny with a flower, he gives her the poem as he was expressly forbidden to do by Captain Mark, ohhh man. This girl is bored and on vacation in the Mediterranean, it is NOT worth losing your job over, Deckhand Danny.  He asks her to keep it hidden

Julia’s Skyping with her adorable boyfriend Matty, they miss each other and it’s sweet. Look at all the internets they have!

Morgan is reading Danny’s poem out loud to the girls, who oooh and aahhh, aww, look! He signed it and everything! That will make it so much easier for evidence for the captain when he fires Danny!

Oh it gets better, Danny is whining to the guests about his cute moment being not allowed, which Bobby overhears while doing the actual work Danny is supposed to be doing. I mean. He gets hugs and Bobby runs in to tell Bryan that Danny’s being incredibly unprofessional. I can’t even LOOK at Danny right now.

Bryan braces him, Danny lies and says wasn’t airing crew business with the guests, he was CREATING MOMENTS.

He does not get it. And he admits he gave her the note. Bryan quarantines Danny Below Deck. Danny cries while Bryan goes to tell the captain, who cannot believe his ears. Danny is to remain in the crew quarters the following day so he won’t be able to say goodbye or anything. The captain is going to decide the next day.

Julia and Bobby flirt in the laundry room, he’s labelled her a “dirty” and I don’t know what that means. Jen gets objectified by the still-drunk guests on the boat, she’d look great in a kilt on the deck!

Bryan still.doesn’t.get.it as far as Jen, he wants to help her not fail! You be you, Bryan.

Four of the guests are still drinking from the night before, I thought that was a lot of makeup for 8 am! Julia and Jen are humouring them while the deckhands talk about docking a man short. It was a little iffy last time, and now you’re a man down with wind to deal with…this might get ‘spensive.

Even with all the wind, the guests are eating outside, let’s see how that goes. Everything is FLYING! Unfortunately, the wind is also making it impossible to hear captain’s orders over the radio. They fail in the first attempt at docking, where are they going? They have to take the guests off via tender, which people think is a big problem.

Tiffany and Ben are flirting in the crew, he likes her because she’s lady-like, he likes ladies! I guess he and I wouldn’t work out after all. Dang. But wait a minute, which part of walking down the street drinking from a bottle of wine is ladylike? I think he means skinny.

As they crew lines up, Julia asks Bobby if he’s looking forward to a night out? But he whines that he doesn’t get one, because Danny got him in trouble. Oh ho, let’s roll tape on that! WHO got themselves in trouble trying to get laid at their place of work? Oh I’m pretty sure it was both of you.

It’s Tip Time! Everyone gets special kilts and towels, and they give one for Danny, but nobody asks where he is. That’s young people for you. Hannah thanks her staff for dealing with the “weird and skanky” guests and yeah, they handed out stripper-packs of pictures of themselves in bikinis, but they were really sweet.

Awww, Morgan slipped a note into Danny’s kilt package, making it ALL worth it. He cries some more about how happy he is.

Ben doesn’t think Danny’s gonna get fired, but we’re about to find out! He gets called up to the wheelhouse while Jen looks on, gleeful.

Come to Jeebus meeting in the wheelhouse: he defends his giving of the poem, but apologizes for not following captain’s orders. Captain Mark thinks Danny was hoodwinked. These girls are professional flirts and I would agree with that, somewhat. They do get paid for being friendly, but I think you have to have that personality to begin with, not everyone can be personable and approachable on cue.

Captain Mark takes Danny through the wringer while Danny begs for a chance to earn back his trust but in the end gives Danny another chance. Danny’s now got two strikes but he would have for sure have been skidded if Jen had told on him about the kissing. He loses his part of the tip this charter, but he gets to stay.

Hannah and Tiffany have made up entirely, yay! They may even have a bevvy together tonight! And finally: Tip time! Bryan can’t believe Captain Mark didn’t skid Danny, but everyone but Ben and Bobby are excited to share his part of the tip. That just doesn’t seem right to them and it is a very big one, 18,000 euros, which is $20k USD.

The rest of the crew debate over whether or not Danny should have been fired; and gossip about their romances. Hannah dated an Italian man who proposed, kinda, to her dad, but Hannah wasn’t down for it. She kind of has her eye on Ben, who is scoping out lady-like Tiffany, who is ogling Bryan. It’s Days of Our Ionian Princess!

Tiffany gets permission to help on deck, and I thought she screwed up, but apparently not. Bryan likes how she handles the lines.

Danny makes it out on deck to help, asking Jen what’s up? “Not as much” says Jen hahahaha. Bobby has dated every Hooters model in Melbourne, FLA and he can speak for it: they’re professional flirts. I could say something about society’s rabid commercialization of sexuality and where women fit into that but I believe I have buzzkilled enough for one recap. You’re welcome!

Bobby’s bummed he doesn’t get to party with the hot-looking crew ladies, Julia’s sad she won’t have big goober FunBobs around to laugh at. It’s so cute when they still pretend they aren’t gonna bang! Bobby and Danny have to inventory safety equipment, that sounds…painful.

Dinner time! Jen hates Greek food, so she orders chicken and white rice, which confounds Ben. Then the drinking! Hannah’s definitely making a move but Ben’s not quite sure about her yet.

Danny is coming up with a plan for each crew member to win them back; just do your job, dude. That’s what everyone wants. He does a cute little thing with a picture of Jen’s dog.

The “very sexy” crew is dancing and hanging out. Bryan is making a move on Tiffany by referencing…cheese? She doesn’t bite, but Ben chats her up while Hannah watches her “Benny.” Back on the boat, let’s see who makes it into whose bunk!?

Jen loves Danny’s little dog thingy. That’s two crew members back on Team Daniel, after his entertaining walking around in fireman’s gear for Bobby.

Hannah and a very drunk Ben are cuddling in the kitchen, he’s just so schwasted and not interested in the looks Hannah’s giving him. He’s into Tiffany, who is being led into Bryan’s room for bandaids. She ends up in Bryan’s bunk while Ben’s running from Hannah in the kitchen. I like smart, I like weird, but I don’t like too drunk to speak in complete sentences.

Oh and it gets BETTER! I missed that Bryan and Ben are in the same room, so he’s PISSED when he opens the door and finds Tiffany all entangled with Bryan. He kicks her out, I think, saying he isn’t in high school. And we’re oot!