We left Below Deck Mediterranean in the middle of a cliffhanger…will Captain Sandy Yawn be able to steer superyacht Lady Michelle through concrete-dolphin infested waters to safety late at night?? More importantly, do we have yet another chef threatening to quit a Below Deck season prematurely?/ Find out this and more after the break in my recap of Below Deck Mediterranean S6:E05 Ship Happens!
So we’re docking in the middle of the night with one very green deckhand, Mzi ‘Zee’ Dempers and one minty deckhand Lloyd ‘Pornstache’ Spencer and a great almost-lead-deckhand David Pascoe. This would be difficult with a new boat anyway but nighttime and a gibbering idiot of an extremely drunk Primary Chart Guest are making things exponentially harder. Primary Roy Orbison Jr. is doing his level best to jump off the Lady Michelle, distracting everyone and leading to his wife Primary Asa Orbison ordering him to bed like a child.
Also: why jump off the boat at dock, it seems like the sea would be much more forgiving than all that concrete. Better for swimming, too.
It is Zee who flubs his heaving lines as he feared he would, but his boss bosun Malia White is there in an instant to help him calmly and efficiently. Captain Sandy Yawn doesn’t even know a line popped off!
Awww, Primary Roy has had enough for one night, his wife leaves and he follows, shirtlessly and politely, blowing kisses to the camera as he secures some measure of privacy from our greedy eyes.
Who among us hasn’t gotten shitfaced on a superyacht in Croatia and tried to jump shirtless into a docking area?? WHO?? Let she or he be the first to cast a stone, but it will not be I.
Second steward Lexi Wilson continues to make friends below deck, she is hesitant to share a spoon with third steward Courtney Veale in case she’s been “sucking d***.” Wait. Like, in general? She doesn’t share spoons with fellators? Or is she suggesting that Courtney just that moment dragged her mouth off a intromittent organ, licked said spoon and is now trying to shove it in Lexi’s mouth?
WHO DOES LEXI HANG OUT WITH??
It’s COVID time, ladies, you could just not share for that reason, no need to get all suck-shamey.
Courtney wonders aloud if Lexi is joking (she’s not), Malia pipes up that Lexi is very plain spoken, like her Burn List.
A grown woman, with a Burn List.
Courtney doesn’t understand, is this like a Banged List? Coz she has one of THOSE.
We all have one of those.
Chief steward Katie Flood worked nights with Courtney, she compliments the latter on her hard work and everyone is in bed before midnight, chef Mathew Shea included.
An early start for our last day on charter but I don’t know when/if Primary Roy and Primary Asa are going to join their friends for breakfast. Lexi relays the news to Mat that at least three people wanna eat right now, but he wants to hear that from Katie, he’s been burned by Lexi and her lackadaisical attitude toward timing before.
But…Katie worked lates last night, so she’s sleeping and that’s not an option. Mat consents to provide Lexi with some freshly baked muffins for the guests, straightening his knives in between doling them out.
She calls him “****ing idiot* jiusssst slightly under her breath repeatedly as he does so. Then tells us he’s not even a man and while I get her frustration, that’s a weird place to go. He’s not a man because he doesn’t trust that your previously-lax arse is paying enough attention? Hell, I saw the guests say all that and I STILL would wait for Katie’s direction.
Mat chooses to ask the guests himself and take their orders; I’m horrified when they all order scrambled eggs when you just know Mat could make a hollandaise sauce in a heartbeat.
Lexi can’t believe that he did that; she goes and finds Courtney in guest cabins so she can talk about how she wants to kill Mat. Like, for real.
Katie gets up to start shift, met by Mat serving guests himself and Lexi threatening to strangle Mat. Katie doesn’t deal with it right then, but she’s going to have to.
Or will she? We saw in previews that Lexi absolutely loses her shite while drunk tonight, taking swings at all the deckhands and Malia and also Mat walking out, so maybe: problem solved?
Primary Roy and Primary Asa finally make it to the table, he’s in good spirits but she looks surly, as one does after dealing with a gibbering but loveable idiot instead of sleeping. A fire alarm goes off shortly after they arrive, what’s that you ask? Oh just David pooping his brains out below deck and spraying so much air freshener that it set off an alarm, no biggie.
He’s got a big crush on Malia, you should see his face when he has to admit the cause of the alarm to her face.
Lexi is 100% lockerroom poison.
Baby boys Roy Orbison III and Bo Orbison want to play hide and seek on the superyacht with Captain Sandy and of course they do! I would too! Awww they have a little GoPro attached to the youngest, it’s the BoPro cam!
This is fantastic, what a great way to leave everyone with a smile on their faces. They find their mom in one of their cribs hahaha.
It’s a really chill goodbye to the Orbison family and friends, the two Primaries made up some time during hide and seek and they walk off hand in hand.
Captain Sandy runs into immediate opposition when she tells Mat he has to cook a crew lunch on departure days, he didn’t plan for that at all. In fact, he doesn’t think he should have to.
This will be a problem later.
Hey, I wonder how that chef Captain Sandy asked her recruiter Norma to start quarantining is doing? It’s got to have been a few days already!
Tip Time! I’m going to guess….$21,000 based on how short the charter was but also how much the Orbisons and their Swedish friends loved the food. And it’s:
I WAS RIGHT!!!!! THAT NEVER HAPPENS!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
21k is $1,750 each and one smug mama on this side of the screen woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Mat storms out of the meeting money in hand, nobody cares, they just want food.
Not agreeing with him, but they did get pizza in for the crew a lot on other seasons, I don’t understand the problem.
Mat rages at David, who’s too polite to say anything back but Malia doesn’t mince words, telling him it’s part of his job, so relax. Suddenly, Mat doesn’t want to talk about it any more.
But wait.
That isn’t what she said at all.
BRAVO.
Okay, before the commercial break, we have Malia swinging into the galley, doing a quick look at the stove before turning to say “Mathew, that’s part of your JOB.” Mathew responds “I don’t want to talk about it any more.”
Post-commercial break, we see Malia swinging into the kitchen asking Mat what they can do to help and him refusing her assistance.
I tried to attach snippets, but it wouldn’t let me, boooo. That was…pretty bad, Bravo. Do you not think people will roll that back or do you think they’ll forget over the bathroom break that literally nobody takes because who watches commercials anymore?
He’s in his head all the time, though, good thing Malia is such a good chef-wrangler. David checks in on Mat after lunch, he just needs a kick in the arse and some time!
Courtney hears from her parents, ah and it’s sad. Her mum is lovely but her dad has Alzheimer’s. Courtney’s terrified she’ll be away working when he gets to the stage of forgetting people.
I can’t not think about Unforgotten just then, and also wish I’d pushed through to see my parents this week.
I just can’t suss Pornstache at all; he and the guys gather outside to discuss who they fancy and it leads to a rousing rendition of their ABCs. Does Pornstache like Malia as David does?
Malia is interested in exactly none of her deckhands.
Lexi has her whole arse out with most of her boobs; is it warmer there than it looks?
Everyone looks lovely and dinner starts off relaxed and easy with Courtney promising Zee another lapdance if he does something difficult with his phone? I’ve got my eye on Mat, he ordered a whole bottle of rosé for himself and that’s a recipe for scrapping.
Lexi can’t resist poking at Mat, who seems amiable but is already dropping food out of his mouth. She asks how he met his last girlfriend? They vibed at a sex party, as one does. He’s smiling, but it’s like a death mask over his inner demons.
David distracts with a friendly toast but the tension simmers between these two. Is all tension sexual tension, as in Brittany Runs A Marathon?
Mat follows that with a slurred speech about douchebags, then cheers’ to “sucking piss” which I unfortunately have to assume is literal. Courtney checks her glass.
He asks for a hooker as though he doesn’t have a phone or credit card of his own then won’t.stop.talking about the sex party, no matter how much Malia and Courtney tell him to. Katie shouting finally slows him down and he manages to hear what people are saying. He takes it as an insult, of course, that they don’t want to hear about his lousy performance at his first sex party (his words) and drunkenly lurches off alone back to the boat.
They’re worried he’ll get lost but he has at least one cameraperson shadowing him on the streets of Sibenik, he’ll be fine.
It’s not even 8:00 pm.
Captain Sandy goes to bed at 8:15 and Mat’s already losing his shite on the way back to the boat getting ready to quit.
Back at dinner, Zee entertains everyone and especially Courtney with her very own lapdance, she purrs “You’re the best, Daddy” after and we both need a shower.
Remember I wondered about Mat’s shiny new knifebag? He doesn’t even take it with him as he’s drunkenly packing up, carefully rolling up his thousands of dollars worth of knives into a tea towel.
Courtney and Zee call Zee’s adorable brother Josh Dempers, awwww. Zee is glad when his phone dies, Courtney was paying much more attention to it than him.
All our drunk crew are Facetiming their parents now, do you think that’s a COVID thing? Courtney gets upset thinking about her dad, Lexi is kind enough to lead her to the washroom for a private chat that we listen to through the door.
Lexi lost her dad just a few months ago, she’s also trying to deal with that as well, but with alcohol. Downstairs, the food bill is confusing Lexi, how much does she owe? She seems to think Zee paid for everyone but that’s a nope. She doesn’t like being told she still has to pay and brings up her physics degree.
She’s a beautiful woman with at least one giant chip on her shoulder, it can be painful to watch her. Nobody knows why she turned evil, but they can sense it and are giving her wide berth.
Zee is such a cutie, he gives Courtney a piggyback ride which is great until she drops a sandal and he bends over to pick it up while she’s still on his back. Full biff, Zee’s full face straight into the pavement, yikes. That’s going to hurt so bad tomorrow.
Off-camera crew Jake and Marten help Mat pack so he doesn’t break anything else and help escort him off the boat.
This is the first time I’ve actually hoped that the person leaving the boat stays gone. Mat makes me uncomfortable.
First Zee is crying, then Courtney and Lexi again, this night is all over the place!!
Everyone ends up in the hot tub, after a weird fight between roommates Malia and Lexi, who keeps calling herself Satan, then glaring at everyone over the rim of her winglass in the hot tub.
Courtney is adorable, starting a game of Truth or Dare leading to David stripping down to the altogether and running around the whole bow. Malia is impressed.
David finally musters up the nerve to ask Malia if she could ever see him as more than a co-worker but then Lexi starts shouting that David needs to stop kissing Malia’s ass and the moment is ruined.
See? Lexi and Mat: same same.
Finally, it’s Pornstache who says what everything is thinking, telling Lexi to STFU, which she does…not. That’s actually the worst way to get a drunk obnoxious person to shut up. Ask me how I know!!
Lexi forces Lloyd’s face into her cleavage, making him motorboat her and he gets right the fuck out of that hot tub. That wasn’t okay, that’s never okay.
Things go straight downhill then, Lexi cannot seem to keep her nipples put away as she shouts at every single person on the boat (except for Captain Sandy) like a cartoon villain.
Katie tries to manage the situation but.
When you’ve got a grown woman acting like a toddler, how exactly do you manage that?
I don’t know if Malia storming up on deck telling Lexi to get off her deck and that she was going to drain the hot tub helped, exactly.
David comforts Malia on deck as Zee comforts Courtney about her dad in her washroom. The deck crew ends up in the galley for a cuppa, Lexi walks in and things go ballistic once again. We end with Lexi pushing Zee and it’s, it’s not good.
I can feel empathy for what Lexi’s going through while still seeing the kind of damage she’s capable of doing. And what about Mat? Storming out after a full bottle of rosé, how is this guy finding work if trashing the kitchen and walking off is a normal part of his work practice? I feel for both of them, they clearly have some shite going on in their lives but the people around them don’t deserve to be literal or figurative punching bags either.
Until next time, you guys, cheers. Or maybe some Gatorade and call me in the morning, jeeez.
